vent...
Current mood:  depressed

i really hate venting but i know that here barely anyone will see,,

lately everything just doesnt feel right. sometimes nothing even feels real idk how to explain it. i had a massive mental brteakdown the other night, all i could think of were those years and years of a**se that woman put me through, it felt like i was feeling everything all over again and it felt like it was all happening right in front of me all over again. i really hurt myself to due to the flashbacks. life is going downhill im going insane. all i do is sit around all day doing nothing but headbang to death metal, draw and sit in the shower when i have 8 classes to get finished before 10th grade. im falling so far behind theres so much stress put on to me at once. ive attempted suicide maybe 3 times in the past 2 weeks. maybe even 4 times. idk what to do i cant get out i feel lost i feel trapped like im drowning under water. then theres him.. he maks me so happy yet, i feel the need to push him away. i feel the need to push everyone away i just.. cant trust people. i never have but the feeling is so intense this time around. alcohol, porn, music and sleep is probably the only things keeping me going still. i feel so ashamed for thinking and being this way. im just selfish and annoying. alone, disgusting. im broke too, i have no money i cant go outside im still on probation even after 2 years since i got out of juvy.. idk what to do anymore.. i lost it havent i..