08/25/2022 01:38 AM  It’s not a phase, mom…or is it Current mood:  nostalgic Been listening to loads of new music recently, I think my tastes are expanding. With that comes the realization that.... I think I'm growing out of my emo phase. Not that I don't like the scene anymore...but more that I'm not sad anymore and I'm emo because I love it and not because I don't love myself. It's something I'll always like the aesthetics of, but recently I've been missing that "emotional darkness" or whatever that made me gravitate towards emo in the first place. Call me a poser now I guess. I'm happy. I'd say I feel similarly with the punk side of me but it feels more like punk is being stripped from me involuntarily. Growing up, cleaning up, giving up. I've got a job. I've started wearing shirts with collars. I'm too tired to be angry and I feel like that's how they get you. I've been beat down enough times and it's starting to feel like the better deal is to go with the flow and I hate that. I wish I could feel that righteous anger at injustice consistently. But every so often comes the sneaking thought that "this is just the way the world works and you can't do anything to change it". What bullsh*t, y'know? But "just accept it" is easier than "this is not acceptable". Growing up, cleaning up, giving up. It's how they get you and I'm trying to fight it. But also, punk music sucks. I'm sorry. I love it but it's objectively bad. It's warped my standards for music because now I think that someone screaming incoherently and smashing their guitar into a sh*tty mic is the pinnacle of music. Someone's gonna hate me for saying this but I heard a pop song the other day and finally discovered what listenable music is. I didn't know songs could sound so nice. Like I absolutely love the ethos of punk and I love the music at the best and worst of times but c'mon guys. Lmao. So...yeah. I'm still punk. I'm still emo. I guess. I'mma stop being fake deep and say yeah the stuff is cool n the ideology is something I connect with and the music is my jam. But like I'm too lazy to be as super into the subcultures as I was before. Like sure I guess I play the part? I put on the same punk battle jacket and MCR tshirt whenever I go out and put on my old playlist and call it a day. Lazy I'm telling you. Maybe I'm not losing my alternative-ness, rather it's become such an ingrained part of me I just stopped noticing it. I quit feeling like I'm punk or emo because I'm just me and that's the most punk and emo thing I could do. Yeah...that more accurate. Sorry that the premise to this post was clickbait. I'm still those things I just don't feel the need to get so obsessed with it. It's a part of who I am but it doesn't define me, y'know?  Well that was a whole epiphany lmao. Yours in alt-ness, -Jed 0 Comments

08/24/2022 12:25 AM  Busy busy busy Current mood:  stressed Man I've got a lot going on this school year. I'm heading into APs for the first time, I'm trying to start a club and I'm also part of other clubs that'll probably expect me to be just as dedicated as last year, I'm learning to drive, I've got a JOB which I do love, but man is it a lot to juggle. I know I'm gonna burn out faster than a cigarette under a scuffed boot but I know I'll at least enjoy the stomp. Not in a masochistic way...unless you want it to be. Jk. I mean that it's all things that I enjoy to an extent, but it's just a lot.  And then on top of that I've got all this other stuff, big stuff like figuring out what I want to do with my life and colleges and whatnot, and smaller stuff like making time for friends and focusing on my art. Not that smaller means any less important to me. Just...smaller in the grand scheme of things I suppose. I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing at once. Both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by the future and how slowly it's hurtling toward me and how quickly it's inching along. I wish things would make sense but I've started to accept that maybe they never will and that's okay. It's going to be okay. In the meantime I'll be juggling like the best clown at the circus and practicing that thing they call "self care". Which I like to call "giving myself a f*cking break". You should give yourself one too. -Jed 0 Comments

08/11/2022 01:31 PM  The prodigal son returns Current mood:  nostalgic Yeah lmao it's been about a year since I last used this site, but I've been feeling kinda emo (in a good way) recently and this site has been calling to me. Figuratively and literally, they sent me an email about deleting my account if I didn't log in haha. Man it's been so long I gotta update my interests. A bunch has changed and it's crazy how far I've come from the nervous kid stepping into public school for the first time. I admire his confidence though, I could use a few pointers/reminders from the guy. Well, in any case, i suppose I'll come back here any time I feel the hankering for some good ol' fashioned emo blog posting. My love for that hasn't changed.  Talk soon, -Jed 0 Comments

