when you give a melodramtic girl with depression a blog
Current mood:  drained

its almost 3 pm and i am still in bed. nothing new. t's been months since i have done this. since i have felt like this. I almost forgot what it felt like. the numbness, the inability to speak, its like a dull filter has been placed over my eyes. i was making progress too. keeping my room clean, making my bed every day. i can look around right now and just see all of my clutter and trash. makes me feel worse looking at it, yet nothing sparks the motivation to do anything about it. its almost like i enjoy it. theres some kind of comfort in feeling so alone, i think. nothing but me and my thoughts. last night i found his account on a dating app. granted, i was on there too, its been over a month and a half since we broke up. or correction i broke up with him. but it still felt strange seeing him advertise himself like that. f*** he even used a picture of him with my cat, like what the f***. I am not over him i dont think. not in the sense that i think we should still be together, but more like i still think about him. we just weren't good for eachother. weren't working, and its okay, but its sad. some twisted part of my brain keeps thinking "what if i just broke up with him cause im having an episode". cause i do that. i have a tendency of ruining good things for myself because i start thinking differently. i knew it was starting up too. i started falling back into old, unhealthy, habits. and i am completely aware of what im doing too, but its like i loose the ability to stop myself. just do and not think. like ive taken the back seat in my mind. ive been distracting myself from my complete and utter loneliness by using anything i can. from people to substances. i feel so lost. and if someone happens to be reading this dont be worried, im okay, sort of, but i am sane for the most part. im just lonely honestly. my friends have been busy and even if i am surrounded by them. i still feel lonely. it doesnt matter how many people can be in front of me, giving me direct attention, i will always still feel lonely, still feel this hollowness inside of me. i think i was just born that way, defective in the emotional aspect.