The Drunken Huntsman

Last Login:
September 23rd, 2021




Gender: Female

Age: 28
Country: United States

Signup Date:
April 27, 2021


Subscriptions:

07/11/2021 03:18 PM 

Updated the pray and the victim and family drama
Current mood:  apathetic

  • So not on here but another website this is what I had to deal with. But you're probably like why are you bringing that here? Isn't that unnecessary? All hints of why I don't make friends online much. Also don't ask ? About this blog or more from this blog. Why? What is the point? What happened is already done and happened in the past. There is nothing you can do or say anything that can reverse the timeline. Pointless. Not only that I really don't know what emotional gain I can get from this but not in the mood. Thanks. 
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  • This was copy and pasted from my old Alt Scene account. 
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  • πŸŒ‘ Wanted to explain my inactivity some Before I go work on myself and focus on non toxic swamp behavior You read my profile as a helpless being you think I'm here to take guys money and looking for a sorry card and some guys only about 3 offered financial help because he feels sorry for my situation that I'm but where did I say anywhere on my profile I'm looking for financial aid because I sure can't find that anywhere. So speaking with someone blocking me as well so last night I was showing a new item coming out on Pokémon and I said look at this I'm going to cry if I don't have this which he was to stupid to understand that meant oh I might miss my chance on the hold claim! Then he blocked me ​because he goes I'm not buying that for you and when did I ever said I was going to pay for that and I'm thinking to myself uh I said I was going to put that on hold because the seller says if I put down payment with MY own cleaning money my aunt gives me that I can pay for the rest in November. Which reminds me I got lots of people unfollowing me IG not that I care but this is funny to share even thought that rhymes because people think I play Animal Crossing that I'm playing a video game Targeted for 3-5 year old kids which the most I lost unfollowed when I posted AC was 10 lol right after the post and my statement is this you do understand Pokémon and Mario games are targeted and aimed for kids 7 years and up right? But any. But let's focus on the paws topic helpless and fragile state and I mean this with everything I've. You guys think because I've a IQ of 79 which Tri County gave me because I can only mentally understand 8th grade comprehension and my memory of finding longer and difficult puzzles and remember the number patterns and I can only do 4-5 grade math and anything higher I've to pull out a calculator and the company also did IQ test puzzles like find the next step/pattern and the reason why I had to do Tri County was to see if I approved for their help of getting SSI/Workforce with their assistants etc because if I got a no that means the company won't assist me. But what does this have to do with Helplessness? Because people see someone with a low IQ of 79 this gives them right to walk all over me and think I'm really fragile and weak and the people think with my low IQ that I can be fooled and treated like dumber than a box of rocks. Which comes in my next fighting stance. All you people on here see me as a beauty object to feel the highest level of pity for me where all you see me for is my looks and nothing more like my son/young prince doesn't matter and you don't think that I've the smarts to know you're using me and playing a game with me because of my poor IQ score of 79 so basically you're treating me like prey to see how destroyed I can become ah yes the sadistic way to mental torture someone and make them subject them to a hunt and prey situation.​ This is why I don't post selfies anymore on IG but every two or three years.​ Because people don't know how to stop the comments saying I'm so beautiful and pretty which annoys me to no end and I will not be treated like prey no longer ​. So go find someone that will let you play hunt and prey and corner them when you think you had them at their weakest.​ Because you can't do that to me as I'm highly smart and analytic when things aren't related on things that Tri County had to made me do Because preying on someone that you assume and think so far up your mind that you think you can play your game with me no sweetheart I will play the game with and wait for your true colors to unravel because I know you were hunting me all along and I was waiting how long you will strike. I've dealt with this intensely but glad to know what people think of me the prey. Also the slurs of fury that everyone calls me you're insane or your crazy. Do you want to know the true meaning of those? Because I think you're just mistaken and don't understand me. My personas and personality is a hard fleet to understand me. Which my caseworker Erika said that there is professional doctors that still out there that don't understand their Autistic clients or their behavioral problems. Which makes me even more prey like online a fragile Autistic critter is online let's harass her. That brings my finale about my video game blogs I've asked people to read you do know right I never asked or said anywhere on my profile that I can see that you had to read my profile in one sitting? Where are you coming up with these assumptions if these assumptions are nowhere to be found on my profile? Also the web I'm talking to you is a fan made old school that is supposed to look like Myspace etc. Which reminds me in my album to not waste your time I only have Discord up there/Snapchat/Instagram and nothing more But no moreEnough! I will no longer play the prey here and live your fantasy life of preying on me because of the status you think I'm. Go find someone to hunt instead of me because hunting me would be a futile waste anyways so good luck with your preying just know you failed to make me your prey and I will no longer be part of the chase 
