10/11/2022 05:41 PM  10.11 Current mood:  fermented another winter comes to wake me up another year fizzling out, a vision still waiting somewhere on the horizon Of a year, of a feeling, something new but it's always blurred out by memories the past loves to sink it's teeth into my neck somehow more than i love to sink my teeth  Into yours  Into your heart, i wonder if i still have a place my tiny shard of glass I decide today i am going to rearrange my room I am going to clean up under my bed i cant help but feel sick while doing this Remembering how things used to be You've gone off to college, I know no one anymore i don't even know if i want to. I hate people But no matter how much you go dark on me at times I could never hate you. I feel sick thinking that in my mind It's almost like just yesterday we were 15 Walking around at midnight in the cold everything sucked but it all made us giggle night after night, sleep deprived to delirium  just like when we were 16 and soaking wet because i fell into the lake, we laid out under the stars and talked for hours Me doused in dirty water and freezing Like we were 17 and you saw me drunk for the first time and i told you i wanted to reach into your chest And squeeze your heart with my hands and its almost like a second ago  it all happened now you have no place for me  At least it seems so When i hear her name i feel nauseous  Because i suspect you may like her better how could i compete with someone like that? i couldn't. I wouldnt. Have what you will. Have what makes you happy. gorge yourself in it until you throw it up And it vaguely resembles some memory of me. I love you. And i wish that you understood. you are the only real one out there. I only ask for a small taste of your heart 0 Comments

07/21/2022 04:54 PM  A letter to an old friend. Current mood:  curious I'm in Louisiana visiting for the first time since I left here. It feels unreal. I feel like a new person but I'm not. And I'm surrounded by the ruins of what used To be.  I'm staying in the same ole apartment We always used to visit,  My grandma from My little brother's side.  Everything is the same. The floorboards, where they creak- The same spot.  It's like, when I step on them, I feel my soul  Creak too Where the past lays slumbering- Yet awake as ever, tumbling over familiar  Territory, relighting a painful yet nostalgic  Fuse.  Arson of the heart.  Horrible memories swirling in the old cupboards- Drinking them down in plastic Mardi Gras cups, Marked 2015. Parts of me, the more naive, unrefined remnants  Of my impish soul,  Giggling and dancing down the apartment steps. The grieving of a childhood lost,  All dancing in a disorienting storm. I posted up, that I had returned- Subtly, with a small tag. No grand entrance like I had done In your life when we were young. Part of my heart hoped you'd see,  My old friend, through thick and thin- Who's blood I spilled, accidentally. Yet we both drank it up, giggling.  And to make it fair, I flooded the floor With mine. It was all red, but we were burning blue then. Maybe that was bad. Was it?  I let you decide. And you did. You saw. And i wish not that you think of me  If it brings pain to you anywhere- And I think it does. You went dark on location, I noticed. After I made my arrival. I did not reach out. I let you decide. And you did.  And I'm sorry for crawling into your soul Like I did when we were young And eating from the inside like you did Mine.  I cherish the bite marks you left in my heart  And soul. I clean them. I talk to them. I think the ones I left on you, are rotted.  You let them fester and that's okay. I'm infinitely sorry. I would tell you, but I won't force you to see Nor hear me. You have enough. You decided so. And I trust you.  As I always have, and it's been several years. Maybe in another life,  We'll get it right.  0 Comments

11/17/2021 04:29 PM  Hi:) Current mood:  hungover Do many people still use this site? I made my first account I think earlier this year or last year and people were really active. But there doesn't seem to be too many people online today. Anyways, hi:) I'm Celestia. Add me if you're reading this! And send me a song you like for me to check out. I'd love to make friends and find some new music   0 Comments

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