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Hey guys! i seen this thing and i decided to do it. SOOO you now know a bit more about me after reading this ^^When was the last time you held someone's hand? - I don't knowWhat are you doing right now? - watching Shane DawsonWhat color is your shirt? - blackWho was the last person you texted? - My best friend EmmyHave you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a J? NoWould you get married if you could right now? - YesWho was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? - SpencerWhat is the next concert/show you're going to? - NoneAre you in a good mood? - KindaThe last person you argued with? - EmmyDo you prefer warm or cold weather? - WarmIs any part of your body sore? - NoWhat do you wear more jeans, sweatpants, or slacks? - SweatpantsWho makes you so mad you could puke? - My familyPlans for this weekend? Crying over a band thAT BROKE UP ALMOST 6 YEARS AGOIf you were another person, would you be friends with yourself? - Yeah i guessWhere did you sleep last night? - My bedAre you confident in yourself? - NopeBrothers/sisters? - 1 sisterAre you watching anything? Yes, Shane DawsonWhat's one thing you've never told anyone? - I'm not telling -w-Favorite colors? - BlackDrinking anything? - Yes. CoffeeAre you listening to music? - NoYour favorite fruit? - PeachesIs there anyone who's a lot like you? - YesDo you like change? - NoDo you get offended easily? - It dependsWhat were you doing this morning at 7am? - SleepingWhat were you doing 15 minutes ago? - EatingWhat is on your mind right now? - SchoolWhen was the last time you spoke in front of a large crowd? - A couple years ago~Blank Version!~When was the last time you held someone's hand?What are you doing right now?What color is your shirt?Who was the last person you texted?Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a J?Would you get married if you could right now?Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?What is the next concert/show you're going to?Are you in a good mood?The last person you argued with?Do you prefer warm or cold weather?Is any part of your body sore?What do you wear more jeans, sweatpants, or slacks?Who makes you so mad you could puke?Plans for this weekend?If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?Where did you sleep last night?Are you confident in yourself?Brothers/sisters?Are you watching anything?What's one thing you've never told anyone?Favorite colors?Drinking anything?Are you listening to music?Your favorite fruit?Is there anyone who's a lot like you?Do you like change?Do you get offended easily?What were you doing this morning at 7am?What were you doing 15 minutes ago?What is on your mind right now?When was the last time you spoke in front of a large crowd?

Ayyyyy I have like, so many school assignments and I still haven’t started a lot of them :")

I gathered some nice witch blingees for Halloween/Samhain.. Just wanted to add them on my blog!

I can feel that I'm getting less and less stable as the days go by. Multiple panic attacks every week? It's going to be daily soon. I can't deal with this for another year. It's gone on too long.I want to be happy and stable and independent and I can't.It's the worst feeling ever.

I’ve got all this time left,Yet i feel i have none to go.When it is my final night,What will i have to show?Will it be a terrible fight?Or will we all know?Will my dreams leave my hands?Or will my blood stain them?

Tomorrow I turn 22 years old. Everything has been completely shifting to a whole new era in my life. My little brother got his girlfriend pregnant a few months ago so I have a niece or nephew on the way. My brother is finally realizing all the horrible things are step mom did to me when I was a kid. My step parents finally moved out of the house I lived in since I was four years old to 19 years old. I had to cut my biological father out of my life. All of these changes are happening so abruptly and I don't know how to cope with it. My childhood is long gone. My youth is fading into the past. I'm an adult in his early 20s trying to find my place in the world and who I am as a person. I'm not what other people define me as anymore. I know this change is signifying that good fortune is coming my way now, but my whole entire life I was beaten down and treated like dirt. And now I'm suddenly finding the stability I craved for so long and it feels so strange. I never felt this before. At least my little brother and I are on good terms right now. Him and his girlfriend I'll address the child to my step mom as Jennie and not as grandma, and we will tell him/her that their grandma Amber lives in the sky until he/she is old enough to comprehend and understand what death is. That statement brought me to tears last night when I realized my niece/nephew will never meet their grandma or know how amazing of a person she was. We can only tell them from what we have known and experienced with our mom. It kinda hurts to face that. He also said the baby will NOT be around out step mom unless his dad/my step dad is there. I'm not sure about my step dad though. He reached out to me today to talk about insurance stuff. He hasn't said a word about tomorrow. Figures, he probably forgot again. He doesn't care about his adopted sons birthday. The family that's helping me right now is taking me out for a special dinner and drink tomorrow. I know I said I'm straight edge again, but one drink on my birthday won't hurt. I'm not drinking to get drunk. I hate being drunk.  

