Emptiness and appreciation
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  morose

Had I written this blog post yesterday, it would have been intensely bleak. It's almost a shame I didn't, as it would have provided a truer reflection of my melodramatic reaction to basic separation to contrast the reality of my experience with at a later date. That said, I'm still feeling rather down and apprehensive, so maybe this will come off suitably pitiable regardless.
I had been very nervous about my girlfriend (likely the only person who will read this) joining the California Conservation Corps, and how her intensive new regime would impact on our ability to transatlantically communicate - as if the eight hour time difference wasn't sufficient in and of itself. However, throughout her training week we spoke every day, with video calls most days, and I had been feeling much better about the situation. She finished the training week, passing with accolades and special recognition (which though she downplayed she ought to have been proud of, as I am of her), and we were then able to think about how we'd easily continue as we had been given her being put on a 4 days on, 3 days off schedule. At this point I was feeling really quite contented with the new reality, but disquieting news fell upon me on the Saturday, in the form of her being called up as a member of the first 10 people who would have to go out to tend to a fire on a camping drill. This was to last anywhere from 4-14 days and nights, she would have no signal or way of reaching me whatsoever, and she was to leave at 6:30am sharp the following morning (2:30pm in my local time). She managed to divulge this information in quick bursts while busy frantically packing, having just learned that her first weekend off and transition to a permanent dorm room had suddenly become a frenetic challenge to pack all essential and find out everything she required and how much of anything could he brought, etc. This effectively meant that, aside from learning that she was unable to sleep well through the night (due to the majority of people rigorously enjoying their first weekend off duty), I had no communication from her between finding out that she was going, and knowing that she had most definitely left. I didn't get chance to say goodbye, nor (I assume) did she. 
I'm now in the second day without her around, little things have bothered me. My sleep schedule is still very much delayed, and the lack of company in the nighttime hours is extremely conspicuous, given that every moment would previously have been taken up with talking to her, and sharing things I'm doing with her, and catching up on each of our days. Our extremely long snap streak has unceremoniously ended. The only friend of hers I know well is currently refusing to speak to most anyone, so I don't really have any contact with anyone who knows her. To all intents and purposes, she has been completely removed from my life at a moment's notice, and now only exists in my thoughts. 
I feel extremely lonely. I'm struggling to see the point in doing most anything, as I'd previously only really been getting any recognition or approval from her, and now she's gone. I have far too much free time due to extremely slow business from the ongoing worldwide pandemic. This is giving me too much time to think, and my thoughts are naturally inclining to the catastrophic (though less so today than they were yesterday, so hopefully that trend continues). A temporary distance wouldn't usually bother me so much, a very consistent 5,200 miles doesn't get in the way. Knowing when she was going to be back would make things much easier. Having said goodbye would make things feel less uncomfortable. Knowing she is happy and safe, and not just having to assume so would make me feel less worrisome. In a way it's technically possible that she hasn't left to camp at all, though even I'm not quite mental enough to entertain that as an irrational anxiety - I'm 100% sure that she hasn't lied, and that what has happened has happened. My love for and trust in her is the only thing keeping me going. 
The real crux of my anxiety, though, is that the last time she left so suddenly, she had never intended to return. It was months before she did. I really can't face that again, and the uncertainty is dangerously destructive. Despite knowing that in all likelihood she was just too busy to talk before she left, and didn't intend to disappear so unceremoniously, part of me can't shake the potential that she has left so suddenly to keep the option of never returning open, though I'm aware that is astronomically unlikely, and so irrational as to be almost offensive in regards to her character and intentions - she wouldn't ever do that now, both our and her situations are very different. Nothing stops me feeling this loneliness, though. No amount of reasoning and rationality, or being sure that she's safe and well, and returning soon, or knowing that she's probably missing me too, and I'm in her prayers at night. Not knowing for certain and having all this time to overthink is really affecting my mood. Yesterday I just felt horrible the entire day. Today I'm beginning to realise that this loss and emptiness I'm feeling really just speaks to the depth of our love and affection, and that in most ways I'm privileged to be able to even feel this way, because not only does it mean that I had something beautiful and worth appreciating for as long as it could possibly last, but also because it's only in my anxious morose that I have actually lost anything on any permanent basis, and in all likelihood I will have all of that beauty and happiness back in my life, returning along with her. All I can do is cross my fingers, think about the depth of our love, and continue to believe that every new day now brings me closer to her arrival back to me.