06/27/2020 07:37 PM  my albums of the year so far Current mood:  blah were a little over halfway through the year, and its the first year in a while ive had actual albums of the year! why not celebrate with a little blog post giving shoutouts to my very obvious aoty 2020 picks? in no particular order, here are my three favorite albums so far: peaceful as hell - black dresses i found black dresses a little less than a year ago and became pretty obsessed with them pretty quick. their releases wasteisolation and love and affection for stupid little bitches were constant companions. but this album takes everything i love about both of those records, mixes them together, and goes even further! its as loud and noisy as wasteisolation and as poppy and catchy as love and affection. its easily their best release for me and brought the group to all new heights... only for them to break up shortly after. ill never forgive the internet for what they did to devi. :( luckily, we still have their solo careers and their many pseudonyms (check out crap sh*t by girls rituals and 2020 knives by ada rook for more 2020 albums by these ladies!) and they still put out one of the best albums of the year. standout tracks: damage suppressor, sharp halo, creep u fetch the bolt cutters - fiona apple ...obviously. im not new to fiona, having dabbled in listening to her earlier work every once in a while over the past couple years. i always loved her as a person and respected her as an artist but didnt ever connect so much with her music. until fetch the bolt cutters. when this record dropped it received a lot of attention since it was her first release in 8 years and it got a perfect 10 on p4k, the first ten in a decade. then, fantano gave it a 7, and i saw endless discussions sparked about the role that journalism plays in our opinions on media. but who cares about all that? this album is fantastic. it resonates deeply with me because of the lyrical themes, which cover bullying and abuse with fionas usual poetic yet raw touch. she bangs on household objects, lets her dogs join her in singing, and sometimes eschews melody entirely -- and i love it. it also inspired me to go through the rest of her catalogue and i can now say with certainty that the album that precedes this one is now among my favorites of all time. standout tracks: i want you to love me, fetch the bolt cutters, for her how im feeling now - charli xcx if the other albums listed here are a bit too challenging, charli is here to save this year for you. i like some tracks by her such as vroom vroom and gone, but most of her catalogue was always a bit too bland for me. not anymore! she goes full hyper pop on this release, even inviting dylan brady of 100 gecs to produce *cough* the two best songs on the record. i was hyped for this project as soon as i heard claws, which is just so sugary sweet and glittery that i couldnt stop listening to it. it sounds like how cherry lipgloss tastes. i want this song to play every time i walk into a room. put this record on and have a dance party by yourself in your bedroom now. standout tracks: pink diamond, claws, anthems honorable mentions i havent heard lovetheism by haru nemuri yet, but, uhhh, i like her and shes a cool lady. im sure this record is great just like her previous effort, haru to shura! bright eyes' down in the weeds where the world once was isnt even out yet but its f***ing new bright eyes. come on. just the fact that theyre back is so magical. i hope you got a little something out of this post even though most of you probably already listened to all of these releases! but hey, maybe ill come back in december with some more music and we can chat again then. :) 0 Comments

04/27/2020 01:25 PM  mcr fan survey! Current mood:  blah How long have you been a fan? around 7 years! Who's your favorite member?  usually gerard, sometimes frank. haha. If you could go back in time to any my chem show, which would it be? any prorev show :] Favorite album?  dont ask me that... their first three are all tied for me. it changes from day to day. at the current moment, its three cheers. Favorite lyric?  either "this hole you put me in wasnt deep enough, and im coming out right now" or "do or die, youll never make me / because the world will never take my heart / go and try, youll never break me" OR of course "i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to walk this world alone" Have you watched every mcr funny moments on youtube? maybe not every one, but i used to watch them on occasion in the early days of my fandom. >_> Favorite solo project? frnkiero andthe cellabration. Favorite Music Video? helena. Do you have a killjoy name? i think i used to, but i cant remember it. Have you seen them live? i will in september. ♥ Favorite Life on the Murder Scene moment? the part where they talk about the smiths... haha. Favorite piece of mcr merch you own? the camo shirt that says "give em hell kid!!" What one piece of mcr merch do you dream of having? i cant think of anything i really dream of having! im really craving some more rubber bracelets, if anything, haha. Do you/Did you dress up like revenge mcr in public, not for a party, but just,,just because? i have dressed up in outfits inspired by the era, yes. Were you one of the California 2019 Comeback conspiracy theorists? obviously. When was the last time you showered? earlier tonight, but in middle school when i wanted to BE gerard i used to shower once a week at most... What's your favorite thing about being an mcr fan? its just. so cool. like, liking mcr is just cool, and it will always be cool. its cool to unapologetically like a band that other people have sh*t on for no reason and that is so important and sincere anyway. and its a symbol of so much. and its almost rare to see people who still like mcr, especially if they havent been a fan for a really long time. You get to choose their 10 song set list:  helena - give em hell kid - im not okay - this is how i disappear - its not a fashion statement its a f***ing deathwish - headfirst for halos - our lady of sorrows - honey this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us - skylines and turnstiles - welcome to the black parade 0 Comments

04/23/2020 11:03 PM  loooong survey Current mood:  bored 1. Last beverage: just water 2. Last phone call: my friend chris 3. Last song you listened to: currently listening to the quiet things that no one ever knows by brand new 4. Last time you cried: umm i honestly dont know maybe when i got released from the hospital haha 5. Have you dated someone twice: ive barely ever dated anyone once let alone twice 6. Have you ever been cheated on: nope 7. Kissed someone & regretted it: never kissed anyone 8. Have you lost someone special: of course 9. What are your three favorite colors: midnight, shadow, and ebony 10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: ive barely gone outside! 11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: no haha ive never met any of you 12. How many kids do you want: uh probably none 13. Do you want any pets?: many cats 14. Do you want to change your name: ive changed it already socially, i suppose it would be nice to do it legally 15. What did you do for your last birthday: cuddled with my friend adrian 16. What time did you wake up today: like 12:30 17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: this semester to be over 18. Last time you saw your mother: like 10 minutes ago 19. Most visited webpage: probably tumblr 20. Nicknames: cyr or eli 21. Relationship status: taken 22. Zodiac sign: pisces 23. Male or female: nope! 24. Height: 5'4" 25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend... haha 26. Piercings: my right earlobe. thats it. used to have my nostril done though haha 27. Tattoos: none, but a fun fact is that my friends and i were gonna do stick n pokes last time we hung out but we got too high and decided it was a bad idea. :p 28. Strong or Weak: weak as sh*t FIRSTS 29. First surgery: none 30. First best friend: my old neighbor valerie 31. First sport you joined: none, haha 32. First vacation: first one i remember was going to yellowstone 33. First school: south daytona elementary 34. First pair of trainers: the ones that stick out in my mind are the glittery pink converse i had in about second grade, though im sure i had some before that WHICH IS BETTER 35. Lips or eyes: hmm, probably lips, but it depends on the person 36. Hugs or kisses: never been kissed so hugs 37. Shorter or taller: i dont really have a height preference (ive liked a guy who was 5'5 and one who was like 6'2 haha) but taller is usually a plus, and im really short, so... taller 38. Older or younger: older but not by too much 39. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous IS romantic 40. Sensitive or loud: sensitive 41. Hook-up or relationship: relationship. i dont think id ever have a hook-up 42. Shy or outgoing: i like shy people but ya gotta be more outgoing than me so you can order my food for me HAVE YOU EVER 43. Kissed a stranger: no 44. Gotten a speeding ticket: never even driven on a real road 45. Lost glasses/contacts: i usually lose them every single day for at least 10 minutes but ive never fully lost them 46. Sex on first date: no 47. Broken someone's heart: yeahhh 48. Been arrested: no lol 49. Have you turned someone down: mhm 50. Fallen for a friend: yup. always a mistake 51. Moved out of town: no but i will soon BELIEVE IN 52. Miracles: no 53. Love at first sight: no, but you can 'click' with some people 54. Heaven: i hope 55. Santa Claus: i wish 56. Kiss on the first date: dunno, i probably wouldnt, but im sort of a prude until you know me well i guess 57. Angels: metaphorically 58. Yourself: only once ive taken my meds ANSWER TRUTHFULLY 59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: never will 60. Been in love with someone you couldn't be with?: yes 61. Ever cheated on somebody: never will x2 62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: id like to have been born, like, 1986-1990 or something, i guess. but just for a visit id probably go to a bunch of concerts between the years of 1970 and 2015 haha 63. Are you afraid of falling in love: yes 64. Was your last relationship a mistake: honestly i dont even count anything ive been involved in as relationships. but no matter which it is, yes 65. Do you miss your last relationship?: nope 66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?: kmart 67. Have you ever been depressed?: diagnosed baby 68. Are you insecure?: of course 69. How do you want to die?: not at all 70. Do you bite your nails?: no, my lips 71. When was your last physical fight?: never 72. Do you have an attitude?: i dont think so 73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?: twirl it 74. Do you tan a lot?: i mean i dont do it on purpose as in laying out in the sun but if i spend time outside i get tan, yeah, and i think i look nice tan 75. Ever eaten food in a car while somene or you are driving?: err yeah 76. Ever made out in a bathroom?: no 77. Would you take any of your exes back?: no 78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?: depends on what that implies, like for a visit or to redo things 79. What are your plans for this weekend?: play animal crossing 80. Do you type fast?: yes 81. Can you spell well?: yes 82. What are you craving right now?: hugs 83. Have you ever been on a horse?: yes, theyre f***ing scary 84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?: i live with my mom dont i? 85. What’s irritating you right now?: sitting for too long makes your butt hurt 86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?: yes 87. Does somebody love you?: i hope so 88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car?: kinda fun story, ive changed in multiple ubers on the way to shows from school dances or band performances 89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?: dark lol 90. Do you have trust issues?: heavy yes 91. Longest relationship?: "6 months" 92. Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?: no, the last person i officially "dated" was 4 years ago 93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs?: i did it today 94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?: no. 95. Did you have dream last night?: yes 96. Have you ever been out of state?: yes 97. Do you play the Wii?: no 98. Do you like Chinese food?: more of a thai fan myself 99. Are you afraid of the dark?: not really 100. Is cheating ever okay?: nope 101. What year has been your best?: theyve all been pretty grim 102. Do you believe in true love?: i mean, yes, but it can never be perfect 103. Favorite weather?: not too hot not too cold not too windy ya know, or cool rain 104. Do you like the snow?: it doesnt snow where i live so i like it when i travel and see it 105. Do you like the outside?: yes 106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?: it drives me insane (in a good way) 107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?: no 108. What makes you happy?: my dog 109. Ever been to Alaska?: no 110. Ever been to Hawaii?: no 111. Do you watch the news?: not anymore 112. Do you love MTV?: no 113. Do you like subway?: its fine 114. Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?: again, never kissed anyone 115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?: ugh sex and gender is so overrated. if my best friend liked me id say lets get married at age 30 if were both single 116. Why did you decide to do this quiz?: i like reminding everyone that im a kissless virgin 117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?: of course 118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?: yeah, im not a weirdo 119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?: f*** off im trans 120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?: kmart 121. Ever bought condoms?: no 122. Ever gotten pregnant?: only in my nightmares 123. Have you ever slipped on ice?: no 124. Have you ever missed the bus?: yes, when i rode the bus in middle school, but it was usually on purpose 125. Have you left the house without money?: i usually do, im broke 126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes?: yes 127. Have you ever smoked a cigar?: no 128. Did you ever drink alcohol?: yes but im not a fan 129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?: of course 130. Have you ever been overweight?: yes 131. Ever been to a wedding?: a few 132. Ever been in a wedding?: as a flower girl or ringbearer yes 133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: most days 134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?: i mean, probably at some point, but im not a big fan of tv 135. Ever kissed in the rain?: no 136. Did you ever shower with someone else?: my mom when i was a kid i guess haha 137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?: no, and ive never passed one either 138. Ever been outside your home country?: yes 139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?: yes 140. Ever been to a professional sports game?: yes 141. Have you ever broken a bone?: four or five in my foot 142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life?: no 143. Ever get engaged?: no 144. Have you ever been on a diet?: lol. 145. Have you ever been on TV?: not as far as i know... haha 146. Ever ridden in a taxi?: yes 147. Ever been to prom?: no, wasnt planning to, and now i certainly never will 148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more?: 38 or so is my record i think 149. Have you ever been to a concert?: yup, plenty 150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work?: ive never had a job because im too shy 151. Have you ever been in a car accident?: not a serious one 152. Ever had braces?: too poor for dental care 153. Did you ever learn another language?: sí, entiendo español al nivel de un estudiante jaja... estaba en clases por cuatro años y recibí la nota más alta en mi examen 154. Do you wear make-up?: just eyeliner, maybe some eyeshadow or lipgloss if im feeling crazy 155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out?: no 156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself?: no 157. Ever dyed your hair?: yes 158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes?: i dont think so but im not positive 159. Ever ridden in an ambulance?: no 160. Ever ridden in a helicopter?: no 161. Ever caught the stove on fire?: no... 162. Ever meet someone famous?: ive talked to some cool musicians online thats about it haha 163. Ever been on an airplane?: yes 164. Ever been on a boat?: yes 165. Ever broken something expensive?: yes 166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14?: no 167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?: probably a $20 or something that took a while 0 Comments

03/29/2020 04:35 PM  life on the inside Current mood:  contemplative on january 27th, i was admitted into the psych ward. on january 30th, i was discharged. i think it was a very good experience overall. i wanted to write my experience out soon after my release, but i was a bit too exhausted back then, so i guess ill recount it now. i went to therapy that monday night and my mood was apathetic. i was smiling lamely the whole time while telling my therapist that i was suicidal and had given up talking with friends. she became very concerned, though i kept smiling, uncomprehending. she asked to call my mom and i allowed her to. she told my mom i would need to go to the hospital. my mom suggested doing it tomorrow morning, and she said that, unfortunately, i would have to go now. if i didnt, the police would be called. i messaged two friends that i would probably be admitted to the mental hospital soon and turned on some merchant ships for the ride over. i cried a bit and my mom seemed very annoyed. she told me i needed to watch my mouth. we arrived at the hospital. some formalities went by before we entered a room with a very kind social worker of some sort. i kept fairly quiet at first, answering questions with 'yes' 'no' and 'i said i was suicidal.' he put me at ease very quickly though. once hed gotten my guard down, he kept asking questions. i was asked about drug use (i said none -- do they really need to know i occasionally enjoy smoking a nearly harmless plant?), sexual history (genuinely nonexistent), and history of self-harm (extensive). my mom was present the whole time, and she was very surprised by the last one. after some forms were filled out and more questions were answered, some nurses came into the room. it had been probably an hour or even more since id entered the hospital. at this point i was still unsure if i was actually being admitted, but the nurses asked me to hand my electronics, jewelry, and other such belongings to my mother. i did so and i gave her a hug. she told me shed see me soon. i followed the nurses out. they brought me to some sort of examination room, i guess -- i havent been to a regular doctor in years, so im a bit