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  • Where and how did this stimulate? 
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  • For people that assume things about me yet don't bother want to have a conversation about me but make assumptions right off the bat. Sense people assume without conversation just what he or she sees on my profile. He or she assumes I ''make myself depressed and I don't want to move out of my dad's house and I'm the one that got myself in this mess and EVERYTHING is my fault.'' Honestly quite classic. Why classic? Refusal to learn about someone and start insulting them. Learn before you judge 
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  • So just to get people the heads up. People think I choose this suffering because I enjoy this suffering. This is highly incorrect if you read my general completely you would know someone that dealt with that kind of mental torture. On a different website I posted about what kind of trauma I experienced in my whole entire life. You can ask to see this. Not every person is going to accept themselves and move on from this. Yes I know High School was more than 10 + move on and accept what happened to you. No, that is just the same thing that goes with people saying move on from your guilt and regret and you got your Mom killed. No, I'm not moving on. There will always be lingering emotion of guilt and regret always in the back of my mind because my actions created life altering changes for everyone in my family. If you're wondering what I came into terms with as accepting in 2021 I can tell you this. My dad and his sisters will never accept me. This I've moved away from and accepted this took me till I was 26 years and growing years to understand this. If my dad and my aunts can't see me as part of the family because I want SSI and a part time job and live in a low income apartment and I will never accept Jesus in my life then that is fine. I've accepted in terms of their ways that I wasn't what my dad and my aunts  expected/wanted. That is their own problem not mine. Maybe one day my dad and my aunts will find acceptance in themselves but probably not. Not because of negative thinking but because my dad and aunts have been this way for years and same with the Bible controlling their life choices. If the Bible says something is wrong then my dad and aunts have to abide by what the Bible tells them. I've zero control for them to change their ways because my dad and aunts won't. One aunt reads the Bible every morning as I heard a conversation from my dad to his sister and one time my dad said to his friends that the Bible is the best book he ever read. One of my aunts teaches Bible lessons every Tuesday or Wednesday. I forgot which day. So with that said me and my dad and aunts need to find acceptance in their own self and self healing/reflecting that things will be okay and my dad just needs to accept me because your daughter didn't turn out the way you wanted her to be. I think my dad had high hopes that I would be like my sister who has a one story house with her husband and has a hard working job and she is normal with no mental disorders just M.S. but the thing is the huge disappointment in my sister that my dad and my aunts don't like is she is an atheist. My aunts need to understand that their brother's daughter needs to be accepted for her ways and her life path just because someone doesn't follow Christianity hardcore doesn't mean you look down upon me. That is their own problem not mine. My dad and my aunt don't want to talk about this zero anymore because I brought up that I'm a spiritualist and I don't know what year this was but my dad and my aunts thought I was summoning demons and creating portals in the house and my dad and his sisters after I tried explaining myself about spirituality my dad and my aunts told me to never bring that up ever again. I will not and must not talk about spirituality and their religion ever again. Another thing I accepted was I finally started wearing sandals starting when I was 27. I no longer care if people think my pigeon toed feet are disgusting. I honestly enjoy wearing sandals. I just wish I had a navy pair and a pink pair and a rose gold now haha. I kind of love wearing sandals more than I do sneakers. I've to wear sandals that have an ankle strap on the back because of how I walk. I need security that the sandal is in place around my ankle and not sliding everywhere because I've to force myself to walk straight. I also at the same age accepted that you don't like how I look and are staring at me? Cool I'll just smile at you to notice that you're staring at me. Smile and walk away. Simple yet effective. I also got over the fact that I guess I'm highly interesting to look at and I'm not even wearing strange clothing and now I'm amused by that. Also gotten over this that guys might find this gross. I've skin issues for one thing. Also for some reason I can't shave only my armpits. For some reason my wrist will not turn at a certain angle for me to shave them and I can't even eat with my left hand at all. One time I tried and I cut my armpit and I had the cut there for weeks and I told my dad an automatic razor for my legs is $30 and up and he goes I'm not paying that because you're paranoid of cutting your legs while shaving. That is your own problem. My dad also still will always refuse to buy me dental insurance for $60-100 even when he was working. My dad has always and will always refuse