One week in
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  lonely

It's very peculiar. The first day or two without Gabby were the hardest . I'd almost become afeared of it getting easier over time, because it is almost like admitting that I can live without her... I can happily point out that that isn't the case. I certainly can't live the same way without her. It would be similar, but everything would be more sad and feel less exciting or worthwhile, and I would have lost a best friend to trust and confide in and tell about my days. So... On the surface it would be very similar, but it would feel horrible. I would still be living, but it would be a different life. One I don't want. Regardless! Being temporarily detached from my soulmate had gotten easier in days three and four. I knew she wasn't around, and that I had to deal, so occupied my mind with other things. Since then, though, things have become more difficult... The hope is really what crushes everything. I now know that any day at any time, Gabby could come back. I check at least once an hour while I wake... She's yet to return. This consistent crushing of hope has turned ignorance into pain. I feel that she could be back, and she should be back any day now... But she isn't, and it hurts. I can't switch my brain off and be resigned to the inevitable, because there is no inevitable. There's only uncertainty. This in turn engenders more uncertainty; is she safe, are the fires out, will she be back today, will she be back tomorrow, will she be back at all, will I ever find out what happened if she doesn't return, is she having a nice time, what is she doing on a daily basis now, who is she with, how is she sleeping, how is she sleeping, does she know I'm thinking of her, is she thinking of me, does she still love me, is she worrying about all the same things I'm worrying about, is she busy or does she have time to overthink too... I take knowing the answers to most all of these questions all the time for granted. Having that knowledge taken from you hurts, it feels like the universe is driving a wedge between us, trying to damage and lessen our connection, trying to force us into separate lives after we fought so hard to have them entwined together... The uncertainty is anxiety inducing, and the loneliness is maddening.

I love you, Gabby. I hope you're having a great time, loving your work, and staying safe. I'll see you soon x