08/30/2020 03:09 AM  Good news! Current mood:  relieved My girlfriend isn't dead and she's still hot af 😎✌️ 0 Comments

08/29/2020 04:47 PM  Last Day Current mood:  anxious Today should be the last day without Gabby. She has been gone for 13 nights already, with tonight being the 14th, and they said that they only keep them out for two weeks maximum, so... If she doesn't return tomorrow I'm going to be seriously worried.  I've missed her so much, and every passing day I'm getting more worried about her safety. I'll be waiting anxiously all day tomorrow, but I daren't be excited about her coming back, in case it doesn't happen... The disappointment would be soul-crushing. If anything were to happen to her out there I'd never be notified, and there's a chance that even chasing up for answers I may never find out...  0 Comments

08/27/2020 03:03 PM  Having a bad day Current mood:  sad Having a bad day. I miss Gabby so much.  1 Comments

08/23/2020 03:05 AM  One week in Current mood:  lonely It's very peculiar. The first day or two without Gabby were the hardest . I'd almost become afeared of it getting easier over time, because it is almost like admitting that I can live without her... I can happily point out that that isn't the case. I certainly can't live the same way without her. It would be similar, but everything would be more sad and feel less exciting or worthwhile, and I would have lost a best friend to trust and confide in and tell about my days. So... On the surface it would be very similar, but it would feel horrible. I would still be living, but it would be a different life. One I don't want. Regardless! Being temporarily detached from my soulmate had gotten easier in days three and four. I knew she wasn't around, and that I had to deal, so occupied my mind with other things. Since then, though, things have become more difficult... The hope is really what crushes everything. I now know that any day at any time, Gabby could come back. I check at least once an hour while I wake... She's yet to return. This consistent crushing of hope has turned ignorance into pain. I feel that she could be back, and she should be back any day now... But she isn't, and it hurts. I can't switch my brain off and be resigned to the inevitable, because there is no inevitable. There's only uncertainty. This in turn engenders more uncertainty; is she safe, are the fires out, will she be back today, will she be back tomorrow, will she be back at all, will I ever find out what happened if she doesn't return, is she having a nice time, what is she doing on a daily basis now, who is she with, how is she sleeping, how is she sleeping, does she know I'm thinking of her, is she thinking of me, does she still love me, is she worrying about all the same things I'm worrying about, is she busy or does she have time to overthink too... I take knowing the answers to most all of these questions all the time for granted. Having that knowledge taken from you hurts, it feels like the universe is driving a wedge between us, trying to damage and lessen our connection, trying to force us into separate lives after we fought so hard to have them entwined together... The uncertainty is anxiety inducing, and the loneliness is maddening. I love you, Gabby. I hope you're having a great time, loving your work, and staying safe. I'll see you soon x 0 Comments

