FriendProject.net

why is harley quinn so f***ing hot hubba hubba

Hey lol I'm still here

Sooooooo I've been in a weird state of mind. Good, reflective. As I type, I'm wondering if I actually want to put all of this on the internet. Normally, I don't hesitate much to share my state of mind but idk...momentarily self conscious. Okay, maybe I'm self conscious 24/7 but at least 20 seconds ago, I wasn't feeling AS self conscious lolSometimes, I feel concerned that I'm as self conscious as I am at this point in my life...like shouldn't I have outgrown this? I guess by that logic, I should have outgrown more habits aghhhhh...Currently consuming a curry so spicy it's nearly making me cough.Anyhow, I was in this frame of mind that was singularly good for thinking about chronic emotional issues I've had and in vague, general ways, assessing what needs to change. It was good. Cathartic. Actually verbalizing issues that I've downplayed. Not feeling cripplingly emotionally involved in figuring stuff out.I don't want to go into too much cuz that's scary haha Basically, I'm a fraidy cat. Surprising, I know (yes, that's sarcasm).I feel like my fears are way too central to living as myself. There's always something to be concerned about and frequently something to freak out over in my world. It ranges from losing my nerve to just continue being myself creatively, to worrying how others perceive me on the internet (yes, I get hate here and there), to being afraid to be in awkward social situations with a) people I'm supposed to know better than I do for how long I've known them, b) just your average barista, c) literally a person I don't know that I have to briefly share the sidewalk with (I feel like suburban sidewalks are more awkward than city ones where you expect people to be there every hour of the day). There are tons of other little situations that are mountainous in my world. It's normal to try to pretend to be normal. Find a way to not let on that things that are normal situations for others are skills I've successfully avoided learning for too many years and would be really embarrassed to let on that I don't know yet. I'm rambling and having a hard time picturing people being interested in reading this but I kinda wanna write it for myself. I'm just glad that as I write, I haven't announced this blog on my insta and nOone kNoWs AboUt thIs muahahahahahaIt's not okay to be this way. It's not okay to be so afraid all the time. How to stop?So many other similar problems to this. I can't get it out of my head that I'm not pressed for time. I can't settle down to better myself academically just for the joy/accomplishment of it. I can spend hours doing other stupid things but I'm scared to devote time to reading books. I'm scared that it will time away from other things I want to accomplish. Sounds dumb as I'm writing it. I'm scared to waste time watching chick flicks except when I'm absolutely good for nothing laid up with a headache. I lack the focus to study stuff I like (languages, math) or learn new physical skills (mostly exercise related).I hesitate to do things now, like I'm waiting for the right moment and it feels wrong to just start. I worry that if I begin, I'll just not be consistent which would be disappointing. So much to unpack. There's much more baggage. I don't need to put it here, now. I feel reluctant to post any of this. I don't believe I need to be honest about any of this publicly. I feel like people wouldn't want to know what a rain cloud I can be. Of course, I can be a rainbow too. Sometimes, being on insta just feels like being a clown that no one wants to see sad, though. I'm not saying people don't have the right to not want to see me sad haha but it isn't exactly pleasant to think about people being put off by my being sad. Anyway, I have lots of feelings and I'd like to think that maybe I'll get to write about some good ones here too but I am pretty private about my philosophical theories on positive things. I also love knowing that I am obligated to absolutely no one as regards my innermost thoughts. I never used to be this private haha. I used to be extremely open and I suppose I've lived long enough to realize what a liability that is. Writing lyrics is a nice way to present unpresentable thoughts :)

do you ever sit back and reflect on the choices you've made throughout your life, and think about how much you want to go back and redo some things. we always say "I don't regret anything, but if I could go back and change somethings I would" like isn't that the same thing as having regrets?????? i feel like we should be more accepting of our regrets because without them we would probably be making the same stupid decision over and over again without learning something. its okay to be regretful, its okay to wish you could go back and do, or maybe not do, whatever it is that you did, or didn't do. i always say to myself i wish i could go back in time and be as outgoing as i am now, but then i realize IM OUTGOING RIGHT NOW. i can do whatever it is i wished to do back then, right now!!! its confusing, its contradicting, its all of the above but i guess what im saying is that being regretful is totally acceptable, but dont get TOO wrapped up in them, just make the change you wish you did back then. idk if this made any sense but oh well. 

