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emily

10/31/2020 09:03 PM 

a
Current mood:  angry

a

jaden

10/31/2020 11:15 AM 

hmmmm
Current mood:  quiet

today was nice. we talked for like an hour in the morning, and then we texted. we watched sesame street. that was really fun, i didnt watch it(Or a lot of shows) when i was a kid, and maggie couldnt believe it lol. give me mud is a really good song. we talked about pokemon and our favorites for a little bit too. maggies favorite pokemon is haunter, which is a really good choice! i talked about how i used to play the card game and she called me a nerd lmao. she laughed when i told her i like(mostly used to) judge shows. then we talked about joe luis. she had a cousin who went on it. then we ate dinner together and watched some baskets. thats really fun. eating dinner with maggie is so nice. we talked about maggies emptiness. it made me sad to hear what they have to go though. i try to be there as much as i can but idk i wish there was more i can do. thinking about maggies death makes me feel really bad. this entrys written pretty poorly cus i dont feel great rn. sorry :/

Emo

10/31/2020 12:51 PM 

Happy Halloween

Lukas

10/31/2020 11:17 PM 

Metalcore youtube channel
Current mood:  artistic

Thinking about adding some more videos to my Youtube acoount, why don't you go show it some love? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgtMKox5Oy7wMT_7Uz4BaMA

Metalcore

Kya-duh

10/31/2020 01:41 PM 

31 days of horror: day 20

day 20: swallowdir. carlo mirabella-davis8/10avail free on seriesonline.io i think?? idk its been a minalso TW eds!!hello? 911? yeah this girls oscar is missingthe universal female experience of eating a little horse and having an ab0rti0n in the mall ♥ 

Kya-duh

10/31/2020 01:34 PM 

31 days of horror: day 19

day 19: sucker punchdir zack snyder9.5/10avail on netflix yeah ik its not horror but im going as blondie for halloween so f*** off we open on a fem cover of sweet dreams on an old americana set where a young early 00s starlet in pigtails weeps over a dead woman’s body and (spoilers) child murder . best movie best F***ING MOVIE. the visuals. the costumes. the sets. the layers. oh? a group of traumatised women escaping their reality by inventing a world in which they have more and more agency as well as physical power? and they got cute leather corsets and big ass guns?  and it’s about sacrifice and pain and learning to live and learn from trauma?  i want to melt this movie in a spoon and shoot up.   tw SA

Kya-duh

10/31/2020 01:25 PM 

31 days of horror: day 18

day 18: the descentdir neil marshall9/10sexy bitches, cave moster, blood, guts, and scandals. need i say more?(fr tho one of the scariest horror films ive ever seen AND the only one ive seen w an all female cast)

Kya-duh

10/31/2020 12:52 PM 

31 days of horror: day 17

day 17: mother!dir darron aronofsky9/10available free on seriesonline.io(this is like the only time ill put a spoiler warning bc i thik its best 2 go into this movie blind. TWs at the end) This film is intense. It drags you to the depts of human sickness and its shows you a glimpse, a moment of glittering, shining perfection. Then it rips you back to the sh*t and the filth of the world. I have only cried at a few films in my life- this one came the easiest. Usually I have to think, really think about the pain on screen. I didn’t even have to digest the pictureque layer- I was crying because I was sad. I was crying because my house was in ruins and I lost my child. You are not an outsider (even though humanity is an intruder). You are Mother Mary. And you are pulled through the f***ing ringer. And I mean it. War, famine, pestilence, death. They invade you. You think it can never end, and it doesn’t. And then everyone is dead. And everything is quiet. And then you are at peace. mother, although she cannot control any of the things happening to her (excluding the end) is one of the strongest, if not the strongest, female voice in horror. as the film is able to drown us in the complexities of human cruelty, mother is able to display the complexities of human emotion. We are never impartial to her state of mind. This film is possibly only interesting to those with a background in or knowledge of christianity, islam, or Judaism, though it mainly follows the Christian New Testament, especially in the second half of the film. The latter two of the three are not as acuralty portrayed in the story, but when the poets followers are divided in their beliefs, it does present an interesting view of how all three religious first divulged. I can see why some don’t like it- if you have little to no interest in religion, even from an atheist perspective like me (I believe god/s and spirituality is useful for reflection, empathy, and community, rather than what it has become in modern practiced organized religion) religions use as a means of violence, or if you feel no interest in human psychology and society, this may not be the film for you. If you aren’t taken by mother as a character, if you don’t see the film from her perspective, you will likely be very disappointed in it.   And also it has sexy domnall Gleeson in it  TW for: rioting, excessive police force, childbirth, the bible, and images of: sex trafficking, murder, execution, human sacrifice, nudity, sexual assault (but not r4p3), baby murder, baby cannibalism, vomiting, missing ribs, sluttyness, burning bodies, and piss. 

