My Twisted Vines of Anxiety
To be honest, a lot has happened this month, a lot of tears, anger, and fears. It was more of a wake-up call. A lot I think was my fault and a lot I think was anxiety. I know I have anxiety, I've always had it I think. Maybe it is time for me to do something about it. You know there have time times this year that my anxiety and depression have been coming in waves some strong that have knocked me off my feet like this month. Then there have been some times with unexplained calm and peace.
Sometimes anxiety has made me silent and frozen. I feel trapped in a prison of my own fear, unable to cry out for help.
Sometimes anxiety makes normal life feel overwhelming. Everything seems like it is too much. Going to school seems like it is too much, and going to work is too much. Working in a retail environment with constant drama, and people it is too much.
Sometimes anxiety makes me unable to handle (read) texts or messages from friends or even have open communication because if I do my mind will spin out of control. I think this is a reason why I can't seem to hold on and have friends because I feel like my anxiety is playing tricks on me and that everyone has this secret agenda against me when it is not true at all.
My anxiety causes me to feel physically ill, with headaches, stomach aches, and knots in my back and neck from stress.
Sometimes it feels like I am completely alone in a crowded room or store. No, I have not been to a doctor about any of these feelings, but I know I need to eventually.
I suppose you can say anxiety makes me feel things differently. Like I do things that are completely out of character because I was triggered. Another thing is that the worst thing that I did to myself was put myself in a position over and be triggered all over again. It is sad because I solemnly vowed to protect myself from it. I suppose it was foolish of me to think I could have friends and be liked. It was foolish to think I could really trust people and yet foolish foolishly and unknowingly gather the twists and the vines of my poison anxiety around my mind warping any clear thought I ever once had about friendship.