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Momo

Last Login:
February 9th, 2022




Gender: Other

Age: 20
Country: Afghanistan

Signup Date:
January 11, 2022


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01/25/2022 04:41 PM 

Making it through.
Current mood:  drained

So I’m entering Day3 of bawling my eyes out.

 

So to update, I technically got broken up with a second time. We were still close and thought being friendly with each other would be alright, and I kinda warned them like huh… don’t think this is good for us.

 

He then asked for someone’s advice and he came back to me to say yeah, I need to leave.

Look… I agree with that other chick that yeah, it’s… ugh. Nevermind. Maybe I don’t agree.

He ended up saying he needs to leave and basically feel okay with being friends with me.

It’s stupid really. He says he’ll still like me and try to hit on me. So what if that month is over? That’s it? He magically won’t hit on me again? Or is he still going to? That’s what I find so annoying… what’s the point of the space if it’s just going to be the same?

 

I guess I’m just angry that he really just left. I get it, we still like each other but I don’t know… I was hoping that magically our friendship is strong and we’ll make it through! I didn’t expect a, “Hey, bye.” …

 

The worst part is I’m on my own. It’s not his fault or anything, but… man.

Honestly a part of me was just scared of him leaving. The only reason I didn’t beg him to stay was because I knew that was unfair. It’s my fault I don’t have anyone else. It’s my fault, so why should he stay to keep me company?

 

It’s my fault.

I really don’t know why it came to this. Why don’t people just— reach out to me? Stay with me? Talk to me?

 

He really was my last friend. Someone I could come to and just talk, share and hang out with. Someone I knew wouldn’t just leave me on read or let a conversation dry. Someone I could just talk to at any hour and they’d reply when they get the chance.

 

I’m sorry, but everyone just… doesn’t. I’m so annoyed having to message different people. I’m so sick of just having to realize that I can’t expect something nice anymore. That I’m back to having to accept that I’m on my own.

I hate messaging someone and just sitting there like an idiot.

You know what I got today? They commented on how my texting was off.

It ticked me off a bit since I’ve never messaged them before… what was off about it? Is having proper messages and grammar that weird?

Our conversation didn’t even last. It ended with them saying “I agree.”

Just dead. A dry conversation.

 

The other person messaged me first so I was excited yet scared. See this person is my ex’s friend so I got scared they’d ask me about it. No they just wanted to chat. Not long before they said one word then left me on read.

 

Do you see why I grow so tired having to try again? I don’t want to keep restarting over and over again. I just want… one friendship.

As long as I have one, then I don’t care so much about my failures. Then I’m okay with getting left on read or not clicking with others, because at least I know I have someone I can talk to and just… be myself with.

But dealing with this this, alone, with nowhere to go. It hurts.

 

All while he gets to have friends. He gets to have all sorts of people left and right. HE gets their attention. HE gets their friendship. HE gets it all without even trying! Down to the damn point he gets to complain about all these messages and gets to go on DONT DISTURB, simply because the messages are too much. Oh, f*** off.

 

I just get angry thinking about it. That stupid feeling of wanting him to feel hurt. I wish I had people. I wish he didn’t have people. I wish he could feel what I’m going through, not just about the break up.

Man, I don’t even have anyone to say goodnight or good morning to.

 

I just go through the day fearing when these feelings are going to come out. Anytime I’m with family, I’m just pacing and trying hard not to cry. Sometimes it gets to the point I have to turn around and hide my face just to squeeze it and hold back a frown. My eyes get watery. Dude, I was eating Chinese food at the dinner table with my family. I had to sneakily wipe a tear away.

 

I was doing good up until now. I’m crying. Damn it. I have work tomorrow morning.

Unlike the weekend, I can’t just play a game or work on a project until I work myself to sleep.

Now I have to lay in bed and hope I fall asleep fast enough before these thoughts come in. I’m trying so hard to just stop it.

But here I am, laying in bed and crying. I don’t want to go back to crying myself to sleep and loathing just how lonely by day has been.

 

God damn it: I hate going to sleep like this, because I can’t help but realize, is this really all I did?