♱ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 ♱

10/31/2020 12:48 PM 

another survey? really?

Female or male? Gender is a social constructAge? 14Religion? AgnosticTattoos? I have a bunch of sh*tty stick and pokes that I regretPiercings? Used to have one ear pierced, not anymoreDo you like cheese? YesReally? Yes reallyWhat movie have you seen thats really scared you? Mullholland Drive (the diner scene)Oh you chicken! Thats not scary at all! Hmmm okay then.Whats your most favorite movie of all time ? Probably The CrowCool movie huh? Yes indeedDo you have a crush? YesSpeaking of guys/girls, who do you get along with better? Neither, I hate both of them in different ways.Really? Why's that? I just told you!Seriously now...if you could change one thing about the last five years of your life, what would it be? Way too many things to count. I only have regretsHave you ever been seriously ill? NoEver had any mental health problems? Why yes...would I be me otherwise?Know anyone who has? yepWhat music are you listening to right now? Street SectsEver sung in public? YepReally? Did you enjoy yourself if so? Not reallyEver been in a play ? only school playsCool isn`t it. NoDo people think you`re weird ? Does that bother you ? Yes, and it doesDo you think you are messed up ? yeaGot any brothers or sisters ? NoPain aren`t they? -Would you ever bungee jump naked for charity? NoReally? NoWhat counties have you visted ? none outside of the USWhat did you like best ? N/ADo you dream a lot? NoWhy? shut upAnything you wanna add? Nah 

Kya-duh

10/27/2020 10:29 PM 

31 days of horror: day 16

day 16: the evil deaddir sam rami9.5/10avail free on seriesonline.ioinvented horror bimbos & himbos #ashforfinagirloftheyear #demoncherylforhomophoicqueenoftheyear 

♱ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 ♱

10/30/2020 12:28 PM 

another dumb surver
Current mood:  blah

1. Done any drugs? Yea2. Drank any alcohol? Who hasn't?3. Had sex? Yes4. Fallen in love? Yes, but it sucked5. Fallen in love online? Yes :(6. Met someone from online? No7. Tried to set a bug on fire with a magnifying glass? No8. Torn off a lightening bugs light and smeared it anywhere on your body? What the f*** is wrong with you9. Made a snow angel? Yep10. Dreamed you could fly? Nah11. Ever had a job, if so what? Not yet12. Bungee jumped? No13. Felt betrayed? Yes14. Seriously contemplated suicide? Yes, many times. I came very close, in 2019. 15. Attempted suicide? I had a few but they were more like cries for help than serious attempts16. Been in a car accident? Yes17. Had a close friend die? No18. Had a close family member die? Yes19. Seen the eiffel tower? No20. Seen the statue of liberty? I think so? I was born in New York so I probably saw it but I don't remember21. Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? Yes22. Stolen anything? Yes23. Gone out with someone for their looks? Yes24. Their reputation? No25. Met anyone famous? No26. Been on stage? Yeah27. Intentionally hurt someone? Yes28. Dumped someone? Nah, I'm always the one getting dumped29. Been dumped? Yes30. Been to Europe? No31. Been convicted of a crime? No32. Been in a mosh pit? Yes, but it was for a booth I held at a school carnival. It's a long story lol33. Been asked for an autograph? No34. Been toilet papering? No35. Been toilet papered? No36. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes37. Cried over someone of the opposite sex? Yes38. Same sex? Yeah39. Had toilet paper stuck to your shoe? Not that I can remember40. Been caught with your fly unzipped? Yep41. Had your pants fall down in public? Not yet...42. Been in a fight? Yea, and I cant fight so I always lose them43. Cheated on someone? It's complicated44. Hitchhiked? Nope45. Picked up a hitchhiker? If I could drive I probably would46. Had your appendix and/or tonsils removed? No47. Gone skinny dipping? No