10/31/2021 11:15 PM  Happy Halloween!! 🎃 Current mood:  happy I don't even celebrate Halloween but it's the best holiday of the year. Spooky time! I love it. Dripped some fake blood down my chin and wore some fangs but other than that I didn't do much. My school had a costume contest on Friday and I won first place!! I was the Mandalorian from Star Wars, made the whole thing myself outta cardboard back in the summer. And the prize for winning was 50 f*ckin' dollars! Idk what I'm gonna spend it on yet but I'm thinking of saving for either the Frank Miller Daredevil comics or a guitar.  Like seriously, I think I would suck at guitar/music in general but I got the look down so I might as well try it out. Considering I wasn't allowed to listen to music (other than religious music) for the first 10 years of my life, I feel like my development in that area is subpar...I would absolutely suck. Last year-ish I convinced my parents to get me a ukulele, but I never touch it. I probably should, but like...you try being punk rock with a uke. It's impossible. The uke was a stepping stone. A compromise. I wanted an electric guitar. But hey if I buy it myself I don't think they can say no. Anyway, tangent over. Happy Halloween. Happy birthday to my mom as well, she was born on Halloween and that's the coolest thing ever, I'm so jealous. Happy birthday to Frank Iero whom she shares a birthday with, I am doubly jealous. Treasure these last 45 minutes of Halloween before November comes and we are bombarded with the onslaught that is Christmas. -Jed   0 Comments

10/24/2021 02:07 PM  Liberty spikes, Halloween, and pep rallies (middle schoolers scare the living sh*t out of me) Current mood:  happy It was spirit week at school last week, I decided to go all out for decades day and get all punked up and put up some liberty spikes, they looked so rad. A bunch of people complimented me and some teachers said I reminded them of their teenage years. Went to my first pep rally, I think they're overrated and nothing like the movies. It was hot, I didn't know any of the sports people, and the mic kept cutting out and hurt my ears. The cheer squad was pretty good though. The pep rally was at the middle school for some reason, so I had to walk through the hordes of tweens, lemme tell you 13 year olds are the scariest people on the planet. Being called "emo!" by a bunch of middle schoolers is infinitely scarier than being called the f slur by anyone else lmao (this is a joke) Oh also homecoming game was supposed to be yesterday, but it was canceled due to a "threat to the school", which is not terrifying at all, the police were notified and everything. Crazy. What else...oh Halloween stuff! I went to a haunted house on Thursday which was super fun, it wasn't really scary to me I just thought the costumes the actors had were cool. I went to the Spirit Halloween near me and someone thought I worked there lol. I do look the part. They were actually selling a "punk rock costume" that looks like what I wear every day. I bought a bullet belt and some vampire fangs, but mostly I just wandered around the store and got fashion inspiration. I finally washed out my liberty spikes today, I barely recognize myself. My hair is probably so damaged. Oh well, I can worry about that later. Stay spooky, -Jed 0 Comments

10/17/2021 05:41 PM  :/ Current mood:  bored Been rocking out to Green Day in my room all day. Tomorrow starts spirit week at my school, where we dress up in different themes each day. Not many people do it but I like to go all out. I need a haircut...I also kinda wanna try liberty spikes. That'll probably be hard. Gonna try to hit up the Spirit Halloween soon, their stuff is real expensive but maybe I can get some fashion inspiration and buy something cheap. Last year they were literally selling a "punk rocker" costume that looked like what I wear on a daily basis. Hilarious. Not a lot's been happening. I took the PSAT yesterday, it was okay. Then I went to Target and got new undershirts and axe bodyspray. The highlight of my week. I think I need to get out more. Everything seems boring right now, or maybe I'm just tired. Have a good week. -Jed 0 Comments