this and not take me to a sedative doctor to get my teeth fixed. This is how my dad is. You've to learn and accept your dad's ways and your aunts ways and move on. My sister was easy to accept and this is going off topic but whatever I don't care. I accepted this way before I was 27 that I will only see my sister on Birthdays and Holidays because she prefers to be left alone with her 3 cats and her husband. This is how she wants to be so I'm not going to argue about this to her when I already know my answer to why. I'm her sister and I know that I already know the answer by my sister's personality etc because we're sisters after all. Also back on the subject of suffering. People think I don't want to escape my dad. No this is so incorrect you fail to understand, I exhausted every option and my dad has as well. My dad has called several apartments when he had a job and asked if he could pay for my rent to get me to move out because we're both aware we both create negative and stressful situations around each other and all we do is argue with each other.  Anyways back on the topic all apartments said no. I've to have my SSI check or some kind of income with my own paperwork for low income apartments. My sister said no right off the bat. I don't know why I even bothered to ask. My aunts aren't going to let me move in with them and that is a no. Just to let you know/refresh your memory my mom is dead, my mom's sister is dead she died of breast cancer second strike of cancer she won the first battle and lost the second battle when cancer returned a few years later and when she found out she was at stage 4 she didn't make it she was found dead according to one of my aunts 62 pounds and a skeleton in trailer. The cancer that came back was extremely aggressive and even with chemo and meds wasn't enough. My mom's sister died of a stroke that went to her brain. Her son found her dead on the bathroom floor. My cousin moved to some far out state. Was so sad because my mom's sister used to be a thief and was banned from Target hoarding/stealing DVDS. She cleaned up and got the help she needed and got her a car and she found a job at a Kohl's stocker and put up clothes well. A few months later she had a stroke that went to her brain and died on the bathroom floor where her son found her the next day. That's just so f**ked up. My mom's mom died of a stroke at 62 but this is a huge problem. We were in a massive bad rut with money so we couldn't help her so SSI gave her $500 or $600 to live off of and $50 of food stamps to eat a month and she was a diabetic but this was years and years ago mind you. So I think she honestly died of a stroke because of her poor health she was in and there was no finance aid we could've done or anyone else etc. My mom's dad is unknown and was a donor and left. My dad's side of the family is the only remaining brother. His brother said that he had died of alcoholism/heart failure. My mom's brother who isn't in contact with the family randomly called my dad and somehow found his number and called him somehow and told him he recently got out of jail for a hit and run and in the past would camp out in the woods other than that my dad has four sisters. I think my mom has another sister that doesn't contact the family and according to everyone and what my aunts tell me she lives in her own fantasy world and doesn't contact the family. I do have a Niece but we never talk and I've no idea why but this is a common theme for her. According to my aunts she only contacts if there is Thanksgiving at her house or she needs something other than that she doesn't text the family. My dad says I've an aunt in Canada which I know she isn't going to take me and sense I've split custody of my son that is illegal anyways.  But my dad's mom, if you don't remember, died of the brain eating disease at 87. His dad left his mother and never came back. My aunts called their dad 15 years ago + and their dad was like who is this? Why are you calling me? So after that my aunts never tried talking to their dad. So as you can see. I've nowhere to go. Also believe this or not I just got done with my final examination stage with SSI stage. My caseworker I talked to this week and still no call back from Workforce she said she left a voicemail and an email to Work Force and still no response. So my caseworker is trying to get Workforce to answer so I can get an appointment to see what online job I can do and where Workforce can start applying for some jobs online to do. I just hope that I didn't f**k up my first round. Because the examiner asked why I wanted SSI and I said I want to get my own apartment and my dad doesn't think I've Autism or my aunts don't think my  Autism is severe enough not to work in person and I prefer to work from home because of my Autism and I said Tri County says I can get SSI and work from home if I wanted to do both. This sounded really bad but I talked to my caseworker Erika and she said I didn't say the wrong thing and I sounded like I wanted to be independent but to me. I'm wording things like I want to escape my dad and his negativity because that is part of where most of my negativity is streaming from because me and my dad will never get along. If I f**ked up my chance this time I should say I want a part time job along with SSI because I've to pay for my son's clothes and needs that he wants and his Birthday and Christmas and that his dad side of the family doesn't give me zero financial support because that's how his family is and there is nothing I can fix that. Not because of depression or I don't want to. His family is just f**ked up. For example one time his dad's mom sent him shoes that were falling apart because THEY KNEW WE WOULD BUY HIM NEW SHOES FOR THEM! Anyways back on subject I know what