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Lately (like the last week or two), I`ve been in the mood to reread fifty shades of grey. But it seems I cant find  my copy anywhere. I guess I gotta tear through my room again.

i had a dream about robots last night. wouldnt it be f***ed up if robots with "sentience" were real and were peacefully assimilated and accepted into society but were literally just government wiretaps? i think that would be pretty crazy lol

wow i really went into this thinking i knew what i wanted to talk about LOL just forgotanyway im still hereim thinking about abandoning tunglr and just moving here or somewhere similar tumblr makes me huge f***ing zzz to be on its one of those sites where i feel like i literally cant find a clique i feel like i fit into ppl r liek ohhh you shouldnt be on it anyway because f***ing band member discourse or some dum sh*t like that nah theyre just annoying thats it reallyon tumbly i feel more like im entertaining an audience than making friends and im fine with having an audience but the audience is also like consisting entirely of drug test monkeys with knives and im wearing a gross wife beater exposing my hairy fat white man tummy and theres a dotted line directly over where my entrails should be and theyre eyeing it at all timesim over-dramatic i guess but itz kinda hard to keep e-relationships strong i dropped my main social media and im scavenging for somewhere i can stay the only contact i have with my friends is thru discord and some of them have like, my handle on some obscure clown fetish sites or something like thati do have a lot of friends irl i guess but they dont want to do the same sort of things that i feel comfy doing with my e-pals and ok i sound like Im Not Like Ohter Girls so im just gonna stop talkingaghghhg why does my anxiety have to ruin all the time i get to myself! i have this week off and i just want to get comf and have fun but i cant help but just fear for having to not be on vacation anymore its f***ed upidk thats abt it

you know i guess theres a point where you have to realize youre being f***ing stupid and you cant keep going thru life with these stupid dumb ass sh*thead ideas youve been carrying around like little mental tapeworms all up in this unpleasant female of a brainyou know me im always f***ing back and forth with myself my skulls like a steel cage and my brains like two methed up chimpanzees fighting for dominanceand ive realized thats bad and i should stopim just saying im gonna stop being f***ing stupid thats it really

my saccharine sweetness gives every tooth in your mouth a cavitybut that's just the way i like iti want you to know my affection but if this all you can offerthen i'm sold, sweetheartI think Mr. McCartney said it best"she thinks of him and so she dresses in black"not out of causality, but of simple coincidence quite simply, i think of youquite simply, i dress in blackquite simply, i love youand thanks about the hairi know it's pretty radicalabby x

Is it normal to want to make out with your friends? Cause like, if it’s not- hahahahaha, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just don’t want to get my heart broken. :,)

im pretty bored and i dont know whats interesting about me that like, happens in my life but i am pretty fond of these features theyre cute sexyi saw two deer in my yard the other day, like right outside my window so thats coolis this site run by catholics? not judging just curious

someone: are you hungry right now?me: nothem: *throws away the food i was planning on eating later*why is god cruel to me

so is this like facebook except less corporate information collect-y and centric on scene teens?i don't know whats happening how do i use this site 8(

