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valentine's day is tomorrow, aka everyone's favorite coorperate invention ;) not trying to be that person who's "lonely on this day" btw; i've had the same ideology this whole time. oh who am i kidding? it would be really nice if someone held me rn LMAO. i used to think valentine's day was fun!! yk before i knew what love was. and now since i don't have it it's taking a toll on me. curse affection for being my love language (ew). remember when we were kids and eveyone was equally affectionate, giving out candy n cards to each other even if you didn't know them? i miss that!! that was the most wholesome day every year!! now i can't even give my friends hugs or flowers on this day without them being wack :( im not trying to get at you it's literally a holiday hello not everything is about you smh. i think it'll be good to spend valentine's day alone this year tho. like i said i didn't used to care about it until i started having a reason to celebrate the day with another person a couple years ago, so what makes this any different? do i miss being cared for? duh. but you know what? i can care for myself!! i really do want to turn this day into a positive instead of questioning if anyone cares about my existance and if im good enough for people. i have every other day to do that ;) i might update in a few days. or not who knows lol. peace. 

So my dad died a few days ago. I knew it would happen soon, but I did not expect it to happen this soon.He had deteriorated massively due to dementia. Still the same kind natured and friendly man he had always been, but he became more childlike and dependent. He was often confused and would wander into my room and ask if it was time for us to drive home yet. I would tell him we were already home and he would be surprised.It was difficult to take care for him and work full time, but I was determined not to put him in a home. He took care of me when I was a kid and did not abandon me, so there was no way I was going to abandon him.He had to go into hospital late last week and was due to come out later this week. I went in to visit him at the beginning of the week. I was able to have a chat with him and help him eat some dinner.Suddenly he collapsed right there on the spot, I called the nurse, who then called more nurses. While this was going on I held my dad's hand and looked into his eyes. He did not look scared or in pain. He looked peaceful, however he may have been unconcious. A nurse then said to me "I'm very sorry, he's passed away" My tears started flowing and I couldn't stop crying.They closed his eyes and sat his body up in bed and told me I could sit with it for as long as I wanted. I sat with my dad's body and called various family to notfiy them. It was very sad all around. Eventually, I realised I had to leave as there was nothing more I could do.Since then I have spent all week organising the funeral. I know that this is the natural order of life. People grow old, they die, for their grown children life just goes on and continues, but the pain is still raw for me.He was a great father and was also my best friend and now life will never be the same.

me and maggie made jello desserts today:) they came out really good, and maggie even flipped theirs out of the pan and made it look cool :0 mine got stuck lmao. it tasted good though. they showed me some toys they wanted, and they were pretty cute. were gonna make cheesecake together too! thatll be good, and cheesecake is really yummy. theres this one vid we watched with a cool recepie but it looks hard to make, cus theres jello and stuff on top. they showed me this nasty ass vid of a white lady making "table nachos" lol. maggie got these super cute cow family dolls from the store:) theyre adorable! we looked at these super cute dolls called calico critters. i wanna get maggie some. we looked around at old bk and other restaurants toys and promos and stuff. it was cool to see, but also kinda like wtf were getting scammed these days. also, me n maggie talked about how its kinda sad that kids dont really like toys anymore. and they showed me this awesome game called crazy taxi :0 and then a cool metal game with jack black in it called brutal legend! it looked awesome! they left for a bit and when they came back we played cod and did missions:) maggie got tired after a bit and we said goodnight and went to bed:)

rawr XD

is sucking d*ck gay????

Who the f*** does he think he is. Telling me to not do the sh*t again that I accidentally did. But look at him with his f***ing dumbass of a father quitting his job for no good f***ing reason. He can go suck a d*ck bitch. Judging me for accidentally not remembering to do my work when all this f***ass do is just sit his butt around all day. I swear I hate my parents. Please I bet they didn't even remember that my doctor's appointment is tomorrow. They only remember only if I remember. I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM. But if any issue involved my brother they would remember to do it as soon as possible. I know the only reason I was born is that they needed someone to do work around the house for them because their fat lazy butts couldn't do it themselves. I remember when dad wanted me to do chores at a young age and when I didn't do it right he would beat me constantly and constantly because I didn't f***ing know how to sweep the floors when I was F***ING 5 or 4 YEARS OLD!!. WHAT DID HE EXPECT TO HAPPEN BITCH! and when I still didn't know how to do it he just gave up and sent me to my room. I remember that memory so vividly, I almost want to cry right now. I remember he would drag me to his room to beat me because he didn't want to do it in front of my brother. My mom was at work those days, but that doesn't matter. He would beat me because I didn't know how to that chore at a young age. It still hurts to remember those horrible memories. -The only thing I need to do now is keeping up this sorry ass act until I graduate high school and go straight to college far away from this hellhole. And. When I graduate college and get my own place I'm never speaking to my parents again.

