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I'm Not a Victim, I am a Survivor
Category: Blogging
Current mood:
 complacent
I come here today to try and gain my self worth back to be able to let go of the people that manipulated me so badly the past six months this year.
My friend had an album release today so I thought I would message him to celebrate the successful feedback of the album. But instead of joy, I was met with coldness. He was upset that I was posting survivor quotes on my Instagram without dropping names. The abuse was coming from my little brother and his fiance who were both my roommates, and my friend is very close to my brother. He was in a very abusive friendship for many years so his perception on these types of situations are very skewed. He truly believes that abuse is deserved and the only way to stop mistreatment is changing. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a very good person and he tried to come from a good place and he was also hurt. But he was pushing what his abuser taught him onto me. And in my heart, mistreatment of someone should never be justified. I admit I have been toxic to them in spurts of self destructive behaviors, which usually only happen when I am triggered, using the appropriate term since I have mild PTSD. But when these people have little to no regard for your life and come into your room at night waking you up with their foot on your chest and saying "I can kill you right now and no one would know" and beginning to force 300 lbs their body weight onto me, I am not going to say "Its okay! I f***ed up and deserved it!" And not only that but pull a airsoft gun on me when I finally fight for my life. Sure, it was a BB gun, but if shot act a close range it can be very dangerous. I was lucky it fired a blank. Just to think, what if it was a real hand pistol...I would have been staring death in the face at that moment.
That wasn't his first time he used attempting murder as a manipulation tactic and I know if I stayed there it wouldn't be his last. It was much more emotional and psychological abuse than physical abuse, but it occasionally did get physical at some points.
My friend cut me off. And I accept it for what it is. It was meant to happen. The Venus retrograde is the time where the universe puts your relationships and friendships on trial. It is a time where I will find who in my life are my true friends and who are the toxic people I need to let go. I let these people use me and emotionally manipulate me for over four years and I am done with it.
"I have outgrown many things. I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support. I have outgrown my need to meet my family's unrealistic expectations of me. I have outgrown girls who wear masks and secretly rejoice at my misfortunes. I have outgrown shrinking myself for boys who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature. I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments. I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear when life gets a little dark. I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity. I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced. I have outgrown those who don't take a stand against ignorance and injustice. I have outgrown trying to please everyone. I have outgrown society constantly telling me I'm not beautiful, smart, or worthy enough. I have outgrown my tendency to fill my mind with self doubt and insecurity. I have outgrown trying to find reasons not to love myself. I have outgrown anything and anyone that doesnt enrich the essence of my soul. I have outgrown many things---and I never felt freer." -Chanda Kaushik
If someone treats you like crap, just remember that there's something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings.
I don't wish them well, nor do I wish them misfortune. I wish them what they deserve, the affects of karma will take it from here. So mote it be.
Blessed be to all my true friends who stand up for whats right and try to enrich the lives around them. Thank you for reading.
Love, Ashton
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