10/10/2021 05:35 PM  Status report - tech crew, long weekend, and Dracula 🧛🏽‍♂️ Current mood:  tired Things have settled down a bit at home. All is well, or as okay or not-okay as it's ever been. All is normal. Joined tech crew, it's been absolutely exhausting, I may have bitten off more than I can chew. We're sorting out the costume closet, which is tedious, but it's fun enough. We get to watch the musical people rehearse. Glad for the 3-day weekend, I needed a break.  Gonna try to use the extra time for creative stuff, every weekend I say I'm gonna work on whatever project, and every weekend I'm too tired to do anything. One downside of schooling I guess. Current creative projects include this short Halloween story for a contest at school, my ongoing battle jacket patches, and my comic which I'm too scared to start. Maybe I'll start it tomorrow. Which is what I always say. We'll see. I've got everything written and planned, I just need to put pen to paper and actually draw the first freakin' page. Been reading Dracula, great book would recommend, I'm only halfway through. I love the characters, though the diary/epistolary style does take some getting used to. That's all for now, -Jed 0 Comments

10/03/2021 11:38 PM  Well sh*t then. (Or: my private holy war) Current mood:  unhappy I love my mom and she’s trying so hard and I’m really grateful but …how long is it gonna take for her to be fully accepting of my queerness? It’s been nearly 2 years since I came out to her, which isn’t that long I know, but I don’t think it’s ever gonna happen. She draws her line in the sand and I draw mine. We both refuse to budge because to each of us that line is the boundary of our most basic principles. She doesn’t support me going to the school’s GSA. Some bs about not wanting me to “nurture” this part of me. Some bs about if I turn towards this I’ll turn away from religion. She sees it as two opposing sides. Sometimes I do too. Her, the mighty yet loving general of the religious forces, and them, the army of queer disbelievers. And I’m caught in the crossfire. A casualty of the war both inside and outside my head. Why can’t I have both? That’s the way I’ve been trying to see it. Trying to make peace between the two. Be queer and Muslim. Impossible, I know. Revolutionary, I know. I’ll find a way. I really want to. Need to. I’m going to go to the GSA meeting tomorrow, but before that I’m going to pray one of my 5 daily prayers. Is that so hard for her, for them, to wrap their heads around? Am I that much of a paradox? Does my existence have to mean war? Sure seems like it right now. -Jed 0 Comments

10/03/2021 12:59 AM  October is here :) - school clubs, exercise, n walking home from school Current mood:  strong Happy spooky month everyone 🎃 Clubs in my school have started up, I joined the GSA! I was too terrified to speak and I just sat in the back but it was nice. One safe space in a world of danger. What a foreign concept. I also joined the weightlifting club, everyone is a scary jock and I'm definitely the tiniest and weakest person there, but I'm just there to do my own thing and reach my own personal best and not compare myself to others. Or at least I try to, but it's hard when the guy on your right is benching more than you weigh and the girl on your left is literally built like a freakin' Amazonian. At least I'm working out though. Speaking of working out, I am doing so much physical activity now that I'm in school. I have PE every other day, weightlifting twice a week, I do my own workouts on the weekends, plus I walk 30 to 40 minutes from school to home. It's a wonder I'm not absolutely jacked yet lmao. Bonus, my parents can't use the "back in my day we walked [insert length of time] to school in the wind rain and snow!!" 30-40 minutes is the perfect length for an album though, so I just put on my headphones and vibe. If y'all have any recommendations, I'd love to hear 'em. I have a whole google doc of albums that I've been recommended and I'm always looking to add more. I'm mostly into punk rock, pop punk, n emo stuff but I'll listen to most anything. Stay spooky, -Jed  0 Comments

09/25/2021 11:41 PM  ESCHATON Current mood:  impervious Written May 2021 https://imgur.com/a/J2Cl6WX "The end of the world is over!" No. That wasn't the end. I am. There is comfort in catastrophe because it is certain Harbinger of destruction and I love every second I am disastrous! The end of eternity! I stare into the sun and it is blinded by me. My tears burn white-hot streaks down my face As I cast off my chains and head into the fray A teenage assassin! I'm here to kill everybody! At the end I'll be dancing to my own private misery By the dawn's early light I'll be loading my gun  Fresh blood on the streets Here comes Armageddon. 0 Comments

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