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Jade

Last Login:
June 17th, 2022




Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 16
Country: United States

Signup Date:
January 08, 2021


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06/17/2022 05:27 PM 

I hate my life
Current mood:  depressed

I hate my life 

whats the point of it all

I'm so tired of fighting

I feel like giving up

Maybe I deserve this

I probably do.

I can't live like this anymore.

I thought my life was worth living

I'm a bad person

Even she saw it 

Apart of me wants to live.

But I know...

To truly live
you must suffer.

Is that even worth living...

04/03/2022 03:49 PM 

I don't want to go home.
Current mood:  melancholy

I'm at the library right now and I don't want to go home. I feel sad because I realized my life is really sad. For the past 5 minutes, I was just scrolling through people's Ig stories and compare my life to theirs. They all have fun lives and don't have to worry about where they're going to live because their parents hate them. Yesterday I lashed out and pushed my brother aggressively, because he was throwing stuff at me. And now I wish i didn't do that because it backfired on me. The stupid microwave also stopped working. I don't know what happened. It just had to stop while I was in the kitchen washing dishes. I'm scared and worried. What if I go home and the microwave still doesn't work? What will I eat? If my dad buys another one, will he forbid me from ever using it again? God, I hate my life! Every time a weird, unusual event happens, my dad always gives this "I'm not a bad person, I do good things to people that are a good person, someday you will die, my parents don't tolerate with witchness" speech. I always contemplate myself if I'm a witch or not and possibly end up crying about my life. I need to get out of here. It's not healthy for me to stay here. There accusations are getting into my head. I'm not free there. My family treats and looks at me as if I'm Satan. I HATE IT ALL! I feel tears coming through because I'm panicking plus a melancholy feel rap song came on Spotify right now. The library closes at 5 today and it's 4:01 pm. I could go back to Starbucks and just stay there until 7, but I always feel spotted there and uncomfortable. People come in that seem like they have stable lives and they don't look like a homeless person (AKA me). I JUST WANT TO LEAVE! I fear spring break too because I have to deal with them. But I have 2 good things planned so I'm also partly excited about spring break. I'm this close to running away. I'm tired of the bullsh*t. I hate my life. Sometimes I want to kill myself. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

02/02/2022 09:49 PM 

Lonely
Current mood:  lonely

I have never felt more lonely than I have ever felt before. I wrote this on my other diary but my dad doesn't want me to read books at home anymore. He took my chromebook usage away from me so I had to read because I was bored! He made this stupid excuse that I should read books that my teacher assgined to me to "expand my reading." Does he think I'm stupid!? I know that he has an agenda for me. He wants to see me broken, but he sees I have been looking okay ever since, so he takes everything I enjoy. I hate him so much, I want him to die. I know people should be careful for what they wish for because it might come true. But no, I WANT HIM TO DIE. It's weird though because it was my mother who stupidly accused me of witchcraft and her schizophrenic mind has been her fault, but I just have this burning hatred for him and I don't know why. Ever since this situation started again you can tell how badly he wants to seem important. How f***ing pathetic of him. I don't believe in my moms crazy talk but it's funny he thins he has some ''special powers.'' Pathetic. I hate I'm afraid of him. All he does is shout really loudly and scaredly and hits little childre and women. He thinks he can just erase his past by giving himself to god? I remember how he used to beat my mother for stupid reasons and got my mother arrested and sen to prison for defending herself against HIM! He has this hold on everyone so he can get away for whatever.

02/02/2022 04:22 PM 

Chicago Public Library
Current mood:  curious

I was just sitting here and moments ago this guy came up to this person and accused him of stealing his stuff and he started taking sh*t out of the other persons bag. He started throwing punches at him and slammed him to the table then pushed him to the library shelf which knocked books out. It is intresing and funny to see these internet school figh videos online. But when you see a physical fight in public wih no actual tough security to stop them, its actually scary. And guess what I was told they were grown adults but they fought like teenagers. Now I understand why he library has security now.

01/18/2022 06:39 AM 

Weird
Current mood:  weird

I has weird dream about my old crush I used to obsess about, Jacob Shackelford. In this dream we were in english class. (Mrs. Quirk was my teacher) Mrs. Quirk randomly assigned partners to work on a assignment and I got partnered up with Jacob. I stalled a little bit before I could go to his seat and tell him I was his partner. Even in my dreams he still makes me nervous... I even went to this bathroom that was very similar to me and came out about to walk up to him and start working with him. Then my mom woke me upangry. I remember thinking to myself something weird about that dream . I thought "you might as well make a move on him now, because this will be the last time you see him." ? I was weirdly right , I should've. And now I am never going to see him again

