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Day 3: It's a late post because I forgot but whoops oh well. Today wasn't as bad or lonely and I figured out why I've been extra sad and angry. It's that time of the month lol. Anyway today was better and i didn't fight with my parents that much. A friend fell through on her promise again which is fine i don't care too much. I watched a lot of Harry Styles tiktoks and clips. He really is like a perfect human. He has a sense of humor, is kind, talented. idrk and also he's british. I feel like british people are just like better in general or like people with accents. Because for people with american accents at least, american accents are normal. and so they're not as special speaking wise. I mean like accents just make everything a person says 10x better. Like harry niall or robert irwin lol. once i spent a day talking in an australian accent and then it felt weird to hear an american accent. It was like a little dip into an aussies point of view. the prime minister of new zealand is a badass boss. shes honestly one of the best people on this planet. she gets things done and isn't stuck up and isn't annoying AND isn't racist like some leaders... so all in all today was a pretty good day. but my mood was blank because the six day search for Naya Rivera, who played Santana (arguably the best character) on Glee's, body has seemingly been concluded. They found a body today at lake piru. today is also the 7 year mark or anniversary of cory monteith's passing. that seems a little odd that she was found on this day. Also her son got back into the boat at only age 4 and naya was a very good swimmer so the whole situation is really odd. I feel like a four year old wouldn't be able to get themselves into a boat from a lake without assistance. So i feel it was maybe a dangerous situation and naya quickly put her son back into the boat and then something happened from there. hopefully the autopsy reveals answers. It's just so sad. 2020 has been such a rough year. In some ways change is being brought about though, which is phenomanal (im not sure how you spell tht lol) but corona is just really taking a massive toll on america and we are only getting worse. I firmly believe that we will not get anywhere with the type of leadership we have as well as the decisions being made right now. Hopefully progress will be made. One of my dreams is to go on tour and do concerts. That would be so special for me. I think that would be the thing that would make me the happiest. But i don't know if people will ever be able to tour again, or at least the way they have in the past. obviously this will come and go in waves like the flu it's just dependent on when scientists find a vaccine. I believe they have some ideas that they are testing but right now it is heartbreaking to see people die from this virus. Like Nick Cordero. He lost his life recently after a very long battle with this virus. he seemed to be making progress but unfortunately passed after his body was just to weak. It also is infuriating to see people refusing to wear masks and calling this virus a hoax. I feel that if they experienced it first hand maybe that would change there mind but i think they are truly karens. Im putting that in the funniest way i can. bring some light and humor to the situation. I think that's enough for tonight. 

too busy relapsing to be on here ♥

i be looking real life rachet!!!!! uh uhhhhn girl NO im getting my hair did and extensions put in on monday so i better become a bad bitch bc i think my bf losing feelings  tehe im excited to post a pic after n say ima bad bitch u cant kill me have me feeling like tracybarbie heyy guyzzzz

hi im kat dont be afraid to chat w meeeee :-)))))) lmfao im still new tew dis but i fink ive got a good grip on how it works. i wanna get to know new girlysss!!! we can talk abt literally anything.

girl i be changing my layout 3 times a day lmfaoooooooooooobitch im dumb :-) mind ur business if its different in 5 min