 

I slept in late, woke up only to lay in bed and eat some left over Chinese food. Then I worked on projects and streamed a bit. Back to bed.

This is really it?

 

I’ve started posting on social media more, hoping that would atleast make me feel like I exist. Seeing those likes mean nothing to me but to confirm that someone saw. Some people saw me. It’s blissful in the moment.

 

I can’t contact him. I want to so bad but… I can’t. I have to make it alone. I’ll just have to cry until I’m tired. But this is annoying, I work in a few hours so I better not take long.

 

To him, f*** you and your friends.

To the others, f*** you and I’m sorry I’m not pleasing enough to be friends with.

To myself, f*** you for not being more okay with have no ones and being content with the bare minimum.

 

Rot in hell. ✨✨

 

That was oddly calming to say.

Go die! Go die!

Feels good? Though that’s more towards my feelings LOL. It feels good to tell my feelings to go die.

 

Because let’s be real here, it’s not no ones responsibly to keep my social bar up. No one is obligated to be my friend. I just have the terrible luck of well… not finding people that care or friend me the way I’d like them too. I don’t think I have high standards, but at the same time it has to be my fault. I mean… there’s a reason those people aren’t going out of their way to interact right? Be it just life getting in the way but… see? This is why I can’t be upset with them. I don’t know them. They don’t think anything of me.

 

 

Haha, hell, even my old friends don’t have anything to do with me anymore. They all have better people to hang and talk to on occasion. Me? They don’t even say hello until I do, and if ever, they just need something from me.

 

That’s all I am. Just someone you know.

Nothing more.

 

I have confidence and I don’t have low self-esteem.

Yet… why is it like this?

When things get better, and I think it’s different, I’m back here?

 

Every winter. Is is just a reset? Am I cursed with resetting and starting all alone every winter?

 

This is a pretty sh*tty curse. Everyone just leaves around this time and I have to try to reach out to old and new people every time.

 

It just hurts. Starting again. And again. It’s always the same outcome. Always.

 

Id like to believe it’ll be different. I just have to go through the same thing again and again until it does.

Surely it’s optimistic, but it hurts.

 

You can do it Momo! You’ll do great!

Momo, you’ve made it this far and you’ve done it three times. What’s a fourth time? Yeah it’s sucks and you hate it but hey, you’ll find people that will be there for you. They’re there by their own choice and they I’ll invite you to hang out. They’ll ask you how your day was. They’ll ask you what you’re doing. They’ll ask what music you’re listening to, maybe talk about how awesome that song is! Maybe even talk about how they discovered that music artist.

They’ll come to you one day.

 

For now, Momo, I hope it’s okay that you’ll only have me for awhile. I may not be real or be able to send you invites in a traditional way… but I hope I can become something similar. Like an imaginary friend! You’re thoughts will be my voice.

 

With that said: you wanna listen to music and fall asleep together?

 

 

 

Yeah, I’d like that. I found some songs you might like.

 

 

Sweet, let’s go!! Also, goodnight Momo.

 

 

Goodnight Momo. 💛

01/18/2022 05:15 PM 

Personal Already?
Current mood:  blah

We broke up, but we still like eachother. Ain't that interesting?
I didn't plan on saying anything but I couldn't just say I need more time to think when I've really already made my choice. There was a lot of crying and, I guess denial. Man... I feel horrible. I feel like I messed up, and honestly, I wouldn't deny it. It's really my fault. I didn't think it would lead up to this, or that the problem was this much of a problem to me.

Ideally, I would've liked to stay in the relationship and enjoy the luxuries that couples get, and share sweet moments like some cheesy TV couple. That's all. But that one thing... that one little thing just kept crushing me. If I can't sort that one thing out, then I can't have what I want.
Unfortunately, I wouldn't go through with it. So it came to this conclusion.
I've apologized, but doesn't feel like it's enough, and there's no way to make it up to them. I truely feel like this is for the best, for him and I guess for me. We're polar opposites and neither of us want to budge. Or atleast one couldn't even if they had the choice. It was all up to me. So yeah, I feel responsible for all the wrong.
Crazy, that one thing would solve everything, yet it's so damn important for me to stay where I stand. I didn't think I'd end up like this.

