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02/23/2019 02:57 PM 

Journal # 46

     I did not sleep good last night. I couldn't sleep in and then when I tried to keep sleeping, I just couldn't sleep anymore. My boyfriend is currently taking a nap. I tried to take a nap with him, but yet again, I could not fall back asleep so f*** it! I'm going to go to my parents house after he wakes up and get those American Girl Doll books. I want to get some food too while I'm at it. We have like no food in the house right now. It really sucks ass. I am so hungry!        So I woke up this morning and checked my bank account to see if I had enough money for food and discovered that I have a random 100$ in my bank account. What the f***? How did that happen? It wasn't there a few days ago and I am not currently working....maybe one of my taxes came back? I have no idea but it's a blessing because I could really use that money right now. I just ran out of money a few days ago and I really needed more. I don't know yet what I am gong to use it for though. I mean defiantly stuff that I need. I've been wanting to get some books now though too.        I ended up getting those books from my parents house. I don't think that I got all of them though. I really want to go to the dollar tree and get more books. I have a whole bookshelf full of books, but I love to read. I can never have too many books. Books make me feel happy. I love to escape from reality into these awesome stories people write. Some books are better than others, but I will pretty much read anything. I won't read fiction books though. I don't like reading stuff that have facts and information in them. I tend to loose interest in books like that are informational. I would rather read a made up story than a text book. Depending on the story though, I will read books if they are true stories, but I only don't like them if they are in text book form. If it's a story that is based off of a real one, then that is different. I f***ing love reading books. When I am done reading a book I send it my moms way in case she want's to read the book or add it to her books for children in her class to read. Some of the books I give her she can't put in her classroom because they are inappropriate for children of that age, but a lot of the books that I choose to read, are books that are directed at younger ages. I like reading children chapter books because they are super easy reads and they are innocent stories. I really don't like reading books that involve sex or anything like that. When I was in middle school I liked to read books like that because I was curious about sex and was a virgin at the time, so back then I liked the dirty detailed sh*t. Now that I've had sex a million times, it's not as interesting to me anymore. Sex isn't that great. I mean it's great, but it's not THAT great. I mean, I could live without it for several months no problem. My sex drive isn't what it used to be. I like innocent stories and easy reads so children's chapter books are great books for me to read. I've been reading the American Girl Doll books recently. They are super easy reads and cute little stories about the dolls. I grew up with those dolls. My grandma used to work at American Girl so she won all these dolls by working there. I have a sh*t tone of them. I went online to see how much a doll costed and it was really expensive. She doesn't want me touching any of them yet. I understand that though. They are collectors items. They will be worth a lot of money in the future if they are not messed with. I messed with them a little bit back in the day, but that was a long time ago. They are all pretty much in good condition. The only ones that aren't are the ones that I had growing up which was Kit, Josefina, and bitty baby. I played with them a lot so their hair isn't all that great. I don't know why the use horse hair instead of just using real human hair. They might as well use real human hair for how expensive they are. Some of the dolls I have seen online sell for like 300$! That is a lot of money just for a doll. Esp a doll that's hair will get all ratty when it is played with a lot. Now that I am older, I really don't care for the dolls much. I mainly just care about the books on them. They all come with a book about them and explaining their life and their heritage. It's pretty interesting. Josefina is a Hispanic girl from mexico from many many years ago. Her story is rather interesting. I have the whole series on her, Kit, and Samantha. The other girls I only have the first book. That's ok though. I have so many American Girl books that it will keep me busy for awhile. I have 3 of the Hop Scotch girls too but I could only find the one book. I don't know what I did with the other 2 books. I wish I knew where they were or I would have grabbed them but I couldn't find them and I didn't want to mess up the basement. My mom would have gotten mad at me.       I've been drinking a lot lately. I was planning on getting sh*t faced tonight, but then I changed my mind. I just ain't really feeling it tonight. I just want to sit down and read my books. I love to get drunk, but I like to read even more. Sometimes I will drink and read at the same time, but the only problem with that is if I drink too much, I won't remember what I had just read. That has never happened to me before but still. I know when to cut myself off now. I really don't like getting hangovers so I only drink to a certain point. I drink to the point that I am super drunk, but not so drunk I will be hung over the next day. Being hung over sucks ass! I hate being hung over like that. As you get older you get more and more hung over. Its f***ing stupid but its true. 

mikey misery

02/22/2019 05:29 PM 

sugar, honey, ice, tea.

