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02/23/2019 02:57 PM  Journal # 46      I did not sleep good last night. I couldn't sleep in and then when I tried to keep sleeping, I just couldn't sleep anymore. My boyfriend is currently taking a nap. I tried to take a nap with him, but yet again, I could not fall back asleep so f*** it! I'm going to go to my parents house after he wakes up and get those American Girl Doll books. I want to get some food too while I'm at it. We have like no food in the house right now. It really sucks ass. I am so hungry!         So I woke up this morning and checked my bank account to see if I had enough money for food and discovered that I have a random 100$ in my bank account. What the f***? How did that happen? It wasn't there a few days ago and I am not currently working....maybe one of my taxes came back? I have no idea but it's a blessing because I could really use that money right now. I just ran out of money a few days ago and I really needed more. I don't know yet what I am gong to use it for though. I mean defiantly stuff that I need. I've been wanting to get some books now though too.         I ended up getting those books from my parents house. I don't think that I got all of them though. I really want to go to the dollar tree and get more books. I have a whole bookshelf full of books, but I love to read. I can never have too many books. Books make me feel happy. I love to escape from reality into these awesome stories people write. Some books are better than others, but I will pretty much read anything. I won't read fiction books though. I don't like reading stuff that have facts and information in them. I tend to loose interest in books like that are informational. I would rather read a made up story than a text book. Depending on the story though, I will read books if they are true stories, but I only don't like them if they are in text book form. If it's a story that is based off of a real one, then that is different. I f***ing love reading books. When I am done reading a book I send it my moms way in case she want's to read the book or add it to her books for children in her class to read. Some of the books I give her she can't put in her classroom because they are inappropriate for children of that age, but a lot of the books that I choose to read, are books that are directed at younger ages. I like reading children chapter books because they are super easy reads and they are innocent stories. I really don't like reading books that involve sex or anything like that. When I was in middle school I liked to read books like that because I was curious about sex and was a virgin at the time, so back then I liked the dirty detailed sh*t. Now that I've had sex a million times, it's not as interesting to me anymore. Sex isn't that great. I mean it's great, but it's not THAT great. I mean, I could live without it for several months no problem. My sex drive isn't what it used to be. I like innocent stories and easy reads so children's chapter books are great books for me to read. I've been reading the American Girl Doll books recently. They are super easy reads and cute little stories about the dolls. I grew up with those dolls. My grandma used to work at American Girl so she won all these dolls by working there. I have a sh*t tone of them. I went online to see how much a doll costed and it was really expensive. She doesn't want me touching any of them yet. I understand that though. They are collectors items. They will be worth a lot of money in the future if they are not messed with. I messed with them a little bit back in the day, but that was a long time ago. They are all pretty much in good condition. The only ones that aren't are the ones that I had growing up which was Kit, Josefina, and bitty baby. I played with them a lot so their hair isn't all that great. I don't know why the use horse hair instead of just using real human hair. They might as well use real human hair for how expensive they are. Some of the dolls I have seen online sell for like 300$! That is a lot of money just for a doll. Esp a doll that's hair will get all ratty when it is played with a lot. Now that I am older, I really don't care for the dolls much. I mainly just care about the books on them. They all come with a book about them and explaining their life and their heritage. It's pretty interesting. Josefina is a Hispanic girl from mexico from many many years ago. Her story is rather interesting. I have the whole series on her, Kit, and Samantha. The other girls I only have the first book. That's ok though. I have so many American Girl books that it will keep me busy for awhile. I have 3 of the Hop Scotch girls too but I could only find the one book. I don't know what I did with the other 2 books. I wish I knew where they were or I would have grabbed them but I couldn't find them and I didn't want to mess up the basement. My mom would have gotten mad at me.        I've been drinking a lot lately. I was planning on getting sh*t faced tonight, but then I changed my mind. I just ain't really feeling it tonight. I just want to sit down and read my books. I love to get drunk, but I like to read even more. Sometimes I will drink and read at the same time, but the only problem with that is if I drink too much, I won't remember what I had just read. That has never happened to me before but still. I know when to cut myself off now. I really don't like getting hangovers so I only drink to a certain point. I drink to the point that I am super drunk, but not so drunk I will be hung over the next day. Being hung over sucks ass! I hate being hung over like that. As you get older you get more and more hung over. Its f***ing stupid but its true.  0 Comments