It's like some weed I found in the garden. To get rid of that weed, you just gotta dig out the roots right? So yeah, I dug for awhile, to fix that lovely garden we started growing. Then I dug, and dug, and dug... and dug until I realized just how deep rooted this rotton plant was. Did I give up?... on one hand, one can argue that yes, I did give up. On the other, those roots are made out of titanium, this weed is staying because it's not exactly a weed to be removed. It's a flower I'm mistaking as a weed. But hey, I could be wrong. 
I'm still arguing with myself about it.

Why me?

But, well, what's done is done. I know he's hoping I take it all back and magically change stance but... again this is for the best, and if I ever do change, well then great! And if it doesn't, I can't just have him waiting for nothing. And selfishly... I don't want that pressure in my subconcious. I'm sorry.

Now I'm just a bit lost. I kinda don't know where to go. He was the last person I could talk to so I guess I'm on my own.
I'm pretty stupid for doing that. Being in only a romantic relationship with no friendships... the friendships I did have were his friends, but even then they were never my friends. Yeah, I was part of the group but let's face it, they talk to him and they're there for him. We never talk outside of the social group. I'm not upset with them or anyone for that, just with myself.

Friends of my own... I would like that. I wanna be the one people admire and look forward to chatting! Sharing random junk and feel so comfortable to just text whenever and whatever.
Even the other day I was invited to some group event. It was someone's birthday, and by association, I got invited. Never met this person but hey cool, I was on that list. I stopped by for a few minutes and eventually left.
I was familiar with a few people there, and there were tons of people there. It's a huge event so I can't really be too upset that I didn't have anyone around me. They were all busy chatting with eachother and hanging with birthday boy. I talked with a buddy of mine but eventually they were off with another and I was left alone, just sitting there. Now normally when I'm with these people, I'm always off to the side kinda just watching. I don't really... click with them. Sure casual small talk, but nothing significant. Just have mutual respect and then leave eachother alone. Some do annoy me... but they're not bad people. Just something rubs me the wrong way and I don't really want to befriend them. Though I don't have any room to complain, now do I?

Anyways, being there, times x5 the amount of people, it got all the more lonely. I hated the noise, everyone having fun, and with the relationship on my mind... yeah I decided to just head on out.

Well, time to figure out what I'm gonna do with myself. Finding friends, occupying my time in the meantime and get used to a new normal. I'll be strong, and I'll be alright. Gonna do my best. Either that or I bawl my eyes out, and frankly I'm a bit scared of that last one LOL.

Alright, well, goodnight, you'll probably hear from me often for awhile until I sort myself out. I hope you've been having a better day, even by a little bit. It's refreshing to hear others have a good one.


 

01/12/2022 12:52 PM 

A New Safe Space
Current mood:  tired

We'll see how long I'll last to keep a virtual journal on here. For now this entry will be a bit lazy as it is almost midnight... I should've been working on some art projects but decided to work on an online journal instead.
I'll improve my blog and such overtime, again can't go all out on something I may not even use in the next month or two.

I don't really expect myself to write everyday or too frequently, really it's like writing to a penpal or something. A penpal that never really writes back... not much of a good penpal in that case but works for me.

So what's planned?

Just my mindless ramblings. Again treating it like I'm writing to a penpal so I'll just complain about some stranger I came across at the mall, or some project I'm stressing about. Which reminds me... I should be working.

What are you working on?
A 3D project. Computer modeling. Like working with clay except you only see it on a 2D display. Honestly reading that sounds stupid, but I'll keep it. I've had this project on hold for about a week now simply because I'm lazy and I've been slacking. I mean, I didn't mean to not work or get distracted. Time just flew before I realized it... I have a hard time focusing but I can't tell if it's really because I struggle with it or I simply don't want to and am in denial of admitting it's all intentional.

Whatever it is, I should really sneak some work in. Its already past midnight.
I'll try to feel a little bit accomplished. Wish me luck!

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