"have you been trying to lose weight?"

a simple question, innocuous to most. after all, i am obese. the doctor probably has no clue what those words do to my psyche.

have i been trying to lose weight?

i eat one meal most days.

have i been trying to lose weight?

my dietician told me counting calories would probably lead to a relapse, and im so tempted to do it again so i can have ana back.

have i been trying to lose weight?

this time last year i was surviving on green tea and miso soup and fasting for days at a time.

have i been trying to lose weight?

maybe if i don't eat at all i'll finally start losing enough weight for the doctors to be satisfied.

have i been trying to lose weight?

every time i eat i fight the urge to punish myself for it. people my size shouldn't waste food; my body fat could sustain me for months most likely.

have i been trying to lose weight?

the scale hovers at 290lbs and nothing happens. i feel even worse for having the audacity to eat full portions of everything.

have i been trying to lose weight?

no, not really. i've just been listening to my dietician and endocrinologist because they're supposed to know what's best.

have i been trying to lose weight?

maybe i should start counting calories again. i miss feeling empty after fasting for days at a time.

have i been trying to lose weight?

not as hard as i could be, so i feel like i haven't been at all.

have i been trying to lose weight?

last fall i lost 50lbs in two months by restricting and fasting, and my doctors were thrilled...until they found out how i did it.

have i been trying to lose weight?

i can't be anorexic, i weigh nearly 300lbs. if i was anorexic i'd be pretty.

have i been trying to lose weight?

if i die of starvation will they finally believe i was making an effort to lose weight? when my funeral comes will people comment on how thin i am? or will starving myself to death still not be enough to make me skinny?

have i been trying to lose weight?

if i try any harder, i'll be killing myself.

have i been trying to lose weight?

if i told you i'm never not trying, would you believe it? would you believe i only eat once a day? would you believe i never drink soda, never eat sugary sh*t, try my hardest to stick to less than 1k calories a day even though my dietician says not to count? if i told you i feel like a thousand calories is way more than i should be eating? if i told you the only reason i eat is because i don't want people to be concerned for me?

have i been trying to lose weight?

i guess that's not the question you should be asking. maybe you shouldn't treat losing weight like it's the only thing that will help my illness. because you're killing me.

have i been trying to lose weight?

i have, and i'm still trying, and it's not working, and i want to starve myself so i can be pretty.