Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for my Sham Friends (originally titled “something to t
Category: Poems
Current mood:  betrayed

December was the cruelest month. November never could've predicted the hellhole I was thrown into during the preceding month. The girl I loved for almost two years had found a new boy. She was never really mine; I know that much. I thought she would never leave me; I never thought my own friend would take her away from me. Countless nights were spent talking to her via Snapchat and Instagram; I never thought those days would end so soon. However, I'm constantly reminded of the end of that era when I see her walking down the halls in the arms of the very guy that split us up. But for some reason, I cannot blame him. I have tried time and time again to blame him for our falling out. I've tried to place all the blame on him to no avail! He has no fault in this mess. It is his fault he fell in love with her. But I refuse to believe he forced her to leave me, much less to purposefully break up a friendship he KNEW meant so much to both sides. I place the blame fully on her: the girl who wasted almost two years of my life, the girl who I fully depended on. My life had revolved around her; I had no time to develop any other relationships when I was with her. I had fallen too deep into the rabbit hole that is a friendship with [redacted]. I loved her so much that I still struggle to find the proper words to describe the adoration I held towards her. [redacted] had been the light of my life, my confidant, best friend, and so much more. No remnants of our friendship are left aside from the text messages I refuse to delete because I don't want to appear as immature and I still need to communicate with her about everything Migrations related. I have deleted all of our conversations apart from the aforementioned. Every and any trace of her from my Snapchat memories are gone, but it was in no way the easiest thing to do. I've done 80 curl-ups and over 60 laps in the oh-so-dreaded PACER test that increased my heartbeat tenfold by hearing a split second of the audio. It's February now, almost three months since my last real conversation with her. I never realized how toxic I had become to myself when I was with her. No disrespect to her, but I blindly followed everything she said. Leah? [redacted] hated her until something changed. I never had anything towards Leah, but I knew she wasn't perfect. Most of us aren't perfect, so who can really speak for that? While I was aware I was blindly following what she said (thanks, Nick), I rejected any form of slander towards Maritza. How could I? Maritza had been my friend longer than I knew of [redacted]’s existence. See, Maritza had been the one that introduced me to [redacted] and allowed a relationship to between [redacted] and me to bloom. I will always be in debt to Maritza for giving me the wonderful experience of knowing the enigma [redacted] was. [redacted] had so much to say about everyone around her and I knew no better than to listen and agree. Despite her telling me I didn't have to agree with everything she said whenever we had mild disagreements or I wasn't versed well enough on a topic, I continued. I don't want to continue to throw her under the bus, so I'll move on. From a creative mind to an eccentric writer, you exemplified everything I want to be. I idolized you for all the wrong reasons, despite me saying I didn't. Looking back at our relationship, I should've listened to Nick. I know she doesn't like him, but he certainly had much merit to his words. Perhaps I could've avoided the pain of losing you if I had listened to Nick and distanced myself. I'm grateful our relationship is over. I don't know how I could've realized the toxicity of my actions if I hadn't taken a step back. I deserve this break from you. I'm sorry you feel as if though you have no friends after our split. You only have yourself to blame for that one, darling. Losing my friendship was no one's fault but yours. [redacted], I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you during that last phone call we had months ago. But there is no way in hell that I will regret that action. I will never forget the day I knew it was over between us. It was during lunch when we were in Strong's room. [redacted] had you wrapped around his stupid, little finger and I could do nothing but watch. I was sick on watching! I did the only thing I could think of: leave. There was so much pent up resentment towards you in that instance that the only thing I could do was cry. It was the most embarrassing thing I had ever been through. And to think you were my best friend who could NEVER cause any pain to me. You said you cared about me. You told me [redacted] meant NOTHING to you. You said you would break things off with him for the last time! These were all lies, of course. How could you give up a guy that gave you attention no one else could? In a way, I understand. But you're a senior, you're leaving in a few months? How long do you think this thing with [redacted] will last? I've heard the things he's said to you and you are not the only one to have heard those words from him. He's a hurt boy who's struggled with life in more ways that either of us has. I don't blame him for falling for the one person I loved more than anything in the world. I just wish you had learned how to use your time. If you knew how to handle more than one relationship at a time I would still be by your side. I wouldn't be stuck writing this damn essay on my laptop if you had simply listened to me and made time for the one person that loved you beyond anything in the world. I hope this is something to think about.