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im gonna start posting on here more... kinda forgot about it cuz i was busy w school but i think i have mre time now even tho i have like 2 F's and. D

i just made a whole blog ranting about me passing out and it didnt save 😟.

i wish i felt it. i wish i wasnt this way. i want to be a certain way. laugh a certain way. look a certain way. act. speak. carry myself differently. i want to be more. i want to be less. i want to be comfertable with myself. i wish i was someone else. one of those people that have everything together. have everything going for them. have health. have looks. have character. i hate this feeling. i wish i wasnt always comparing myself to others. even with cc, she somehow is just more than i am or ever will be. i think she's pretty. everyone does. 

so i went and saw a local production of american idiot a couple days ago and it was really good. local shows can be a bit hit or miss but this was really well done, the set was amazing, the costumes were perfectly done and fit right iin with the aesthetics of the abum, and the acters were insanly talented and really well cast.the story was the pretty typical escapes small town and everything kinda goes to sh*t because yay drugs, teenage pregancy and parental expectations. what set it apart though was how it showed additction, it showed how they seemt o make everything better and how they seemt o set you on this new plane of existance but then the addiction slowly rips everything apart and creates a whole new level of sh*t. it also quite exelently showed how getting sober sucks, it not fun, its nto exciting, and its definetly not fun, but you become a person again and how you get your life back. american idiot showed this pretty well with how the main character didnt really do anything monumentus but he saw his old friends again and came back to where everthing started after it had ended.overall a really good musical and if theres every a production going on near you, its worth seeing. also shout out to the old ladies that were sitting next to me, they were cool.

ok how do i say it. i know there are people that show interest in me and stuff of that nature. but i cant ever get behind it at all. and it makes me mad since i would very much like to overly like someone. i'd like to do cheesy things for someone. its strange since like thinking about cheesy things makes me wannt throw up cuz ew thats gross but it is also very cute. i like the idea of holding hands and hugs now and i think i liked it better when i didnt since its now a longing. im mad at myself for not letting things just happen with people since i keep saying i want these things so bad but dont ever give anything a chance but ahhhh. sometimes i wanna just force myself into giving things a shot cuz then i can say that i tried but idk.plus its like i cant connect with these people. like i just dont click with them at all. its silly since i dont even give it an actual shot but its v v silly

hands blue. legs grey. arms purple. baggy clothes is a must. i hate parties.

ran out of regular milk but had so much more bowl to fill...chocolate milk found.this tastes horrid.yummy!

I could scrub away patches of my skin and chunks of my bones, but I'll still be as filthy as you left me. another reminder of something everyone already keeps showing me. why do I have to remain complacent in your bias ? 

woke up... wanting to go back to sleep. this is the worst. scrounging for food time! 

at the moment i feel loved. i cant feel my arm again. my heart is getting pinched. theres no one else here at the moment. they will be though. it doesnt matter if i want it or not. i dont know for sure. its warm and cold. does it matter? i'll know soon. i dont know if i want to know. it wont change. at the moment i am more at ease than scared.jlUlNqoqAwpcxQaxLvbJ9lhqbJAlwlGlekvqaJqc

just fought the meow meow gonna become a malewife

i like high school. like, it's the best time of my life. now i have real friends, more 'special' subjects such as physics and maths.. and i really enjoy doing homework! but! i always procrastinate when it comes to literature, languages, social science etc. just don't know how to get a grip and just do it. but i need it. ugh :(

Seriously

   and you just can't leave this alonei wish i knew how to leave things be and just go on with life but i am stupid

ive written about you before, in pages of notebooks and pieces of paper that are in my room, in school papers that have won awards and are hung in places for people to see, in lines of poetry that are inked in the bodies of people i dont know. ive made u immortal.