oof
Current mood:  blissful

bruh...crazy day...

read outside, then went to the beach w/ mom, then read some more outside when we got home. it was so relaxing... 

but! i wanted to go to target to get some stuff and there was a spider on my leg! damn near crashed into the car in front of me...a damn audi. i called my girlfriend bc i was panicking so much lmfao. asked a guy for help, said he didn't see it. but then! a janitor came out from the bank (where i was parked) and he helped me! ah! i hope he has a good blessing.

went to target anyways, got my stuff. now im feeling pretty...tipsy....
 
ok! well here's something that i wrote bc im in my feelings:
 

You don’t know? I don’t know why I expected any different…

Sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Figures.

Whatever it is, I’m sure you’ve gotten over it by now, haven’t you?

I…I don’t know…

No? You’re telling me you still worry about something from when you were so young? Why?

Because someone who I thought was important to me completely turned their back on me.

Thought? I wasn’t important to you?

You were…maybe you were too important to me. Still, you completely left me hanging and without an explanation. It still drives me insane! I can’t figure out why you accused me of lying to you.

You hated me after that, right? We couldn’t talk after that…even a whole year after when I tried to talk with you, you were the one to turn your back to me.

You do remember! Why’d you say you didn’t?

Let me ask you something. Why do you think I did that? Accused you of lying to me?

I don’t know! I thought maybe you wanted to get me to admit to anything I might’ve been hiding from you, but you were too embarrassed to come crawling back to me when it didn’t work.

Is that what you thought? That’s funny.

Funny? Don’t laugh at me.

I’m not laughing at you. 

So, why’d you do it? Or are you going to tell me you don’t remember that either.

You had become so dependent on me at that time—No, I don’t know if that’s right, but you had become complicit. You could do anything you wanted as long as you came and talked to me after. Then, it felt like things were different I was like a priest that can’t do anything when a criminal comes to confession over and over.

What are you talking about?

You came to me almost everyday and told me what you did. For five months. And nothing changed. You weren’t getting better?

So accusing me of lying was your way out? You abandoned me! You were one of the only adults I could trust at the time!

I know, but what happened after that?

We grew apart. All whole relationship, our rapport, was completely ruined. 

What happened to you afterward?

I...I stopped doing any of those things. It felt childish.

Don’t you see?

See what?

You were leaning on me too much. Or rather, hiding behind me. I was hindering you. I knew you wouldn’t very well just stop on your own or just stop talking to me. I had to get you to stop talking to me, to stop liking me, so you could recover.

What? What is that supposed to mean?

It worked, didn’t it?

For the time being, I suppose, but I only…

I couldn’t sit by and watch you keep hurting yourself. If you getting better meant you hating me then…

It was on purpose? You wanted me to hate you?

I wanted you to recover and get better in spite of me. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t done it, but I wasn’t sure what else would work. 

I’m not sure it did. It worked for a bit, but I don’t think it stuck. Plus, you realize how much energy and thought I’ve put towards trying to figure out why you did it? Everytime someone comes up with a malicious reason, I end up defending you! I always defended you!

I didn’t ask you to.

And I’m still defending you! I still want to pretend you did this for some virtuous reason! I still don’t know why you did it!

You’ll never know. Maybe that’s the point.

I refuse to accept that! I keep going on thinking “maybe...maybe I’ll get the chance to speak with him again”.

But you won’t. 

I know that, but I keep on thinking I will.