06/05/2019 08:58 PM  eunoia (make me a promise here tonight) Current mood:  amorous the foolish boy decided it was okay to fall in love with his best friend for the second time. one boyfriend and another two crushes later, that dumbass still had feelings for his best friend. but there was something about waiting at that stoplight in the hot austin weather and laughing uncontrollably over a fat pigeon photo, his face a few inches from the boy in the driver’s seat. or maybe it was sitting in the parking lot of an in n out where i complained about a pulsating headache and you nagged me to hit your dab pen to which i ignored because i didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of you. you put your arm behind my seat and i turned to face you, thinking it was time to finally kiss you, but i didn’t. you looked at me and i stared at your face, my heartbeat picking up. i can’t remember what we were talking about, which is probably for the best, and all i can remember is your hand brushing my hair out of my face. my short, bleached blonde hair in the grasp of your fingers. your tattoo fully visible and i stared at it when i couldn’t handle looking into your eyes anymore. it’d be a terrible, yet poetic lie to say that was the moment when i fell in love with you for a second time. but, i don’t think i fell out of love with you. in the letter i wrote you, i forgave you for going on a date with miriam when both of you knew i had feelings for you. the first day we hung out again you brought it to me, telling me about how it made you laugh and how you loved the letter. the letter which you still carry in the glovebox of your car. the letter, still in its envelope, i see every time you reach over my knees to open the compartment to get your weed out. i don’t know how many more times i’m gonna see you this summer, but i want to make you a promise here tonight. 0 Comments

03/20/2019 12:42 AM  a little more Confidence Current mood:  angsty too much time  in speeding cars and red hair dye rock n roll red like the bottle says more rock n roll like the boy in the driver seat late night speeding down a highway i can’t be bothered to remember  adrenaline rushing  hearts pumping just trying to get back home to f*** up some more now threes a crowd and we’re cooped up in a bathroom bleach in my hair pink hair dye in his she’s just watching laughing rock n roll red is in with the bottle half empty sid vicious would laugh if he saw me fake punk wannabe emo kid 2004 myspace would be proud he’s sitting on a closed toilet seat she’s across from him holding his hand so gently painting his nails alternating colors every 35 seconds 0 Comments

02/28/2019 07:08 AM  She’s No Enigma and I’m No John Green Current mood:  melancholy Every day on my way to second period I see a girl I thought could never not love me. I was wrong, of course. She found a new guy and I was out of the picture in no time. Still, I speak highly of her. In an essay I wrote not too long ago (“Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for my Sham Friends”), I addressed her as an eccentric writer, a creative mind, and an enigma. Those were only positives, meant to rid me of any sort of backlash for speaking ill of a friend to many. But what’s the truth without some negatives? I can call [redacted] and enigma all I want to cover up my truths, but that doesn’t do her justice. She’s not perfect and no less human than I. However, the bitter qualities she exemplified throughout my extended time with her were more than visible. Somewhat, I feel responsible, like I owe her something for being such a trustworthy confidant. [redacted] was, in essence, the love of my life. 0 Comments

