tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day
Category: Real Life
6 December 2018
I gave the speech. It was always a terrible speech if one wanted evidence and reason -- for public speaking, it was better than most of the other speeches I heard. A bit disjointed, and the performance probably a bit stilted -- I caught myself resigning to a rather flat affect in reciting it where I was swapping out theatricality for ability to remember with reasonable celerity. Unfortunately, I began feeling nervous in earnest about thirty minutes prior to the speech and I had half a cigarette, listened to some of Things to Ruin (which is where the song of the day comes from, yesterday and today). And after the speech was given I spoke with two of my classmates who sit proximally to myself. They seemed pleased by it. I've mentioned this already, but I absolutely hated it. Worthless piece of sh*t papers. Frankly, getting a better grade than everyone around you hardly matters in terms of what it reflects about your skill level. Oh, how elitist of me.
Then after the speech I pled with AS to waive the late penalty on my speech outline (and one other thing related to the persuasive speech? I don't remember exactly what it was now); she gave me that waiving very, very readily. And then asked whether I needed to talk (or maybe did that before I made the request), said I seemed "out-of-sorts", which is an emotion I was definitely trying to emulate. I told her TA tried to kill himself and didn't succeed (without giving a name or even relation to me, or any more information except that he's a he), that I was sort of used to that sort of thing, overblew how much I was affected by it, and, of course, didn't mention that happened much earlier this year than a week or two ago when the speech outline was due. I do what I have to to get an advantage.
Consider it a leveling of the playing field when I'm dealing with serious avolition.
Just before I went into AS's office, another classmate, RNTK (the RN mentioned in post(s) before this is RNCC), actually asked what I thought of his speech, since he claimed to watch his audience when he presented and said I had some interesting reactions, or something like that. (His speech was a proposition we should institute affirmative action at Truman.) I said a few different things, received various replies to the effect of "You're deflecting," which was true, and eventually said I didn't know enough to provide an informed opinion on affirmative action. Not sure he believed me. Not sure I would've believed me. If he did, I look boring as hell -- which is just as well, I suppose. And he came out to me at the end ("From one gay man to another," or something like that), but I really don't think he needed to. I've been assuming he was gay since he first opened his mouth at the beginning of the year. I really have to get to the bottom of this whole gay voice thing. Or I could not. But I'm quite curious about it.
three things I'm pleased about:
- AS waiving my late penalty
- no longer having to worry about that speech
- going to logic tomorrow (it's become a much more fun and interesting class since we started studying logical fallacies)