06/30/2020 07:15 PM  dumb hello i feel like its been a long time  so im back ? hihi yesterday was a big day for me i finally felt henuinely happy since my heartbreak  why ? because i got deeper into WITCHCRAFT !!! yes i am in process of becoming a witch something called me  it is a slow process because of personals reasons for now but i wanna change and be able to keep being happy like that also ive spent time with my sister laughing and dancing because she also wants to be a witch !!!  AND my love for music has came back  ever since quarantine ive stopped listening to music except latino songs i put sometimes when i wasnt alone but today "make u happy" by niziu  made want to redo my whole playlist !!!! i also realized putting my thoughts into words like this helps me a lot like i was feeling bad because of my heart break again and writting about how grateful i am makes me feel better maybe cause im concentrating on something else idk what elseeee so i kinda stopped skating because i cant do tricks :/ yet !!! im plalling on asking for a new board soon  i also need to get new clothes but thats on hold because money and i dont wanna ruin my parents  alsooo i got a new tv for my room !!! im so grateful that tv was a long journey i dont feel confortable using it yet but its getting there  alsooo i feel like my need for love has kinda evolved i used to always look for validation by partners like lovers u know but i dont feel like i need it anymore like i just cant flirt ??? lol that validation is pretty f***ed up + so today i feel great and i think i should post like a journal everyday !! its good to establish a healthy routine especially if it helps  xoxo happy person 0 Comments

06/29/2020 03:03 PM  late... hey guys... tonight is rough for me, i was watching persona and the second episode slapped me hard in that episode this young girl cheats openly on her old boyfriend that she finds boring how can i relate to that u may ask.... well i realised maybe my crush simply lost interest like her i wasnt deep enough i wasnt interesting enough or diverse enough  i wasnt cool nor refreshing... but like him i found my crush mysterious, fun and flirty  in the episode they first shared cute moments together before she changed to have fun  as she said the doesnt own him anything legally  who she talks to and is with is not his business  i felt that  it made me realise how i need to be more open and interstig somehow  i dont wanna lose hope... its still hard after all theses low moments... i know i havent had a hard life, sorry for complaining for such shallow things but im hurting inside  i never used to cry about such thing but now i almsot cant even see the keyboard with theses damns tears i dont know when exactly nor why my abandonnement issues started but... they are indeed my worst problem i think  i can overcome confidence and my fears, but this problem is something that destroys my life completely, when someone i consider close leaves i have a hard time moving on my best friend did this to me last year he left me for new friends for no reason at least to my knowledge... i couldnt even focus on class anymore...  maybe i need therapy  prob not there's things more deep but i still would like to seek help... because i feel like im alone... 0 Comments

06/28/2020 10:19 PM  family is so far from what i am Current mood:  loved so that was friends wise now lets goo to my family stuff as a child i always had a close relationship with my uncle he was like the perfect man for me (nothing weird lmaoo)  there's no trauma related to that i just wanted to give him some appreaciation cause he is the very best I have no actual memory of my early childhood like until i was 6  but my parents relationship has never been that good  my dad used to abuse my mom, i somehow always knew it was wrong  with my mom we are close but i still dont tell her everything that happens in my life, i would really like to have that kind of relationship but my mom is definetely bipolar.... she has times where she flips me off....  with my dad i never felt close, he was just my father. we never talked more than that until like 4 years ago. Our relationship grew and now we even have debates, he finally stopped his abuse after a visit from the police (that was traumatizinggg hihi) it definitely left marks in our family. with my sister weve always been close so much love to her shes the only one that matters  with my brother its like distant we are just related... not that close we wold rather be with other people ig  i still love him a lot tho With the rest of my family..(uncles,cousins) i am not close to them in groups i can talk openly but privately im just like not very social even with my family goddam with my grandparents i had a very close relationship when i was younger but sadly they replaced me with my sister when i had my downfall... i dont blame them i also grew as a person with my cousins my older cousins have never liked me...my oldest cousin was so beautiful i used to look up to her and like one day she looked at me dead in the eye and told me that i was ugly. we were never that close because i used to play by myself since i was an only child  hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaahahhahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahhhahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahahhaahha my younger cousins are like my own babies theyre twins i love them. and thats basically it... the rest of the family doesnt really even know me or cares.. xoxo ps: little note to my aunt cause i lover her even if we arent that close its just my fault yeah because i feel guilty for not feeling close to such close family  i see them every week but i cant hold a long conversation because i feel like im not interesting to them (many triess failes) so yeah does this mean anything idk but it definetely explains how open i can be to strangers since i have such a hard time opening up to people im supposed to be comfortable with 1 Comments

06/28/2020 10:01 PM  blame Current mood:  okay dont get me wrong i don't blame thoses who hurt me i would rather make thing up and be friends... i mostly blame myself for the way i am because after all they are just experiences and im the only one who can change the way i am. 0 Comments

06/27/2020 12:46 PM  me Current mood:  hopeful everything has a start so lets go...! ever since i was little i was always quiet and reserved  i never felt alone tho... personalities are fully formed by like 6 ??  so being always quiet was like normal to me  but by elementary i met my first friends finally yay!!! well they f***ed up my trust in people and myself  they kept leaving me out and letting me back in their group which made me feel like it was not okay for me to show my real self since it didnt make them want to be my friends it was definitely toxic  i was already very reserved and that made me become one of thoses people that addapts to others instead of letting my real self show maybe it is better that way because i recently tried and it didnt work again (crush f) by the first year of middle school i found new friends that i thought were my ride or die tbh but... i discovered they were always talking behind my back yay i love trusting people !!!  then last year of middle school i had met my "best friend" but this new girl kinda made me feel insecure about my position as a best friend..*** in the process of having a group of friends that used to bully lonely people i got scared of being seen alone which is honestly f***ed up but ive always been insecure about my capacities as a person ??*** i gradually became anxious about many things and im now extremely insecure   weirdly i still trust people... not with everything... but its a start.... 0 Comments

06/27/2020 12:32 PM  feelings... Current mood:  productive how i feel ?  honestly lost. im listening to call her daddy rn and doing this blog about my weird ass feelings... 0 Comments

06/26/2020 08:32 PM  crush f Current mood:  contemplative so this is probably gonna be my last post about this person... i opened my heart to him and told him that i just wanted someone to come to when i needed  cause after all im not planning that much ahead i just wanna enjoy the time we can have together... i hate myself for letting me fall for such an easy trap... that were his cute expressions and sweet words.. he told me that he didnt saw himself with me in the future that it would bring nothing to him  ...and i agree im empty... i hope i can forget him soon... hes still in my mind....   0 Comments

06/25/2020 09:36 PM  crush f Current mood:  anxious so... he was talking to other girls while i was wondering what i did wrong... hihi hate to hear it hate to see it im over it..... 0 Comments

06/25/2020 08:15 PM  crush f Current mood:  sad well...  i answered... it got kinda deep  he doesn't want long distance...i never asked for so much but at least i can move on. 0 Comments

06/25/2020 07:18 PM  crush f Current mood:  exhausted i think i like him way too much  every time he texts me i smile, i laugh at everything cute he does, i blush when he makes me feel special, even thinking about him falling doesn't stop me from liking him... i dont know if im deep in but hes always in my mind...  maybe i should let go before i get hurt i cried over him not wanting me yesterday at 3 am.... maybe my karma was reaching  0 Comments

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