so uhh today i was talking with one of the discord servers im in, and it has mostly boys. theyre pretty chill, and not sexist racist or homophobic which is surprising but rly good :) ive never really caught anyone simping for me, and then one guy asked why, and another responded saying "is mari really a girl anymore?" idk why but that kinda upset me cuz like why cant i be girly and have boy friends? im super active on it and tend to make jokes that contain 18+ content osihfdosihfd (like h3nta1 n stuff) and also reference video game things and overall steriotypical things guys talk about ig? so maybe thats why they said that but idk i still dont feel very settled with it. also one of my good friends on discord completely ditched not just me but our entire server :( i tend to overshare a lot so maybe thats why? we werent just talking in the server, we were dming eachother which i guess is why I assumed we were actually freinds instead of just on the same server. he had a girl he wuz dating and i kinda gave relationship advice ig? and cheered him on but mostly made fun of him cuz my online persona is just agressive a**hole (but in a nice way yk?) idk i thought we were friends but then he just peaced out and i haven't seen him since. i never had any *romantic*  feelings for him and im preettttyyy sure he didn't have any for me? i thought he did at first cuz he asked for what girls want in boys, but turns out he just wanted to impress his crush (thats now his gf) but i feel kinda sad he left :( anyways other than that back to the topic (super lonely girl time) i rly havent had much happenings with the boys ahshaha so i guess ill list them: one guy asked me for my number when i was half asleep on the way back from a summer camp but at the time i didnt have a phone lol so i said no, and one kid may have asked me out onetime? idk he asked if i could go downtown with him and his friends downtown after school, but my moms strict and i didn't have a phone to ask her so i declined. yeah thats kinda it. i didnt have a phone for all of middle school so maybe that could've added to it. other than that there may be times where boys have flirted with me but my dumbass just didnt know . idk if yall wanna hear a lonely girl story time but hereeee yoouuuu go annyywwayyss :D So I had a crush on this guy who sat across the table from me in history class. He was a goof, and I thought he was nice. Oops. Before I had lent him a pen I really liked and spent a lot of money on. When he returned it, it was completely broken and had a part torn off. I wasn’t mad cuz I liked him ig. Then it was Valentine’s Day. We had a pop quiz in history, but we were allowed to work together with our table groups. I worked on it quietly at the beginning, but later we all started sharing answers. I was well prepared and kinda smart tbh. So my crush (who didn’t really pay much attention in class) asked me for a lot of answers. I submitted my test, got 100%, and announced it to my table group cuz i was a proud mf. Ig my heard it so he decided to fugging move over to my seat!! My heart was dykakyskyayla. :D He said “I’m gonna move over here cuz..... ur cool.” My friend who I told her I had a crush on him was at a different table group but was very close by me, and heard that, and overall saw what was going on. So she shot me little 🥴🥴 looks. Then my crush was kinda looking over my shoulder CLOSE TO ME KGSOTAOST. So uh yeah, hopeless romantic me was melting. My face was prolly 100 degrees. After class my friend was like “OMG HE LIKES U AHH” And I was kinda like “I KNOW I HOPE JGXJ” However, my dumbass didn’t realize that the entire time he just wanted the answers to the test. when he said “imma move over here cuz your.... cool” it meant “imma move over here cuz i want a good grade on the test” SO YEAH! Im kinda hopeless lol 

Honestly I've never really made a blog post so I'm not really sure what to put here, but guess I'll just rambleDon't you just love having a 4 day weekend? It feels better than having just 2 days to do whatever you want before school/work starts backit's like "oh sh*t, I only have saturday and sunday what am I gonna do how do I fit this all into 2 days"but now it's like.. man I don't have to worry about wasting time. I can just relax and vibe and do what I wantI'd like to pretend it's 2010 instead of 2021, wouldn't you

huhhh so school physically starts next monday and welp i havent done tonss of work and stuff but hey at least i had my break ig lol so uhm i have to get ready for school ahhhh-OH AND, to the ppl who's school also opens soon i wish u luck!!1!! dont forget to be kind to urself and take care ♥333

english is literally so boring... i want this day to be over alreadyon a different note i just want a cute emo boyfriend

update: the cds came! i cant wait to go and listen to them!

not my vomiting in thee bathroom sink at 5am cuz i decided to drink all the vodka i had left lol

help i am so h how do i make the text pink

when i go to sleep i wish it were really you that i saw before me, but it never is. i always open my eyes and I’m back in my bedroom that’s betrayed me a thousand times before. and now i know it's not possible for a little while longer.  a few hours ago i thought it were only two days i had to wait. now i know how quickly things can change. i wish things got easier. it feels like they never do. all i want is one more day, frozen in time, where you're wearing my red glasses, and telling me how different the world seems, like i had never thought to take a look through them before (in my heart, i think i was wearing them too). and sometimes when i’m at work they’ll play a troye sivan song, and the lyrics always remind me of you.  i would give anything for a day where we can just be together again. it really feels dumb to say i miss you, especially knowing its been just over a week. but god, does it feel like a lifetime. especially with these thoughts i’ve been holding. I think about you every slow and unrelenting day. and you're always busy and im always busy but i'll always sneak the time in for you. always.

Holy fudge I can't believe I just convinced my VERY religious parents to let me buy an MCR sweatshirt omg. It took me like 19 minutes of panicking to finally get the courage to ask them buT thEy SAiD YeS. and then my dad looked up MCR and he was a little bit concerned that I was listening to satanic music because ofc the first pic to pop up had to be Gee holding a bible.. but I still convinced them :DDD