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i am once again making a blog post
Category: Real Life
Current mood:
 pugnacious
actually, i'm not feeling very pugnacious at the moment, but i think it's a funny word and arguments are always fun, so that'll be the mood i choose.
i suppose with this blog post the point is to do the same thing the last ones did which is just to kind of ramble and use this dumb thing as a journal because screaming onto a social media void somehow feels much more internally satisfying than writing something down on a paper void. it's about up to par with drawing something out, if i can ever find a good way to do "Vent Art" in a way that makes sense and it isn't dolliegutz level disgusting lmao
there's a bunch of random thoughts swirling around at the moment. i'm probably the best i've ever been when it comes to mental health, not completely depressed or suicidal or loathing my self, but not a delusional narcissist (as most children tend to be, but i was a special brand of insane with it as a little kid lol). So that's good!! But when you're at the top, it's weird how anxiety changes from a sense of "ill always be here" when ur on the bottom (gay position references lenny face) to more of a feeling that everything you're standing on is inevitably going to crumble. like ur just eyeing waiting for everything to go wrong. like right now, i'm only a few months away from being a legal adult and having to go to college and like do taxes and get a job and all that and it's freaking scary!! i feel like i'm only mediocre in everything i try, not bad at anything, but not good enough to excel in any one career. but i absolutely cannot imagine myself doing a career that i dont have complete passion for, like i'd fail very quicky bc i dont have the work ethic to do something i dont wanna do lmfao flop vibes
i could really go for a can of rootbeer rn
settles for lemon lime
okay continuing on the stream-of-consciousness word spewing, i also am feeling really lonely. This is good though because it's not a loneliness in the sense of "i need someone else to be happy or to tell me i'm good enough", i spent years on that and thank god it's gone. Now it's just like, "hey im doing nice but it would be really cool to have someone to cuddle with and go on (SOCIALLY DISTANCED!! DONT BE A RATLICKER!!) dates with". like emotionally horny hours LMAO but at least it's not self-worth crisis anymore. I do really miss the guy i fell in love with in freshman year though, its been 3 yrs now but im still kinda lowkey in love with him but it's like a distant "i still love you" more than an "im deeply in love" i guess. and technically its been about 4 years since i've been in a real relationship and let's be real the 8th grade one shouldn't count for that much FKFSKBFSDFSDFKJ. I'm already discounting the like 20 week long flings that i broke off, but i guess the one 3 month long fling where i got broken up with gets counted---- and i yikes--- LMAO
~let's continue~
starting a pokemon shield nuzlocke tonight, should be fun! I've also been watching food wars, and recently im trying to get back into some old hobbies namely being an Overwatch whore (Stan Orisa! Best girl, the only Cop I trust!) and also going to the library to pick up some books and start reading a lot over senior year :) i'm losing interest in a lot of hobbies quick so i guess it's time to read and study and see what kind of new person i'm becoming or what i'm going to do with my life if other stuff doesn't really pan out how i'm hoping
we going through discoveries friendproject, we DISCOVERIN~
i think overall just missing a lot of people and a lot of hobbies and childish hopes, when right now the loss of so many boys i loved, friends i really enjoyed, and the loss of hope i'll be able to achieve my goals, etc, while mentally i'm doing well when it comes to my own self-worth and attitude, i guess in terms of predictions for the future and stuff and how the WORLD is going overall with war and politics and COVID, there's just this existential looming dread and fear rn.
SO THATS PRETTY COOKYWACKY lol anyone wanna get pugnacious about it?
this has been your daily dose of internet oversharing from a faux intellectual faggot lookin 4 luv B) dont have much else to say except STREAM SURVIVOR MICHIGAN SEASON 3 and INFINITY TRAIN SEASON 3 BOTH OF WHICH HAVE BEEN AMAZING AS SEASON 3S OF GREAT SHOWS TEND TO BE SO YAAAAA k im out byeeeee
sailor moon pose
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