feelings
Category: Blogging
Current mood:  anxious

for the first time in awhile, blogging just felt like the thing to do. i'm pmsing lol
i've been working on making a mini skirt and it's been going really well and i just have to do like 2 things and it'll be done but i've lost my motivation for a few days and just feel insecure like mAyBe I wOn'T bE AbLe To SeW tHinGs cOrreCtly 0_0
that's where i'm at. 
been feeling anxious about a million things. i get so insecure about being able to do the same thing right twice. i always overthink the 2nd time around. song writing has been difficult and my mind has been reverting to having this dreadful idea that maybe i won't be able to write a good song EVER or at least for a long time. in the meantime, i can just have a ton of fun thinking really poorly of my skills and trying hopelessly to come up with something stupid.
not that i feel absolutely horrific about everything. i've actually been pretty good lately. it's just that the anxiety is kind a background noise. it's there. it won't overtake conversation but it definitely detracts from my overall well being.

then there's the guilt of having so many interests and hobbies that i constantly feel like i'm neglecting the most important things. for every time i succeed at making cool outfits, there's the part of me that feels it's a waste of time and i should be songwriting. i never get around to studying foreign languages. exercise is a struggle. been trying to eat well and succeeded for a few days and then went absolutely bonkers one day and felt like it would be better for me to just stick to eating relatively well and exercising more. i hardly read anymore. haven't been able to record much which will hopefully change soon. doing normal stuff is difficult - just keeping up on laundry, dishes, cleaning, getting rid of stuff or re organizing, decorating...i am never on top of all of it. hardly any social interactions. constantly feeling like i can't keep up with social media. the odd bullying incidents. 

everything in combo, just makes me feel overall guilty, behind, failing, pathetic, hopeless.

that sounds so dramatic. again, i feel that i have to emphasize that i don't feel like this all the time. when i do, it sucks. when i don't, it's like living in sepia tone...everything's a little more muted. not great, but not awful. just a bit concerning. 

funny thing. i still haven't mentioned this account on insta. just enjoying the silence. enjoying talking in a room by myself.