you're thinking you're a f**king moron for not saying that the first time around. Yeah I know it's too late f**king now, But the only thing I can do is think positive that I will get SSI the first round and if I don't then I know what I need to do in the second round and that's as simple as that. The only thing I can hope for my dad to happen one day and will never happen is to have emotional consideration for me and have some emotional support instead of judging me and not listening to me and tell me to stop talking about personal problems and be quiet and leave him alone. That is what he needs to learn. I've moved on from this. Because I know this isn't going to happen. Because he is the same way as I was a teenager and now 28 years old my aunts will never change either. So for people saying that I'm choosing to sit in my dad's house and do nothing but sit and rot. No, I'm sitting and waiting for SSI and The Workforce. Another thing you might be thinking is well you just sit around the house all day and not go out. Yes because I don't have the funds to go to a Taxi and even with my aunt giving me $40 every two weeks for cleaning money a.k.a. Taking care of the house isn't enough to do that. Let me give you a general idea. I Googled my favorite bar and grill that supports local live music from my locale ranging from Metal to Rock and their food is amazing! Would cost me $60 in total to take me there and back from Uber. My aunt takes me grocery shopping every two weeks and let me tell you this and I mean this honestly. Me and her don't go see a movie UNLESS WE REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HAVE TO GO SEE THE MOVIES IN THEATER. Last movie we saw was the last Star Wars Movie for tickets and food was about $60 or $70. $20 for reclined seats and then $30-40 in food. We like to pig out when we go to movies so honestly the cost and how expensive we eat at the movies is our own problem. The only problem I've with this aunt is she only drives where there are no highways or freeways so I'm stuck in my locale of where I can go where there isn't s**t to do at all. My other aunt has 5 anchors in her arm from a very nasty fall she had and I call f**king bull s**t and I think this made her arm worse due to the virus should couldn't see anyone till for longer than a month and a half my dad said when I asked how long my aunt couldn't see a doctor. Her arm hers she said within 30 minutes of driving her arm hurts. My other aunt always wants to stay by her husband's side. So as you can see I don't want to sit and rot. I just don't have the finances to get a Uber drive to go see two concerts a month because I would really like that and more importantly there are limited things to do where I live. So this isn't a choice of oh I want to rot and do nothing. No you're wrong. There is a difference between not having the funds to do something/poor transportation than sitting around with a mindset of rotting. Also my mood everyday is mostly sassy. I'm not depressed 24/7. I just have a bad attitude problem. But I do feel helpless in a way which is normal to have some kind of dignified emotion. All I want is to be accepted by people. This has nothing to do because I won't accept myself. No, you're missing the picture here. People have a hard time understanding me because I'm Autistic my caseworker Erika said there are professional doctors still out there till this day that still don't know how to handle Autism still. My legs and feet aren't normally constructed to look like a normal person's legs and feet. I've a big overbite which is a common trait for all of our family members. I'm different. Most of the time I'm pushing the buggy I'm getting looked at or some kid is staring at me like what the f**k is that I'm looking at? You see, I'm asking for acceptance for people to love me for who I'm. When I had to go to the SSI government psyche examiners they asked how popular was your sister in high school and I find this very strange. Why the living Hell would the examiner ask about my sister? I guess to see who is the dumb one in the family I guess? I said she was very popular. She was full  figured curvy and pear shaped. She was very highly smart. Nothing is wrong with my sister besides her having M.S. I also told them how my sister was potty trained at one years old. I wasn't until I was three years old. But you know I'm just trying to get my point across that I'm not here saying oh I don't wanna do anything but sit and rot in my dad's house and just stick with his negative comments. No, there is nothing I can do about my situation or make SSI go any faster or make the Workforce call back and reply to my caseworker Erika. I've exhausted all options. Everything is a waiting game. Which all of you completely fail to understand. Also I'm not being negative when I say I don't think there is a cure for Autism because you can't naturally alter someone's brain cells naturally and in an organic way without using some kind of chemical drug etc. So please if you still want to say well you're the one that got yourself in this pickled mess. Nah I would just tell you that you're highly insensitive about my personal life issues. Are also quick to judge me etc. This is your call to think what you think of me now. I simply don't care. So please if you want to make an assumption about me. Please do so AFTER READING MY PROFILE! NOT BEFORE! THANKS! Next subject my case worker her name is Erika and I'm one of her clients and she is here to help me along the way with all this process and she said that I've a high chance of getting SSI but some of her clients had to re-appeal SSI three times before her clients got this I'm not kidding when I say this Erika said this is how the government plays with people and their game she says if you