09/18/2021 11:30 PM  I AM THE ENEMY Current mood:  catalyzed Written April 2021 Look me in the eyes and I will not back down! I am a middle finger! I am an atomic bomb! I will never surrender I'm here to destroy your sense of right and wrong. Courage is not the absence of fear but doing things in spite of it And I am terrified out of my mind so you should fear what's coming for you  You brought the handcuffs! You took the mugshot! So don't be surprised when I become the outlaw To you I'm the sickness for which there is no remedy  You cast me out so now I am the enemy 1 Comments

09/13/2021 12:04 AM  What a weird f*ckin day. Current mood:  miserable Ight. Where the heck do I start? The beginning. (TL;DR at the end) Went to my brother's first soccer game of the season, ended in a tie, 1-1. I don't care much for soccer but I was there to support. When we got home the neighborhood kids were hanging out on our lawn with their skateboards, my little sister was with them, ages ranging 8-11. Said hi, went to head inside but then the oldest kid did an ollie so I asked if she could teach me because I kinda suck at skateboarding. The youngest kid was giggling and told me that the oldest kid had a crush on me. Older kid looked so embarrassed man. I said "okay cool, I'm too tired to process that" and we continued playing/hanging out and eventually all the kids left. I hope I didn't hurt this girl's feelings. An 11 year old has a crush on me. What THEN my friends and I had this zoom call, but I FORGOT to change my zoom name and it had my pronouns in it and they definitely saw it and holy sh*t I just outed myself Changed it as soon as I could but they absolutely saw it, I don't know what to do, these are the homophobic/transphobic friends I was talking about. I know 2 of them are more supportive/probably not transphobic, but the other two...hmmmm I'm in danger. They all just kinda ignored it, but if anyone asks I'll probably go "I thought you guys knew already" (not a lie, but will confirm my out-ness) and treat it as not a big deal, or I'll go "I was just messing around" (really unconvincing lie, but will allow me to slink back into the closet). Honestly, f*ck the closet, I was getting tired of it, I'm pretty sure most people had an inkling of an idea anyway, with the way I dress and all. Who f*cking cares. I go to school now. I can make friends there. I don't need these people. I don't care if they f*ckin hate me and abandon me or whatever. It's not like we've known each other since preschool or anything. Not like I care about them... God. I'm both freaking out and weirdly calm about this at the same time. Feels like my world is crashing down. Terrified but finding it strangely beautiful. I mean... I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. I was hoping for later. Oh well. I'll be fine, always am. TL;DR: An 11 year old has a crush on me and I accidentally outed myself to my probably-hateful friends. What a weird f*cking day. -Jed 2 Comments

09/12/2021 02:22 AM  Partyyyyyy Current mood:  crunk Came back from a party at my rich friend’s house…that was a party lemme tell you you haven’t partied until you’ve jumped up and down on a rich person’s pristine white couches Dude whatever the non-alcoholic version of being wasted is, that’s me rn I’m so tired, I put up half a mohawk but from all the dancing I now look like Edward scissorhands  They had a party room. A room for partying. In their house. Built in speakers. Polar bear rugs (not actual polar bear, it’s like a cow or something). Security cameras. Spiral staircase. Marble everything. The works. It’s so white it’s blinding. Rich people, man Goodnight, I’m so gonna feel this in the morning ahaha -Jed 0 Comments

09/01/2021 09:26 PM  First day of sophomore year tomorrow! First day of public school…ever, really. Current mood:  confident Well…this is it. No turning back now, but who said anything about going back? No point in pinpointing the point of no return. Stranger in a strange land, I’ve been raised an alien and I’m coming home to Earth. Or at least I hope I can find a home in this place.  I’ve been getting high on hopes these days, I hope I never run out. Ha, there’s a penny for the jar. Here in the green room, optimism never looked so good on me. Hope it stays that way when I step out on the stage. And that’s another penny. Morning after thunderstorm, all fresh and new and delightfully dreary, the petrichor hanging in the air. That’s what it is, both figuratively and literally. The calm after the storm. So I’ll lace my boots tight and put on a smile to go with my spikes, ‘cause everyone else here has enough fear for the both of us and I’m excited to finally start living a little.  They don’t even know what’s coming for ‘em.  -Jed 1 Comments

08/28/2021 10:52 PM  My brother is back :) Current mood:  pensive We drove to Connecticut today to bring my brother back from this summer camp he went to. His voice dropped, and he’s significantly taller than me, and he has acne now, so much can change in 2 months huh :’) I’m not sure how I feel about that. Maybe I should think about it, unpack it like he’s unpacking his bags now. I don’t know whether I’m jealous or sad or happy or terrified or whatever…real mixed feelings there about him growing up. /neu I know I’m happy to have him back and that I love him so much, and that’s good enough for me, nothing else really matters. Still have a lot of mixed feelings going on there though. Oh well. Not much I can do to stop the flow of time. Funny, we're actually rewatching Loki right now. -Jed   0 Comments