08/17/2020 10:35 PM  Emptiness and appreciation Current mood:  morose Had I written this blog post yesterday, it would have been intensely bleak. It's almost a shame I didn't, as it would have provided a truer reflection of my melodramatic reaction to basic separation to contrast the reality of my experience with at a later date. That said, I'm still feeling rather down and apprehensive, so maybe this will come off suitably pitiable regardless. I had been very nervous about my girlfriend (likely the only person who will read this) joining the California Conservation Corps, and how her intensive new regime would impact on our ability to transatlantically communicate - as if the eight hour time difference wasn't sufficient in and of itself. However, throughout her training week we spoke every day, with video calls most days, and I had been feeling much better about the situation. She finished the training week, passing with accolades and special recognition (which though she downplayed she ought to have been proud of, as I am of her), and we were then able to think about how we'd easily continue as we had been given her being put on a 4 days on, 3 days off schedule. At this point I was feeling really quite contented with the new reality, but disquieting news fell upon me on the Saturday, in the form of her being called up as a member of the first 10 people who would have to go out to tend to a fire on a camping drill. This was to last anywhere from 4-14 days and nights, she would have no signal or way of reaching me whatsoever, and she was to leave at 6:30am sharp the following morning (2:30pm in my local time). She managed to divulge this information in quick bursts while busy frantically packing, having just learned that her first weekend off and transition to a permanent dorm room had suddenly become a frenetic challenge to pack all essential and find out everything she required and how much of anything could he brought, etc. This effectively meant that, aside from learning that she was unable to sleep well through the night (due to the majority of people rigorously enjoying their first weekend off duty), I had no communication from her between finding out that she was going, and knowing that she had most definitely left. I didn't get chance to say goodbye, nor (I assume) did she.  I'm now in the second day without her around, little things have bothered me. My sleep schedule is still very much delayed, and the lack of company in the nighttime hours is extremely conspicuous, given that every moment would previously have been taken up with talking to her, and sharing things I'm doing with her, and catching up on each of our days. Our extremely long snap streak has unceremoniously ended. The only friend of hers I know well is currently refusing to speak to most anyone, so I don't really have any contact with anyone who knows her. To all intents and purposes, she has been completely removed from my life at a moment's notice, and now only exists in my thoughts.  I feel extremely lonely. I'm struggling to see the point in doing most anything, as I'd previously only really been getting any recognition or approval from her, and now she's gone. I have far too much free time due to extremely slow business from the ongoing worldwide pandemic. This is giving me too much time to think, and my thoughts are naturally inclining to the catastrophic (though less so today than they were yesterday, so hopefully that trend continues). A temporary distance wouldn't usually bother me so much, a very consistent 5,200 miles doesn't get in the way. Knowing when she was going to be back would make things much easier. Having said goodbye would make things feel less uncomfortable. Knowing she is happy and safe, and not just having to assume so would make me feel less worrisome. In a way it's technically possible that she hasn't left to camp at all, though even I'm not quite mental enough to entertain that as an irrational anxiety - I'm 100% sure that she hasn't lied, and that what has happened has happened. My love for and trust in her is the only thing keeping me going.  The real crux of my anxiety, though, is that the last time she left so suddenly, she had never intended to return. It was months before she did. I really can't face that again, and the uncertainty is dangerously destructive. Despite knowing that in all likelihood she was just too busy to talk before she left, and didn't intend to disappear so unceremoniously, part of me can't shake the potential that she has left so suddenly to keep the option of never returning open, though I'm aware that is astronomically unlikely, and so irrational as to be almost offensive in regards to her character and intentions - she wouldn't ever do that now, both our and her situations are very different. Nothing stops me feeling this loneliness, though. No amount of reasoning and rationality, or being sure that she's safe and well, and returning soon, or knowing that she's probably missing me too, and I'm in her prayers at night. Not knowing for certain and having all this time to overthink is really affecting my mood. Yesterday I just felt horrible the entire day. Today I'm beginning to realise that this loss and emptiness I'm feeling really just speaks to the depth of our love and affection, and that in most ways I'm privileged to be able to even feel this way, because not only does it mean that I had something beautiful and worth appreciating for as long as it could possibly last, but also because it's only in my anxious morose that I have actually lost anything on any permanent basis, and in all likelihood I will have all of that beauty and happiness back in my life, returning along with her. All I can do is cross my fingers, think about the depth of our love, and continue to believe that every new day now brings me closer to her arrival back to me.  0 Comments

