what does success look like?
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  anxious

i am going back to college next month but during this time I've thought a lot about how my future looks and what I want. Ive seen many videos and people saying that college is a waste of time and money. I know there's a lot of opportunities out there for me if I put in the time and effort but idk what I see myself doing. My mom asked me, "do you see yourself doing psychology for the rest of your life?" If I'm honest, no, I dont see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life. 

What I do know for sure Is that i want to travel the world and meet people. I want to make memories and learn more about what the world has to offer. I want to get out of my comfort zone and go out there. Ive closed myself off for too long. I purposely isolate myself from everyone to "focus on school". While that is true to some extent, i also do it bc I'm scared of interacting with others and putting myself out there. I have severe social anxiety and i didn't even get a job this summer bc i dreaded the idea of doing an interview. 

I am just tired of feeling lonely, helpless and like a burden to myself. I want to be comfortable with who i am, i want to grow as a person. College did offer me insight into something that was different, doing clubs, getting a job, even going to parties has made me realize i like being independent, i like not feeling restrained. Honestly, it helped me become more comfortable with myself allowing me to express who i am better. But now i dont see college doing that for me anymore. I want to get a regular job, meet people, and get a place of my own, but i dont want to disappoint my family or myself bc everyone has this high expectation from me, I also hold myself to high standard so its probably my fault for beating myself up so much that I feel like giving up. Idk if I'm giving up or if I'm realizing that i dont have to do what everyone expects me to do. but at the same time i dont want to end up like my parents. What do i do? 

I blame myself everyday for everything, why i dont have that many friends, why i cant get a long with people, why its so hard for me to get a job, why i hate my body, why i am unable to push myself to become a better version of myself. i want to change ,myself for the better but idk how or where to start. I just want to be happy and proud of who i am and what i have in life and the things ive earned.