ON G I haven't logged in in such a while, tbh school has been lowkey killing me. Ever since we went online, work has managed to pill up and my motivation has decreased. I feel like I'm not learning anything tbh, I also feel as if I'm simply forcing myself to turn in assignments instead of learning. I don't really blame my professors. I know this is all new to them, but at the same time, they somehow need to realize we are lowkey dying. This pandemic hella booty, I hate how some people here really are going out to parties and not wear any masks bc they don't believe in rona. Like man wtf, you're causing the whole nation to perish for your stupid selfish beliefs. My state might go back on lockdown too like I'm not surprised either. The counties that are causing us to increase in cases are filled with stupid ass Millenials. Like fy you stupid bitch yo boat party can wait until spring. 

my girlfriend recommended this site to me tonight, and i'm excited to use it.i really hate modern social media. i feel exhausted all the goddamn time on twitter, instagram, etc, and i can barely handle tumblr with dozens of add-ons to modulate my experience. i was never able to use myspace when it was popular (i was just a smidge too young), but i was still primarily using proboards forums, old youtube, ff.net, and classic tumblr... places where web 2.0 didn't catch on until i was in my mid-teens.i miss the old internet. it was a space where a weirdo transgender autistic plural system could catch a break. maybe this is gonna be an easier place to handle than the rest of the new internet.hi, everyone!

day 15: american psycho dir mary harron9/10yeah this movie is beautifully shot and scripted and directed and it has cool surrealist themes and whatever but more importantly why r we all ignoring patrick bateman for sluttiest scream queen?? im sick of it. give him the credit he deserves. (yeah ik hes kills people but also. WHATEVER hes not real and hes a whore and idk so what i wanna f*** the represenation for the unaccountability for the rich white elites and the horrible things they do, especially mistreating those with much less power than them. so what. so what i wanna f*** him. so what i wanna kill him with my hands. leave me alone)anyway its craxy how they made a movie from the book that that weird psychotic jock in riverdale wrote

day 14: curseddir. wes craven10/10this movie is... everything. it is a f***ing mess. it is a story of a throuple in coming together. it is a tale of power, and of passion. it is the greatest wereworlf movie ever made. it is the only movie starring jesse eisenbergs straight spiky anime boy hair. it is everything you could ever want and more than you could ever dream. and yes- it is sexy. so if you couldnt tell, i f***ing love this movie. i love this movie so goddamn much. is that bc i think jesse eisenberg and christina richie are thottie hotties? maybe. is it because i only like sh*tty, terribly produced horror? perhaps. is it because a wewolf gives the camera the middle finger? absolutely.  its one of my cult faves, and it is absolutetly ridiculous. i geniunly cant even say what is so special about it, its like evrythig went wrong but in such a right way. like yes, there are dream sequences that go nowhere, and yes, there are so may threads that are completely dropped, but answer me this. have u ever seen christina ricci kill her sh*tty werewolf boyfriend, huge? didnt fucing think soif you’re a virg don’t watch this film (or any other of my recs). u need to get your d*ck wet to understand it. like if u don’t find twinkie little femboys, repressed jocks or goth girls hot u will have a bad time. not watching the movie, just in life. also you have to be kinda fruity. maybe not a full on fag but like, you can’t be 100% hetero and enjoy this sh*t (or any of my other recs). anyway despite all the sh*t that went wrong in production, this movie is so much fun. i cant lie, when i watch it, i get a warm feeling, and i dont think any halloween trash fest is complete without this film. it holds a special place in my heart, and it always will ♥ it also has my fav quote in any movie ever:  Jimmy Myers: No, I'm not gay, I'm cursed! Bo: I know it must feel like that sometimes... Jimmy Myers: No, I'm cursed by the Mark of the Beast!