What a beautiful collections of used cards I've become.The piles of hand written notes consume my mind constantly.Every waking hour is spent meticulously grieving over your hand.The words I heard you say, were not words of a lover, but a former one. and I remember our first night, out in the cold, full of life. full of love. now we're full of something else.


02/21/2019 06:25 PM 

Reality is overrated

Maybe certain people aren't supposed to exist cos they don't contribute anything to the world. They just take and take and hurt through negligence or deliberance


02/21/2019 03:36 PM 

Journal # 45

       Oh my god! I just found out that my transgender friend was arrested last night! It doesn't feel real to me. I found out from someone who I used to work with (her name is also Lauren). Paige told me she was in trouble because she had a child abuse charge. I'm not one to judge when it comes to sh*t like that because I made a mistake last year and ended up getting a domestic violence charge due to my really bad anger problems. That doesn't make me a bad person though. I just have anger issues that have never been taken care of when I was growing up. Anyways, she told me that she was having these issues but failed to mention that she was also getting charged with child pornography. My boyfriend went to prison and we were watching one of those prison show's one day and I asked him "Why is this girl lying about being in there for child abuse?" and he told me that she was lying because if the people in jail found out the real reason she was in there, she would get her ass beat, bullied really badly, or even worse! Killed. Now I am worried that she will end up getting into a lot of trouble in there with the inmates. I hope she doesn't tell people the real reason she is in there or else she is f***ed! To make matters even worse, she is a transgender women. She will already get heat for all of that sh*t being in there unless she doesn't tell anyone this information either. Man! I'm so worried about her now! People make mistakes! We are not perfect. She should not of bail jumped though either. She might be in there for a long time... bless her soul. It's punishment enough to be in jail for a f*** up, but its really bad if inmates don't like you and want to make your life a living hell. This is the link that my coworker sent me:       It's day three with my angel bites and the one that I just did yesterday is bugging me like crazy. I forgot how annoying the healing process is when you get a piercing. When you get a new piercing it is super irritated for the first few days and it sucks! I really wanted to do it though so I did it. If it really starts to bother me though I will just take it out. I doubt that I will, but ya never know.        I am getting so sick of winter. It is really kicking my ass. It hasn't really bothered me all that much until recently. I have been hit with laziness really hard. I was doing so good! I was on top of cleaning the apartment all of the time and then all of the sudden, SPLAT! My energy and motivation just totally disappeared! That isn't the only reason the winter is kicking my ass though. I am also constantly having problems getting in and out of the driveway every time I want to leave the house. It keeps snowing so I end up getting stuck and can't get out, or I am able to get out and can't get back in so I am forced to park some where else near by. It's bullsh*t! The landlord should be paying someone to come every time that it snows and have that sh*t taken care of but no. All us residents have to shovel. I find that ridiculous. I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that I shouldn't have to do that. I can understand shoveling your own parking spot, but yesterday me and my dad were outside shoveling the entire driveway. He was not happy. In-fact, he was f***ing pissed the hell off. I only asked him because I'm a tiny girl. How does the landlord expect someone my size to shovel all that snow? When I was trying to shovel that one day for Korri to be able to go home, I was doing it all by myself and barely got much done within 30 minutes or so. It can be really frustrating sometimes. Summer can't come soon enough for me. I mean, I can wait because I like my winter outfits and sh*t, but mentally I am happier and healthier in the summer time.       


