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Under The Palm Tree

12/08/2018 12:59 PM 

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12/07/2018 12:49 PM 

dancing with death, I suppose
Current mood:  uncomfortable

7 December 2018

another piece of favor pried from the throat of a gift horse.  I missed the logic final -- wasn't it supposed to be scheduled for like 3:30PM? -- because of being up 'till 1AM.  (according to ER and NNRW it was easy.)  at least I have one more chance to take it.  and then I was a couple minutes late to psych and KA told me (and AR, who was also there and in the same predicament -- not late, but without a calculator) to come back the next hour to take the free-response stats test.  it seemed relatively easy, although I might've f***ed up on part of the last question.  when I went to turn it in, he said he was missing two homeworks from me.  I agreed that he was, and he either said something to the effect of "That's fine," or "That's not fine," and I don't know which it was.  regardless, I shot off an email pretty soon after I got back to the dorm about the position he offered me reading student papers.  he said before it was mine if I wanted it, so hopefully he'll follow through...?

I'll update more as more happens throughout the day. 

things I'm pleased about: 
  • AR is talking more -- when we got back to the dorm to pick up calculators and YNCS saw me with AR, she asked why AR was talking to me when she wasn't talking to the rest of the dorm.  I explained what had happened in psych and also mentioned we'd been studying psych together in months prior, and YNCS accepted that.  having said this, AR did come out afterward and speak with NNJH, YNCS, and myself in the lounge.  (she had asked if anyone said anything about her in the lounge, and I said around two weeks ago one of them mentioned they'd heard her crying in her dorm on the phone, then said people probably heard me crying last night, for solidarity.  she later mentioned she'd been crying on the phone earlier because she was calling her parents about not getting into any (or maybe just enough) psych classes next semester, which may be the time people were talking about.)
  • KA didn't have to let me take the test.  and the offered job is a godsend. 

YNCS, AR, NNJH, KA, December 2018, 2018


12/07/2018 01:26 PM 

diary ?

Yesterday was cool I did actual things like paint and stuff and I 3D printed things and sanded other prints and had a fun time there

Today's mood: mine craft

May have made rose feel bad cos I didn't respond for a while after agreeing that self harm / pushing self to edge limits lyrics were relatable but this was an accident and I'm blaming minercaft and a lack of vibration in my phone when power saving mode which is stupid

Diary, personal,


12/07/2018 12:32 PM 


I feel like it's 8.30 on a summer night
eating dinner in the dark
home alone
and I know that not an accurate description 
of the darkness you feel
or I feel, for that matter
but it's not too important 
to get the words right
it's sad, is what I'm saying
it doesn't matter how you tell me
it's important that you tell me
and all these words make me so emotional 
I'm sorry for this 
just forget about it...


12/06/2018 10:19 PM 

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day
Current mood:  relieved

6 December 2018

Dear reader,
I gave the speech.  It was always a terrible speech if one wanted evidence and reason -- for public speaking, it was better than most of the other speeches I heard.  A bit disjointed, and the performance probably a bit stilted -- I caught myself resigning to a rather flat affect in reciting it where I was swapping out theatricality for ability to remember with reasonable celerity.  Unfortunately, I began feeling nervous in earnest about thirty minutes prior to the speech and I had half a cigarette, listened to some of Things to Ruin (which is where the song of the day comes from, yesterday and today).  And after the speech was given I spoke with two of my classmates who sit proximally to myself.  They seemed pleased by it.  I've mentioned this already, but I absolutely hated it.  Worthless piece of sh*t papers.  Frankly, getting a better grade than everyone around you hardly matters in terms of what it reflects about your skill level.  Oh, how elitist of me. 
Then after the speech I pled with AS to waive the late penalty on my speech outline (and one other thing related to the persuasive speech?  I don't remember exactly what it was now); she gave me that waiving very, very readily.  And then asked whether I needed to talk (or maybe did that before I made the request), said I seemed "out-of-sorts", which is an emotion I was definitely trying to emulate.  I told her TA tried to kill himself and didn't succeed (without giving a name or even relation to me, or any more information except that he's a he), that I was sort of used to that sort of thing, overblew how much I was affected by it, and, of course, didn't mention that happened much earlier this year than a week or two ago when the speech outline was due.  I do what I have to to get an advantage. 
Consider it a leveling of the playing field when I'm dealing with serious avolition. 
Just before I went into AS's office, another classmate, RNTK (the RN mentioned in post(s) before this is RNCC), actually asked what I thought of his speech, since he claimed to watch his audience when he presented and said I had some interesting reactions, or something like that.  (His speech was a proposition we should institute affirmative action at Truman.)  I said a few different things, received various replies to the effect of "You're deflecting," which was true, and eventually said I didn't know enough to provide an informed opinion on affirmative action.  Not sure he believed me.  Not sure I would've believed me.  If he did, I look boring as hell -- which is just as well, I suppose.  And he came out to me at the end ("From one gay man to another," or something like that), but I really don't think he needed to.  I've been assuming he was gay since he first opened his mouth at the beginning of the year.  I really have to get to the bottom of this whole gay voice thing.  Or I could not.  But I'm quite curious about it. 

three things I'm pleased about: 
  • AS waiving my late penalty
  • no longer having to worry about that speech
  • going to logic tomorrow (it's become a much more fun and interesting class since we started studying logical fallacies)
Song of the day: Mama, Cut Me Deeper, Eric William Morris


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