unfamiliar. they weighed me and then asked me to remove my shoes. i did. then they strip-searched me. they held a sheet up to cover my chest and such, but it was still uncomfortable. i had to crouch down so they could make sure i wasnt hiding anything in any cavities. they marked down that i was free of marks on most of my body, but when they got to my left thigh, the woman searching me sounded a bit dismayed and shocked when she reported that i had many, many scars there. i thought for a moment about the fact that i had enough scars to make psych ward workers nervous. finally i put my clothes back on, though they kept my shoes and replaced them with some light blue psych ward socks. i quickly thought back to the meme i had seen about "crazy socks" that i didnt understand. i understood. they told me the rules of the ward while they escorted me there. no sharing information, because i wasnt there to get a boyfriend -- or a girlfriend, added one of the nurses. i thought it was nice that they were inclusive. i entered the ward and... there i was. i was in a mental hospital. some kids were talking quietly at the table. i sat in a chair and stared blankly ahead for a while. the nighttime nurse, or whatever that job is that watches the kids and takes their blood pressure and stuff -- he came over and had me fill out yet more papers. this time it was about my triggers and coping skills. he took my temperature, pulse, and blood pressure. at the beginning of this trip, i had nearly a phobia of having my blood pressure taken. by the end it only slightly bothered me. snacks were given out. graham crackers! so many graham crackers. i ate feebly and they turned on chronicles of narnia. my mom called. i told her i was fine and i needed daryn to do my daily petsite games. then we went to nighttime group, which isnt really group therapy or anything. we just discussed what we learned that day and what our goal was for the next day. the doctor was a stern but kind man. to be honest, ive already forgotten the names of most of the staff i met, but almost all of them were lovely. i was a new face, so he asked why i was there, of course. i responded bluntly that i was suicidal. after group, i went to bed. i had a roommate named cheryl. she was somewhat of a psych ward regular so shed already adjusted to the place. most people are very shell-shocked when they enter, either crying a lot or sitting and staring into space. i was the latter. i was just going over the events that had gotten me there, and i still wasnt sure i really needed to be there. i somewhat regretted being admitted. i knew id be missing way too much work at school and my best friends 18th birthday was tomorrow. cheryl had only gotten there a few hours before i did and was already talking to everyone, asking for sleep and headache meds, and joking around with the nurses. she was an anxious type, i guess, but she seemed comfortable in the ward. she reported her headache at a pain level of 8 and it took her the entire stay to read less than a full diary of a wimpy kid book. some of the other kids i met when i was there: rayvn, a girl who had some sort of family problem. i think shed run away or been caught selling drugs or something and thats why she was there. she was trying to get put in a childrens home, and when i got there shed been stuck in the ward for almost a week. most of us were very depressed or otherwise troubled, and i know rayvn had her own problems, but she was upbeat, funny, and outgoing regardless. she was our dj when it was time to go outside and listen to music, our dealer for uno, and a great friend. i didnt learn much about her, maybe because shed already gone through a lot of therapy and all before i arrived and now spent most group sessions being snarky or talking about smoking weed. she was on supervision meaning she sat in the hallway apart from all of us except for at meals and during activities. i miss her. angela had also been there a few days when i got there, i think. she had curly hair and was extremely quiet during group, answering monosyllabically. she didnt talk much between activities either. i got to know her during meals on my first full day. she was friends with rayvn. theyd already developed a pretty strong rapport and would playfully make fun of each other. she also seemed to be there for some kind of family problem. i think she left to go to a different childrens home a few days after i got out. she wasnt afraid to tell the staff to shut up when they crossed a line. cailin was a girl who had spent a few nights in the er before being moved to the ward. she had cut her forearms a lot, at least 30 horizontal slices on each one. she arrived while i was in bed the first night. i learned a lot more about her because she got targeted in group one day, just before i was also targeted… haha. she and her mom had had a lot of issues. the others were more periphery figures, and ive already forgotten a lot of their names. there was a schizophrenic boy who paced a lot and talked to himself in different voices. a girl came in the same night as cailin and when we had to discuss what were grateful for in group she listed her beautiful smile, her face, her body, her family, her health — it was a long list. i didnt know why she was there. a few more came in on my last day. they were all a lot younger and more rambunctious than me. one girl was crying about being there and having to take out her earrings. a boy had been brought in for fighting at his middle school, i think, and he would talk out of turn incessantly in group. a freshman from another high school came in not long before i had to leave and i sat with her and answered her questions, because id grown used to the place. its amazing how well you can adapt to even the worst of situations. i barely slept the first night i was there and they woke me up at 6 am to pee in a cup and have my blood taken. i couldnt sleep after that, so i was awake in bed until breakfast at 8 am. i trudged out and ate my cinnamon toast crunch. on my first day, they had some psychology students or something in to observe. it made me feel a bit like a science experiment, but id fully succumbed to the understanding that i was crazy and had been landed here for being crazy, so it only validated me. i sat very quietly and filled out the little packet theyd given me. no one was allowed pencils. it was all done in crayola marker which we checked in and out as necessary. we also had to write a short statement on how we felt every morning, and my first one was too vague. the disapproval made me upset enough to start crying, and it was also my friends 18th birthday, and i felt extremely guilty for missing it. group therapy started, but i had to go see the psychologist. id never been to a psychologist before. he was very nice as well — i honestly found myself more comfortable around the adults than the kids at this point. he asked the usual questions about why i was there and what my usual symptoms were. i explained that i was suicidal and very depressed and anxious. he prescribed me zoloft. it was that simple. i think we probably had to go to our “class” next. it was taught by a woman with a very severe bun in her hair. we all lined up to sign out our markers and went down to the end of the hall of rooms. at the end of that hall were glass doors leading to the outside world. class was pathetic. we had to select rhyming words and do word searches, and some people managed to get things wrong even then. anyway, after that, we had another group. it was with a different therapist who i only saw that one time, and all the students watched it. she went for cailin first. she interrogated her about what had landed her there. cailins parents had been to jail for fighting or something, and cailin had been relocated to new york temporarily, but she returned to florida. her mom didnt understand that she was clinically depressed. she had cut herself in some fit of depression or something. as far as i remember, she kept it together pretty well, but its a bit fuzzy. i was next. she asked yet again why i was there. i answered about my suicidal feelings. she asked why i was suicidal. i explained id been depressed for a very long time. she asked how long. i said since i was around 10 or 11. she asked what happened at that time in my life. i told her my stepdad left. she asked if it was upsetting to me. i said it was more of a relief. she asked why. i told her he wasnt a good person. she asked why. i answered that he tried to kill my mom twice. she asked how. i told her he choked her. i saw the bruises. i was crying a lot already, and it was hard to talk because my throat wanted to close up. she asked why i was crying. i was dumbstruck. she then went on to berate cailin and i for self-harming. she warned us of infections and whatnot — what i wanted to say was that id been admitted for wanting to kill myself, so an infection didnt really worry me that much. she asked what i had in my life that i love, and i told her about my dog, charlie. all the students ‘aww’ed when i said he was a little chihuahua. i wonder now if that visit seemed harrowing for them. they caught me on my first day, when i had a lot to get off my chest. for reference, we were in there for about an hour, and she only talked to me and cailin for the entire time. it was pretty excruciating. one girl, who was there for anger issues, left the room and hit her head on the wall because she was so upset. angela refused to speak. when we got