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Last Login:
April 19th, 2019

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Gender: Other
Status: In a relationship
Age: 19
Country: United States

Signup Date:
November 22, 2018


12/06/2018 10:19 PM 

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  relieved

6 December 2018

Dear reader,
I gave the speech.  It was always a terrible speech if one wanted evidence and reason -- for public speaking, it was better than most of the other speeches I heard.  A bit disjointed, and the performance probably a bit stilted -- I caught myself resigning to a rather flat affect in reciting it where I was swapping out theatricality for ability to remember with reasonable celerity.  Unfortunately, I began feeling nervous in earnest about thirty minutes prior to the speech and I had half a cigarette, listened to some of Things to Ruin (which is where the song of the day comes from, yesterday and today).  And after the speech was given I spoke with two of my classmates who sit proximally to myself.  They seemed pleased by it.  I've mentioned this already, but I absolutely hated it.  Worthless piece of sh*t papers.  Frankly, getting a better grade than everyone around you hardly matters in terms of what it reflects about your skill level.  Oh, how elitist of me. 
Then after the speech I pled with AS to waive the late penalty on my speech outline (and one other thing related to the persuasive speech?  I don't remember exactly what it was now); she gave me that waiving very, very readily.  And then asked whether I needed to talk (or maybe did that before I made the request), said I seemed "out-of-sorts", which is an emotion I was definitely trying to emulate.  I told her TA tried to kill himself and didn't succeed (without giving a name or even relation to me, or any more information except that he's a he), that I was sort of used to that sort of thing, overblew how much I was affected by it, and, of course, didn't mention that happened much earlier this year than a week or two ago when the speech outline was due.  I do what I have to to get an advantage. 
Consider it a leveling of the playing field when I'm dealing with serious avolition. 
Just before I went into AS's office, another classmate, RNTK (the RN mentioned in post(s) before this is RNCC), actually asked what I thought of his speech, since he claimed to watch his audience when he presented and said I had some interesting reactions, or something like that.  (His speech was a proposition we should institute affirmative action at Truman.)  I said a few different things, received various replies to the effect of "You're deflecting," which was true, and eventually said I didn't know enough to provide an informed opinion on affirmative action.  Not sure he believed me.  Not sure I would've believed me.  If he did, I look boring as hell -- which is just as well, I suppose.  And he came out to me at the end ("From one gay man to another," or something like that), but I really don't think he needed to.  I've been assuming he was gay since he first opened his mouth at the beginning of the year.  I really have to get to the bottom of this whole gay voice thing.  Or I could not.  But I'm quite curious about it. 

three things I'm pleased about: 
  • AS waiving my late penalty
  • no longer having to worry about that speech
  • going to logic tomorrow (it's become a much more fun and interesting class since we started studying logical fallacies)
Song of the day: Mama, Cut Me Deeper, Eric William Morris


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