01/15/2022 03:28 PM 

Game day part 2
Current mood:  confident

I just got back from my basketball game and I am currently at the library wasting time so I don't have to be home so early while the sun is still out. I was suprised that I wasn't nervous when we were just about to go in and play our game against Whitney Young. I remeber being really nervous on my first volleyball game. That I still wasn't satisfied when I made a lot of aces. I got 7 rebounds back for my team! Even my coaches said I did really good today. It made me feel so good. I had a good day today. I laughed around with my teamates, Rashida, Sana, and Sara. I think I was more confident this besketball season than I was volleyball season. I'm more confident I can do better the next saturday game we have. I just need to work on my dribbling, being aware of what ''play'' were playing, and attempt to shoot the ball. I belive in myself that I can fulfill those goals. I was happy and all when I realized I had to go home. I hate home. Home is not a home for me anymore. I was hoping that I could finish getting ready for the day at my house this morning but then my mom started talking to herself and accusing me of sh*t I didn't do. I practically ran out the house while she was in a mid argument with me and I finished getting ready at a Whole Foods Market. I felt like a homeless person.I wish the good day I had didn't have to end so early. I hope my dad isn't here when I go home, I suspect he has a new job. Thankfully.

01/15/2022 08:50 AM 

Game day
Current mood:  nervous

First basketball game! I better f***ing kill this. 

01/13/2022 06:42 PM 

Lil week update
Current mood:  unhappy

Yesterday my counselor bought me deodarant and a lil mini travel kit and white socks. I do feel like she went a tiny bit overboard than I expected because all I asked was that "If the school had deodarant", but then they hadn't so then she offered to bring me one. She is so nice, I feel like I don't deserve all this kindness because all my life were always negative. Now I feel bad that I ditched her today for our weekly check up meeting. I didn't feel like talking about my feelings todaysad. WHY THE HELL WAS MY DAD AT THE LIBRARY TODAY! After basketball practice as over at 5:00pm I decided to go to the library to ckeck out more mystery/thriller books. I checked out 4 btw. And when I was registering, my dad was there waiting in line?! I don't understand why dad was there because he is definetly not the type to read. So why was he there? If I had to guess it was that he was probably there to use their computer for some sh*t. It was really weird, I was startled and a little scared when I saw him standing there pretending that I didn't exist and I was some random stranger walking by. He hates me. I thought I was doomed when I walked out the library but when I came home I didn't care that he saw me at the library. So what? I was checking out books in a library. He is still not home and I hope he doesn't come back until 11:50 like he did the other day he left. Im so happy looking at my grades in Aespen. I have 3 A's and rest of them are B's. I really can't fool around now because the end of the semester is in 2 weeks (January 27th). These are the grades that college admissions will be looking at. I also want to be able to be in this "Schular Scholar Program." I figured that would look good in my resumes for college, and if your accepted there is a 10 day camping trip they have. Which I would really love because I get to be away from them for 10 days.

01/11/2022 11:45 AM 

Whole Foods Market
Current mood:  adventurous

Here I am at a Whole Foods Market bathroom because my dad wnted me to leave an hour early than I was supposed to. My plan was to wake up at 9am to watch tv on my laptop so I would'nt miss the time on my chrome later. Then I would get reay at 11:50 so I could go to the library on time. I could've stayed at home and gotten ready there but he woke up too early . After being here I feel like this bathroom might be the place I can fully get ready in the mornings, I hate not brushing my teeth because my dad took away my morning bathroom privilages . I hope to god I dont run into my dad while I head over to the library now.

01/10/2022 04:24 PM 

I don't know anymore
Current mood:  lonely

So my dad had forbidden me from using my chromebook for entertainment purposes. You know the same chromebook but I watch movies on so I can forget how crazy my life is. Now the the only time I can use my chrome freely is when I wake up really early in the mornings so I could use it for a couple hours before he wakes up or when he is not home. My mom clearly doesn't have a problem with it so I dont get why he does. On saturday, January 8, I was watching a tv show on my chrome and my dad asked me "what I was doing on my laptop." I told him the truth and he went ballistic (angry) on me. To the point he THREW what he was planning on eating to the wall next, I  also had some foods peices on my bad too but not alot. He mde me clean up his own mess, and He also threatned to slap me. Im so tired of this family I really am tired. I noticed around that they are planning to kick me out and give me a lot of money so I can survive on my own. So now I have to find creative ways to use this chrome. But I also feel this will be good for me because this summer I am not going to have any tachnology to use. I plan to be workin all summer long to save up money to buy my own phone and new school supplies I'll need during the school year. My parents wont care for me and dad even said it himself. "YOU THINK IM GOING TO CARE FOR YOU!" - said my father

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