01/19/2023 08:08 PM  January 19th 2023 Today was okay, for the most part.  Work only consisted of moving an office into a new room and some small trivial tasks, so it was pretty calming.  After work was when the storm hit. I got home a few minutes before my father but when he walked in, the news was dropped.   The building manager, our family friend, the woman I owed my job to, was terminated. Tomorrow is going to be a mess as, nobody knows what's going to happen. This is the first time in a long time of the building's history to have the manager fired instead of them stepping down. My father and I are scared for our jobs. If this new manager doesn't like the way things are now they could potentially have us both fired. After this news I went to DnD night with my lover. It was already planned ahead, and they couldn't really play without me, so I went. When the game finally started my lover's stepsiblings started fighting. The older brother pushed the younger brother into the counter, and it set his stepmother off. "How many times do I have to tell you to keep your f***ing hands off your sister!" "I'm going to f***ing hit you." Were among some of the things she said. I could feel the tears coming so I stepped outside for a bit. She reminds me so much of my own mother and it scared me. The older brother shoving around his little sister also scared me; my younger brother has choked me out to the point of having bruises on my neck. I got scared. My lover came outside and helped calm me down. During the process his father came outside. Apparently, the older brother pushed his younger sister down to the floor earlier and that's why his mom blew up. Needless to say, we didn't continue playing DnD. The incident made me think if I really do have trauma with my family. I've always said I have trauma, but I always feel bad for saying it because I always believed that I was faking it. Maybe I'm not. 0 Comments

01/18/2023 06:42 PM  January 18th 2023 I had a nightmare last night that almost made me cry.  I've since forgotten the details, but I remember that it was about my father.  He died, and all I was left with was his little newsboy cap he wears every day. I suppose that was my hint to today not being a good day. After waking up and coming to, I stepped on the scale and saw that I've lost five pounds in two days!  I knew that the way I achieved it wasn't healthy, I took laxatives without needing them the day before, yet I wanted the same results again, so I took some again this morning. Obviously, that wasn't a good idea. I felt fine until I clocked in; then my stomach started cannibalizing itself, at least that's what it felt like.  Today I was supposed to do my coworker's job since he had to be with the pest control guys.  I felt so bad this morning, as soon as I walked into the shop, I made a bee line for the bathroom.  I sat there for at least half an hour not able to make a bowel movement but in some of the worst pain I've ever been in. I was sweating so much I had sweat through my undershirt.  The pain was so bad that I ended up sitting straight with my arms on my head, that was until I fell back and nearly passed out.  After feeling a bit better, I got to work with the janitorial duties.  I went down to the janitor's office but then the pain hit again; at least this time I was able to poop.   After some more stomach pain I finally caved in and asked my supervisor if I could leave early to go to the doctor.  I really do think the only reason he let me leave was because of how long I worked last Friday. I knew what was wrong with me, it was clearly the laxatives, but I needed a doctor's note to be excused from work, so I went to a local twenty-four-hour clinic.   They believe that it might be some colon infection, but I really know what it is.  They made me take home a kit to collect four stool samples and to turn them into the local test lab as well as gave me medication to help solidify my bowel movements.  I'll put a picture of the kit below. After I got home, I went to the bathroom and just sat there with a bottle of water and sunflower seeds for a while.  During this time, I was scrolling on my phone out of boredom when I came across a listing on eBay of a doll that I've been looking for forever. It's an old porcelain doll that has one head with three faces.  It was made before baby dolls could close their eyes.  You would put a bonnet over the two faces you didn't want to show and if you wanted to change it, there would be a knob on the top of the head for you to turn the head around.  One face would usually be a neutral babydoll face, another a crying face, and the last a sleeping face.   The doll I ordered doesn't have any arms, but I find the doll more endearing that way.  Now I can make custom clothing for them when they arrive.  I'm very excited if you couldn't tell.  There will be a picture of the doll I ordered below.  If you're reading this, give me some name options for the sweetie! After a few hours of being home I collected the stool samples and turned them into the lab for testing.  Following that, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medications, and then Walmart to make a deposit at the bank. I'm not going to lie; I am not excited for work tomorrow.  I enjoyed having the day off but at least I won't have to play janitor tomorrow. 0 Comments