Every failure makes us weaker and we wonder if it'd be easier if we didn't fail anymore. We sit back and brandish the gun but we never stop to think why we bother if we're the only one.  It's not fair, but neither is life, so we give up our hearts and polish the knife. Mothers will cry and blame themselves and our friends will point fingers at mirrors.  But the only fault is ours, the pressure suffocating our chests, and the weight of the world resting on our shoulders. We write our letters in class because we can't imagine our future. The only thing on our minds becomes pill bottles and silver bullets. Hang the wreath on my door and make sure to tell mom that I love her all the same. Don't print my name or tell my story. I don't want the fame. Erase who I was, who I am, and who I could have been.  Just make me a number amongst numbers, indeterminable from one another.    lovelovelovelovelove abby

Bury me in black and redNow that im among the deadHidden where the plants thriveI didnt ask to be aliveAs my coffin awaits,No roses hold me.This was my choice however,Because, you see,Red just isn’t my colour.

~Magickal Graphics~

So it's been a minute. I got a couple updates, so here we go!Still working on the albums, and I'm over halfway through the covers album, which has a cover now!I've been writing a lot, and I hope to have some more songs for my originals album, and a cover and whatnot soon! It's all really nebulous at the moment.Over at WWR, I've taken on the making flyers jobs, and as evidenced by the new photo album, and I'm the one who shares them outside of Facebook. I still have one hip hop thing I do, my band Samhain Night Krawlerz.That's me and Skratch. We've started work on a new album!My boss has a new album coming, as well, and from what I've heard ,it's pretty good.I'll do a blog post as more come, and post the artwork in an album, so it's more accessible!

I'm not talking about when going to a childcentric activity, (obviously )  I'm talking even when their kids are at school, or at camp, or it's just the adults getting together.It seems once they become a parent, their single or childfree friends simply no longer exist to them.I have seen this happen a few times now, does anyone else on here have friends that stopped hanging out with you and any other non-parent friend after they became a parent?Do you still talk to them at all?

"have you been trying to lose weight?"a simple question, innocuous to most. after all, i am obese. the doctor probably has no clue what those words do to my psyche.have i been trying to lose weight?i eat one meal most days.have i been trying to lose weight?my dietician told me counting calories would probably lead to a relapse, and im so tempted to do it again so i can have ana back.have i been trying to lose weight?this time last year i was surviving on green tea and miso soup and fasting for days at a time.have i been trying to lose weight?maybe if i don't eat at all i'll finally start losing enough weight for the doctors to be satisfied.have i been trying to lose weight?every time i eat i fight the urge to punish myself for it. people my size shouldn't waste food; my body fat could sustain me for months most likely.have i been trying to lose weight?the scale hovers at 290lbs and nothing happens. i feel even worse for having the audacity to eat full portions of everything.have i been trying to lose weight?no, not really. i've just been listening to my dietician and endocrinologist because they're supposed to know what's best.have i been trying to lose weight?maybe i should start counting calories again. i miss feeling empty after fasting for days at a time.have i been trying to lose weight?not as hard as i could be, so i feel like i haven't been at all.have i been trying to lose weight?last fall i lost 50lbs in two months by restricting and fasting, and my doctors were thrilled...until they found out how i did it.have i been trying to lose weight?i can't be anorexic, i weigh nearly 300lbs. if i was anorexic i'd be pretty.have i been trying to lose weight?if i die of starvation will they finally believe i was making an effort to lose weight? when my funeral comes will people comment on how thin i am? or will starving myself to death still not be enough to make me skinny?have i been trying to lose weight?if i try any harder, i'll be killing myself.have i been trying to lose weight?if i told you i'm never not trying, would you believe it? would you believe i only eat once a day? would you believe i never drink soda, never eat sugary sh*t, try my hardest to stick to less than 1k calories a day even though my dietician says not to count? if i told you i feel like a thousand calories is way more than i should be eating? if i told you the only reason i eat is because i don't want people to be concerned for me?have i been trying to lose weight?i guess that's not the question you should be asking. maybe you shouldn't treat losing weight like it's the only thing that will help my illness. because you're killing me.have i been trying to lose weight?i have, and i'm still trying, and it's not working, and i want to starve myself so i can be pretty.