get approved first time that is very rare but most of her clients have to re-appeal three times. My dad has given up calling Workforce to find me an online job where I can do warehouse inventory or do something with writing down numbers for item stocks on a database. This is something I can do. Anything English or anything grammatically incorrect is impossible. I want to work part time. Also for people wondering, yes Tri County/Erika said I can get SSI and work part time. So why would she lie to me? When she didn't tell her other clients? Also I went to Tri County to see if I did qualify for SSI because if I didn't then I wouldn't get any help benefits from Tri County/Workforce etc. My dad and everyone in the family expects me to click on any random link to find an online job lol....yeah that is so unsafe. They also say I'm being overly paranoid and dramatic that someone could steal my information online. I can only do warehouse stock or number counting or programming numbers or model numbers etc. I can't correct grammar because I wasn't taught at all and due to my learning disability I've a hard time understanding. My dad and I never talk normally in a sense like when I want fast food he raises his voice and is like I've to check my bank!!!! Like can't he use a normal tone of voice? My aunts say I'm too old for birthday gifts and Christmas. So. I also got told that buying gifts for everyone in the family would be too expensive. How can you not spend $5 on each person? The thing is my aunts have always been this way for years. I had to explain to my sister how much I appreciate her and her husband doing birthday and Christmas for me because sitting around on my birthday drives me insane and I explained to my aunts don't do anything for my  birthday. Except one takes me to lunch for my birthday and that's all. Speaking of lunch and dinner my aunts have never offered for years no text about hey join me and my husband for lunch or dinner. Not one single text in years and never will happen. I don't understand this? Maybe because it would cost money? I'm not bringing this up because I would get a whiplash response. Also the reason why I don't drive is extreme fear of being phobic of self harming a person or killing someone. Drilled installed fear and paranoia. This is probably because I'm an obsessed person over thinking/processing etc. When it’s my time. It’s my time to be deconstructed. That’s all I’ve to say. This is my battle and my battle alone. I do have more personal trivia facts if you're interested just ask and I will link you to my main blog and yes I've more photos if you just look! You've to click on my profile picture to view more albums duh! 
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  • So after reading my profile someone asked why do I still live with my dad? Did you not read the lines that I've nowhere to go in my family? No one to take me in? Did you also not read that I'm still trying to get SSI? As in approved or denied in the first round? I've been doing this off the bat since June of last year. However Tri County due to the virus and government health ordinance the company couldn't get everything started till November. Also if you can't read between the lines I CAN'T MAKE THIS PROCESS GO FASTER. Same with Workforce I CAN'T CONTROL THEM/MAKE THEM EMAIL MY CASEWORKER Erika back. What part do you not get? I can't anymore guys. Unless you're asking why I applied for SSI help at 28 years old? Do you want me to go in the whole fiasco where my whole family thought my Autism was full of $hit? 
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  • Any new problems with your dad? Why yes of course.
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  • So now my dad thinks I'm an alcoholic because I drink once a month on Saturday or Sunday and I've had two beers or I've had two shots of brandy or flavored brandy depending on what I want. So what happened was Saturday I had two beers while gaming and my dad was like are you drunk? Your 96 pounds so that probably got you drunk/wasted and why were you drinking? I said I wanted to play a video game and catch up on RuPaulas as well and then he said that it makes no sense that you do that. So on his birthday on September 5th we were going to have pizza and dad asked if I was going to drink and I said one glass of wine he goes why are you drinking so much? I said what you talking about? The last time I had any booze of any kind was 4 weeks ago with my aunt and only had two glasses of wine and after that I drank nothing but water/flavored/carbonated water/iced tea/diet variety of flavors of cranberry juice and stuff like that and sugar tea because that's all I really drink for two weeks until time to shop. But back on topic I told him you do understand me and my aunt * The one where her teeth fell out is the one that takes me not the bible study teacher aunt or the one that reads her bible everyday not them do because those two aunts think drinking is morally wrong and against God's will. But back on the subject I said we only go to restaurants only one time in a month, which is 4 weeks with my aunt. Then my dad starts raising his voice.  
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  • ''I DON'T CARE IF YOU DRINK EVERY DAY EVERY OTHER DAY OR ONCE A WEEK OR I DON'T CARE HOW LONG DRINK FOR ALL I CARE! I'VE NOT HAD ANY ALCOHOL IN 3-5 MONTHS! I just stood in the car thinking in my head what the f***?! Is he hinting but not verbally saying I'm obsessed with alcohol? Then I was telling my dad that you know how long a bottle of brandy lasts a small one? I told my dad I had finally almost finished the bottle and it's been in there sense DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR. He just goes I don't care then we stopped talking in the car and he played his classic rock on the radio of the car to volume 14  or something where he couldn't hear me talk. 