08/25/2021 06:54 PM  Orientation Current mood:  excited Orientation went well! Got my schedule, I have business for my electives lol but we’re talking to the counselor to switch to art. They had the whole speeches stuff for so long, they really stressed the whole “school is a dignified place” and that you have to act accordingly, i think that’s pretty normal though Also this is a really good public school…like I’m not gonna say the rank but they’re one of the top in NY state? Really good ranking in the whole country? Which is great but like…no pressure at all /s After the speeches we got our schedules if we didn’t have them already, got our locker numbers, walked around, I had to ask one of the seniors how to even use those spinny padlock things on the lockers which was kinda embarrassing but he was nice and hey I’ve never touched one of those in my life I saw this person with split hair-dye half black half pink which was really cool, the PTA people complimented my battle vest, the security guard was super nice, all in all it went really well! And afterwards we got sushi :) -Jed 0 Comments

08/20/2021 11:12 PM  Blogging Current mood:  contemplative Gonna try making a blog post at least once a week. Maybe I’ll make a few of ‘em all pete-wentz-y like my one about public school, that’s the goal isn’t it? I already think in edgy metaphors most of the time anyway. Dunno, the goal of aiming to sound like someone else ain't exactly appealing to me, but I do love a good emo blog post. Eh, I'll just do it without aiming for anything, without aiming to be anyone. At least once a week, hopefully. When school starts up in 2 weeks I'll probably have more to talk about. Night. -Jed 2 Comments

08/20/2021 08:36 PM  Home alone :) Current mood:  rockin Home alone!! Completely! Nobody but me! This never f*cking happens, I'm so happy. Gonna go wild. My idea of wild being blasting my music without headphones on lol.  Singing at the top of my lungs to Jesus of Suburbia and Letterbomb by Green Day, now that's what I call a good time. I think our tenant might be worried ahaha. Also cleaning my room, but with The Used playing in the background. F*cking great. I'm mostly just doing the same stuff I normally do, without having to worry about being perceived, judged, bothered. I like it this way. Too bad it won't be like this again until who knows when. Oh well, savor it while it lasts, y'know? -Jed 0 Comments

08/13/2021 12:51 PM  School’s startin’ soon Current mood:  determined Man. In 3 weeks I start public school for the first time ever, after being homeschooled my entire life. That's exciting but slightly terrifying. But isn't that just what excitement is? Afraid but looking forward to it nonetheless. I hope I can reinvent myself and my world somehow, it's why I wanted to go to school in the first place. I'm sick of being the person I'm expected to be and I'm sick of this sheltered little homeschool community. I'm sick of being in a place where my friends learn to hate the very thing I am. Bright-eyed tweens turn into homophobic teens and I can't even hate them because it's not their fault and they don't know any better. And from an outsider's perspective I know they'll probably be called bigots and I shouldn't be justifying or apologizing for anything, but if I wasn't queer I probably would've been one of them and for that reason I can't really hate anyone who hates me for my sexuality, for my gender. I can't hate them, but I can't stay with them any longer either. Hence, public school. I don't know what to expect. Sleep deprivation and stress, probably, but I hope I can find something in it. Something better than friends who don't know me and teachers who teach hatred to them. Everyone acts like I'm heading to the Wild, Wild West, a lawless place where God is dead and children swear like sailors. And maybe that's partly true, but there's more to it than that. There's different people, different experiences, different opinions. I think that's what they're really scared of. That I'm going to learn to see through the bullsh*t. I started doing that a while ago though. But I can't abandon my friends for good. I wonder if they'll find out that I'm queer somehow, I couldn't care less. I wonder if they'll still like me after that, I wish I could care less. I guess I'll send them letters from what they call hell. Still keep up with them, hang out with them on weekends. I know they'll hang on to my every word and story. Letters from the damned. Stories of the wicked. So yeah, I'm excited but terrified of what'll have to happen, they're terrified but excited to know what becomes of me. I'll do my best to not get swept away by it all.  -Jed 0 Comments

08/08/2021 12:24 AM  Cosplay convention! Current mood:  ecstatic I went to a cosplay convention today! I cosplayed as Din Djarin or The Mandalorian. My little sister was baby Yoda. Sorry, Grogu. Here's what happened: I got to see so many cool cosplays :D  There was this “portfolio review panel” n the people looked at my sketchbook and gave feedback on my art which was terrifying but they said I was really good and suggested different things I could do to improve We (me, my mom, n my sister) got an honorable mention at the cosplay contest! We would’ve won best group if it wasn’t for the phenomenal Sailor Moon group but they absolutely deserved it they looked so cool. I got a comic about the Misfits and a comic called Haunting, they both look so rad. And I got a Ramones pin. Also we saw the dude who plays Cyborg in Justice League, Ray Fisher!! We didn’t pay for an autograph or photo op but it was still awesome to see him. Also also there was another dude in a Mandalorian cosplay and we did the spiderman pointing meme at each other. All in all, I am so glad that cons are back. Best. Day. Ever. -Jed 0 Comments

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