day 13: the witchdir robert egers8.5/10she sure is a witch. uh. yeah to be honest i saw this one a while ago and i dont remember much?? all i know is i want to be her friend aybe dance m=naked in the woods. idk ♥

day 12: hereditary dir ari aster8.5/10available on netflix and like every single i113g41 streaming site i know ok. i know its basic. i know its overhyped. i f***ikg know. the cycles of trauma got to me alright. anyway heres my dumb personal analysis of the film the first thing i think of when i think of hereditary is mental illness. and it’s easy to see that in the film- the grandmother to the mother to the son and daughter- i tried to stop it but she wouldn’t let me. she got to the daughter too soon. how many times have i thought about going to my sisters funeral. how many times as a suicidal member of my family been found my someone else. how many times did we brush past it, learning nothing at all, no one taking any responsibility for anything. how many times have we believed in god and angels and visions of the dead before we believed in psychosis and hard sh*t and trauma. my mother uses essential oils. my mother, the cancer survivior uses essential oils. i go to a child’s social worker for therapy. me, the pyschotic teen, goes to a children’s social worker.instead of dealing with sh*t, we bury it. we put it in art. we put it in violence. other people tell us that we are normal. that we are strange. that they can fix us.  that we are unfixable. they are outsiders. they are insiders. it feels like there’s a curse on your family and they’d probably believe it before believing in the cycle of trauma. my great grandmother crawls over the dead bodies of children at her school. my grandfather has depression. he tries to kill himself. he keeps trying. his brothers do the same. his brother in law succeeds. my mom forgets everything always writing it off and shredding it. i continue to exist.if i didn’t get it i was gonna get it anyway. if i didn’t come about it on my own it would come to me and keep coming to me, like a dead fish rising in a lake. you try to make it. if you write it down that means it’s worth reading. it means it all meant something. it was all for something. it was all art.  or maybe it was all just a sad thing that happened. and maybe that’s too much.hereditary does a good job or showing familial trauma and illness. we are all infected by each other. and that’s why we are the only people who can understand each other. you open your mouth and your sisters voice comes out. your mother hates her mother even though she fails to see her own transformation- one day she looks in the mirror and flinches, waiting for the hand to fall. 

day 11: p dir paul spurrier9.5/10available on netflix (i tried to find it somewhere else for free but there isnt a huge online presecne for the film :(( demon prostitute pedo killing lesbian witch of my dreamsit’s gory & glossy & glam, like a combination of jennifer’s body & burlesque & the ring.ever seen a man get his d*ck bitten off by a snake? or a slow burn dyke relationship between two woc in a horror? or a sexy old magic man? i have. and i will again bc this is now one of my top horror films. only took one point off bc (major spoiler) 1/2 of the lesbian couple gets gutted :(( 

day 10: unfriended: dark webdir. stephan susco6/10available free on seriesonline.ioi would literally drill a hole into my skull for friends like this. love this move love how insane and weird it allows itself to get!! the only thing i dislike is some of the pacing and the ending (though it is totally unexpected and exciting, i just personally didnt find it satisfying) but sum of the kills were rlly creative so its def worth a watch even if its just the kill countmatias4besthorrorsob 

yeah i forgot to do these again but i just got out of a depressive eipsode and then i stayed up for a day and a half and now ? im manic and drank 8 cus of coffe  lets go ladiesday 9: the slumber party massacredir. amy holden jones sr: rita mae brown 7/10available free herebig boobs bigger fake outs. ngl tho it felt kinda exciting counting all the fake scares!!! as of this im counting about 7 and we are 30 mins in. would make a great drinking game (update: just got high out of my f***inh mind like 40 mins in i f***ing love this movie) its one of those flicks you leave on in the background while youre doing your hair or texting or something. mindless and fun to look at, with some funny lines thrown in every few minutes, and enough tit and batsh*t shenanigans to keep your attention  ok i just saw the fridge gag. slumber party massacre king of comedyfinal diagnoses: good if yr like me and kinda terrible but also rlly fun 80s horror is yr fav genre 

What are these lollipops called? My brother and I just had an arguement b/c he calls them "Sweatie Pops" Like wtf is a sweatie pop? I just call them lollipops, cuz i dont know if they have a name. Anyway, do u call the Sweatie Pops, or Lollipops?

we didnt talk a ton today except we texted a tiny bit in the morning and she called me at about 12:50 and we spent the night together, which was really nice:) she was feeling pretty bad today, so i tried to give her space. i wish there was more i could do for her or to help her when shes feeling like this. it makes me sad to know how much she has to deal with, but im glad ik how shes feeling. i love her so much. the stuffie she got me came today!!! omg its so cute! i love it so much. i fell asleep hugging it which was so nice and maggie said i looked cute:)