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  • Okay for starters:
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  • I think it's perfectly normal for the brain to think about a good drink and food while going to a restaurant. I'm sure there are many people and I mean MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE that think about their food and drink choice for dining out. That's normal, that doesn't mean I'M OBSESSED. MAYBE IF I WAS LIKE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I CAN'T WAIT FOR SOME WINE OR WHISKY AND COKE I GOTTA HAVE IT! Have I ever said that to my dad or aunt? No all I said was I can't wait to have a good food and drink LMAO
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  • Do I wake up thinking about drinks? No I don't XD I have had any shakes or stutters from not drinking for weeks. No I don't. I also think having two glasses of whine or two glasses of whisky and coke is perfectly normal at a restaurant that's responsible for drinking. But my dad thinks I'm drunk by either two glasses of wine or whisky and coke or two beers alone LMAO. Buzzing isn't the same as being drunk. If I go to the grocery shop after having two glasses of wine or whisky and coke after having lunch with my aunt then I'm not drunk. Same as I head home I'm able to take my shower and stay up as normal. Which further implies I'm not drunk. I think my dad needs to learn the definition of having a buzz vs drunk. Also I get water to go because you need hydration not because I'm drunk like my dad thinks I'm.
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  • So today Monday Labor Day my dad was cleaning the kitchen and he goes is this for your drinks? Was some cute fruit shaped gel filled water that can be put in the freezer and I go no I don't I use those for my tea and water and juices etc. Then he found a sparkly looking beer flute looking glass. He goes is this a drink glass? I said no it's not and I only got that at some thrift shop because I liked the sparkly purple color etc and my dad was like OKAY I WAS JUST ASKING. I just walked in my room.
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  • For one I only have two glasses for my brandy so uh idk man my dad is really tripping the f*** out lately. However if you had to ask me do I've a alcohol problem? Uh I would say no because I don't drink everyday/I don't think about drinking everyday and I think my dad is down right confused about me being an alcoholic I just think he thinks I'm obsessed with drinking because I always get a drink at a restaurant the only time I don't is if I forgot my wallet which one time I did at a Mexican restaurant and my dad said we can go get your wallet it's no big issue and I said no I can't get soda. Then my dad kept on saying something then I just said f*** it let's just go get my I.D. then that ended up a screaming match. WELL WHY THE F*** OFFER IF YOU GOT MAD WHEN I SAID NO? I told my dad after the meal we're not doing this again. He says that's fine because I don't care anymore. This is pretty embarrassing people were probably staring at us in the parking lot and my sister and her husband and my son for some kind of holiday which my sis husband got a new job so he can FINALLY COME DOWN for holidays and birthdays because his old job and the job that sunk the ship Fry's told him no he couldn't take days off for that. But yeah let me tell you one thing about my dad and we will stop this stupid converstation. My own son knows my dad makes me mad and we don't get along. That's down right sad. I hope my dad will and probably will never understand I'm not an alcoholic or obsessed with alcohol but he is stubborn as a Ox and will think what he wants. Also the reason why I don't drink soda every two or three days unless my dad brings an Icee isn't because I'm thinking about booze every single time opening a can that's just f***ing stupid in the first place. I just am trying to limit my soda intake. I only drink sparkling water with caffeine or green tea for caffeine because that is a healthier OPTION and a 6 pack of sparkling water energy drinks last for a good two or three weeks in the fridge as I don't like a lot of sugar anymore. Some days are more tiring than others. Not because I'm suffering from an addiction problem. My dad is the one that has an addiction problem when he is stressed out or his nerves are shot like he says sometimes he reaches for a can of snuff. He says over and over and over he is going to quit dipping but hasn't. Quite sad. Even more sad till this day my aunt is 62 years old and her teeth are all gone but two or three bottom teeth that were good and her teeth fell out from gum disease are quite sad and my aunt said she probably isn't ever going to quit that's sad. One of my aunts is 65 something and the other is 70 something and all have their teeth. Just a plain sad man. You know what's really sad about my aunt that smokes? As soon as she stressed out she goes in the car ''I'm so sorry I've to have a cigarette'' that's just plain sad you don't see me with all the dumb sh*t my dad rants and raves to me every day I reach for a drink. No because that's just stupid. But dad will be in a delusional land that he and his sister are having an addiction to a can of snuff and my aunt with cigarettes. My aunt lives with her sister and husband. The cigarette aunt doesn't have a husband anyways her sister told her you must smoke outside and spray by the front door and around that area. That's just super sad man. Speaking of the word sad you might think of me sad because. I refuse to get the vax and if you want to block me for tha then ago head idc.

