01/10/2022 04:03 AM  oh no [tw] i was right about each year getting worse for me. i can myself and my mental health getting worse, i am slowly rotting from the inside. i have not been myself much lately either, but i'm trying to cover that up. i'm saying that i'm fine and alright to everyone, but i am crying and screaming for help, i am suffering and i do not know how much longer i have left. my brain is eating away at me and soon there will be nothing left. i never even thought that id make it this far. sometimes i feel like i was never ment to have a future, i am destined to meet my end soon. i will be suprised if i make it to 18 or past that. i never planned to have a life or make one. but now i suprisingly can imagine a future for myself, i can imagine it because of my boyfriend and him being in said future with me. he's all that i have left. he's been holding me together through what ive been going through, id never ask for anyone else, even though i don't tell him much about my struggles. i just don't want to worry or upset him. i just wish the pain would stop. ive been having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harming just to escape, but i haven't acted upon them. i promised him i wouldn't, and i'm going to keep that promise forever. ill get out all my thoughts and feelings here instead.  i need help but i feel like i am beyond repair. i know that there are people willing to help me, but am i willing to help myself ? i honestly wouldn't know, ive reached a place where im stuck in the middle between both life and death. although, sometimes i do feel like i am already dead. but death will never come for me because i promised. but sometimes i can feel death's stare, it watches and it waits til time is up, til i no longer can handle life no more. til i fall. the years, months and days counting down. the clock is ticking for me, but i never know when it will stop. i don't know wether to hope it keeps ticking or hope that it stops one day. sometimes i am in heaven, sometimes i am in hell. 0 Comments

12/31/2021 02:35 PM  maybe i'm getting worse [tw?] it's the new year's eve today. i hope that the next year will be better than the last, but i doubt that. each year everything just seems to get worse for me. i wont get my hopes up too high. though the past couple of days were alright for me except for the 3 days before today where i felt like i was pretty much holding on by a thread. my boyfriend helped me though, he always does, i'm greatful for him. but i just wish i could be accepted by my family and get the help and support that i need from them, maybe then i wouldn't constantly feel like sh*t. i don't tell them anything though, my family broke that trust so it's hard for me to tell them anything and it's honestly hard for me to tell anyone anything after that. maybe this year though, i want to try to change things for myself. i want to come out to my family again in hopes that they'll take me seriously this time and not ignore me and leave me to suffer. the other things i'm going through though, i'm not ready to tell them and i don't really think that i ever will be ready to tell them. that's what i'm good at, nothing up my feelings and thoughts til the seams are bursting and there's no going back from the breakdown. there's so many things i want to begin to do in 2022. i have my resolutions, my plans. maybe this time ill be able to do them, or at least i hope so. i truly doubt i will, honestly. i also have to go to a party tonight, i don't want to go. i'm feeling horrible right now and there's nothing more i want to do than to stay home. i don't care who misses me, afterall i probably won't be missed. it's just a party, nothing special anyway. i just want to  be at home and rot a bit. like i always do. i'm also scared to go too though since last night another thing had gotten worse for me, my tics. they usually only came around when i thought of something bad but last night, they just kept getting worse and worse to the point where i was struggling to even fall asleep. when i did though and woke up in the morning, they kept on happening. it feels horrible, i hate it, i hate i cant control it. i hope this is just temporary though and they actually didn't get worse, i really hope because i don't want this. i don't want to be judged by people. i don't want this. i don't want a lot of things but they just seem to happen anyway, i guess. i should be used to it by now. shouldn't i ? anyway, i don't have much else to say. just wishing this year will be better. happy new year. 0 Comments

12/26/2021 05:35 PM  i suck [tw] i haven't made a post in a long time a since i haven't really had much to say. but i wanna start writing again, ill be writing about things that happen in my life and the stuff i'm going through most of the time though.  bad  thoughts and images just kept invading my head so badly, i could barely think of anything else. i guess that's what ocd does to me, it destroys me, forces me to think about the worst. the other sicknesses in my brain also make me think badly, make me so f***ing paranoid it's unbelievable. after awhile and the next day, i still was thinking about the worst. i can barely control the way that i think. and i hate the way i am. i hate the way i'm so paranoid to the point where i can't think of anything else, im a f***ing wreck of a person. i hate myself. i hate the illnesses in my head the most, because they make me like this. they make me suffer each and every f***ing day. i can barely get a break from my own thoughts and head. im suffering, but i want to stay strong for my love. i need to. i also think that i might have more mental issues than i think. there's just so much happening. i was diagnosed with bipolar, but i'm starting to think the diagnosis might have been wrong or something. i genuinely think i might have borderline personality disorder instead. the symptoms all add up with what i'm experiencing. the paranoia, the abandonment issues, but those are just the basics, there is so much more than that happening with me other than those. but i'm not going to self diagnose myself. i just need to get another therapist, an actual good one since my other one had dropped my and deleted my files randomly. that is all for today. i hope i can keep this writing stuff up and not forget about it. 0 Comments

