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This Isn't Romantic I Promise You. Its Just My RSD.
Current mood:
 contemplative
You know I don't really know what I did to you or what I did to deserve it. Maybe it was because I was too overbearing with what I loved or maybe it was because I kept wanting to hangout. Maybe I was being too pushy. Maybe it's because I tried so hard for you to get try to like me, Just a smidge after a switch flipped in you that I had no idea how to turn off. I have no clue. I thought that we were okay and that you didn't absolutely hate my guts. You always did say some things that were a bit mean to me but nothing too bad. That night you did that though broke me and I have no clue why. All it was was you being kind of a jerk with a friend. But it felt like someone putting all my emotions in a blender and letting it pour out through slits in my arms and the tiny holes along the rim of my eyes. I tried clogging them with tissues and makeup but it caused styes and infections to grow that made it hurt even more. It hurt even more the next day when I saw you and it made me want to fly two sedatives deep when all of our connecting friends would talk to me. This isn't about being in love with someone, this wasn't romantic but if you see this you know who are and you know who you hurt, you just don't know how. My older sibling still doesn't trust you and I'm not even sure if I do now. I feel like I can't even talk about something my favorite band did without feeling like I'm going to scare them off by being too annoying, or too loud about them. I feel like I can't text someone back or ask someone for help without them telling me to f*** off. I'm too scared to talk to anyone or trying to talk with an old friend without them thinking I was totally weird. I can't tell if something I do is strange or normal and I get so caught up thinking about how I'm acting and how I look and if I'm being overbearing to even listen to what they are saying. You make me overanalyze what I do and how I sound and how I act. I feel like if someone asked me if it was day or night I would think about it too hard and end up saying it's midnight during the mid-day. I feel like whenever someone says that I a good friend or a 'loveable person' that they're just saying that to make me feel better about all of the people who think I would be better off six feet under or muffled with duck tape and shoved in a lake. I don't know how to feel about you at this point. Maybe you really have changed and you are a good person or maybe it was the guilt that corroded away at your mind the way that steel does with lemon juice until you apologized to let you feel a sense of relief. I don't know why I said "okay come back into my life I'm ready for you." I wasn't. Maybe it was because I felt bad or maybe it was because I thought you really had changed. I don't know at this point. You'll never see this anyway so it doesn't matter.-xo crow
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depressed
unhappy
headphones
aggravated
happy
froggy