out of the room, one of the students asked me to say hello to charlie for her when i got out. later that day i had family therapy. everyone has to have at least one family therapy session. some of the patients would have multiple, like cailin, and hers always ended in screaming matches. on probably the third day i remember she came out of the room crying and one of the nurses sat by her and told her “dont take any of your mothers sh*t. i want you to go in there and tell her what you need to say and dont back down. you dont have to deal with that sh*t. youre strong.” while the others lined up to go to the gym, i sat in the main room and waited for my mom to appear. i dont think id discovered the joys of reading the elementary school level books they kept on the ward yet, so i just sat and looked at the floor for a while. she showed up and went into the therapy room with the nicer therapist, mrs marcia. she was a black woman with a wonderful sense of humor. she always made us laugh in group. sitting outside the therapy room, i could hear them laughing like crazy. they must have been getting along very well. after what seemed like forever, they called me in and talked to me for a little bit. while ive had a lot of issues with my mom, they werent necessarily my reason for coming in. im going to move to the future for a second and recount something very strange that happened only a few weeks ago: we were discussing my stepdad, and i mentioned something that happened that was traumatic for me. my mom was definitely there. and yet she didnt remember. i dont remember a lot of things from that period of my life, but i remember that moment very clearly, and she doesnt. it turns out that part of our misunderstandings just come from blocking out different things. she thought i had no reason to be traumatized because she was repressing memories that i hadnt repressed. anyway, mrs marcia basically told us that we both love each other and im going to get out in a few days and be ready to go on to my life. we talked about my lack of hope for the future and she told me to write a list of goals and a short paper called “what i would do if i had a future”. then she gave my mom and i a few minutes to talk. i was pretty emotional all day because of the terrible therapy session, so i think i cried a lot, but it wasnt an upsetting meeting or anything. she brought me some pyjamas and another change of clothes to wear. i couldnt take the pants, though, because they had a string in the waistband that i guess i couldve hung myself with if i were very determined. but i took the rest. it was incredibly cold on the ward so i was very glad to get more sweaters. we said goodbye and i went to the gym for the last little bit of time we had there. i think i picked up the hobbit at this point, because we had an hour of resting time in our rooms. you wouldnt believe how amazing that single hour of free time to nap and go to the bathroom whenever we want feels when youd have to ask them to escort you to the bathroom for the rest of the time. plus, the rooms had heaters that you could turn all the way up to 90 degrees. wed blast them at the highest setting to get the chill out of our bones. i was starting to have a horrific headache, though, because i was used to taking four to eight aspirin a day, a terrible habit id picked up nearly eight years ago. detoxing from that was probably the worst part of my entire visit. it felt like my brain was on fire. still, these afternoon hours were the most restful of my stay, i think. even though i was in a psychiatric ward, this relatively unstructured time seemed almost like normalcy. when we had dinner, i sat with angela, cailin, and rayvn. the ward had surprisingly acceptable vegetarian options for the most part. lots of grilled cheeses, but they were good. at this point they told me how f***ed up it was what happened in therapy, and, well, i guess i decided to let my guard down because id already cried and told them all about my traumas. from that point on, we tended to sit together and converse in whispers when we were between activities. during mealtimes we got a spoon and when we were done we had to put it on a paper towel in the middle of the table to make sure no one was storing them for god knows what reason. apparently there had been an incident. i had my first dose of zoloft that day. i wished it could be fast acting, that i would just snap out of my depression, but of course that wasnt how it worked. for about the first two weeks on the medication i just felt numb and boring. it got better after that. now ive been on it for two months and i feel like a real person again. i dont just sit around all day feeling like a worthless waste of space anymore. im starting to think i might deserve the love and care of others. and im still anxious, but its so much easier. before medication i was having daily panic attacks, heart palpitations, extremely scary chest pains, shakes — after medication, im almost free of all of those symptoms. but i digress. we worked on puzzles in the evening, though a lot of the pieces were missing. the stern yet kind doctor would come in for evening activities, too, and him and i talked about our mutual hobby of painting. on my last night there we even did some art therapy outside until it started to rain. i want my little painting to go in my exhibition. its not impressive, but it represents a lot. i got so used to the routine that by only my second full day there i was settled in, chatting with the other people on the ward, speaking up in therapy — and i was a pro at telling people i was in the hospital because i wanted to kill myself. they really desensitize you to your own condition in this place. you have to explain it to basically every employee at least once. even the gym coach had to have me take a survey that let him know i was a suicidal, self-harming abuse victim. i think this might be why im able to talk so candidly about all of this now. i was certainly a lot more closed off before my visit. the showers were lukewarm at best and you only got a small capful of body soap. my curly hair was trying earnestly to form dreadlocks by the time i got out. your clothes would come back from the wash every day all staticky and shrunken feeling, and i had to wear my comfier pair of jeans to bed because i hadnt been able to secure actual pyjama pants. you got toothpaste dispensed on your toothbrush and a little paper cup of alcohol-free mouthwash, and then you brought your toothbrush back when you were done. it was the same with deodorant, too — they hand you a little roll-on antiperspirant bottle and you bring it back once youre dressed. i was at least glad that they let you keep a fairly nice hygiene schedule. imagine how dreadful the ward would be if you were trapped there, forced to tell strangers about your darkest secrets, AND you smelled bad. i wouldnt have survived. i wouldve gouged my eyes out with those carefully counted spoons. on my last morning there, i had a scare where i thought i might have to stay longer because i had a sore throat and my vitals were going crazy. once i woke up, i had an adverse reaction to the medication and my blood pressure dropped extremely low which caused me to almost pass out. i was drenched in cold sweat, pale as a ghost, dry-heaving. but everyone around me knew my secrets so i wasnt really that embarrassed about it or anything. haha. i recovered alright, but that first week or so of medication was kind of rough in terms of side effects. i havent had anything that bad since. anyway, i was determined to make it out that afternoon, so i just returned to my normal self as rapidly as possible and made sure no one was too worried. i think my last day there was cailins as well. rayvn and angela were also scheduled to head off to their new homes in the coming days. my notes on how i was feeling got more and more optimistic each morning, but i wasnt lying. i was starting to believe i really could get out of this place and maybe even move on with my life once i got a few things sorted out. the placebo effect really is wonderful — im sure the meds do a little bit to improve my mood, but i dont think theyd be half as effective if i werent so deadset on being okay. you have to understand that id been severely depressed for the better part of a decade and i was at my breaking point. instead of breaking, i decided to be idiotically optimistic and put all of my strength into the knowledge that things would get better. they did. my mom came and picked me up during class that afternoon. i thanked cailin, angela, and rayvn, assuring the latter that she had shooters out there. it was something like an inside joke wed been repeating for the past couple days. as i was escorted out of the building, i couldnt stop crying. i was so grateful for the experience and for everyone id met, and i was sad that i may never see them again. i kept crying on the way home and all the way inside the house, and when i saw my dog i fell to my knees and sobbed even more. i had about 90 messages on my phone from concerned friends to respond to and my own bed to sleep in — finally. i hadnt slept more than two or three hours at a time since my admission. it was good to be home. i appreciated little things like warm air and music so much more. and this story still isnt over, because im still living it, but the ending is shaping up to be a happy one, i think. 0 Comments

