05/26/2021 03:27 PM  Not exactly sure who I’m talking to Current mood:  accomplished Just making a somewhat pointless update on here. Not sure if anyone will ever read it but as I'm waiting to do laundry (the facility is getting cleaned right now) it just seemed like a good time to publicly journal lol life has been good and weird.  i feel like things get better externally even when I feel unsure internally and it's an odd feeling. Like I never quite get to completely enjoy good things...like I've had to wait so long for certain things that I just feel mentally over it by the time i get those things haha Life isn't bad...just not quite sure what to think. I suppose there's only so much I can understand about my life at any given moment. It's not always clear what to do with the situations you've been handed and investments of time in various ventures  can feel like a huge gamble.  Working to make sure I can keep everything in balance - by "everything", I mean exercising, doing normal people stuff (like laundry), talking to friends, creating, and planning for the future. In that sense, I feel good because I'm doing what I can.    0 Comments

04/11/2021 03:05 PM  Just life n stuff Been having a tough time with everything. Hard to not define my life by the present moment, especially when I'm failing in the moment. I want to write more but truthfully, I'm tired and my brain is shot.  0 Comments

01/20/2021 12:45 AM  more feelz So I'm trying to juggle everything as usual...taking pics, writing (rather, attempting to write), trying to be ahead of the game for Valentine's, doing normal stuff like cleaning/organizing, trying to manage my emotions, and feeling crappy when I aimlessly browse insta...I used to be better at not doing that. Having to be more discplined about choosing what I put in front of me. Kind of nervous for a set off pics I'm supposed to take tomorrow...with me, anything could go wrong. Even though I've been doing this for forever, if I don't do hair/makeup often (which I don't - only 1-2 times a week), I lose all my skills and have to figure out what looks good all over again and how to replicate things that have worked in the past. But at least, a wig already looks half decent when you put it on (which is what I'm wearing tomorrow) and I think I have good reason to believe I'll get a couple good shots based on how today's pics went... 0 Comments

01/12/2021 10:02 PM  feelings Current mood:  anxious for the first time in awhile, blogging just felt like the thing to do. i'm pmsing lol i've been working on making a mini skirt and it's been going really well and i just have to do like 2 things and it'll be done but i've lost my motivation for a few days and just feel insecure like mAyBe I wOn'T bE AbLe To SeW tHinGs cOrreCtly 0_0 that's where i'm at.  been feeling anxious about a million things. i get so insecure about being able to do the same thing right twice. i always overthink the 2nd time around. song writing has been difficult and my mind has been reverting to having this dreadful idea that maybe i won't be able to write a good song EVER or at least for a long time. in the meantime, i can just have a ton of fun thinking really poorly of my skills and trying hopelessly to come up with something stupid. not that i feel absolutely horrific about everything. i've actually been pretty good lately. it's just that the anxiety is kind a background noise. it's there. it won't overtake conversation but it definitely detracts from my overall well being. then there's the guilt of having so many interests and hobbies that i constantly feel like i'm neglecting the most important things. for every time i succeed at making cool outfits, there's the part of me that feels it's a waste of time and i should be songwriting. i never get around to studying foreign languages. exercise is a struggle. been trying to eat well and succeeded for a few days and then went absolutely bonkers one day and felt like it would be better for me to just stick to eating relatively well and exercising more. i hardly read anymore. haven't been able to record much which will hopefully change soon. doing normal stuff is difficult - just keeping up on laundry, dishes, cleaning, getting rid of stuff or re organizing, decorating...i am never on top of all of it. hardly any social interactions. constantly feeling like i can't keep up with social media. the odd bullying incidents.  everything in combo, just makes me feel overall guilty, behind, failing, pathetic, hopeless. that sounds so dramatic. again, i feel that i have to emphasize that i don't feel like this all the time. when i do, it sucks. when i don't, it's like living in sepia tone...everything's a little more muted. not great, but not awful. just a bit concerning.  funny thing. i still haven't mentioned this account on insta. just enjoying the silence. enjoying talking in a room by myself.  0 Comments