07/14/2020 03:40 AM  On delayed sleep phase Current mood:  listless It's currently 3:40am, I've been awake all of 15 hours or so, and I feel no compulsion to retire in the least. This has been true of most nights for me since finishing schooling - the difference being that during schooling I'd presently be panicking about how little sleep I'd be able to achieve before waking at 6:30am,  how infuriating I am going to be when needing to be awakened anywhere from three to five times before truly being awake, and how horrific I would be feeling for the next school day. I have chosen a career in which I can work through the night, which really has helped stave off the mindless boredom that being awake from 11pm - 6am brings along with it. However, I do work from home, and so could just as easily be working through the day, perhaps even more easily, as emails and business calls often fall on deaf ears after 5pm. As such, I've yet to escape the stigma that comes along with keeping unsociable hours...  If a tree falls, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Likewise, if an individual works and nobody is around to witness it, did they really do anything of value? Well, obviously so, but more to the point; if others are working and one is seen to be sleeping through the majority of the working day, does one appear lazy? Of course. Can anyone really trust that someone so apparently slothful is really working as hard as they say? Not so easily. Are people likely to believe that anyone who is still asleep at 1pm is really making a genuine effort to be a functioning member of society and maintain a healthy sleep cycle? Surely not.  Choosing between having healthy sleep and being perceived to have healthy sleep is more difficult than one might imagine. Having healthy sleep in a vacuum is the obvious choice; feeling more alert, more creative, less lethargic, and less depressed just makes sense. In the real world, however, being asleep through the majority of the opening times of most stores and services, missing all opportunities to indulge in any outdoor pursuits where early starts are all but necessary, and having meal times offset by multiple hours causes problems. Namely: being indoors all day, missing breakfast most days, eating the main (and often only) meal of the day three hours after waking and eleven hours before sleeping, being stigmatised for having an unnatural circadian rhythm, arguing in circles about the futility of depriving oneself of sleep in order to "return to a normal sleep schedule". Often, the easiest thing is to take the discomfort of getting 4 hours of sleep each night just to avoid the upset that getting a full compliment would cause, despite the fact that it won't correct one's sleep time for the following night in the slightest.  Solitude is also an issue. Even on the days where one is able to wake of a morning, the seven or so hours after everyone in the vicinity has fallen asleep can feel relatively lonely. This has been mitigated for myself personally in recent months, having been graced by a dedicated and kind-hearted Californian girlfriend, whose body clock works, but whose actual clock reads eight hours behind that of my own, meaning that we generally have a very similar sleep/wake cycle, with my own being usually an hour or two advanced of hers. I've been blessed in that regard, though some anxiety prevails with regards to her upcoming commitments meaning that for 8 days on and 8 days off she will be fluctuating between being available and completely unavailable during my loneliest hours; and will most certainly have to dedicate some time off to those she loves locally more intensely than she has been of late. I do not begrudge this, but I feel it would be folly not to be cognisant of the upcoming transition. It must be noted that I do not struggle with sleep. I sleep, in fact, extremely heavily, and most mornings have uninterrupted and restful sleep. I in no way feel as though I'm afflicted by insomnia or sleep apnoea. I often sleep too well, and find myself waking three hours after I'd intended, having slept through multiple alarms. This obviously doesn't help exude an "I'm not lazy, honest" image.  I feel almost cursed to have my most creative hours while everyone is sleeping. Examples of things I've done over the past few weeks (excluding menial work) between the hours of midnight to 5am include: - Refinishing 4 shotgun stocks and for ends with oil - Restoring the action of a 130 year old shotgun, and fixing the ejection system  - Restoring an antique sword ​​​- Polishing a metric f*** ton of brass - Building an R/C drift car - Cutting and painting two R/C bodyshells - Leather covering a recoil pad - Designing and prototyping electric guitar pickups - Learning multiple songs on guitar Et cetera.  None of this goes necessarily recognised, the hours put into all of these things, as well as those hours put into my work, would be somehow more valuable if they were put in while the sun was out.  ​​​​​ I wish I were able to have a different circadian rhythm. No amount of soporific meditation or clinical medication can provide any lasting fix.  It took me fifty minutes to write this on my phone, so I feel I should point out that any examples given above were done in a more timely manner than this excessive blog post.  0 Comments

07/13/2020 05:25 AM  Regarding doxxing by sacrament Current mood:  infuriated If God is so f***ing great, why does He let people do His work when He literally knows they are completely f***ing useless and not to be trusted? Makes you wonder. Unrelated note, would anyone like to see a picture of my girlfriend that was taken without her knowledge at her baptism and then put on YouTube without her consent?  1 Comments

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