pity party
Current mood:  drained

so i went to a "real" party for the first time (and most likely the last) time in my life today. abd's birthday party, to specific. i spent a good half of the night having a mental breakdown in the bathroom after i was struck with the realization that i am a living fossil of an era i wasn't even alive to experience and i was paranoid that everyone else at the party was conspiring against me and laughing at me behind my back. it's always so painfully obvious when people are trying not to gawk at me or laugh. i would honestly rather have them say what they're really thinking to my face. everyone has been so conditioned to "not stare at people who are different" that nobody will even look me in the eye and it's makes me feel like i'm not human. eventually i was basically dragged out of the bathroom by abd. his parents kept asking me if i had eaten anything today and gave me an apple. i'm not gonna lie, people expressing concern about my rapid and drastic weight loss today is kind of validating, but it also makes me feel like i'll never be able to recover because if i did no one would ever ask me if i'm okay anymore. they'd just assume i was fine, and i never am. i ripped the sticker off of the apple with my teeth, tearing some of the skin off. for a while i just sat there debating whether or not i should eat the apple until this one guy turned around to me and said "dude, did you seriously take half a bite of an apple? that's kind of f***ing weird." a bunch of people laughed at me so i decided to eat the apple out of sheer embarassment, and then they cheered me on for eating it like i'm karen carpenter and i'm about to keel over and die at any second. a blonde (or maybe she was a brunette, i couldn't really tell because of the lighting) walked up to me and started to chat me up. she's the sister of another girl i know, except she's cuter. i guess that was the highlight of my night. usually girls of her social status treat me like i have the plague, so having one talk me out of their own free will much less offer to let me hit their mango/banana flavoured vape is a special occasion, even if only for a few minutes.