♱ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 ♱

10/30/2020 12:24 PM 

10/30/20

feeling extremely dysphoric today. sometimes i post pictures of myself on /lgbt/. i don't know why i do it. i always get told the same thing. i think it's a form of self-harm for me. hey, at least i'm not one of those deluded reddit trannies, right? i don't know what's wrong with me. something must have happened to me to make me hate my sexual characteristics so much. i wasn't abused. i wish i could just accept it somehow. i wish i had the motivation to write a song venting about it. but i feel like i've used up every possible combination of words that is out there. i have nothing left to say. i've had this weird feeling for the last few weeks. like there's a hole inside my heart. seriously, my chest feels physically cold and empty. sometimes i feel like it's a wind tunnel. like there's cold air running through my veins. it reminds me of when i was little, autumn, thanksgiving ceremonies. the brisk air and the dead leaves on the ground. the smell of petrichor and fields for miles. sometimes i imagine myself merging into the earth. just lying down and letting it consume me. the vines and thorns wrapping around my body. until i am nothing more than a distant memory. a home for the worms

♱ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 ♱

10/29/2020 12:23 PM 

10/29/20

i spoke to a pretty prominent artist in the experimental hip-hop scene today, over DMs. we were discussing a possible collab. apparently now he's charging $150 for a feature (even though he was charging $100 like a month ago lol). he's not even that popular in the wide scope of things, his most popular video got like 35k views. but i guess narcissism is to be expected when you're already somewhat of a cult figure at such a young age (which he is). at the end of the day, he's one getting to f*** hot goth chicks while i'm sitting at home obsessively monitoring my bandcamp stats hoping that someone will pay attention to me. whatever. i'm not that bummed about it. i'm already working on a split with a bigger band.

♱ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 ♱

10/28/2020 12:22 PM 

10/28/20

finally talked to a doctor about the headaches. apparently i'm having tension headaches and i need to meditate and take ibuprophen. she said people who are prone these types of headaches typically have them for the rest of their lives. so yeah. *sigh* on an unrelated note, i'm scared. i have unreleased material for miles. 2 splits, 6 EPs, 1 compilation, and 9 albums worth, to be specific. but i'm terrified that i have run out of ideas. my hope is that this project will create more, bigger opportunities for me in the future, musically. but i'm not sure if that will ever happen. i've been reading a lot about sol pais/dissolvedgirl lately. i'm not going to in depth about it/her here for reasons that should be obvious.seeing her and learning about who she was as a person makes me sad. i know it's cliche and narcissistic and probably false, but i can't help but think "i could have saved her." it's clear, especially after reading her diary entries, that she didn't want to hurt anyone. she was beautiful and smart. she could have been a model. she could probably have anything in the world if she wanted to. why?   perhaps it's the destiny of someone like her, to die in their prime, forever preserved like a taxidermy specimen in a glass jar. she died alone and cold in the forest. i wonder what that must be like, to have those be your last moments. i often fantasize about dying that way. if i were going to kill myself, i would do the same. the setting has to be right. complete solitude. peace. sol means sun and is a pretty common name in latin america, also sometimes using as the dimminutive version to soledad which means....loneliness.  

♱ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 ♱

10/27/2020 12:21 PM 

10/27/20

the headaches are back. i have been having headaches for the past few months. i only have them on weekdays, almost never on weekends. this leads me to believe that they may be stress-induced. on the bright side, i am working on a split.

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