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10 years ago I did not know what my purpose in life was. I grew up confined to a tiny apartment with three other hussies and could not/would not get involved with them. I was certainly depressed - webbing out to reasons such as school grades (I was smart but had f***ed up so bad I knew that my expulsion was imminent), I had developed a pill addiction on medications that my mother herself was taking for what I now believe was her own existential crisis, and the bow of this package was my overall teenage angst.10 years ago I decided to take as many pills as I found in the bottles in a calm hope that my year 18 would not come around.Instead, I lay aware of my surroundings and unable to do anything, physically or mentally for three whole days.My mother never thought of taking me to the ER.But for three days I heard my sister asking if I was okay, as I lay in bed unable to answer and myself wondering if this was a dream or not.I lay as my cousin that lived with us asked my mom why I had not gotten up to eat for three days or even use the restroom.I lay as my mother in almost calm exasperation explained that she did not know what was wrong with my lazy-ass.And towards the end of the third day I gathered enough inner strength to open my eyes and realize that I needed to pee. It took a whole other four days to come to terms with what had just happened. In those four days I realized that I hadn't really slept in three days... I realized that I was knocked out for that time, but never quite asleep... and I realized that none of the women I lived with had an intention to address the issue of what had just happened.As cliche as the previous and the following will look, I made a commitment to myself that I would have to find a way to keep myself busy moving forward.  Busy enough to distract myself from my own thoughts.  To not give myself time to delve into my own mind... to fool myself that what I was doing was reason enough to not go kill myself ("for now") until my task at hand was completed.  But every time I finished my task, I had tricked myself into embarking onto something new.  Always busy, no time for anything else.That was 10 years ago when I was 17.Fast forward to today and things have changed as much as they have needed to for me to be situated where I am.Three years later, I met my niece as she exited her mother's womb and that child has given me inner light and peace.  I love her so much and am grateful for her every day of my life.That same year I started a relationship with the man that has since then taken my heart and tendered it with nothing but love and trust and a curious sense of endearing entitlement.I have moved in with this man and we have lived together for nearly six years.We've gotten a cat - completely accidental but a blessing in itself as she entered my life in a moment when a dark cloud was passing in my direction.We've gone through new used sh*tty cars and have recently (lol, like three years ago) purchased a reliable new used car that we love.I've traveled to places I never imagined I would have... and they're all within the country so I can only imagine what the world will be like when I explore it.I've landed the job of my dreams and have ambitions of being able to do more.I've found and met my father and an additional two sisters and baby brother whom I love very much.I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight from the experience of being a broke-ass who can only afford a cup of noodles and the dollar menu, and later more weight from making a steady income and being able to eat all of the good food that the world has to offer.I've lost a ridiculous amount of weight from one day realizing that I went overboard with the food and became one of "those" people that change their lifestyle to live healthier and will never look back.I've finally dyed my hair a crazy color - purple - and plan on exploring nearly every color under the color spectrum before black again.And there's so many things in between all of that that I am not sure what is next.Why am I putting all of this out there?Because over the past few months... almost a year now, I've slowly been dreading my mornings and have begun questioning my routine as I did 10 years ago.I sought some therapy but I will be honest... it's not for me and I may give it another try in the future... but right now I don't want to talk about my inner thoughts with another person nor do I care to discuss.I've recently thought about my childhood, my mom, my dad, what my life was before I had to grow up and everything since.I've felt done with.And then there's better days, in which I will find myself in better spirits and not feel like I don't want to be here.And I've had to remember that 10 years ago, the attempt did not work, but getting to know myself a little better did.So I guess what I'm trying to say is... you have to believe in yourself.  Know that you are worth something.  Even if you feel worthless... you and only you have to be that friend that talks yourself out of doing something irreversible or stupid.You are the friend in you that will get you through this.  You are also not alone.  Millions of people in the world are going through questions of their existence - and it is okay, and it will be okay, and you will be okay.I wish I could end on a happy note but my happy note is that we are both here, and it's reason enough to celebrate.  Forget about your thoughts for a moment, and go do something nice for a loved one, anything you know that they will find meaningful.You do not understand how much you are loved, and you never will.  But the only person who can ultimately love you more than anyone else in your life, is you.

In no particular order:You Must Remember ThisMy Favorite MurderThe Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth ReynoldsMysterious UniverseLoreSword & ScaleThe Mortified Podcast

bye yall its game time

so idk how to add stamps to mah bio like othah kidz r doin, so if anyone could plz help id luv u 4evah and evah!!!