02/21/2019 03:36 PM  Journal # 45        Oh my god! I just found out that my transgender friend was arrested last night! It doesn't feel real to me. I found out from someone who I used to work with (her name is also Lauren). Paige told me she was in trouble because she had a child abuse charge. I'm not one to judge when it comes to sh*t like that because I made a mistake last year and ended up getting a domestic violence charge due to my really bad anger problems. That doesn't make me a bad person though. I just have anger issues that have never been taken care of when I was growing up. Anyways, she told me that she was having these issues but failed to mention that she was also getting charged with child pornography. My boyfriend went to prison and we were watching one of those prison show's one day and I asked him "Why is this girl lying about being in there for child abuse?" and he told me that she was lying because if the people in jail found out the real reason she was in there, she would get her ass beat, bullied really badly, or even worse! Killed. Now I am worried that she will end up getting into a lot of trouble in there with the inmates. I hope she doesn't tell people the real reason she is in there or else she is f***ed! To make matters even worse, she is a transgender women. She will already get heat for all of that sh*t being in there unless she doesn't tell anyone this information either. Man! I'm so worried about her now! People make mistakes! We are not perfect. She should not of bail jumped though either. She might be in there for a long time... bless her soul. It's punishment enough to be in jail for a f*** up, but its really bad if inmates don't like you and want to make your life a living hell. This is the link that my coworker sent me:  https://www.channel3000.com/news/crime/man-arrested-on-child-porn-charges-also-on-bond-in-child-abuse-case/1031743797?fbclid=IwAR2ynYRpf92JZdjg83VrDmS6nZUtqv0KmUtjxjYG2PYL4WkBxmu6BD_JiuM        It's day three with my angel bites and the one that I just did yesterday is bugging me like crazy. I forgot how annoying the healing process is when you get a piercing. When you get a new piercing it is super irritated for the first few days and it sucks! I really wanted to do it though so I did it. If it really starts to bother me though I will just take it out. I doubt that I will, but ya never know.         I am getting so sick of winter. It is really kicking my ass. It hasn't really bothered me all that much until recently. I have been hit with laziness really hard. I was doing so good! I was on top of cleaning the apartment all of the time and then all of the sudden, SPLAT! My energy and motivation just totally disappeared! That isn't the only reason the winter is kicking my ass though. I am also constantly having problems getting in and out of the driveway every time I want to leave the house. It keeps snowing so I end up getting stuck and can't get out, or I am able to get out and can't get back in so I am forced to park some where else near by. It's bullsh*t! The landlord should be paying someone to come every time that it snows and have that sh*t taken care of but no. All us residents have to shovel. I find that ridiculous. I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that I shouldn't have to do that. I can understand shoveling your own parking spot, but yesterday me and my dad were outside shoveling the entire driveway. He was not happy. In-fact, he was f***ing pissed the hell off. I only asked him because I'm a tiny girl. How does the landlord expect someone my size to shovel all that snow? When I was trying to shovel that one day for Korri to be able to go home, I was doing it all by myself and barely got much done within 30 minutes or so. It can be really frustrating sometimes. Summer can't come soon enough for me. I mean, I can wait because I like my winter outfits and sh*t, but mentally I am happier and healthier in the summer time.         0 Comments

02/19/2019 10:18 PM  Journal # 44        You know someone isn't your real friend, when they never take the time to hit you up. Friendships are not a one way street. You both have to put effort I to contacting each other. I had a friend who did this. At the time I was going through a lot and she wasn't there for me. I don't plan on ever reaching out to her. I always did all the work when we were friends. I strongly believe that is why her other friends stopped coming around. She never hit them up. I always had to do all of the work. In what universe do you need to be the only one that reaches out? It's bullsh*t! The worst part is, this person probably thinks that she didn't do anything wrong. I have new friends now that don't do that sort of sh*t to me. I'm a grown ass women. I do not have time for petty people like that in my life.        