After all this time you still make my heart beat erratically. And I still can't believe the softness in my eyes when I look at you.I don't know how, but you melt all of my insides away.I wish I could keep you inside my heart and save you for a rainy day.loveloveloveabby

I come here today to try and gain my self worth back to be able to let go of the people that manipulated me so badly the past six months this year. My friend had an album release today so I thought I would message him to celebrate the successful feedback of the album. But instead of joy, I was met with coldness. He was upset that I was posting survivor quotes on my Instagram without dropping names. The abuse was coming from my little brother and his fiance who were both my roommates, and my friend is very close to my brother. He was in a very abusive friendship for many years so his perception on these types of situations are very skewed. He truly believes that abuse is deserved and the only way to stop mistreatment is changing. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a very good person and he tried to come from a good place and he was also hurt. But he was pushing what his abuser taught him onto me. And in my heart, mistreatment of someone should never be justified. I admit I have been toxic to them in spurts of self destructive behaviors, which usually only happen when I am triggered, using the appropriate term since I have mild PTSD. But when these people have little to no regard for your life and come into your room at night waking you up with their foot on your chest and saying "I can kill you right now and no one would know" and beginning to force 300 lbs  their body weight onto me, I am not going to say "Its okay! I f***ed up and deserved it!" And not only that but pull a airsoft gun on me when I finally fight for my life. Sure, it was a BB gun, but if shot act a close range it can be very dangerous. I was lucky it fired a blank. Just to think, what if it was a real hand pistol...I would have been staring death in the face at that moment.That wasn't his first time he used attempting murder as a manipulation tactic and I know if I stayed there it wouldn't be his last. It was much more emotional and psychological abuse than physical abuse, but it occasionally did get physical at some points. My friend cut me off. And I accept it for what it is. It was meant to happen. The Venus retrograde is the time where the universe puts your relationships and friendships on trial. It is a time where I will find who in my life are my true friends and who are the toxic people I need to let go. I let these people use me and emotionally manipulate me for over four years and I am done with it. "I have outgrown many things. I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support. I have outgrown my need to meet my family's unrealistic expectations of me. I have outgrown girls who wear masks and secretly rejoice at my misfortunes. I have outgrown shrinking myself for boys who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature. I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments. I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear when life gets a little dark. I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity. I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced. I have outgrown those who don't take a stand against ignorance and injustice. I have outgrown trying to please everyone. I have outgrown society constantly telling me I'm not beautiful, smart, or worthy enough. I have outgrown my tendency to fill my mind with self doubt and insecurity. I have outgrown trying to find reasons not to love myself. I have outgrown anything and anyone that doesnt enrich the essence of my soul. I have outgrown many things---and I never felt freer."-Chanda KaushikIf someone treats you like crap, just remember that there's something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings.I don't wish them well, nor do I wish them misfortune. I wish them what they deserve, the affects of karma will take it from here. So mote it be. Blessed be to all my true friends who stand up for whats right and try to enrich the lives around them. Thank you for reading. Love,Ashton                                Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code

Dont expect me to forgive you so easily this time. You have given me sob story after sob story. You CONSTANTLY said "That person on stage is really how I am." but a few months after your apology, you: push me down, become overly critical of me, say you wish you never found me again, disown me, told me that I am the reason mom ended her life, BLAMED ME FOR YOUR RELAPSES, played favorites, stole, lied, and made promises to which you never fulfilled. You promised to keep me safe and you did the EXACT OPPOSITE EVERY SINGLE TIME. I forgave you too many times before. For FOUR GOD DAMN YEARS I said "It's Okay" pretty much reaffirming your behavior. I was basically saying "Its okay, you can still treat me this way.". I don't care how ANYONE sees you. To me you are a HORRIBLE person who wears the mask of a savior. You're no better than Donna OR Donald. And for the record, I am ashamed to have your genes. I am ashamed to have the Way blood in my veins. I am so f***ing ashamed to have ever called you my parent. I thought that my step dad was bad as a kid. You make him look like a SAINT in comparison. And you have admitted so many times that you would have abused me if you stayed in my life you f***ing psychopath. And you were right. You treated mom like this, why did I ever expect you to be any different with me! You said "We were both abusive". I don't believe that anymore. I believe that she was standing up for herself after all of those years of you treating less than a human being, constantly CHEATING on trust ANYONE after what you did to her.  And you "regret it" but then you turn around and shoved my face in the dirt OVER AND OVER AGAIN. F*** off. I hate you. You are a piece of sh*t and I cant believe I wasted four years of my life trying to get the love you never gave me. Drop dead motherf***er.                                 Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code