     I did not sleep good last night. I couldn't sleep in and then when I tried to keep sleeping, I just couldn't sleep anymore. My boyfriend is currently taking a nap. I tried to take a nap with him, but yet again, I could not fall back asleep so f*** it! I'm going to go to my parents house after he wakes up and get those American Girl Doll books. I want to get some food too while I'm at it. We have like no food in the house right now. It really sucks ass. I am so hungry!        So I woke up this morning and checked my bank account to see if I had enough money for food and discovered that I have a random 100$ in my bank account. What the f***? How did that happen? It wasn't there a few days ago and I am not currently working....maybe one of my taxes came back? I have no idea but it's a blessing because I could really use that money right now. I just ran out of money a few days ago and I really needed more. I don't know yet what I am gong to use it for though. I mean defiantly stuff that I need. I've been wanting to get some books now though too.        I ended up getting those books from my parents house. I don't think that I got all of them though. I really want to go to the dollar tree and get more books. I have a whole bookshelf full of books, but I love to read. I can never have too many books. Books make me feel happy. I love to escape from reality into these awesome stories people write. Some books are better than others, but I will pretty much read anything. I won't read fiction books though. I don't like reading stuff that have facts and information in them. I tend to loose interest in books like that are informational. I would rather read a made up story than a text book. Depending on the story though, I will read books if they are true stories, but I only don't like them if they are in text book form. If it's a story that is based off of a real one, then that is different. I f***ing love reading books. When I am done reading a book I send it my moms way in case she want's to read the book or add it to her books for children in her class to read. Some of the books I give her she can't put in her classroom because they are inappropriate for children of that age, but a lot of the books that I choose to read, are books that are directed at younger ages. I like reading children chapter books because they are super easy reads and they are innocent stories. I really don't like reading books that involve sex or anything like that. When I was in middle school I liked to read books like that because I was curious about sex and was a virgin at the time, so back then I liked the dirty detailed sh*t. Now that I've had sex a million times, it's not as interesting to me anymore. Sex isn't that great. I mean it's great, but it's not THAT great. I mean, I could live without it for several months no problem. My sex drive isn't what it used to be. I like innocent stories and easy reads so children's chapter books are great books for me to read. I've been reading the American Girl Doll books recently. They are super easy reads and cute little stories about the dolls. I grew up with those dolls. My grandma used to work at American Girl so she won all these dolls by working there. I have a sh*t tone of them. I went online to see how much a doll costed and it was really expensive. She doesn't want me touching any of them yet. I understand that though. They are collectors items. They will be worth a lot of money in the future if they are not messed with. I messed with them a little bit back in the day, but that was a long time ago. They are all pretty much in good condition. The only ones that aren't are the ones that I had growing up which was Kit, Josefina, and bitty baby. I played with them a lot so their hair isn't all that great. I don't know why the use horse hair instead of just using real human hair. They might as well use real human hair for how expensive they are. Some of the dolls I have seen online sell for like 300$! That is a lot of money just for a doll. Esp a doll that's hair will get all ratty when it is played with a lot. Now that I am older, I really don't care for the dolls much. I mainly just care about the books on them. They all come with a book about them and explaining their life and their heritage. It's pretty interesting. Josefina is a Hispanic girl from mexico from many many years ago. Her story is rather interesting. I have the whole series on her, Kit, and Samantha. The other girls I only have the first book. That's ok though. I have so many American Girl books that it will keep me busy for awhile. I have 3 of the Hop Scotch girls too but I could only find the one book. I don't know what I did with the other 2 books. I wish I knew where they were or I would have grabbed them but I couldn't find them and I didn't want to mess up the basement. My mom would have gotten mad at me.       I've been drinking a lot lately. I was planning on getting sh*t faced tonight, but then I changed my mind. I just ain't really feeling it tonight. I just want to sit down and read my books. I love to get drunk, but I like to read even more. Sometimes I will drink and read at the same time, but the only problem with that is if I drink too much, I won't remember what I had just read. That has never happened to me before but still. I know when to cut myself off now. I really don't like getting hangovers so I only drink to a certain point. I drink to the point that I am super drunk, but not so drunk I will be hung over the next day. Being hung over sucks ass! I hate being hung over like that. As you get older you get more and more hung over. Its f***ing stupid but its true. 

What a beautiful collections of used cards I've become.The piles of hand written notes consume my mind constantly.Every waking hour is spent meticulously grieving over your hand.The words I heard you say, were not words of a lover, but a former one. and I remember our first night, out in the cold, full of life. full of love. now we're full of something else.