Another topic I have been wanting to talk about for a while is how funny it is looking at your old high school friends that stabbed you in the back now, compared to when you were friends with them. Oh my lord! I creeped on these bitches profiles and they all had babies and are now fat and ugly. HAHA in your face! I'm still pretty and skinny. Looks like karma came back and bit you in the ass finally. It's nice to know that I have still got it and my old sh*tty ass friends don't. I still haven't had a kid yet. I got all these pretty ass piercings and I still look good. I guess the bad personality finally caught up with them and started to show through on the outside as well.         I have angel bites now. I pierced the other side of my top lip. I wasn't sure how it would look on me but, yet again, I can pull off anything. It's really hurting right now though. I just pierced it yesterday and had to change the bar to a longer one this morning so that it would be able to move around still with the swelling. It's a little annoying right now because my new one is leaking that stuff that your body makes to close up a scab and I am constantly having to rub it off with a cotton ball dipped in salt water. It makes the bar stick to the outside of my skin and become kinda hard to twist and move around. If I rest my face long enough, when I go to move my lips to smoke my vape or talk, I can feel that it's harder to move because that sh*t comes out and drys on my skin and the bar in my skin. The good thing about that is though, is I am constantly cleaning it, which means it won't get infected any time soon. I love piercings. Isn't it funny how we pay lots of money to injure ourselves? You get a tattoo or a piercing, you are injuring yourself. Isn't that a funny thought? I just randomly thought that one day.        My hair is getting long. I stopped trying to cut my hair every so often so that it grows out. I will eventually go get it cut professionally, but I want it to grow out more before I do that. I just really want long hair. I'm no longer damaging it a lot anymore. I shower every single day and use Mane N Tail every time I shower so that makes it grow quicker. I love the way my hair is feeling again. It's so f***ing healthy now you have no idea. My hair loves me. When my hair was ash blonde, it was really hard to keep in my hair so I was coloring it a lot. I wanted the ash blonde color to stay in, but it never did. I don't know why, but unless your hair is naturally that color and it isn't dyed, it won't stay. Now that my hair is black, I am not coloring it as much because it is such a dark color, it takes a lot longer for the color to wash out of your hair. I try to only dye my hair once a month or once every two months because I don't want damaged hair anymore. I just want healthy hair again. That is all I care about. I love my hair black. I will probably keep it black for a long ass time like I did when I had platinum blonde hair. I had it that color for a whole year! For me, being so crazy with hair dye all throughout high school, that is a pretty big deal lol.  0 Comments

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02/11/2019 01:02 PM  Journal # 43        Me and my old friend Korri reconnected! We hung out yesterday and it was really nice. I haven't seen her in awhile. We weren't friends for the longest time because she did me bogus but I'm a pretty forgiving person. All you gotta do is apologize and try better next time. It's pretty hard to get me to really hate you. You have to do something to me thats pretty f***ing bad for me to not ever talk to you again. I'm glad that I have a drinking buddy now. Most of my friends don't get drunk all the time like I do. I mean, I'm 23 years old. I'm in that party stage of my life and I always want to get drunk and have a good time.         Today me and Korri are going to hang out again. She's coming over tonight to get drunk with me. I'm really looking forward to it because my boyfriend doesn't really drink much either. What's with everyone not drinking much these days? Drinking is fun as hell! Who the f*** doesn't want to feel stupid and good at the same time? I know I do! I love the feeling of being drunk and it helps me with my anxiety. When I'm drunk, I'm much more daring and not really scared of anything.         Korri and I are also going shopping today. I can't wait! If you ever want to go shopping, I'm your girl! I love shopping! I know people say that money doesn't buy you happiness but it totally does. It doesn't bring you happiness in the long term, but it brings you happiness for a little while. I mean, who the f*** doesn't like owning nice cloths and nice makeup and all that good sh*t? I sure as hell do! I love me some nice makeup and cloths! I mean, I don't just magically look pretty as hell. I put a lot of effort into looking this good. I am what you call high maintenance. I always have to straighten or curl my hair, put makeup on, wear cute ass outfits, shower every single day, wash my face every single day, make sure my hair color is always looking good and on point (not that washed out faded bullsh*t), wear cute ass shoes, wash my face really good with two different products every time I shower, and the list goes on. I take good care of myself. I always make the effort to smell good and look pretty. Of course I have my lazy days where I don't do all of those things, but doesn't everyone?         0 Comments

