12/12/2021 10:14 PM  pity party Current mood:  drained so i went to a "real" party for the first time (and most likely the last) time in my life today. abd's birthday party, to specific. i spent a good half of the night having a mental breakdown in the bathroom after i was struck with the realization that i am a living fossil of an era i wasn't even alive to experience and i was paranoid that everyone else at the party was conspiring against me and laughing at me behind my back. it's always so painfully obvious when people are trying not to gawk at me or laugh. i would honestly rather have them say what they're really thinking to my face. everyone has been so conditioned to "not stare at people who are different" that nobody will even look me in the eye and it's makes me feel like i'm not human. eventually i was basically dragged out of the bathroom by abd. his parents kept asking me if i had eaten anything today and gave me an apple. i'm not gonna lie, people expressing concern about my rapid and drastic weight loss today is kind of validating, but it also makes me feel like i'll never be able to recover because if i did no one would ever ask me if i'm okay anymore. they'd just assume i was fine, and i never am. i ripped the sticker off of the apple with my teeth, tearing some of the skin off. for a while i just sat there debating whether or not i should eat the apple until this one guy turned around to me and said "dude, did you seriously take half a bite of an apple? that's kind of f***ing weird." a bunch of people laughed at me so i decided to eat the apple out of sheer embarassment, and then they cheered me on for eating it like i'm karen carpenter and i'm about to keel over and die at any second. a blonde (or maybe she was a brunette, i couldn't really tell because of the lighting) walked up to me and started to chat me up. she's the sister of another girl i know, except she's cuter. i guess that was the highlight of my night. usually girls of her social status treat me like i have the plague, so having one talk me out of their own free will much less offer to let me hit their mango/banana flavoured vape is a special occasion, even if only for a few minutes. 0 Comments

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08/16/2021 02:46 PM  i want to kermit sewer slide Current mood:  depressed first day of 10th grade. i hate this place so much. i just want to curl up into a ball and die. i feel like everyone is laughing at me. i woke up today feeling confident but the second i walked into the building i felt like there was just this dark cloud hanging over me that followed me wherever i went. i hope someone shoots this school up. nothing of value would be lost. I want to run away and never look back. i have no friends here. do my parents ever wonder why i never want to tell them about my day? or why i only hang out with a bunch of junkies twice my age? they probably don't. they never do. the teachers made us tell them our pronouns like 5 times. what's the f***ing point? everyone just writes she/her or he/him anyways. it's pointless virtue signalling bullsh*t. the more you try to push this stuff, the more bigoted the kids become. i went to go to the bathroom i overheard a bunch of wiggas talking about how they "saw a bitch in the boy's bathroom" and told her that she was in the wrong bathroom. when i was younger, my parents always told me that i would "find my tribe." i never did. it's been five years now. i feel so empty. i have no f***s left to give, nothing to lose. it's like i never left middle school - or more accurately, middle school never left me. i have to bite my tongue whenever i hear someone complain about their life to prevent myself from saying it. no, it doesn't get better. it never does. just end it all before it gets worse. i wish i had went through with it when the thoughts first started. but no, i told myself to wait it out, see if anything changes. it didn't. all of that pain for nothing. i only feel alive when i have a bottle in my hand. going out and getting wasted on the weekends is the only thing i have to look forward to. the world feels much so smaller now.  i don't want what they have. i want to be them. i'm so tired of being me. i spent so many years creating this persona for myself and i don't even want it anymore. after what happened today, i serously considered replacing my entire wardrobe and bleaching my hair back to blonde. i'm so sick of being constantly harassed by dudebros. if only it was that simple.  0 Comments

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