02/21/2019 01:47 PM 

Current mood:  artistic

It cannot be assumed that one's identity is known.By oneself, by others, by the gods of old.Anything that creates a feeling of pure inspiration and joyIs how I prefer to self-identify.I've spent years growing up,Losing sight of my self.MY self.As we age, we are forced to forget and pretend.Unlike the make believe we played as children,This new game is not fun.I'm tired of pretending to be an adult.I never wanted this life.  I didn't ask for this.All I wantedWasTo createAnd perform.

adulting, identity, crisis, artist, musician, creativity, aging, time


02/21/2019 11:59 PM 

im really bad at dungeons and dragons
Current mood:  embarrassed

i play dnd with my friend Aisha and we dm separate campaigns for eachother, and yesterday she was the one DMing her campaignand she introduced the villain which was like... magically chained up in some necklace artifact thing or something?and i walk in there seeing this big spooky no-faced cloaked guy with a thousand names and voices and im like"but what if hes nice"so i unchain him and he poofed off somewhere, vowing to destroy the world.Oopsthis isnt the first time i tried to make friends with monsters,while i was doing a guard job for the town i live in, i was supposed to catch some banditsand i actually found one of them in a net, but i didn't know she was one of the bandits, so i helped her downand then when i turned around she hit me in the back of the head and knocked me out.when i woke up i was in the middle of an orc camp tied up, but i mean, hey! everyone has their bad i told the orc mom her soup was really good, and eventually they let me go.

dnd, dungeons and dragons, d&d


02/21/2019 05:12 AM 

Miss You, Waiting & Wishing (Poem)

By, Brandon ImmelMet you years ago,Look how far we've come, how much we have grown.Helped you as much- as I could,And you helped me more, than anyone would.Stayed to help me, see again.Stopped the breaking of skin.Blue eyes, you are the one needing help now.The reaper, making you fall down.I gently say, Rise.As I hold you tightly.I know you're full of "sighs".Because this is a difficult time.You're so busy, working and being the social butterfly.That phrase would shock you, but I'm just shy.Waiting and wishing for you to talk again.Because you're the only one that brings me, Zen.I tell you so much,I miss you.Anyway I can get you in my clutch?I need to hug you.


02/20/2019 10:37 PM 

Festive Dice!!
Current mood:  happy

Someone on tumblr sent me some really cute dice.I wish people would write their usernames on the gift cards so I knew who to thank in person.. but thank you so much sabrina, whichever blog you use, i love them so muchplus heres an update on my saved seeds & home grown zucchini