11/28/2020 02:16 PM  Why am I like this?? Been in a bit of a weird place the last few weeks. Nothing's horrible. I've been productive and this is not the worst I've ever felt. But it's this underlying feeling of sadness or insecurity that's been morphing into a feeling of depressed paralysis. My interests/tastes are kind of weird and my head alternates between wanting to be busy and needing peace and quiet. I don't feel it's that serious but it's definitely a bummer haha In other news, got back into sewing and it feels reeeeeally good. It's nice to feel like I can just sit down and make my clothes look nicer.  Anyway, kinda tired. Maybe I'll elaborate more on all the feelings going on in another post.  0 Comments

10/28/2020 12:17 AM  life lately Current mood:  thoughtful Sooooooo I've been in a weird state of mind. Good, reflective. As I type, I'm wondering if I actually want to put all of this on the internet. Normally, I don't hesitate much to share my state of mind but idk...momentarily self conscious. Okay, maybe I'm self conscious 24/7 but at least 20 seconds ago, I wasn't feeling AS self conscious lol Sometimes, I feel concerned that I'm as self conscious as I am at this point in my life...like shouldn't I have outgrown this? I guess by that logic, I should have outgrown more habits aghhhhh ...Currently consuming a curry so spicy it's nearly making me cough. Anyhow, I was in this frame of mind that was singularly good for thinking about chronic emotional issues I've had and in vague, general ways, assessing what needs to change. It was good. Cathartic. Actually verbalizing issues that I've downplayed. Not feeling cripplingly emotionally involved in figuring stuff out. I don't want to go into too much cuz that's scary haha Basically, I'm a fraidy cat. Surprising, I know (yes, that's sarcasm). I feel like my fears are way too central to living as myself. There's always something to be concerned about and frequently something to freak out over in my world. It ranges from losing my nerve to just continue being myself creatively, to worrying how others perceive me on the internet (yes, I get hate here and there), to being afraid to be in awkward social situations with a) people I'm supposed to know better than I do for how long I've known them, b) just your average barista, c) literally a person I don't know that I have to briefly share the sidewalk with (I feel like suburban sidewalks are more awkward than city ones where you expect people to be there every hour of the day). There are tons of other little situations that are mountainous in my world. It's normal to try to pretend to be normal. Find a way to not let on that things that are normal situations for others are skills I've successfully avoided learning for too many years and would be really embarrassed to let on that I don't know yet.  I'm rambling and having a hard time picturing people being interested in reading this but I kinda wanna write it for myself. I'm just glad that as I write, I haven't announced this blog on my insta and nOone kNoWs AboUt thIs muahahahahaha It's not okay to be this way.  It's not okay to be so afraid all the time.  How to stop? So many other similar problems to this. I can't get it out of my head that I'm not pressed for time. I can't settle down to better myself academically just for the joy/accomplishment of it. I can spend hours doing other stupid things but I'm scared to devote time to reading books. I'm scared that it will time away from other things I want to accomplish. Sounds dumb as I'm writing it. I'm scared to waste time watching chick flicks except when I'm absolutely good for nothing laid up with a headache. I lack the focus to study stuff I like (languages, math) or learn new physical skills (mostly exercise related). I hesitate to do things now, like I'm waiting for the right moment and it feels wrong to just start. I worry that if I begin, I'll just not be consistent which would be disappointing.  So much to unpack. There's much more baggage. I don't need to put it here, now. I feel reluctant to post any of this. I don't believe I need to be honest about any of this publicly.  I feel like people wouldn't want to know what a rain cloud I can be. Of course, I can be a rainbow too. Sometimes, being on insta just feels like being a clown that no one wants to see sad, though. I'm not saying people don't have the right to not want to see me sad haha but it isn't exactly pleasant to think about people being put off by my being sad.  Anyway, I have lots of feelings and I'd like to think that maybe I'll get to write about some good ones here too but I am pretty private about my philosophical theories on positive things. I also love knowing that I am obligated to absolutely no one as regards my innermost thoughts. I never used to be this private haha. I used to be extremely open and I suppose I've lived long enough to realize what a liability that is. Writing lyrics is a nice way to present unpresentable thoughts :) 0 Comments

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