01/17/2023 05:38 PM  January 17th 2023 Today was a pretty mediocre day to say the least.  Work wasn't hectic, my lover didn't come over, I didn't go to my lover's house, it was a slow day. Work started with replacing one of the phones in an office.  It's a pretty easy process; remove phone, put up new phone, take old phone back to shop, replace the broken pieces in the phone, check if it works, put on shelf when working. That's really all I did today at work.  Theo tried to chew me out for working so late last Friday but I didn't know that the company had a sixteen-hour policy on work hours.  Oh well, as long as they pay me what I'm due. When I got home, I had a few packages arrive.  One was an art piece that I bought on Esty, the other was from my aunt.  My Nana died back in twenty-twenty, she passed from covid two days before they made a vaccine. Anyways, the package contained one of my Nanan's rings.  I'm wearing it now as I type, I'll put a picture of it down below.   I received some feedback and suggestions on my demo, "Mother".  They told me that I should add some distorted screaming and that the piano kind of ruins the feeling that I'm going for.  I took part of their advice and added some screaming to it.  I didn't remove the piano simply because I like it, think it adds an eerie feeling rather than just a mental breakdown feeling. 0 Comments

01/16/2023 07:37 PM  January 16th 2023 Current mood:  blah Today was a bit of a dissapointment.  It started off with me having to wake up at four in the morning for work.  Me and my coworkers were supposed to have today off for Martin Luther King Jr. day but we ended up having to come in to move an office back to where it was before the floor people came in. I was already annoyed with this as I had to work nearly twenty four hours on Friday.  I was supposed to come in Saturday as well but, I couldn't go in after twenty two hours.   Anyways, today didn't have a great start.  Everyone had the mindset of, "get things done fast and over with" so that we could be back home by noon.  Everyone but Theo. We could have been done by noon if it wasn't for Theo.  We were moving offices so, me and my coworkers were focusing on the items that go back into the office.  Theo on the other hand was focused on cleaning windows in the hallway and taking three different twenty minute smoke breaks. My day took a better turn when my other coworker, Dan, decided to take me in on the project we was working on in the office.  He was working on re-wiring the phones and computers.  He taught me how to end a CAT-9 cable and I was pretty good at it too! We finished around one-fourty p.m.  After I clocked out I headed to my friend's work because she wanted an old blanket that I didn't want anymore. (It was a sally face blanket.) When I came home I ate some Chick-fil-a and played around on everskies.   I recently had to create a new Tumblr account so I'm trying to redo all my links and tags on there; as well as follow more people that have the same interests as me to lengthen my feed. 0 Comments

01/15/2023 03:47 PM  January 15th 2023 Current mood:  nostalgic I haven't updated on here in a very long time.  I had a change of heart somewhere in the past, I thought that I was ready for recovery and tried my hand at it.  As it turns out, I was not ready for recovery.  I think I believed I was ready because I was in a relationship, I still am, and i didn't want to disappoint my partner.  My "recovery" turned into a few months long binge and me using the excuse that, "I'm in recovery" to give myself permission to stuff myself full of unhealthy and impure foods.  I stopped taking my medications, I just don't think that they help me.  The only differences I can find between me on my meds and me off of them is; having a period more than just twice a year being able to loose weight easier and faster and being more emotional than before Off of my medications feels like looking at the world without my glasses; yes everything is blurry but I can see the true color of the people and things around me.  I plan to be posting again as much as I posted before, hopefully everyday.   I've been trying to write in a journal but I just find it tiring as well as dangerous.  If something ends up happening and I get hospitalized my parents will go through my room and read everything I have written, where on a laptop they don't know my pin number. 0 Comments

10/10/2022 05:43 PM  October 10th 2022 Current mood:  ashamed I haven't updated recently.  It seems that every time the weekend comes around, I just stop updating.  I want to change that.  The only big thing that happened this weekend was that I hit a deer.  It was actually a buck, a big deer, and he messed up my car a bit. I took a picture of the buck to prove to my parents that, I did indeed hit a buck.  The picture will be shown at the end of this blog so if you don't want to see it don't stay after reading. Today at work was pretty nice.  All I did was replace a microwave in one of the offices.  I'm excited for Friday as its third Friday and I'm setting up a stand!  I'm planning on selling jewelry and dolls I make.   Since it's October's third Friday it's all Halloween themed!  This means costumes and candy and fun!  My close friend is coming with me along with her family.  I don't know what to dress up as.  I might go as the white rabbit or Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas as they are some of my warmer costumes. This is your last warning before the dead buck picture. 0 Comments

10/06/2022 06:48 PM  I want to be pure Current mood:  dirty I’ve found out that I am addicted to feeling pure.  The type of pure that is found in a child.  Ever since I was fourteen i’ve had this obsession with trying to regain my childhood.  I wasn’t prepared to be a teenager, I’m not prepared to be an adult. This obsession has lead me down the path of what some consider an eating disorder.  I only fill myself with what I consider pure.   I only drink water and tea, specifically Oolong tea. I eat baby snacks as they will keep me as pure as a baby. I try to avoid meats, they’re bloody and impure to me. I love all fruits and vegetables, for what God put onto this Earth for us to eat must be pure. Occasionally I will treat myself to a childhood dessert; like ice cream or scones.   Feeling lightheaded makes me feel euphoric.  Every time I have a bowel movement I can feel the impurities leaving me. My impulses to binge or eat things impure are sins to me. Anything that keeps me away from that childhood lightness is a sin. 0 Comments

