Identify, Oh, But How, Or Why?
I spent more of my preteen years worrying about who I was than wondering and wandering through the possibilities of who to be. So long, fixated, and I still am. An uncontrollable wishing for a home, a place to belong, and identity to feel safe in. Continuing far longer than any journey I have ever taken. I spent so long under different labels, changing myself to fit so perfectly, but I have learned much more about what it means to be human as the years have gone by.
I am young, very young, younger than most. And I do not claim to be better, more mature, or more experienced, than any. I speak only from what I know, what I have learned, and what I have done, whatever that may be.
I remember a version of myself, younger than I am now, locking myself in my room to cry over a notebook with the words "I wish I was anywhere else but here" written over and oven until my hand was unwilling to keep writing. And now I am here, still locking myself in my room, but to listen to music, dance around my room, eat ice cream, and sing. I would still rather anything other than to be where I am right now, stuck between two walls, literally and figuratively, with the voices from both sides caving me in until I'm sat on the floor with my hands to my ears, shaking. But I have learned that there are more ways to block out the sound of what is painful other than indulging yourself in the pain.
I have turned to communities over time, labels, "scenes". I have learned that it is not just about finding who you are or finding who you want to be, it is about balancing the two. As I continue to move along, pose, create what I feel suites me best for who I am and who I want to be at that time, I will create a history behind me of things I felt safe as. All the things that have helped me feel alive even when everything around me feels like it's dragging me down.
So although identities are hard, and we keep learning to lose our minds over who we are, I have learned that identities are long learned, some lived, and remade, over time. But for you? Who knows. Perhaps, identities are different for you. I wish you the best in luck in yours.