Maybe certain people aren't supposed to exist cos they don't contribute anything to the world. They just take and take and hurt through negligence or deliberance

       Oh my god! I just found out that my transgender friend was arrested last night! It doesn't feel real to me. I found out from someone who I used to work with (her name is also Lauren). Paige told me she was in trouble because she had a child abuse charge. I'm not one to judge when it comes to sh*t like that because I made a mistake last year and ended up getting a domestic violence charge due to my really bad anger problems. That doesn't make me a bad person though. I just have anger issues that have never been taken care of when I was growing up. Anyways, she told me that she was having these issues but failed to mention that she was also getting charged with child pornography. My boyfriend went to prison and we were watching one of those prison show's one day and I asked him "Why is this girl lying about being in there for child abuse?" and he told me that she was lying because if the people in jail found out the real reason she was in there, she would get her ass beat, bullied really badly, or even worse! Killed. Now I am worried that she will end up getting into a lot of trouble in there with the inmates. I hope she doesn't tell people the real reason she is in there or else she is f***ed! To make matters even worse, she is a transgender women. She will already get heat for all of that sh*t being in there unless she doesn't tell anyone this information either. Man! I'm so worried about her now! People make mistakes! We are not perfect. She should not of bail jumped though either. She might be in there for a long time... bless her soul. It's punishment enough to be in jail for a f*** up, but its really bad if inmates don't like you and want to make your life a living hell. This is the link that my coworker sent me: https://www.channel3000.com/news/crime/man-arrested-on-child-porn-charges-also-on-bond-in-child-abuse-case/1031743797?fbclid=IwAR2ynYRpf92JZdjg83VrDmS6nZUtqv0KmUtjxjYG2PYL4WkBxmu6BD_JiuM       It's day three with my angel bites and the one that I just did yesterday is bugging me like crazy. I forgot how annoying the healing process is when you get a piercing. When you get a new piercing it is super irritated for the first few days and it sucks! I really wanted to do it though so I did it. If it really starts to bother me though I will just take it out. I doubt that I will, but ya never know.        I am getting so sick of winter. It is really kicking my ass. It hasn't really bothered me all that much until recently. I have been hit with laziness really hard. I was doing so good! I was on top of cleaning the apartment all of the time and then all of the sudden, SPLAT! My energy and motivation just totally disappeared! That isn't the only reason the winter is kicking my ass though. I am also constantly having problems getting in and out of the driveway every time I want to leave the house. It keeps snowing so I end up getting stuck and can't get out, or I am able to get out and can't get back in so I am forced to park some where else near by. It's bullsh*t! The landlord should be paying someone to come every time that it snows and have that sh*t taken care of but no. All us residents have to shovel. I find that ridiculous. I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that I shouldn't have to do that. I can understand shoveling your own parking spot, but yesterday me and my dad were outside shoveling the entire driveway. He was not happy. In-fact, he was f***ing pissed the hell off. I only asked him because I'm a tiny girl. How does the landlord expect someone my size to shovel all that snow? When I was trying to shovel that one day for Korri to be able to go home, I was doing it all by myself and barely got much done within 30 minutes or so. It can be really frustrating sometimes. Summer can't come soon enough for me. I mean, I can wait because I like my winter outfits and sh*t, but mentally I am happier and healthier in the summer time.       

It cannot be assumed that one's identity is known.By oneself, by others, by the gods of old.Anything that creates a feeling of pure inspiration and joyIs how I prefer to self-identify.I've spent years growing up,Losing sight of my self.MY self.As we age, we are forced to forget and pretend.Unlike the make believe we played as children,This new game is not fun.I'm tired of pretending to be an adult.I never wanted this life.  I didn't ask for this.All I wantedWasTo createAnd perform.

i play dnd with my friend Aisha and we dm separate campaigns for eachother, and yesterday she was the one DMing her campaignand she introduced the villain which was like... magically chained up in some necklace artifact thing or something?and i walk in there seeing this big spooky no-faced cloaked guy with a thousand names and voices and im like"but what if hes nice"so i unchain him and he poofed off somewhere, vowing to destroy the world.Oopsthis isnt the first time i tried to make friends with monsters,while i was doing a guard job for the town i live in, i was supposed to catch some banditsand i actually found one of them in a net, but i didn't know she was one of the bandits, so i helped her downand then when i turned around she hit me in the back of the head and knocked me out.when i woke up i was in the middle of an orc camp tied up, but i mean, hey! everyone has their bad days.so i told the orc mom her soup was really good, and eventually they let me go.