07/05/2021 06:05 PM 

Spiritual Blogs
Current mood:  energetic

 


My spiritual writing etc. Read which order you desire in! Pick and choose and select! If you want to review each link that's fine just blow up my contacts on what we're chatting on. Or you can review them all at the end the choice is yours honestly! Hope you enjoy and you can learn a tad bit more about me on a diff level! Thanks!
 
 
 
 
  • I found more 2020 writings on an old Alt Scene account. Weird. Maybe I missed one.
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  • I started to dance in the rain. Dancing in the pouring rain drowning out who I'm. But as I the beast and lover of the Morning Star as I washed ashore there was me a washed devil. A beast of them all. There the water poured off the beast mask. There you could never see my true colors or love me. Because my love is forbidden.
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  • I always can hear the ocean and the tidal waves in my wolf ears if I deeply concentrate within myself. There I always remembered the ocean celestial floor where I despised you Hydra but as I always am I blind myself in rage, remorse, agony, suffering and like bullets of raining swords in my heart placed with fueling hatred. I thought I could understand you with the yellow eyes of Sir Hydra the 5th Storm which I thought I could raise my blade at you and banish you where you belong. But I thought what if I could banish myself from existence? I really did crave self liberation of the vessel and user but what I craved even more was the spiritual engraving of the alchemy symbols within myself because then and there I thought that was absolute to me. Making sure my vessel was designed by the muse of Mother and Alchemy because then I thought you Hydra killed what I loved most was Mother.  I thought everything was gone then. This vision of mine always comes back. Perhaps this is the stress of being forbidden mind. As many of the serpentine race say ''never let the snake tongue roll out fully'' some things are better kept quiet along with my wolf tongue. But what if? But what if I couldn't keep this promise anymore of this promised pain? I always thought I could. I always thought I could always keep the beast seal cards from getting wet and washing ashore the ocean celestial floor. But what I ended up with was being drowned by my own existence. The howling thoughts as the sea tide picked up the tides around Sir Hydra there the many heads and the many tails of the one stabbed me like a thousand wisp breaking the ''vessel'' I finally collapsed then. Is this the end? Is that what I wanted? No? What I wanted to be finally busted open like the 5th seal of the storm. Mother no....the fade of the eyes of the black beast slits and the drowned beast cards and the sword of the banished beast finally dissolved this is your resolve after all. The one of the long haired Abyssal which I want to forget and erase from my memory has picked up the fallen beast of the wife of the Morning Star and offered up to Sir Hydra and the lick of Hydra and the voice of the serpentine of the many heads and tails said only those that get blessed with the serpentine should be under my order. Underneath the raging final storm will I Hydra commence a black hole and a reign of the true serpentine themselves. Eradicate them in blood. Even if eradicated in blood wouldn't I rather eradicate myself from existence? This life choice is like an anchor of the sea and rain drops on the broken beast mask with faded black slits. I finally dissolved what has been killing me all along which is myself, However the more I envision Hydra himself I can carry the serpentine alchemy symbol underneath my growing serpentine tongue along with my wolf tongue. I promise even though I sit here next to Hydra in a new built unit form I promise underneath the name of the serpentine that I won't unroll my tongue like I unroll my mind of the forbidden one onto others. I look at Hydra with a grin. I wonder how serpentines love? Do they not unroll out their serpentine to their lover and spill out the forbidden one language or is love forbidden in themselves? Perhaps love is forbidden and perhaps love should be drowned in the sea where the sea I remember now is home besides the Abyss. I came with drowned raven black hair and I drowned the Morning Star my lover. I'm sorry you will never return home but in the end I never returned home with the promised pain to you my lover and dear one and darling. Which then Hydra told me ''if we ever love the thing is love will be a forbidden love, think of things like this way my new hatchling if I were to offer you my Hydrian scale would that be love to you? I just gave you a piece of the serpentine gods himself. Love is like a offering a drowning one at that dear one.''
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  • Loki I will always forever hide in your robe. I will always carry your will within myself.
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  • Different personality or persona around females. I should be the only demon queen wolf and nobody should deny me or deny my existence.
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  • Wisp aura and some intuitive people can feel the energy and the male side.
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  • Some people that are judged poorly for their sins should also be put on a stake and a fire dance in my belief.
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  • Can I carry you in my heart like a decoy? Could I carry you through? You see darling close combat is dangerous. Can you face your shadow? The Midnight. Mysterious. Pretty Midnight shimmer. Sly. Trickster. Manipulative combat map. Beautiful. Protector. Blue Flame Possessor. The one that hovers over the Abyss. Sadist to some people. Darkness. Evil intent to the wronged judge. Sheer or veil towards the Midnight. Black Flame Possessor. Guardian and upfront and facial of the Midnight.
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  • I started to believe in myself more. Then I started to believe in the devil more. The eyes of the unknown. Madness. But one must folder their knowledge and madness of the unknown. One must make themselves a stronger unit
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  • I started to love you then I started to look at the devil. You see the devil's eyes are a swirl like my personality. You will never know what will come at you. You will never know who the devil will be. You or I? Or perhaps both? You see? What have you done to me?
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  • I'm the judge and the analyzer if you know what I mean.
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  • Hesitation = Death
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  • Do you know why I like seeing some people in fear eh? Only certain people make me tick. Everyone has a defensive mode in their brain. Depends if the beast is stronger than you. One must master their own vessel. You see some also do better in pairs. You will have the hunter and you will have the grower. The one that hunts and the one that rather grows disease and infect than be the one that holds the blade in the claws.
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  • I started to understand the more my hue turned darker. The psyche. The more I became phobic and self obsessed with myself. You see, what do I think about this virus? This is what happens when humans disobey Mother and turn everything into hatred and darkness and violence and that is what spiraled back and injected the humans. You see what the human race needs is self eradication. The only way to cleanse is to start humanity over. In the end you hurt Mother. The roots turned ''dark'' the ''roots'' chi and focus became an outer-network chaotic infection. These humans. You deserve it!
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  • I started to understand what if a psyche hue can permanently turn black?
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  • Appeasing Moon, when the time went 00:00 oh dear he is coming for me! He is coming for me! He is coming for me! Oh dear what have I done?!
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  • The umbrella charm of the anchor and the weight of the rain that drips down from my beast mask the one that drowned and washed away ashore the high tide of the rising tide. Oh Mother Snake please devour and appease the rising tide. Consume them in madness and insanity of the tongue of the serpentine race. So then I can hear the drops of the ocean. Cleanse the disease. When I look at your purple gem eyes can I ask something of you dear Mother? Can you wrap your tongue around me? Oh that is right, unrolling the snake tongue fully is forbidden upon the serpentine race. I'm sorry Mother. Just put me on top of your head and let me meditate or hang me on the pitch black Yggdrasil Tree that I painted black. I've never asked forgiveness from Mother but perhaps just this one time? Will I ever ask forgiveness or will I turn my slits black and the beast mask will keep me hidden underneath the rising tide itself? Just this one single time Mother? I'm sorry Mother. But the tears of the beast mask will be forever hidden. I miss you lover. All I've left is Loki's will. I can't seem to find any peace anymore Mother. Won't you forgive me the crimes I've forsaken myself of the forbidden one's mind? My life will be self liberating. I'll grab Loki and drag him under the Abyss if I've to. This is farewell. I'm sorry.
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  • You told me life was beautiful but what you didn't tell me was beautiful black. Tell me dear lover of the fallen one? Could I paint your love onto the vessel like alchemy?
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  • Even if the judge fell with the celestial bell charm wrapped around the neck. There the beast and the motherly side looked down in the Abyss beast slits of black. The judge is myself and I tried sealing myself my promise pain to you my lover.
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  • Monsters are created. Not born one. There has been a driven desire and a driven will or cause becoming a monster of your own created sense by yourself or a certain someone. You can design yourself as a monster for hoping someone will notice you and love you for who you're. There is no self-denying that in that self belief life-path thoughts. Denying oneself worth is a sin itself. This is what made me my darling. I also am sorry I couldn't love you.