10/06/2022 06:42 PM  October 6th 2022 Current mood:  bummed Today wasn't a very good day.  Work went well, surprisingly it was the best part of my day.  Once I got home was when it shifted. I work maintenance, at an office where if it could save someone a second, they want us to change it.  Even if the changing process would take a week.  Obviously, when I come home, I am tired.  I don't want to do anything unless I absolutely have to. My dad came home around the same time I arrived home.  I was happy because this usually means that he will help Granny with dinner and my only duties would be taking care of the family dog.  To my disappointment, he somehow chaffed himself at work, so now I was the one who had to help Granny with dinner. Luckily, dinner was easy.  Just watching a pot and some fries in the oven.  Right around the time dinner was ready I found out that one of my coworker's grandmother had just passed.   Another good thing was that since I helped with dinner my brother had to do the dishes.  While he was washing, I was filming my new stop-motion.  Anastasia isn't in this one, the puppet that I made, but she is connected to it if you can find out the plot through the titles.  I'll put a link below to it. Numbers 32:13 0 Comments

10/05/2022 07:38 PM  October 5th 2022 Current mood:  tired Work was very busy today.  It wasn't busy as in, "there's a million projects we have to complete by three p.m. today."  It was busy as in, "We only have one big project, but it will take all of us to complete it as well as take all day." Today's big project was going down in the tunnels underneath the building and replacing part of the hot water line.  Doesn't sound too bad, especially when the part we were replacing was less than five feet in length.  The problem was with five of us down in the tunnels, which were barely five feet tall in most areas, trying to propress the cuplings.  What turned this project from an hour long one to an all-day one was that we didn't propress in the right spot; it kept leaking water everywhere. When I say it was leaking, I use leaking very generously.  It would drip for a couple of seconds and then spray everyone in a six-foot radius with hot water.  Eventually we just redid the entire line and that worked out a lot better. After work I was planning on working on another stop-motion animation, but my lover called me.  He told me to come over after I help my grandmother out with dinner because he bought me an adult happy meal. We tried buying one yesterday, but they were all sold out.  Today wasn't much better as they put the regular kid's toys into the adult happy meal instead of the collectibles.  I still had a good time with my lover though.  I didn't spend very long at his house as I wanted to update this blog and knew that I was already tired from work. Hopefully tomorrow I remember to pick up my prescriptions since I forgot today.  My colon area has been throbbing more often today, but it could just be because I was bent over for most of the day.  The pain has spread to the other side of my stomach and I'm worried about my appendix.  Hopefully it's just colon inflammation and not appendicitis.  Either way, I'll find out next Friday. 0 Comments

10/04/2022 02:48 PM  October 4th 2022 Current mood:  nostalgic Happy spooky month!  I haven't been able to update the past few days as I wasn't home.  Today I called out of work because of my lower stomach hurting.  Now I have a cat-scan set for next Friday.  They believe that I have colon inflammation.  After my appointment, I met up with my lover at Dunkin.  He has a rental car for now as his truck is in the shop.  I showed him this cute game I've been playing, Bunny Buns.  You play as a bunny that runs his own little pastry shop.  I think it's cute. I've uploaded a new YouTube video yesterday, it's just me messing around in a wedding dress I bought at Goodwill.  I have everything planned out for my next stop-motion; I just don't know when to do it.  I was planning on making it today, but if my dad comes home to see me messing around instead of resting, he'll think that I've been faking. My dad's always been that way.  He doesn't trust me or my little brother very much about our own health.  I remember when I broke my ankle, and he thought that I was just milking the attention.  He made me walk on it for three days before he finally took me to get an x-ray done.  At that time, we lived in a house with three floors.  The attic was entirely redone, and it became my bedroom.  That means that I was walking up and down two flights of stairs with a broken ankle for three days. The only thing he really listens to us about is mental health.  When I was thirteen my mental health took a dive and ever since then It's been down and up.  I remember it was so bad that I didn't clean my room, and I didn't leave to use the bathroom; I pissed on a towel on my floor.  When my dad helped me clean up he told me, "I've been in warzones with many people shooting at me, but under your bed is the scariest place I've ever been." My dad is a veteran.  He's been to Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Mexico, and Germany.  I don't have much to say about him being gone a lot, nothing that nobody has said before about parents being deployed. 0 Comments

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