ugh // vent
(this is gonna be in normal txt bc I don't have the energy to type how I normally do)
Okay so time to make the internet my diary
I turned down my friend's invitation, and I feel really sh*tty.
Like really sh*tty.
The thing is, they weren't upset and said it was fine. I know they asked as a friend, but it felt kinda weird, y'know? Like if my best friend of 6 years would ask me, I'd say sure. But the thing is, I have major trust issues. I'm only just now, after six years, close to fully trusting my best friend. Someone I've been with from 4th grade to (current) freshmen year. This friend and I have only known each other for around a year. Another reason I declined was because I used to have a major crush on them, but it died down because I realized it would be unhappy due to the age gap. (They're a senior, 18, I'm a freshman, 14.). It just didn't feel right, and I feel like they would enjoy themselves better with someone more so in their age range/maturity level.
I feel so bad for declining though. Like sick to your stomach, almost wanna cry, wanting to sleep so I don't wallow in feeling miserable, kinda guilt. I care about this friend a lot and I'm so upset at the possibility that I may have hurt them. I'm just so upset, I don't know what to do. And it doesn't help that everyone is making me feel bad about my decision.. Hell, even my mom has. "This is their last year!" and "When I was a freshman I dated a senior.", "You should have thought about it!!". The way they asked was their friend came over and was like "Go to prom with [name]". Not in a blunt way, just saying what my friend couldn't. I feel so bad, like I've let them and everyone else down.
And another thing is that I'm always sad because I don't have a partner. I know they asked me out just as a friend, but I've always had the suspicion they might've had a crush on me, due to their own issues. But here I am, declining because of age/maturity levels. I feel so bad for letting them all down, not just my friend. F***.