02/09/2019 11:45 PM  journal # 42        Guys are so annoying. I haven't been single in over a year and they still try. It's so annoying. Why would I leave for your ugly, pathetic, thirsty ass? Sometimes I will go on Facebook messenger and pretend to be him to get them to f*** off. No offense men, but none of you are good enough. None of you will ever measure up to my boyfriend. He takes care of me and besides us getting into arguments and him making mistakes once in awhile, he's a much better man than any of you. I do not want you! It's funny that your trying though when your completely out of my league.         I am that girl that every guy wants but can't have. Ever sense I have gotten with Kenny, I have realized what I want in a relationship and what I expect. I will never settle for a piece of sh*t guy ever again (but hopefully I won't ever have to do that). I used to date these crappy ass guys that only had to offer there looks. For the longest time, I started to think that the only good thing about having a hot guy on your arm was the way they made you look in public, and sex. Now my outlook has changed. I look back and the guys I used to date and the sh*t that I put up with and I think to myself, "Wow! How could I have been so stupid?"         Life is pretty great right now. I have been reading a lot, cleaning, and watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch on Hulu (the original). I love that show! I like it more than the new one that came out on Netflix a few months ago. Call me old fashioned but the new Sabrina Spellmen is ugly as f***. She can't compare to the original Sabrina. Sorry! NOT sorry! Bitch you nasty!        I've been thinking about writing books. I have a very big imagination so I think I could really shine doing something like that. I really enjoy reading and writing/typing. I started writing one of my stories already. It's about 2 young girls that got tricked into picking up a puppy and ended up getting kid napped. The book needs some work, but once I'm finished with it, I might have it published or something. I just absolutely love reading and writing.         I'm getting onto food stamps! I really need it, esp sense I'm currently not working. Were running out of good food to eat here at my apartment. It really sucks because I'm a super picky eater so I can't ever find anything appealing enough for me to eat.       My roommate moved out of the apartment! No offense to her, but I'm glad she left. Now, me and Kenny are living together. Now, instead of one room belonging to someone, we have the whole top floor shared by both of us. He has my old bedroom as his area to mess up and then we share a room. It's kinda nice for when we are fighting. We can both get away from each other and have our own space! When I am angry, I NEED my own space. If I don't have space when I am pissed off, I just end up exploding and when I explode, I'm a very mean person. So with that being said, it all works out!         I don't know if anyone else ever has this problem, but I took some really pretty pictures today and now I am having a hard time choosing which one is the best and that I want to post to Facebook. It's kinda frustrating. I don't want to post all of them though. I mean I could, but I don't want to. I wish it was easy. Its so frustrating trying to pick the right photo. Pretty girl problems man. It sucks! 0 Comments

01/28/2019 01:34 PM  Journal # 41        Man! I wish I knew how to create a website. If I could create a website, It would be a social media website. Basically it would have stuff from Facebook, Instagram, and Myspace. Too bad I don't have the slightest idea on how to do that. I don't know about anyone else, but it gets super boring when you log on to the same old same old thing. Nothing drastic ever changes.  2 Comments

01/22/2019 07:28 PM  Journal # 40       I had to get hair supplies today. My hair is growing but it's still too short to put all in a pony tail. I had to get those head band things, hair ties, bobby pins, and berets. The only way I can wear my hair up without it looking stupid is with those things. I can't wait till I don't need any of those things.         The book I talked about before that I am reading, is getting super good. It's one of those books that is really hard to put down. I love books like that. You want to know what is going to happen next. The chapters are kinda long, so for me to read more than one in a day is kinda a big deal. Usually if I am reading a book that has longer chapters I only read one a day, but this book is so good that I want to read more than one.         I've been watching "Charmed" a lot lately. It takes me back to when I was a little girl. Me and my mom used to watch charmed every day that it was on together. My mom was a stay at home mom for me and my brother until we were old enough to handle ourselves. Me and my mom would always be watching Charmed, Angel, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Soap Oprahs. I loved to watch those shows with her. Now, I can't stand Soap Oprahs. They drive me nuts. I guess when your young though, it's a little different. Your more easily amused at that age.        