I actually fell for you before I even realized I did.. ♥

I'm just testing this out ♥3

I swear to god, my life could be a soap opera. It's great, but I could live without the drama. Get over it bitch, Tyler is with me now. You are irrelivant. You can try all u want to break us up, but hes with me. You can't seriously beilive that a 10 will stay with a 2. He needs a real women like me. That's why he's with me we feed off each other.

Boss is a d*ck, demands longer and longer hours which he doesn't pay you for.Control freak, micromanaging f***tard who screams at you and makes you miserable.I know I should quit, but what if I wind up in something worse?That's the fear that holds me back.

As hard as this is going to be, I'm going to try really hard to push myself to get out more(unless I forget cuz I do that). I want my old life back. I want to be able to find the girl who was super bubbly and outgoing. I'm sick and tired of my anxiety and seasonal depression controlling my life. It's getting to the point that I don't care about anything. Not even myself. That's not good! I need to take charge. If my mom can do it and my best friend can do it, then I can do it. Yea, it's going to be really really hard but I have to do it. If I keep hanging out with people, as time goes on it will get easier. Then when I am done with college and I have a job and money to move, I can move to Florida like I've been wanting to do for years now. By that time my anxiety shouldn't be an issue anymore and it's summer every day there so I won't have to worry about depression. I just need to remember that I can go home at any time, it's not like I have to stay there, esp if I get anxiety I'm sure my friends would understand. If I do it enough, I'll no longer get anxiety. Well, so I was told by a YouTuber who specializes in this stuff. I'm sure he's right on the money though because anxiety is infact a fear. Your afraid of something. What I'm afraid of, is getting anxiety while I'm hanging out with my friends (not my best friends), make a total fool of myself because I'm panicking, they don't know what to do, and I embarrass myself or I'm freaking out so bad that I can't drive home. The worst part about anxiety is that sometimes you don't know why you are scared and/or you are scared of sh*t that isn't logical but you can't seem to convince yourself that even though deep down, your aware it's not a logical fear. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enemy because I've been suffering from it for over a year now. My anxiety medication stopped working and it's a very long process for a doctor to get you off of them. It sucks ass. Yes, I'm suffering from it, but I'm still going to at least try to get out more and be the old me again. The happy me.

OMG I am TOTALLY obsessed with the show "Intervention" it's so damn interesting! It's really sad at the same time though. People doing hard drugs and stuff is terrible and hard to watch. Yea, I don't know these people but still. I have empathy and its just sad. It's even worse when they don't get better and they decide to leave rehab and go back to their old ways. 

YOU LIKE CHEMICAL BROTHERS!From back in student days. Way too much info / data .dictionary. its not text book. Endless scale practices and chord practices. I can pick which sound is interesting. Remember this is not on merchandise its industry confidential info material. Scales: C major scale starting from C 7 patterns Chords: Minor roots E A D Sus4 roots E A D arpeggio and sweep move along as well

I absolutely LOVE reading. I am obsessed with books. I will never read a book off of things like an ipad or a kindal though. I prefer the real thing and when I read from a real book I feel like I am accomplishing something by turning the pages and getting farther and farther into the book until I am done. I am currently reading the Harry Potter series. Yes, I did it backwards and saw all of the movies before reading the books, but to be fair, I was way to young when the first book came out. I remember my mom treading it to me when we were camping. I was born in 1995 sooooo yea lol! If your the type of person who likes to talk about books, then I'm a good person to talk about them with! 

So this website was really created by the guy who made MySpace?!

I admit it. I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago. I was happy, outgoing, daring, secure, proud, and fearless. Now, I can't even leave my house without getting anxiety. Even to hang out with my best friends. I can't do this anymore! I miss who I used to be so so much! If I wanted to be friends with someone I would go for it and be friends with them. Just trying to live life in general is a huge struggle for me. I am not living a normal life at all. I never said anything to anyone about the way I was acting until last night. I'm literally scared of everything. I can't date anyone because I'm mentally unstable and I can't make new friends to hang out with either because I'm terrified to do so. Not to long ago I was the girl who had a tone of friends and it was hard to keep me at home. Now you can't get me to leave the house. What is wrong with me? I'd really like to know! I'm a completely different person now and I'm always unhappy with everything. I don't get excited anymore to color my hair (which always made me happy), I don't get excited for really anything anymore because I feel like I am just existing at this point and I'm not living. Life isn't fun for me anymore. I can't enjoy anything. If nothing gets better soon, I might just say f*** it and make the really hard choice of getting admitted and have them detox me from all of my meds, and start me completely over because my anxiety meds are not working and I've been dealing with this sh*t for almost a year now. 

My facebook account because this website can frustrate me sometimes. I never had a myspace so I am new to pretty much all of this: https://www.facebook.com/lauren.koch.9277