02/27/2019 11:37 PM  Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for my Sham Friends (originally titled “something to t Current mood:  betrayed December was the cruelest month. November never could've predicted the hellhole I was thrown into during the preceding month. The girl I loved for almost two years had found a new boy. She was never really mine; I know that much. I thought she would never leave me; I never thought my own friend would take her away from me. Countless nights were spent talking to her via Snapchat and Instagram; I never thought those days would end so soon. However, I'm constantly reminded of the end of that era when I see her walking down the halls in the arms of the very guy that split us up. But for some reason, I cannot blame him. I have tried time and time again to blame him for our falling out. I've tried to place all the blame on him to no avail! He has no fault in this mess. It is his fault he fell in love with her. But I refuse to believe he forced her to leave me, much less to purposefully break up a friendship he KNEW meant so much to both sides. I place the blame fully on her: the girl who wasted almost two years of my life, the girl who I fully depended on. My life had revolved around her; I had no time to develop any other relationships when I was with her. I had fallen too deep into the rabbit hole that is a friendship with [redacted]. I loved her so much that I still struggle to find the proper words to describe the adoration I held towards her. [redacted] had been the light of my life, my confidant, best friend, and so much more. No remnants of our friendship are left aside from the text messages I refuse to delete because I don't want to appear as immature and I still need to communicate with her about everything Migrations related. I have deleted all of our conversations apart from the aforementioned. Every and any trace of her from my Snapchat memories are gone, but it was in no way the easiest thing to do. I've done 80 curl-ups and over 60 laps in the oh-so-dreaded PACER test that increased my heartbeat tenfold by hearing a split second of the audio. It's February now, almost three months since my last real conversation with her. I never realized how toxic I had become to myself when I was with her. No disrespect to her, but I blindly followed everything she said. Leah? [redacted] hated her until something changed. I never had anything towards Leah, but I knew she wasn't perfect. Most of us aren't perfect, so who can really speak for that? While I was aware I was blindly following what she said (thanks, Nick), I rejected any form of slander towards Maritza. How could I? Maritza had been my friend longer than I knew of [redacted]’s existence. See, Maritza had been the one that introduced me to [redacted] and allowed a relationship to between [redacted] and me to bloom. I will always be in debt to Maritza for giving me the wonderful experience of knowing the enigma [redacted] was. [redacted] had so much to say about everyone around her and I knew no better than to listen and agree. Despite her telling me I didn't have to agree with everything she said whenever we had mild disagreements or I wasn't versed well enough on a topic, I continued. I don't want to continue to throw her under the bus, so I'll move on. From a creative mind to an eccentric writer, you exemplified everything I want to be. I idolized you for all the wrong reasons, despite me saying I didn't. Looking back at our relationship, I should've listened to Nick. I know she doesn't like him, but he certainly had much merit to his words. Perhaps I could've avoided the pain of losing you if I had listened to Nick and distanced myself. I'm grateful our relationship is over. I don't know how I could've realized the toxicity of my actions if I hadn't taken a step back. I deserve this break from you. I'm sorry you feel as if though you have no friends after our split. You only have yourself to blame for that one, darling. Losing my friendship was no one's fault but yours. [redacted], I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you during that last phone call we had months ago. But there is no way in hell that I will regret that action. I will never forget the day I knew it was over between us. It was during lunch when we were in Strong's room. [redacted] had you wrapped around his stupid, little finger and I could do nothing but watch. I was sick on watching! I did the only thing I could think of: leave. There was so much pent up resentment towards you in that instance that the only thing I could do was cry. It was the most embarrassing thing I had ever been through. And to think you were my best friend who could NEVER cause any pain to me. You said you cared about me. You told me [redacted] meant NOTHING to you. You said you would break things off with him for the last time! These were all lies, of course. How could you give up a guy that gave you attention no one else could? In a way, I understand. But you're a senior, you're leaving in a few months? How long do you think this thing with [redacted] will last? I've heard the things he's said to you and you are not the only one to have heard those words from him. He's a hurt boy who's struggled with life in more ways that either of us has. I don't blame him for falling for the one person I loved more than anything in the world. I just wish you had learned how to use your time. If you knew how to handle more than one relationship at a time I would still be by your side. I wouldn't be stuck writing this damn essay on my laptop if you had simply listened to me and made time for the one person that loved you beyond anything in the world. I hope this is something to think about. 0 Comments

12/09/2017 02:17 AM  checkmate Current mood:  numb You think you're funny right? Calling me drunk when it's too late at night Telling me truths that you know all are lies Yeah, you think you're funny right You think you're super sly Flirting with them but telling me you're mine Building me up, but buttercup you lied Now I'm gonna ruin your life 'Cause I've gotten tired of the games that you play When you tell me you love me then you throw me away So cry me a river till you drown in the lake 'Cause you may think you're winning but checkmate Yeah you may think you're winning but checkmate Now this is getting fun I saw you kissing someone else's tongue You said that I'm the only one you love Baby this is getting fun I'll let you think you won Date in the park I'll play it super dumb Holding your hand but in the other one I'm holding a loaded gun Yeah baby you should really run 'Cause I've gotten tired of the games that you play When you tell me you love me then you throw me away So cry me a river till you drown in the lake 'Cause you may think you're winning but checkmate Yeah you may think you're winning but check And I'm gonna get you gone Can't play me like your pawn Set fire to your lawn Just like you did to my heart And I'mma wreck your car (and I'mma wreck your car) And max your credit cards (and max your credit cards) A lover on the large (a lover on the large) You're gonna wish you never harmed me Cause I've gotten tired of the games that you play When you tell me you love me then you throw me away So cry me a river till you drown in the lake 'Cause you may think you're winning but checkmate And you did some damage so I'm making you pay And no one's ever gonna love you anyways 'Cause you're just a narcissist who's totally fake Yeah you may think you're winning this heartbreak But you aren't gonna win it 'cause checkmate 0 Comments

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