self hatred

i do not want to be a girl but i won't lie, i've never been able to feel "proud" of being trans. i'm proud of the trans community but i don't feel proud of myself. i don't want this. i don't want this dysphoria. if i could trade it all in an instant and be okay with being cis, i would. the only thing i'm proud of is how much bullsh*t i have faced because i'm trans and how i'm still here despite all that, but i shouldn't have had to go through it. i just want to be able to look at myself and love what i see instead of picking out every single thing that i want to change to make me more masculine. i hate that i feel like i shouldn't enjoy things like makeup or pink or stuffed animals or even certain types of music because it's "girly." i hate everything about myself rn.