09/08/2021 03:53 PM  going back to school i haven't been posting a lot because i've really had nothing to say but anyway, today was the first day back to school. i was nervous as f*** but everything went okay when i got there, things were boring and nothing eventful happened but i did only go in the afternoon because i accidentally slept all morning because i'm a idiot lol. i made some art during one of the classes though, i haven't drawn in such a long time and i think i'm still okay at it, i'll still have to relearn a lot of the things that i used to be able to do though. then i had gym which was outside, all i did was walk around the track, sit down in the grass a little bit and also listen to music. and ya, it was a really boring day so i'm glad i'm home now so that i can actually do stuff. 0 Comments

06/09/2021 04:05 AM  tooth pain this week has been quite eventful for me. yesterday i got my braces put in, i was kind of scared and excited at first and the process took long and my jaws were hurting so muchhh. but now their finally put in, at first they didn't hurt but now it feels like someone is trying to pull out my teeth, it hurts so bad and i can't sleep because of it. i'm in a lot of pain right now even though i had taken a advil too. also yesterday when i had first gotten them in and then after a couple hours when i had finished being at a little zoom meeting thing, me and my family went out to get food and sit at the park and i couldn't even eat the food without pain and stuff. i hate this :((  0 Comments

06/03/2021 09:14 PM  omgg today i woke up at 1 pm and there was like a entire swat team in front of my house, i got spooked. today  was a stressful day. but the swat team was only using my house as cover because they were trying to arrest the neighbours but they already had left. oh it was really scary too, they had like big guns and no one even told us until one of us looked outside our house. and then my family decided to leave because we don't want to see the possible violence and i was like scared and when we tried to go out into our garage i opened the garage door and there were dogs like omg. anyway we went a drove to another family members house and had to wait like 6-7 hours for them to finally break down the door and leave, we watched most of the entire thing from the doorbell camera and it was also on the news for my city too. they also left all their water bottle garbage and broke my gate too and only apologised like shut up. but im home now and im really stressed out and anxious and just needed to vent or complain abt what happened, idk what to do rn.. 0 Comments

03/31/2021 11:18 PM  am in painnn i have a headache so now i will complain and talk. okay so i've been in pain for like 4 days now because i've been having some bad at migraines or headaches idk but like they won't go away and it hurts so much omg. it hurts more right bc i was around loud noises for a little bit so yeah. but my mom said to put two slices of potatoes on my head so the headache goes away which was really weird and didn't help at all but oh well, i now am having tea and a ice pack on my head so like hopefully that helps. off topic but yesterday i think i got exorcised?? 0 Comments

03/19/2021 12:04 AM  disconnection [tw] i sometimes feel disconnected to reality, as if everything is a dream and i'm not real, nothing is real. during times like these i feel  almost emotionally numb  and have trouble functioning or communicating. it's strange, it's been happening for a while now but recently it's been getting quite worse. i don't mind it at all unless it is interfering with me doing something that is quite important like school work or such. reality itself feels as if it was altered or if something was wrong or out of place in such. my mind feels blurry during these times and i tend to not remember what has happened during this disconnection as if i had woken up from a dream, only remembering few things but the things i do remember, they don't feel like real memories to me. it happens at completely random times, an example would be that today i was at a furniture store and it had happened there or it just happens when i begin to feel sad or begin to think of something i didn't want to think about. i don't quite know what causes this at all, it's all so strange to me, the feelings and what goes on and how everything just gets so foggy. maybe i'd enjoy if this would stop happening, i'm not sure. i don't feel anything when it goes on so i don't really know how to feel about it. i don't mind it. but like i said before, sometimes when i'm doing something important i can't really remember things that had happened when this disconnection is going on with me and when it's done it can be quite frustrating to me that i can't remember much that i was doing. i also sometimes get weird thoughts during these times. i have listed some re-occurring ones down below. - "nothing is real" - "i should die right now" / "i deserve to die" - "i could be actually dreaming right now and i just cause myself to suffer" - "i deserve everything that's happened to me" the thoughts are strange because there's no emotion attached to them when i say these things to myself in my thoughts, i just do. i do wonder if it is my subconscious thoughts and thinking coming out because of the disconnection. 0 Comments

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02/13/2021 07:44 PM  hi after awhile i am now posting , wow. anyway finally today i went to one of my band practices after like 5 months omg,, it was fun but then i became so lazy for some reason lol and now i'm literally so tired. i haven't played guitar in a while so ima have to relearn some songs and few other things too, i used to be so good at it until quarantine hit and then i just stopped for some reason lol.  was nice to see people  tho. in about 1 month we are going to preform a concert, so, hella rad, i missed preforming in front and for other people, i always had fun doing it. also at least i'm having a better day then yesterday lol, funny how my mood literally can change fr so fast even though it was a day. and then valentine's day is tomorrow too, idk what i'll be doing for that lol, probably not much at all and in a couple days it's also gonna be my birthday, i can't believe i'm turning 17, it fr feels like the months just blew by like damn!! and i've also been thinking of making some online friends too maybe, even though i'm not very good at talking and keeping up conversation with ppl online. so that might be hard to do. o well.   0 Comments

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