01/07/2020 05:22 PM  song survey Current mood:  headphones sorry in advance for the amount of times i use pile! no pile! pile by the brave little abacus. Your favorite song (or one of them): pile! no pile! pile! - the brave little abacus A song you know all the words to: beach life-in-death - car seat headrest A song that makes you happy: linus and lucy - vince guaraldi A song that makes you cry: fourth of july - sufjan stevens A song that makes you laugh: the most beautiful girl in the room - flight of the conchords A song that reminds you of your parent(s): sunday bloody sunday - u2 for my mom and sweet adeline - elliott smith for my dad. bonus: your party - ween for my stepmom A song that reminds you of your sibling(s): n/a A song that reminds you of your best friend: king for a day - pierce the veil A song that reminds you of your significant other/crush: anchorite (love you very much) - car seat headrest A song from your favorite band/music group: a map of the stars - the brave little abacus A song by your favorite composer: nocturne op 9 no 2 - chopin (sorry for basic choice :p) A song you like from a genre you don't usually listen to: farewell transmission - songs: ohia An instrumental song you like : mediterranean sundance - paco de lucía, al di meola A song you can dance to : want you in my room - carly rae jepsen A song you would sing karaoke to : im not okay - my chemical romance A song with a great music video : helena - my chemical romance A song that reminds you of a certain event: lua - bright eyes A song that reminds you of a place you've traveled to: cant run away - the brave little abacus A song from your favorite album: untitled (cont) - the brave little abacus The first song alphabetically in your iTunes/music library: a - graduating life The last song alphabetically in your iTunes/music library: zzz pt.iiii - haru nemuri (not counting numbers or foreign characters) A song you like in a different language: kuroi tamago - shinsei kamattechan A song you can play on an instrument : walking the cow - daniel johnston A song you'd like to learn on an instrument: if winter ends - bright eyes A song that reminds you of someone you admire: gloria - patti smith A song you never get tired of hearing : cartoon network - black dresses A song that a friend recommended to you : dress down - kaoru akimoto A song you like from a movie you like : komm, süsser tod - arianne A Disney song you like: hawaiian roller coaster ride A musical theater/Broadway song you like : granger danger :')) A song you'd sing as a duet with someone : oh... granger danger! A song you loved 10 years ago: kid - the pretenders A song that you loved 5 years ago: citizen erased - muse A song with a great instrumental part: a highway got paved over my future, i drive it getting to school - the brave little abacus The most played song in your music library: pile! no pile! pile! - the brave little abacus A song you like that you haven't listened to in a while: the gun song - car seat headrest A song with lyrics you can't understand : chiritori - shinsei kamattechan A song that describes you : pile! no pile! pile! - the brave little abacus (strike 3) A song shorter than 3 minutes: please please please let me get what i want - the smiths A song longer than 7 minutes : long season - fishmans A classical song you like : probably something by haydn A song you'd like played at your wedding : this must be the place (naive melody) - talking heads A Christmas/holiday song you like : happy xmas (war is over) - john lennon A song that you like the cover better than the original : hallelujah - leonard cohen (i like the jeff buckley version best) A song you love that you recently discovered: lounge (closing time) - modest mouse A song that reminds you of summer : never meant - american football A song you like with a name in the title : katy song - red house painters A song you like with a color in the title : it was probably green (march 19th 1983) - carissas wierd A song you like with a place in the title : b is for bethlehem - the promise ring A song you like with a number in the title: 2:45 am - elliott smith A song you like with a place in the title: already answered A song that makes you hopeful : party for one - carly rae jepsen The song you're currently listening to : airbag - radiohead The last song you listened to : all of the time - me in capris A song you heard at the last concert you attended: all i see - beach bonsai A song with lyrics that you love: a song to pass the time - bright eyes A song you're proud of yourself for learning : pile! no pile! pile! A song you think everyone should listen to: one more pile! no pile! pile! 0 Comments

11/28/2019 10:53 PM  lawrences scene and emo quiz! Current mood:  lethargic okay. i just filled out this whole thing, taking about thirty minutes, then accidentally hit the back button. haha. that was upsetting. im gonna fill it out all over again anyway, though! ps, long time no see to the blog section. i like reading other peoples survey answers, and i like filling them out, so even though i know most people wont read this im going to do it for the second time. woohoo. NAME?: cyril elijah! or cyril, or elijah, or cyr, or eli. whatever floats your boat. PREFERRED PRONOUNS?: i primarily use he/him, but im okay with they/them as well. SEXUALITY?: gay. i used to be all specific about my sexuality and gender but now im like alright whatever. im a gay guy. haha. DO U PREFER SCENE OR EMO?: emo, personally. WOULD U CONSIDER URSELF SCENE OR EMO?: from a mindset and media consumption standpoint, yes. IF YES, WHICH ONE?: emo is forever. :] HOW LONG HAVE U BEEN AN EMO/SCENE KID?: since... like... forever. i wanted to be emo from elementary school, got into scene in 5th grade, started listening to emo pop in 6th grade, stopped in 8th, started listening to midwest and revival stuff in 9th grade, and now were here in 12th grade. WHAT'S UR FAVORITE COLOR(S)?: unironically black. WHO R U MORE LIKELY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH-- SCENES OR EMOS?: probably emos, just because im pretty introverted and bookish. but scene teens are fun to party with! FAVORITE ARTIST/BAND?: the brave little abacus, i think. TOP THREE FAVORITE SONGS?: lets go with pile! no pile! pile! by the brave little abacus, i know its over by the smiths, and either beach life-in-death or the gun song by car seat headrest. MAKE A PLAYLIST FOR UR CURRENT MOOD?: chemicals - tigers jaw flowers - father figure caught in a flood with the captain of the cheerleading squad - i hate myself narash*te - haru nemuri cartoon network - black dresses chiritori - shinsei kamattechan 800db cloud - 100 gecs FAVORITE PLACE TO GET UR MUSIC FROM?: for vinyl, i go to atlantic sounds and rainbow records when i have the cash. ive gotten some good finds at goodwill, too, usually cds. for downloads, i go to sophies floorboard, soulseek, bandcamp, and /mu/. when it comes to finding new music to listen to, i sift through last.fm, rym, /mu/, and chat with fans of bands i already like. DO U DOWNLOAD MUSIC?: yes. i used to only get physical music, but its too expensive and my taste started getting prohibitively obscure. DO U THINK "POSERS" EXIST?: yes. people who are just in it for the image kind of sketch me out. and people who dont really know about any music deeper than the basics of the genre. im always excited to share deeper cuts with those people, though! THOUGHTS ON "PREPS"?: actually a very useful word, along with normie, to denote people who listen to the radio, are kind of mean to me, and have no mental illnesses. nothing wrong with being a prep. but it is a certain type of person. WHAT KIND OF HAIRSTYLE DO U HAVE?: an unruly mane of curls. HAVE U EVER DYED UR HAIR?: yeah. blue (with non-bleach dye that didnt last long) over the summer and dark brown about a month ago. HAVE U EVER PUT DYED PATTERNS IN UR HAIR?: nope! i was super into coontails as a kid though, haha. i wanted that sh*t so bad. DO U CURRENTLY USE HAIR EXTENSIONS?: nope. HAVE U EVER USED HAIR EXTENSIONS?: nooope. IF YES, WHAT KIND WERE THEY? ( CLIP INS, BEADS, ETC! ): n/a. DO YOU WEAR KANDI JEWELRY?: yup! IF YES, WHAT KIND OF KANDI JEWELRY IS YOUR FAVORITE TO WEAR?: i like single-strand bracelets and anklets, mainly, with band names and the like, stacked high up on my forearms. IF NO, DO YOU STILL LIKE KANDI JEWELRY?: n/a. IF YES, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TO SEE ON OTHERS?: i love to see people with those big-ass cuffs or giant layered stacks of bracelets! KANDI BEADS ON SHOELACES, YAY OR NAY?: hell yes. i have a bunch, including some that say 'invader zim' and 'true love will find you in the end'. IF U COULD, WHAT KIND OF KANDI JEWELRY WOULD U MAKE?: i do make kandi! but i would love to have some necklaces or maybe try my hand at a cuff. IF U COULD, WOULD U SELL KANDI JEWELRY?: ive sold some to friends for $1 and given it out for free too. i think its nice to give it for free, though, in the spirit of plur and all. DO YOU COLOR YOUR NAILS?: yup. IF YES, WHAT COLOR(S)?: ive had phases of mustard, olive, jade, maroon, and bubblegum pink, but i always end up going back to painting them black. DO YOU WEAR MAKEUP?: i put some on about half the time, and the other half of the time theres some left over from the night before and smudged all over my eyes. haha. IF YES, WHAT'S UR FAVORITE KIND OF MAKEUP?: i only wear black eyeliner and mascara. :p not too heavy and usually a bit smudged. FAVORITE EMO KID?: adam demirjian. :]. FAVORITE SCENE KID?: i loved audkitch as a kid. WHAT KIND OF