10/25/2022 04:23 PM  random pt.2 Sorry for venting so much on here. I'm finding it kind-of theraputic. I hope you guys dont mind. And God, I hope no one I know in real life finds this. Haha. 0 Comments

10/25/2022 04:04 PM  *Forgiveness. Berger read a quote from that damn article, and I'm really growing sick of this article he keeps going to (it's too relatable), and went "it's easy for survivors to get caught up in self-blame" (Tal Young). He compared it to when I tried to kill myself, and when Buck died. That I'm blaming myself for what happened. But- who else's fault could it be? It has to be my fault, hell, it was my doing that i killed myself! What I said to Berger still stands. "I am never going to be forgiven for that, never!" (Guest, 175) Why should I forgive myself for something so horrible, and why should anyone else forgive me? The peices arent being put into place correctly here. And with Buck, God, Buck. If maybe i had just held on, done something, anything! Its all my fault. If people knew how it went down, they'd surely blame it all on me, and they should. I dont know if I will ever forgive myself for my brothers death. Anyways, sorry to be so dark. Im gonna go. Maybe il go try to play a new song on guitar. Or do some homework. Bye. 0 Comments

10/22/2022 02:45 PM  random School was boring today. I failed a math test. Again. Oh well. My mom is probably going to be on me about it later. Oh well. Im going to take a nap. Goodnight. 0 Comments

10/22/2022 07:30 AM  *First Fight..... So... I got into a fight. I dont know what happened. I saw red and when my vision cleared Stillman was on the ground and his nose was bloody and I couldnt breathe and- yeah. You get it. Anyways, i've been thinking about it and I think I figured out why. Stillman had said "I don't know how you can listen to that lecture one more time about Buck Jarrett..." (Guest, 264) during the swim meet (I had gone to watch, I dont even know why) and obviously, it reminded me of Bucky. I didnt realize how much it affected me. That article Berger showed me? It said that "feelings of anguish and despair...[can be] brought on by concrete reminders or discussions about the deceased" (Tal Young). So maybe I was feeling anguish and despair. God, I miss Buck so much. Its true, it's agonizing, 'cause it was my fault. I couldve done something... Anything. I've started analyzing why things happen in my life. Why I do certain things. Given this article, I think the guilt his words brought up led to this angry outburst. My anger shows up seamingly out of nowhere, and its impossible to control because it all comes out at once. Im late for school now, haha. Bye. 0 Comments

10/21/2022 10:40 PM  *Anxiety and Me. My therapist and I have decided to do a bit of research, to "help me heal", about how grief affects teens mental health and how it affects me after my brother died. I was never formally diagnosed with Anxiety, but its pretty obvious. Everyone says so. Every day i'm constantly overthinking and God it makes life so difficult sometimes. I like to call myself "Conrad the anxious failure" (Guest, 19). I was talking with Berger one day, Berger is my therapist. He correlated my anxiety to my suicide attempt. He said anxiety can be a leading factor, I don't know if i believe him. I was reading this article though and it said "nearly 90% of suicides are associated with a diagnosable mental health or substance abuse disorder" (Tal Young). I wasn't diagnosed with Anxiety, but everyone seems to think I have it. I think I might be apart of the 90% because of that. I guess its one of the bigger indicators that I was at risk in the first place. So, I guess Berger was right, and I guess it makes sense. Part of me just wanted it to stop. The ruminating, the shaking, the agony. Anyways, I'm gonna go to sleep now. Haha. Sorry. Goodnight.  0 Comments

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