09/23/2020 09:57 AM  a boy :) Current mood:  loved I have a boyfriend now and I have real feelings for him. I tried explaining to someone how it was, this time it wasn't even forced. Like I didn't even force these feelings they just happened. I accidently caught feelings and at first I was so mad because I honestly love being single but I haven't felt this in so long and it feels so good. I kinda hate myself for this and I don't know how to act cause now that I think about I haven't caught feelings without forcing it for a long time. He treats me good and I just hope I do the same for him. I don't wanna say it outloud but  ᴵ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᴵ'ᵐ ᶦⁿ ˡᵒᵛᵉ..... I'm on my period rn so im like super duper emptional and writing this scared the sh*t out of me.. like I am genuinally sh*tting bricks. I'm scared. If this doesn't work out tho i'll destroy him. but for the time being ima only build him up and be there for him and only for him. hes got all of me wrapped around his finger and it scares me but im okay with that. 0 Comments

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09/04/2020 09:03 PM  I haven't posted on here in awhile (TW) SOOO the other day I had this really weird moment. I comletely forgot everything and I freaked out so bad. I didn't know where I was and it was so bad. I've felt so numb to everything and nothing really helps me. The only rhing that really brings me back to reality is hurting myself honestly. I hate the way my mind works. I get turned on by pain but the only thing that makes me feel sane and grounded is just to hurt myself... I don't even know why it happened. I can't stop thinking about how much I just want to leave this world but the guilt is unbearable. I can't imagine what my brothers would go through if I left or what eould happen to my father if I just ended myself "what a waste of money " "she put me in debt and she would just leave like that" I hate myself. I just recently got into a sorta relationship and he knows how I get sometimes and how low I can get and he says " if you were to ever kill yourself I would lose myself" there's so many people holding me back and there's so many different feelings I get. On one side I'm glad that I feel guilty and it stops me but if they weren't there to make me feel sh*tty about my decision I would have been gone. 0 Comments

06/27/2020 01:45 PM  idk Current mood:  restless i watch gilmore girls to make me feel better about my relationship with my mother.  0 Comments

06/27/2020 01:45 PM  idk Current mood:  restless i watch gilmore girls to make me feel better about my relationship with my mother.  0 Comments

06/25/2020 11:47 PM  update:))) Current mood:  loved so I got to spend time with him today and he knows how I feel about him and he feels the same way back. I had no idea how happy that would make me but it did. he kissed me today and i swear I wanted to scream so loud I was so happy and excited. Me and this boy have been friends for like 4 or 5 years already. I always told him I loved him but I can't say it the same way anymore cause this isn't that friend love anymore. I've gotten to know him and he's been there for me in my darkest times. I've grown really attatched to him and I am realy hoping he doesn't get bored of me or like lose interest. I really like this guy I even told my dad about him. It was so funny cause when he came to pick me up my dad wouldn't let me out til he came to the door to get me. It was so sweet and my dad has met him before but today he met him as someone I am interested in. I wasn't expecting it all to happen so fast but I am so happy this part did. I don't only want to talk about him tough cause then my whole blog would be about him.  I;ve been talking to my biological dad and I found out my grandfather died... I never got to meet him and I guess thats why I'm not hurting but I did hear a lot of great things about him and how much he wanted to meet me. I know he's hurting pretty bad and is scared he probably won't meet me but i'm doing my best to comfort him as much as I can. I haven't really met him in person but I guess the last time I saw him was when I was 4 so like 12 or so years ago. I'm okay though I turn 18 next year in September so I'll have the freedom to travel to see him and I'm really excited.  Goodnight ♥ 0 Comments

06/22/2020 08:34 PM  feelings :( Current mood:  worried So he wants to see what I post but I'm pretty sure he's gonna find out the last blog was all about him and that this one is too but I'm okay with that cause I'm to much of a p*ssy to tell him myself. It'll probably take him a minute to figure out the website but if he finds these that would be funny cause I don't really expect him to say anything though but I really do want him to notice that I want him back for me. He makes me feel so safe and happy, I don't think he understands that. I saw him recently and all the feelings that were supposed to be there months ago are rushing in now. A shame I might not have a chance now but  I guess it's worth a try.  0 Comments

06/22/2020 04:33 PM  Uhhh Current mood:  blank So since being off my meds for like a couple weeks I've started to idk how to explain it but feel things again. I was on meds for 4 years and I hit a little bump and now they're supposed to be given to me but my parents kinda forgot to keep giving them to me and I feel so released from everything. Anywaysss there's this boy and I've always felt a connection with him and we had a little fling before and I was so numb to everything and I didn't know how to catch feelings and I'm still trying to learn how to but I really feel like I'm getting played all the time. I've been feeling more sad than anything cause on my meds I didn't really feel anything unless it really hurt but I think I'm really starting to catch feelings for him like real deep feelings and I don't know how to exrpress that to him :( I hurt him last time we had our little thing and I don't want him to think I'm gonna hurt him again... ugh  0 Comments

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