WRITING STYLE DO U HAVE? ( HARDCORE SCENE, HARDCORE EMO, NORMAL, ETC ): im assuming this is about typing. i guess i type kind of like an emo kid. EXAMPLE OF UR EVERY DAY WRITING?: on this website i type a bit more formally and reserved, but if you get to know me you can receive wonderful good morning texts like "holy f*** i just had a dream that my stepmom was going to grt a tattoo and i got peer pressuredbinto getting f***ign piakchu tattooed onnktnwr" once you unlock my fun side. R U OPEN TO FRIENDSHIPS?: yeah! im horrifically lonely! but im also very bad at starting and maintaining conversations. HOW DID U FIND FRIENDPROJECT?: i think from browsing scenecore tumblr. DO U HAVE ANY SCENE/EMO FRIENDS IRL?: yeah! IF YES, WHICH ONE? ( BOTH, JUST SCENE, JUST EMO, ETC. ): i have a super cool scene friend named rhys! hes got crazy awesome hair! and i have some friends like my friend dylan who seem to know every mildly popular emo band in existence, or my friend tommy whos in every local band and at every local show... :] WOULD U SAY U HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF EMO/SCENE STUFF?: yeah, of course. IF YES, WHAT IS IT LIKE, IF UR WILLING TO SHARE?: im an excellent student. on my second year in a row of a 5.0 gpa. i read books and watch movies. i ride my bike a lot. i do art. i have, like, 5 mental illnesses so i... try to keep that under control. haha. IF NO, WHAT GOT U STARTED ON SCENE/EMO STUFF?: n/a. but i got into it because i wanted to be like my friends cool older brothers. R UR FRIENDS/FAMILY ACCEPTING OR UR EMO/SCENE LIFESTYLE?: they might make fun of it every once in a while, but yeah. DO U WEAR UR SCENE/EMO STUFF TO WORK OR SCHOOL?: i dress mostly in baggy jeans and jewel tone sweaters. haha. but i also wear a lot of kandi and emo band shirts. i think i dress kind of like the 1999 seventeen magazine "are you emo" spread. haha. i want to look like i live at the american football house. IF YES, WHAT KIND OF REACTIONS DO U GET?: i used to get made fun of for wearing kandi when i started a few years ago! but nowadays i get a lot of compliments because i dont dress quite like anyone else. IF NO, WHY NOT?: it is hard to buy a whole new wardrobe when you dont have much money! and i like being comfy and i like sweaters and baggy pants... but i do sort of give off emo vibes, apparently. HOW DID THIS SURVEY MAKE U FEEL?: i get sort of on edge when discussing my own emoness. a lot of people on this site probably look way more emo than me. but i dont know how many are into the music and the philosophy of it as much. either way, i had fun filling it out. ENDING COMMENTS?: emo is about the music. :] NAME?: PREFERRED PRONOUNS?: SEXUALITY?: DO U PREFER SCENE OR EMO?: WOULD U CONSIDER URSELF SCENE OR EMO?: IF YES, WHICH ONE?: HOW LONG HAVE U BEEN AN EMO/SCENE KID?: WHAT'S UR FAVORITE COLOR(S)?: WHO R U MORE LIKELY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH-- SCENES OR EMOS?: FAVORITE ARTIST/BAND?: TOP THREE FAVORITE SONGS?: MAKE A PLAYLIST FOR UR CURRENT MOOD?: FAVORITE PLACE TO GET UR MUSIC FROM?: DO U DOWNLOAD MUSIC?: DO U THINK "POSERS" EXIST?: THOUGHTS ON "PREPS"?: WHAT KIND OF HAIRSTYLE DO U HAVE?: HAVE U EVER DYED UR HAIR?: HAVE U EVER PUT DYED PATTERNS IN UR HAIR?: DO U CURRENTLY USE HAIR EXTENSIONS?: HAVE U EVER USED HAIR EXTENSIONS?: IF YES, WHAT KIND WERE THEY? ( CLIP INS, BEADS, ETC! ): DO YOU WEAR KANDI JEWELRY?: IF YES, WHAT KIND OF KANDI JEWELRY IS YOUR FAVORITE TO WEAR?: IF NO, DO YOU STILL LIKE KANDI JEWELRY?: IF YES, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TO SEE ON OTHERS?: KANDI BEADS ON SHOELACES, YAY OR NAY?: IF U COULD, WHAT KIND OF KANDI JEWELRY WOULD U MAKE?: IF U COULD, WOULD U SELL KANDI JEWELRY?: DO YOU COLOR YOUR NAILS?: IF YES, WHAT COLOR(S)?: DO YOU WEAR MAKEUP?: IF YES, WHAT'S UR FAVORITE KIND OF MAKEUP?: FAVORITE EMO KID?: FAVORITE SCENE KID?: WHAT KIND OF WRITING STYLE DO U HAVE? ( HARDCORE SCENE, HARDCORE EMO, NORMAL, ETC ): EXAMPLE OF UR EVERY DAY WRITING?: R U OPEN TO FRIENDSHIPS?: HOW DID U FIND FRIENDPROJECT?: DO U HAVE ANY SCENE/EMO FRIENDS IRL?: IF YES, WHICH ONE? ( BOTH, JUST SCENE, JUST EMO, ETC. ): WOULD U SAY U HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF EMO/SCENE STUFF?: IF YES, WHAT IS IT LIKE, IF UR WILLING TO SHARE?: IF NO, WHAT GOT U STARTED ON SCENE/EMO STUFF?: R UR FRIENDS/FAMILY ACCEPTING OR UR EMO/SCENE LIFESTYLE?: DO U WEAR UR SCENE/EMO STUFF TO WORK OR SCHOOL?: IF YES, WHAT KIND OF REACTIONS DO U GET?: IF NO, WHY NOT?: HOW DID THIS SURVEY MAKE U FEEL?: ENDING COMMENTS?: 2 Comments

10/26/2019 08:51 PM  100 questions Current mood:  bored 1. What is your middle name? michelle by law, but id like to change it to holden at some point. 2. How old are you? seventeen. 3. What is your birthday? february 20th (same day as kurt cobain!) 4. What is your zodiac sign? pisces. 5. What is your favourite colour? dont have one, i guess black. i use a lot of pastels in my art, though. 6. What's your lucky number? 2 and numbers with 2 like 20 and 22 (since i was born 02/20/2002, i was #2 in the alphabetical order of the class all through elementary school, and good things happen to me a lot on the 22nd of the month) 7. Do you have any pets? two dogs and two cats: charlie, a chihuahua; aria, a mutt; luna, a fat black cat with no tail; christmas, a russian blue mix who is 15 years old. 8. Where are you from? florida. 9. How tall are you? 5'4". 10. What shoe size are you? eight. 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? eleven that i wear regularly, but i have some others that ive gathered over the years or which i wear for band or something. cherry red vegan docs, mid top air force 1s, reebok classics, stan smiths, old skools with the flames on the side, orange and green one stars, white high top chucks, all black high top chucks, brown birkenstocks, red birkenstocks, and peach tevas. my shoe size hasnt changed since about 5th grade and i got a lot of them secondhand, for christmas, or on a huge discount, though, im not rich. haha. 12. What was your last dream about? i remember waking up this morning glad to have a good dream instead of a nightmare, but i already forgot what it was. 13. What talents do you have? the ability to ruin my own day and remember hordes of useless facts. 14. Are you psychic in any way? apparently when i was little i talked to a ghost. but my aunt who told me that is kinda crazy, so that might not be true. 15. Favourite song? my traditional answer is i know its over by the smiths, but my contemporary answer is pile! no pile! pile! by the brave little abacus -- traditional and contemporary in terms of how long ive liked the song. 16. Favourite movie? rushmore, because its f***ing hilarious and aesthetically wonderful. but end of evangelion is really my favorite, i think, it just feels wrong to answer a movie that has an entire show behind it giving it context. 17. Who would be your ideal partner? hmm. kaworu nagisa. if not him, then someone who is very smart and funny, a musician, cares about me enough to ask how im doing and want to know the answer, who is patient with all my neuroses and sticks around even when they get in the way, will enjoy watching movies and anime and listening to music with me, has long philosophical discussions late at night, runs through cities with me without caring about anyone around us thinks because were young and in love and nothing else matters, enjoys reading books, enjoys drinking tea, knows what mental illness is like. preferably wears glasses. 18. Do you want children? most likely not. 19. Do you want a church wedding? no. 20. Are you religious? i grew up vaguely christian, became an atheist at a very young age, then went back to christianity at about 14 because i started to have extreme death anxiety, and now im vaguely christian again. i mean, i dont really know how i feel about god -- whether he even exists or his nature if he does, hence why my profile says agnostic -- but jesus is super cool. 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? i broke my foot in 4 places when i was 6 and my parents waited a week before taking me to the hospital. so yes. 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? no. 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? not in real life, but i did have a conversation with adam demirjian (singer/lyricist/guitarist/drummer, sometimes of the brave little abacus) over discord once. hes pretty much one of my idols, so it was really exciting for me. i was also front row at a mom jeans show one time, haha. totally counts. 24. Baths or showers? i usually take showers but i take baths if im stressed out or something. i love bathing and i take a super long time. sorry to our planets water supply. 25. What colour socks are you wearing? none >:) 26. Have you ever been famous? no way. 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? when i was little i wanted to be famous because i wanted to be remembered after i died and i wanted to make a difference in peoples lives like the musicians i loved made in mine. nowadays, im semi-planning on becoming an english teacher, because im super influenced by some of my teachers (especially my art teacher) and ive realized thats probably the biggest difference you can make in someones life. "im sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody." 28. What type of music do you like? emo, skramz, hardcore, indie, folk, alt-country, breakcore, pop punk, glitch, pop, post-punk, goth, shoegaze, romantic period pianists, folk punk, noise, lo-fi indie rock, japanese noise pop, math rock, outsider music, slowcore, sadcore, progressive dreamfunk, and post-avant jazzcore. 