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The constant battle of chronic depression
Current mood:
 depressed
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The constant battle of chronic depression Depression is much like cancer only The most soul and body consuming Its like that constant drain you Feel,fear,and think about everything In your life and what it's consumed throughout your entire being. Living with such demons that past trauma and pain have caused, it doesn't just go away were stuck in this warped puzzle of brain and nerves colliding on a daily basis most cant sleep at night they rather sleep during the day to avoid interaction and putting in that fake smile for those around them to think think that we're fine when really we rather be any where but where we are and feeling as if we show the emotions we must talk about them, i know at times when it comes to opening up i feel like a paper bag there isn't much air to breathe to cave deeper and push every one i love away. I never mean to it's all I've ever done ,how can i be able to express the eerie feeling of waking up and not wanting to, i don't choose this i just don't feel i have purpose i wake to two beautiful children i adore, however i feel im nit enough for them. I constantly feel im a piece of sh*t mom even if i am doing only my very best and it never gets acknowledged or constantly belittled for wanting to strive on my feet so i can provide for them better and feel that proudness but instead i am dead inside, i scream for help those i love slam the door and when i lash out wonder where all my pain and rage is coming from. Never the thought of maybe i haven't a day in my life felt accepted or loved for the being i am it was always here's a prescription, here's a therapist, hospital stays so they can maintain you not trying to kill yourself, here's a private school to live in when you already feel detached from the family or like you just need to be forgotten because no one understands you so might as well toss you in with kids who made you hate yourself even more. I never really had anyone to listen but everyone comes to me. Why? Why is im called upon to make another have a reason to be here when i cant even think of one or more for myself. Ive been loved for all the wrong reasons,sex and drugs bring a main factor. Life has shown me ill never be accepted and no matter the good all in return ill get is bad so i lay here and ask myself and whom ever is listening "WHY AM I HERE,PLEASE SHOW ME SOMETHING IM TIRED OF CRYING,IM TIRED OF FIGHTING TO MATTER MORE THAN WHEN CONVENIENT". My mom always used to ask why i listen to the music i love and of course i give a simple answer but in all honesty that music was there when i lay on my pillow soaking it wet from tears in my eyes wondering why ill never be good enough or when is my turn to become successful and shine. I am drowning in so much sorrow from expecting me from others and ill never have that. Apparently its bad to be blunt and honest about not fitting in or feeling you're an annoyance around others so the best option for the peace of others in my mind is well being dead doesn't sound to bad, no one would care that much that they won't get over it, im only a girl in a womans' body im lost,abandoned,scared,and desperate for connections to those i adore. I suppose ill never know so with depression and manic episodes the only silence without medication is taking myself out. Im not typing this for pity im putting this battle out there and how it takes tolls on people but from my own experience, depression also comes from caring too much about people who don't care about you unless its beneficial or in times you don't need a shoulder. I had a blade for a friend for years sometimes i think about picking it up again but i don't i started smoking at a young age so i wouldn't cause anymore wounds to myself but at one point it was the only expression and soothing i had, i know its not okay by any means but f*** a person can only hold on for so long and ive been sinking for a very long time... I scare myself at times because its gets dark in my mind i think of ways and plot how im going to die and when etc. Its not okay and at times i cant even tell you why i feel these things because i don't even know other than sh*t that's really burned me. Maybe its the seeings of deaths early in age and things I've experienced and seen or maybe its the constant abusive relationships I've been in causing ptsd and mental damage along with being bullied in school and a kid and even now for simply being different or just being judged in general for things ive done etc. The damage in me hasn't been repaired no matter how much i try and im sorry but this depression has me a void in making... ONE DAY I PRAY ALL OF THIS WILL CHANGE, BUT I DOUBT IT.
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