It's currently 3:40am, I've been awake all of 15 hours or so, and I feel no compulsion to retire in the least. This has been true of most nights for me since finishing schooling - the difference being that during schooling I'd presently be panicking about how little sleep I'd be able to achieve before waking at 6:30am,  how infuriating I am going to be when needing to be awakened anywhere from three to five times before truly being awake, and how horrific I would be feeling for the next school day.I have chosen a career in which I can work through the night, which really has helped stave off the mindless boredom that being awake from 11pm - 6am brings along with it. However, I do work from home, and so could just as easily be working through the day, perhaps even more easily, as emails and business calls often fall on deaf ears after 5pm. As such, I've yet to escape the stigma that comes along with keeping unsociable hours... If a tree falls, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Likewise, if an individual works and nobody is around to witness it, did they really do anything of value? Well, obviously so, but more to the point; if others are working and one is seen to be sleeping through the majority of the working day, does one appear lazy? Of course. Can anyone really trust that someone so apparently slothful is really working as hard as they say? Not so easily. Are people likely to believe that anyone who is still asleep at 1pm is really making a genuine effort to be a functioning member of society and maintain a healthy sleep cycle? Surely not. Choosing between having healthy sleep and being perceived to have healthy sleep is more difficult than one might imagine. Having healthy sleep in a vacuum is the obvious choice; feeling more alert, more creative, less lethargic, and less depressed just makes sense. In the real world, however, being asleep through the majority of the opening times of most stores and services, missing all opportunities to indulge in any outdoor pursuits where early starts are all but necessary, and having meal times offset by multiple hours causes problems. Namely: being indoors all day, missing breakfast most days, eating the main (and often only) meal of the day three hours after waking and eleven hours before sleeping, being stigmatised for having an unnatural circadian rhythm, arguing in circles about the futility of depriving oneself of sleep in order to "return to a normal sleep schedule". Often, the easiest thing is to take the discomfort of getting 4 hours of sleep each night just to avoid the upset that getting a full compliment would cause, despite the fact that it won't correct one's sleep time for the following night in the slightest. Solitude is also an issue. Even on the days where one is able to wake of a morning, the seven or so hours after everyone in the vicinity has fallen asleep can feel relatively lonely. This has been mitigated for myself personally in recent months, having been graced by a dedicated and kind-hearted Californian girlfriend, whose body clock works, but whose actual clock reads eight hours behind that of my own, meaning that we generally have a very similar sleep/wake cycle, with my own being usually an hour or two advanced of hers. I've been blessed in that regard, though some anxiety prevails with regards to her upcoming commitments meaning that for 8 days on and 8 days off she will be fluctuating between being available and completely unavailable during my loneliest hours; and will most certainly have to dedicate some time off to those she loves locally more intensely than she has been of late. I do not begrudge this, but I feel it would be folly not to be cognisant of the upcoming transition.It must be noted that I do not struggle with sleep. I sleep, in fact, extremely heavily, and most mornings have uninterrupted and restful sleep. I in no way feel as though I'm afflicted by insomnia or sleep apnoea. I often sleep too well, and find myself waking three hours after I'd intended, having slept through multiple alarms. This obviously doesn't help exude an "I'm not lazy, honest" image. I feel almost cursed to have my most creative hours while everyone is sleeping. Examples of things I've done over the past few weeks (excluding menial work) between the hours of midnight to 5am include:- Refinishing 4 shotgun stocks and for ends with oil- Restoring the action of a 130 year old shotgun, and fixing the ejection system - Restoring an antique sword​​​- Polishing a metric f*** ton of brass- Building an R/C drift car- Cutting and painting two R/C bodyshells- Leather covering a recoil pad- Designing and prototyping electric guitar pickups- Learning multiple songs on guitarEt cetera. None of this goes necessarily recognised, the hours put into all of these things, as well as those hours put into my work, would be somehow more valuable if they were put in while the sun was out. ​​​​​I wish I were able to have a different circadian rhythm. No amount of soporific meditation or clinical medication can provide any lasting fix. It took me fifty minutes to write this on my phone, so I feel I should point out that any examples given above were done in a more timely manner than this excessive blog post. 

my favorite songs right nowour love is heavenly - heavenlyplanet claire - the b52sholiday in cambodia - dead kennedysever fallen in love with someone (with someone you shouldn't've) - buzzcockssex and candy - marcy playgroundi touch myself - divinylsdo you want to touch me (oh yeah) - joan jett and the blackheartslegal tender - the b52sbrackish - kittiesaints - the breederskiss off - violent femmesheart of glass - blondienaturträne - nina hagan(or check out my spotify if you want)

New term: "Clone years"Two years are clone years if they have dates that fall on the same days of the week. For example, 1984 was a leap year that started on a sunday. The next leap year that started on a sunday was 2012, and the one after that will be 2040. So 1984, 2012, and 2040 are all clone years.1985 was a non-leap year that started on a tuesday. The next non-leap year that started on a tuesday was 1991, so 1985 and 1991 are clone years.

Add me on Intstagram @nellykilledit

yeah, I never finished that challenge thing lol(not that anyone cared about it anyway so it doesn't matter)I had a good day but now I just feel so empty. I feel like everything is so pointless and it's not worth the effort to stay alive anymore.I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of hurting.

theres alot to be grateful for. a roof over my head. food to eat and water to drink. a small circle. im employed. i live in a nice area. but why is it so hard to be happy. i know why, but why complain when others have less. 

theres alot i could bitch abt on here lol im feeling very physically and mentally tired. i dont remember the last time i didnt feel this way. im constantly worrying abt everyones  feelings, and it gets to me that i simply cant do nuthhhhhin but be there. i cant solve peoples problems. energy is a very strong thing.if someones energy is off, it comes directly to me. its like i feel their pain in every way. its a good and bad thing. good becuase i want to know when someone is upset so i can try to help, but bad bc it literally affects me that i cant read whats going on in their mind. i like to be alone for that reason. i get so caught up in others feelings to the point where its like, did i do something? can i genuinly not make someones mood any better? why is this a constant thing? I surround myself with very hurt people. we are all looking for validation, but my efforts are never recipricated. i just dont know. i l want to be there, and make you happy. thats all. this was very messy, i suck at putting my thoughts into words. but theres so much going on up there. 

After forgetting this exists and watching a youtube video that shows Myspace, i remembered this.

the fact that i am not a skinny twinky little femboy who wears fishnets and sundresses pains me more and more every day ♥

Some of you have been asking me what it's like living over here in Eugene Oregon. Eugene is a college town, home to the University of Oregon, my alma mater in fact as well as the home and birthplace of Nike! I've always found this place to be quite beautiful, even cloudy, Eugene is picturesque. It does rain here more than it doesn't but the flip side to that is we have one of the greenest valleys in North America! Eugene lives in the county of Lane and Lane County is known as the number 1 in the world for grass seed. So needless to say my alergies hate me twice a year LOL. Anywho, here's a few images of Eugene, enjoy! Back to News Index