My boyfriend got a job and he starts tomorrow. I think it will be really good for us because for the last three weeks or so we have been around each other all day long up each others asses. We defiantly need a break from each other for sure. I'm also really looking forward to him making less of a mess around the house. He has been super lazy lately and doesn't seem to ever want to clean. I'm always constantly cleaning my apartment. I hate it being a mess. Now that I live on my own, I want my place to look nice for when other people come over. Not only just that, but it is a lot easier to find things when they are put away where they belong. Tomorrow I got a tone of things to do. I have to do the dishes, clean my bedroom, clean the living room, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, wash rugs, and wash my cloths. I want the apartment to be spotless. I want someone to walk into my apartment and think, "Wow her place is super clean and homie!" For the past few days I have been slacking a bit when it comes to cleaning. I pick up after myself, but that doesn't seem to be enough.          My room mate is moving out of the apartment. I'm kinda relieved to be honest. Shes super messy, irresponsible, annoying (at times), and just not ready to live on her own yet. Shes about my brothers age so there is a four year difference between us. I'm always constantly wanting the apartment to look nice so I am always cleaning. When shes home, she never lifts a finger or pays for anything. She complains about paying the bills and doesn't seem to understand what it is like to live on your own. She uses my dishes, my dish soap, my shower curtain, my trash cans, my silver wear, my trash bags, my laundry detergent, my fabric softener, my dryer sheets, my Hulu account, my Netflix account, my Tv, my Roku, the list goes on. Pretty much everything that I own she uses. Not once has she paid for trash bags or anything that we need at the house. If she bought something, it was strictly only for her to use. I've even given her stuff like shampoo and conditioner that I want to use but know that I never will. I've given her so much stuff. She has it easy here. Honestly, I can't wait till she moves out. Shes super nice, but shes kinda a moocher and I don't like that. I also can't stand to look at her messy and disgusting bedroom. She just throws her trash on the floor and her cloths and stuff all over the room. I usually keep her bedroom closed because I hate that it's messy. I hope that my boyfriend will be able to take her place. The only thing that could cause him to not be able to be my roommate is his background check. He's got a felony charge so that might be a problem. I hope that it won't be though because I really don't know if I will like the new roommate. I don't want to get another person that doesn't pay for sh*t or doesn't clean. I will end up getting super annoyed if the next person doesn't pick up after themselves.           I'm honestly really liking my hair black. Like I said before, black and platinum blonde are my two favorite hair colors. The super white hair looked super good on me because of how pale I am, but with the black hair color, I don't have to worry as much about damaging my hair. Yes, permanent hair color is still damaging to your hair, but it's nothing compared to bleach. Bleach is the most horrible thing you can ever do to your hair. It is horrible for your hair which sucks because it makes your hair look super pretty and light. I always liked to almost white hair look on me. It looks really good, but no one wants to damage their hair to shreds. I would rather have long and healthy black hair, then have short and damaged almost white hair. Once your hair is damaged to sh*t, it is VERY high maintenance. I speak from experience. In the past I had damaged my hair so badly, that every time I would get it wet, it would feel like spaghetti noodles when you touched it. Brushing your hair was also horrible. A tone of my hair would come out into the brush when I brushed it and if I let it air dry, it would dry and turn hard like straw. I never in a million years want to damage my hair that badly again. My hair was so damaged that it was like super f***ing poofy when I brushed it. My hair is still damaged till this day, but nothing compared to what it was then. I don't dye it that often. I only dye my hair when my roots start to get to long for my liking. Here, I will insert a few pictures of when my hair was totally fried here:  I made this last one large because when looking at my hair in this photo it looks wet to you right? Well it wasn't. It WAS wet but before I could brush it, I had to let it dry and that is how it dried. Yea, pretty horrible huh?! These two photos are me now. As you can see, my hair is in a MUCH better state. I still sometimes shed here and there, but that's ok. I have had many hair cuts sense then and all of that horribly damaged hair from 4 years ago is gone. I will never damage my hair to that extreme ever again. Well, I got some dishes that I need to start on. I've been kinda procrastinating because I just really don't feel like doing them. I have a sh*t tone to do too so it's very overwhelming. So I will get back to you later. Time to go back to living life. 0 Comments

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