melancholy
Current mood:  melancholy

melancholy:a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

just finished reading jaden's blog. it was nice. i didnt realize it but it was making me smile. then i started to cry.
i dont know why.
im still crying.
it was around the part where he was talking about houses that i started to tear up. its nice to have someone be so happy about anything. i still cant believe i can make someone so happy.
i feel bad for him at times. it seems like in jaden's mind, his future with me is bright.
i cant deny, it feels nice having my name next to words like "happy" & "love". never thought itd be possible.
but since i can remember, ive always seen my future as something dark. i try, i honestly try to imitate his cheerfulness.
sometimes i do daydream about us. our journey. the first time we meet, our first date, marriage, and whatever comes after. its nice. i dig deep inside and bring out happy maggie. 
..but they never stay for too long.
they leave. im left blank.
im always left blank.
thats when sadness creeps in.
its always there. it comes when it wants to.
like yesterday. i was having a good time talking to jaden. i was making fart noises for him. i was watching him laugh. he looked so happy.
then it just creeped in. that emptiness and sadness came in. i felt it. i felt it take over my whole body. i wanted to cry. suddenly this little cheerful person i was watching on my screen was the saddest thing i'd seen in my life. i couldnt match his joy. 
its odd. he stares back, but theres nothing to look at. its empty. no one is there looking back at him. its gonna be like that when he sees me physically. he'll be looking at something thats empty. 
emptiness and sadness never leave. 
ive been feeling pretty empty since then. the feeling is bigger now. 
thats when thoughts come in. earlier today i was at the doctors office. 9th floor. all i could see was my hair flowing freely and me hitting the ground. the images wouldnt stop. they kept playing over and over...

i try. ive always tried to make this thing inside me go away but it doesnt want to. its part of me and i cant understand it. thats why its so hard to explain it all to someone who loves me. 
"what can i do?"
the truth is. i dont have the answer to that.
ever since this thing has been with me, my job has been to search for an answer for others. but there is none. even if i found one, they wouldnt understand. they never do, they always fail. thats why i gave up on explaining.
sadness is there. it'll always be there. it has no cause.
its just here with me.
its me.