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? yes. i always find this question strange because i swam in a pool naked when i was very young. it wasnt especially perverse. 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? there are a lot on my bed, but i mainly use two. 31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my back, typically. i like sleeping curled up on my side, but it gives me a headache. 32. How big is your house? two bed two bath generic suburban household at my moms. big ass spanish style two-story (and a basement) at my dads, but im only there 10% of the month. 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? 2 acetaminophen, 2 ibuprofen, and a coke zero. 34. Have you ever fired a gun? no. 35. Have you ever tried archery? yes, in elementary school pe we had an archery unit. 36. Favourite clean word? serendipity is nice. i like polysyllabic, pretty-sounding words. cellar door is always nice. 37. Favourite swear word? f*** is such a classic. bitch might actually be the one i say the most, though, because i call everyone bitch as if i were just saying dude. 38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? 36 hours. 39. Do you have any scars? tons on my left thigh. take a wild guess about why. i also have a weird little one on my right ankle, though, because it got sliced on some glass when i was little and its never gone away. 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? not as far as i know. im not very attractive. 41. Are you a good liar? no. im usually a very literal person, so lying doesnt come naturally to me. 42. Are you a good judge of character? usually. 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? not well. im too nervous to try, anyway. if im singing a song i usually emulate the singer, i guess? like john darnielles crisp articulation, morrisseys northern english accent, gerard ways weird growly r sounds. my theater kid friends also talk almost exclusively in obnoxious incomprehensible english accents. 44. Do you have a strong accent? everyone does, i guess. but i have the general american accent, i suppose because florida has just about every type of american all living in one place so it blends together into one inoffensive blur. 45. What is your favourite accent? i like all kinds of accents. jamaican, indian, african, and irish accents are quite nice -- i know there are a lot of accents in all those regions, but just imagine what a character in a movie from any of those places would have, the generic one, and i would like it. 46. What is your personality type? intp, 4w5, melancholic, chaotic good/neutral, derse dreamer, slytherin, etc. 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? i guess my birkenstocks or my doc martens. i pretty much never buy new clothes or expensive clothes. 48. Can you curl your tongue? yes. i cant do the clover thing, though. 49. Are you an innie or an outie? innie. 50. Left or right handed? right. i actually started out left-handed when i was very young, but my mom trained me to be right-handed. i wish she hadnt. i think left-handed people are cool. 51. Are you scared of spiders? i guess, but i try to scoop them up and release them outside. 52. Favourite food? black bean soup. 53. Favourite foreign food? jeez, i dunno. i eat a lot of it. at the moment im craving some chana masala, so ill go with that. 54. Are you a clean or messy person? im messy but i hate mess. so it usually piles up for a while until i have an anxiety attack and clean it in one fell swoop. im quite particular about hygiene, though. 55. Most used phrased? you talk a lotta big game for someone with such a small truck. 56. Most used word? juxtaposition, of course. 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? five minutes. 58. Do you have much of an ego? im obsessed with myself and think im better than everyone, but i also hate myself on a level deeper than most people could ever understand. 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? suck. 60. Do you talk to yourself? constantly. 61. Do you sing to yourself? yes. 62. Are you a good singer? im alright. 63. Biggest Fear? ordering food at a restaurant ive never been to before, i dunno. death. 64. Are you a gossip? everyone likes gossiping. 65. Best dramatic movie you've seen? i dunno, eternal sunshine? 66. Do you like long or short hair? long on guys and short on girls. 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? given enough time. 68. Favourite school subject? art. thats cheating, though, so english. 69. Extrovert or Introvert? prohibitively introverted. 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no. 71. What makes you nervous? talking to strangers, breaking rules, ordering food, asking for help, new experiences, being nervous, planning ahead, not planning ahead, etc. i have like three anxiety/panic disorders... 72. Are you scared of the dark? if ive just read a scary story, maybe. 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? depends on the circumstances. if its something small, probably not, because thats annoying as sh*t. if its about one of my interests or its something for school or something like that, yes. 74. Are you ticklish? yes. 75. Have you ever started a rumour? no. 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? im the president of art club at my school, yaaay me. 77. Have you ever drank underage? no. f*** alcohol. 78. Have you ever done drugs? yes. 79. Who was your first real crush? i suppose i had various crushes on various people throughout elementary and middle school, but the first person i was reeeally into was this dude in 9th grade who was very mean to me. were friends now, though, funnily enough. 80. How many piercings do you have? one piercing in my right earlobe. i used to have the left earlobe and my right nostril, but they closed up. 81. Can you roll your Rs? yup, i speak spanish. 82. How fast can you type? pretty fast, i guess. when im typing in class people always comment on it, haha. 83. How fast can you run? i cant run at all. 84. What colour is your hair? usually a light to medium brown, but i just dyed it dark brown. 85. What colour is your eyes? blue/green/grey. i like to pretend theyre green, though. 86. What are you allergic to? nothing. 87. Do you keep a journal? yes. one for drawings and ranting and one that my therapist makes me keep about my Bad Feelings. 88. What do your parents do? my mom is a bartender. my dad plays guitar in the house band at the same bar. my stepmom is a physical therapist. 89. Do you like your age? being a teenager is the best and worst part of life. its the most miserable and the most vital. i cant wait for it to be over and i wish i could be a teenager forever. 90. What makes you angry? the sound of people chewing. 91. Do you like your own name? the one i chose, yes, even though it makes it painfully obvious that im trans. 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? i dont really want kids, but i name sims a lot. haha. i like either super classic biblical names or sort of contemporary androgynous ones. daniel, elijah, zachariah, aubrey, isaiah, salinger, olivia, etc. 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? no. 94. What are you strengths? i am really smart. and i am very stubborn. 95. What are your weaknesses? disgustingly low self-esteem. clingy. annoying. unstable. unmotivated. chronically anxious. monumentally, suicidally depressed. too sad to be fun to be around. lonely. self-sabotaging. i push people away to avoid getting hurt. awful at keeping conversations going. victim complex. etc. 96. How did you get your name? my legal name came to my mom in a dream. my chosen name is oscar wildes sons name, and my friend helped me pick it. 97. Were your ancestors royalty? what? no. though, funnily, my paternal sides last name is king. 98. Do you have any scars? the answer hasnt changed since i was last asked. 99. Colour of your bedspread? white, blue, and green. 100. Colour of your room? white and covered in posters. 0 Comments

10/06/2019 01:37 PM  abbys october survey! Current mood:  bored 1. What is your favourite thing about autumn? i guess wearing sweaters, though its still hot in florida and i wear sweaters all the time anyway. lol. halloween and scary movies are also great, though. 2. Best candy? kit-kats!! 3. WORST candy?? anything with gelatin in it; im a vegetarian so i dont eat gelatin :/ 4. Top three halloween/horror movies? the shining, the thing, and teeth were the first three that came to mind for some reason lol. 5. What are your plans for halloween? i dont have any yet. last year i sat at home in a coraline costume and no one even trick or treated at my house, which was very depressing. i was thinking about going as alex from a clockwork orange this year but i dont have anywhere to go. 6. Do you decorate?? If yes, how?? i used to, with little graveyards and cobwebs and all in my yard, but honestly my mom and i are too lazy now. 7. If you had to be best friends with a halloween-y creature (vampire, werewolf, zombie, etc.) what would they be? OBVIOUSLY a vampire. i f***ing love vampires. 8. Do you like any halloween or ~spooky~ themed songs?? its halloween - the shaggs 9. What's your worst fear? what happens when we die, lol. and i think ive developed agoraphobia. 10. What are your opinions on: candy corn, black liquorice, and circus peanuts? not vegetarian, gross, and gross. 11. What urban legend freaks you out the most? hmm... goatman is pretty freaky, but my favorites are the ones about disney cause i have a big interest in theme park history. 12. Haunted houses--yay or nay? yay! though i havent been to one since i was very young. ive had a horrific lack of social life since about 6th grade. 13. And finally, what are you being for halloween??? oops, i answered this earlier. i think im going as alex from a clockwork orange if i go at all. thats all for the quiz. you should fill it out, too. heres the blank: 1. What is your favourite thing about autumn? 2.  Best candy? 3. WORST candy?? 4. Top three halloween/horror movies? 5. What are your plans for halloween? 6. Do you decorate?? If yes, how?? 7. If you had to be best friends with a halloween-y creature (vampire, werewolf, zombie, etc.) what would they be? 8. Do you like any halloween or ~spooky~ themed songs?? 9. What's your worst fear? 10. What are your opinions on: candy corn, black liquorice, and circus peanuts? 11. What urban legend freaks you out the most? 12. Haunted houses--yay or nay? 13. And finally, what are you being for halloween??? 0 Comments

