07/11/2020 01:26 PM  halfway friends. i am tired of having halfway friends i'm tired of having to message first and always be the first person to ask to make plans and always be the one who gets left on read or delivered and always be the person who's an afterthought and only gets brought places because i asked if anyone was free. i'm tired of feeling unincluded and unloved and desperately having to scream into the void for help when i need someone to be there for me and still receiving nothing despite my best efforts to always be the first person there for everybody else and i am tired of wondering if it's something wrong with me or if people just aren't my type or if i'm reading too much into everything or if this is normal and this is just how friends treat you or if i am ever going to have a real friend who makes me feel whole and loved and part of me believes i should just drop all of my halfway friends because they don't seem to care but i am terrified that if i do that, i will never make a full friend. 0 Comments

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07/03/2020 11:40 PM  friends i might actually have plans tomorrow and i'm excited. i miss going out and i miss my friends and i really, really miss ***. they came to see me yesterday & we went for a short drive just to catch up but we haven't gotten to really talk much lately and they kissed me before taking me home and i felt a little better about everything thats been going on lately but i just want to spend a few hours cuddled up with them and actually talk about how things have been between us.  speaking of which, i contacted ******* the other day for the first time in a few months. i don't know why i did it, but i'm glad i did because we're friends again. i know everyone else in the group is gonna f*ckin tear into me for messaging him again, but i feel like things are different now and we've definitely both moved on. i just wanted our friendship back. i'm lonely as f*ck here. i feel like i've lost a lot of friends lately and i'm trying so hard to maintain whatever friendships i can but i'm depressed as sh*t and it's hard. here's to hoping i don't lose ***. 0 Comments

06/30/2020 06:21 PM  self hatred i do not want to be a girl but i won't lie, i've never been able to feel "proud" of being trans. i'm proud of the trans community but i don't feel proud of myself. i don't want this. i don't want this dysphoria. if i could trade it all in an instant and be okay with being cis, i would. the only thing i'm proud of is how much bullsh*t i have faced because i'm trans and how i'm still here despite all that, but i shouldn't have had to go through it. i just want to be able to look at myself and love what i see instead of picking out every single thing that i want to change to make me more masculine. i hate that i feel like i shouldn't enjoy things like makeup or pink or stuffed animals or even certain types of music because it's "girly." i hate everything about myself rn. 0 Comments

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06/29/2020 02:55 PM  two thousand fourteen Current mood:  nostalgic i knew you before i knew myself. i knew your quirks and your freckles and your favorite shirt and the crystal necklace you always wear. i remember what bag you carried the day i fell in love with you. i remember the pink streak on the left side of your hair from when we were fourteen years old. i remember what clothes i wore when you asked me to come smoke with you and i said yes even though i had never smoked a cigarette before; i just wanted an excuse to be near you. i can remember the first time you hugged me. i can remember the second, third, and fourth time. i remember everything from two thousand fourteen, when i though i'd never have a chance with you. and i remember the first time you kissed me and how tense we were when i whispered, "do you know how long i've waited to do that?" and you stayed silent and i screamed "SIX F*CKING YEARS" and we laughed like it was still two thousand fourteen.  but i also remember the last conversation we had, when i begged you to be honest with me and tell me why you were treating me like that. i remember when you started lying to me. i remember the fear and the paranoia and the moment i realized you were gaslighting me. why are you back? why are you in my dreams again? i believed with my entire heart and soul that you were meant to be my forever. we planned the rest of our future together and you... you left. i should've kept all this sh*it in two thousand fourteen. 0 Comments

06/28/2020 09:54 PM  trans rights babey<3 my dad keeps referring to me only as "saph" and avoiding any pronouns since i came out. i was talking to both of my parents in the kitchen and my mom started to say something about me but my dad interrupted and my mom looked confused and said, "that's what i was about to say, that she-" and my dad went, "that's why i interrupted, to avoid that." i realized he was trying to interrupt her to prevent her from misgendering me lmao. but i was still kinda confused as to why my dad won't use any pronouns at all, and after a few minutes i asked if either of them will ever actually use he/him pronouns for me. they said they have to get out of the mindset of "she" first but they'll get use to it and i feel so relieved.  my parents have had some really transphobic idealogies before and i think they still do because they don't "understand" it, but maybe having a trans son will help them start to make sense of things. this is already major progress because i never, in my entire life, thought they would even TRY to accept me. i feel like i finally have a chance. someday, i really hope they'll call me their son. 0 Comments

06/28/2020 08:06 PM  you're on my mind again.. i hate myself for getting so attached to you. i never meant for this to happen. i know you can't truly be with me and i know whatever we have right now won't last but i crave every second i can possibly spend with you. i didn't think i would feel anything like this towards you at first... and then we laid on the hood of your car, smoking and staring at the sky and talking about....what did we talk about? i don't even remember. you had to carry me inside because i was too drunk and giggling through the hallway while i stumbled into your arms. it was one of the best nights of my life, and that was only the beginning. i didn't know feelings like this existed outside of movies and books and cheesy summer love songs. every night i've spent with you, i never want them to end and coming home alone feels like i'm crashing back down to earth from the high of my life. you're intoxicating. you're the love i've always dreamed of, but you don't even realize that i love you. its temporary. i know this is temporary, but i can't help wanting more. 0 Comments

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06/28/2020 02:45 PM  memories? Current mood:  depressed i fell in love on september 6th, 2014. i met him before that, and we never spoke. but thats the day i knew i was in love. i thought he was the prettiest person i'd ever seen in my life. over the years, we became best friends and we were inseperable. he walked me to class, held my hand, kept his arms around me, would stay late after school just to be with me, called me every night after he got off work. he meant the world to me and i think he knew i loved him but we never spoke about it. i graduated and time went by and we drifted but i still loved him. i had dreams about him regularly and sometimes we'd contact each other and find out we both had similar dreams about each other, strangely very often. at the end of last year, we became close again, and this time it got serious. we never even officially said we were dating, but he talked about us moving in together and having children and what our home would look like and what we would name our kids and how we would raise them and what we wanted for our future together. then he left me. suddenly, with no real warning. he just stopped speaking to me, left me on read when i asked what was wrong, ignored my calls, and eventually blocked me. the love of my life abandoned me. but recently he's unblocked me and he hasn't said anything to me. i don't understand what he's doing. i don't know why he unblocked me. i have a horrible urge to message him because i still feel like he's my soulmate but the way he left me.... he made me feel worthless. i just went back and read our old messages and i feel sick. what did i do to deserve that? 0 Comments

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