plants, zucchini, dungeons and dragons, dnd, d&d, dice


02/19/2019 10:18 PM 

Journal # 44

       You know someone isn't your real friend, when they never take the time to hit you up. Friendships are not a one way street. You both have to put effort I to contacting each other. I had a friend who did this. At the time I was going through a lot and she wasn't there for me. I don't plan on ever reaching out to her. I always did all the work when we were friends. I strongly believe that is why her other friends stopped coming around. She never hit them up. I always had to do all of the work. In what universe do you need to be the only one that reaches out? It's bullsh*t! The worst part is, this person probably thinks that she didn't do anything wrong. I have new friends now that don't do that sort of sh*t to me. I'm a grown ass women. I do not have time for petty people like that in my life.       Another topic I have been wanting to talk about for a while is how funny it is looking at your old high school friends that stabbed you in the back now, compared to when you were friends with them. Oh my lord! I creeped on these bitches profiles and they all had babies and are now fat and ugly. HAHA in your face! I'm still pretty and skinny. Looks like karma came back and bit you in the ass finally. It's nice to know that I have still got it and my old sh*tty ass friends don't. I still haven't had a kid yet. I got all these pretty ass piercings and I still look good. I guess the bad personality finally caught up with them and started to show through on the outside as well.        I have angel bites now. I pierced the other side of my top lip. I wasn't sure how it would look on me but, yet again, I can pull off anything. It's really hurting right now though. I just pierced it yesterday and had to change the bar to a longer one this morning so that it would be able to move around still with the swelling. It's a little annoying right now because my new one is leaking that stuff that your body makes to close up a scab and I am constantly having to rub it off with a cotton ball dipped in salt water. It makes the bar stick to the outside of my skin and become kinda hard to twist and move around. If I rest my face long enough, when I go to move my lips to smoke my vape or talk, I can feel that it's harder to move because that sh*t comes out and drys on my skin and the bar in my skin. The good thing about that is though, is I am constantly cleaning it, which means it won't get infected any time soon. I love piercings. Isn't it funny how we pay lots of money to injure ourselves? You get a tattoo or a piercing, you are injuring yourself. Isn't that a funny thought? I just randomly thought that one day.       My hair is getting long. I stopped trying to cut my hair every so often so that it grows out. I will eventually go get it cut professionally, but I want it to grow out more before I do that. I just really want long hair. I'm no longer damaging it a lot anymore. I shower every single day and use Mane N Tail every time I shower so that makes it grow quicker. I love the way my hair is feeling again. It's so f***ing healthy now you have no idea. My hair loves me. When my hair was ash blonde, it was really hard to keep in my hair so I was coloring it a lot. I wanted the ash blonde color to stay in, but it never did. I don't know why, but unless your hair is naturally that color and it isn't dyed, it won't stay. Now that my hair is black, I am not coloring it as much because it is such a dark color, it takes a lot longer for the color to wash out of your hair. I try to only dye my hair once a month or once every two months because I don't want damaged hair anymore. I just want healthy hair again. That is all I care about. I love my hair black. I will probably keep it black for a long ass time like I did when I had platinum blonde hair. I had it that color for a whole year! For me, being so crazy with hair dye all throughout high school, that is a pretty big deal lol. 


02/19/2019 04:56 PM 

the old myspace homepage design

how to make your homepage look like the old myspace homepage  click page color and paste these codes.  Background: ebebeb Header: 02348b Frame: 3683ad Frame Background: ebf4ff Footer: c7c7c7 Text: 9c3d3d Links: 9c3d3d


02/18/2019 11:40 PM 


So... obligatory first post?Hai, I’m Ash. I’m not super new to the scene, but then again I kinda am. I’m really into the emo/scenecore revival stuffs, so users beware, imma just keep rawring into the void lol.- Ash ♥

✟ st. abby ✟

02/18/2019 06:56 PM 

Don't You Get It? It's You. It's Always Been You.

i have never been more envious of someone in my whole life nor have i ever been so incensed she had the chance to stroke your hair, touch your cheeks, and kiss your hands but she took what was golden and pulled it to pieces humans are such wasteful creatures.   maybe i’m wishing i could break the heart that broke mine no, i would never because that would be a crime against humanity i could never hurt you but i’ll gladly let you hurt me


02/18/2019 04:57 PM 


Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt is going on here owo

✟ st. abby ✟

02/16/2019 02:03 PM 

I Was Just a Passing Trend

a good little catholic boy like youswayed by the temptations of sacrilege? see everything in nothingwhich makes me wonder why you couldn't see something in me.everyone has moved on but meand i am stuck in this empty limbo, a shell of what it used to be.i swim against the current to the green light(icanalmostreachit)while everybody else is climbing out of the fitzgerald predicted me seven decades early.xoxoabby

✟ st. abby ✟

02/15/2019 10:45 AM 

Past the Point of No Return

happy post-valentines day my chest is empty because my heart is still in your hands i'd ask for it back but i know you'll leave prints and you're never nice (butineveraskedyoutobe) you're sharp and sarcastic and cynical yet i still want to introduce your hips to mine and press my lips against your neck i'm searching and scanning for you in every picture trying to find the only face without a smile maybe one day i'll see it   xabby

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