09/30/2019 09:29 PM  the brave little abacus Current mood:  headphones i already posted in a group about this band, but i figured id make a blog post about them too. consider it an ongoing series, in fact, because i have a lot to say about them and its sort of my mission in life to help them achieve the worldwide acclaim they deserve. the brave little abacus is a band from new hampshire. they formed, i believe, in 2008; they broke up in 2012. in that time they released one split, two eps, and two lps. their discography is exceedingly perfect. theyre ostensibly an emo band, with some lovely emotional lyrics and occasionally some fun, pop-punk sort of sounds, but they also use video game samples, sitcom and anime dialogue lines, keyboards, synths, mathy rhythms, and a vocalist (adam demirjian -- hes a super nice guy, ive talked to him, and an amazing lyricist) who sounds like if spongebob had a heavy lisp. possibly the most interesting thing about this band, to me, is the fan culture. they have about 13k listeners on last.fm last time i checked. it was probably closer to 9k when i started listening about a year and a half ago, so their audience is slowly growing. this is a pretty low number, though, considering a popular band like radiohead has almost 5 million. but... i dare you to find a more dedicated fanbase. among people who listen to them regularly, ive found very few people who didnt encounter them and quickly become obsessed. i even did a survey about it! i found that 80-90% of brave little abacus fans discovered the band, felt intrigued enough to listen a few times, had the music click, and now feel that every song was written specifically for them. we have a discord and are known to re-consume every piece of abacus-related media on a weekly basis, make paintings based on their songs, discuss phrases of lyrics with astonishing depth -- wait, some of that might just be me. anyway. the lyrics are probably the most special aspect of the band for me. theyre amazing sonically. the music is the sonic description of an anxiety attack. but the lyrics are the worded description. when i discuss them, i always end up coming back to one thought: theres no way to explain what this means in words, except for the way adam already described it. how else can i explain "i know im not the only one who takes the ground that he steps upon and throws it to the sky in an attempt to answer all the 'i wonder whys'" or "every time i cry about your transience i replace you with the thought of the growing moon as i climb towards it, tell myself its not too late" other than the way theyve already been explained? i get freaked out, sometimes, at the fact that these lines seem to have been plucked directly from my subconscious -- these lyrics have sometimes predicted my life. "the way youre smiling like theres something on your mind, the fact this scene is out of a film"... thats taken straight out of my life. its amazing. its an amazing feeling to have your thoughts and feelings set right in front of you without you having to do the work to dig for them. the first time i heard them i was in germany. i was going to a concentration camp. i fell in love with someone who never really gave a sh*t about me. and i didnt know why, but the band spoke to me in a way nothing else had, and i listened to almost nothing else for a month. ive heard that album over a hundred times now. ive heard their other lp over a hundred times, too. i should probably try to stop being crazy. so, yeah. i would recommend the brave little abacus to anyone who cares about anything. give "just got back from the discomfort--were alright" a try. listen to it somewhere special, maybe when youre taking a long drive at dusk. i promise youll hear something there, even if it doesnt click right away. listen a couple more times. then find that youve found such a deep bond with this record its like an actual human friendship. its more reliable and more fulfilling, anyway. 0 Comments

09/21/2019 10:01 PM  who am i? Current mood:  contemplative while working on this page, ive been all but assaulted by this question over and over. looking at the pages of others as well. when i was a kid i wanted to be emo so bad. i looked up to my friend valeries brother nathan so much -- i was six, and he was about fourteen or so, and he skateboarded and dyed his hair pink. he had a waterbed and a panic! at the disco poster. he loved jeffree star. he wore a pair of high heels on halloween. i figured that when i grew up id be like him. emo died out in the interim between kindergarten and eighth grade, which was the year that i finally became a human being. i had briefly tried being scene in fifth grade, but i was chubby and had curly hair, so it didnt work out well. besides, once i got to eighth grade, id mostly exhausted my enthusiasm for the pop punk that characterized the mainstream view of emo in my childhood. i was already becoming embarrassed of my love of my chemical romance, so i stopped listening to them. nowadays im constantly frustrated with labels. people would call me an art hoe, a hipster, indie, emo, 'aesthetic', whatever other meaningless phrases they came up with to fit me into a box they could easily understand. a few keywords to describe a condensed version of my self-expression and personality. i like to think im genuinely different from the people who actually can be simplified into one word, and people i know have confirmed that belief -- but still, who am i? i wish sometimes i could figure out what i am with a cute turn of phrase. some of the profiles ive seen on here seem so confident in their knowledge of themselves. they freely label themselves emo or scene. im not sure i have the right. i listen to all kinds of emo music, from the 2000s emo pop i gave up in eighth grade but always find myself returning to when i want to escape the stresses of life four years later to an obsession with a band formed in new hampshire that samples malcolm in the middle, sonic, street fighter, akira, and tim allen movies. is it the media i consume that i use to identify myself? it is, a lot of the time. when asked to come up with facts about myself for ice breakers i usually resort to listing favorite bands and films. i think sometimes that other people have already said everything i could ever think to say. and, i mean, at least i read books. at least ive read the catcher in the rye. i dont dress in the style of any particular subculture. im f***ing broke, for one thing, so i dont exactly have the funds to change out my entire wardrobe often to go along with trends. nor do i have the funds to buy every piece from hot topic, and especially not from some obscure, edgy brand online. i tend to wear one of two or three pairs of thrifted blue jeans or shorts every day, with a t-shirt advertising a band i like on top and converse or birkenstocks on bottom. my hair is still as curly and brown as it was in fifth grade when i lamented not being able to properly tease my hair into a perfectly swooped side bang. still, most people seem to think im pretty alternative just from my clothes, as plain as they usually are. is it enough? am i 'emo'? am i a 'hipster'? is it cool and trendy that i dont have the money to buy from somewhere other than goodwill? i suppose so. people tell me a lot that its cool. i see a lot of pictures of people on this website who look like the dictionary definition of an emo kid -- would i look like a poser to them? does it matter? it might surprise the people who know me that i have no sense of identity. that i constantly worry about being a fraud. they know im a slacker with perfect grades (overachieving underachiever, underachieving overachiever) and an artist (i scribble over half the drawings with sharpie) and an individual (i talk out of turn in class and make people mad). yet the normal kids dont like me because im too weird, and the weird kids think im not weird enough when im really... still too weird. where does the real me lie? in my inner thoughts? in my sketchbook? in the clothes i wear? in the music i listen to? the words of the books i read and reread? is it reflected back in the mirror? the reflection in the mirror is intangible. its just a reflection. being emo in 2019 is hard. 0 Comments

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