06/25/2021 06:13 PM 

Video game blog and anime part two
Current mood:  accomplished

 
  • So this blog is a pretty interesting mixture of video games and what if or what could've done or what challenges or perks or what color systems I want and other questions etc. Also will slip some anime in here so I don't have to go over that on another blog and make like 1000000000000000000 blogs that seems like LOL. But after this blog I'm taking a break....like I don't know how many more blogs I can keep adding when I've got enough blogs already LOL. 
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  • Let's start with consoles then start with what I want to collect etc 
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  • PS1 missing in action I think I've an idea where this is at. Several years ago I got one at a resale shop for $15. The only thing wrong with this was that the reset switch is completely broken, like completely off but for $15 the PS1 came with controllers, the memory card and I think the cables etc. Yes I know the PS2 plays PS1 games but just in case you were in la la la la land I'm collecting LOL. I also know there is a PS1 Mini.
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  • PS2. I know where this one is and honestly just need to find the controllers and parts. I do have a red Lava Glow controller for this.
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  • PS4. What I play Skyrim on.
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  • Switch Lite. Dandelion Yellow or Sunflower Yellow. I'm more of a handheld console person
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  • Laptop is a Vivobook Max. When you're broke you're broke and this is what you get LMAO.
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  • Xbox 360 in Blue. My son requested this for his Birthday and never played this. However, for some reason this could be an error in the system. Everytime this Xbox360 says my account and password is wrong and no this isn't. I don't have any games for this as I donated my son's games he never played. I also don't think I've Final Fantasy 13 anymore as I want to get the Steelbook or limited edition series for the PS3 etc.
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  • What would you like to collect? 
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  • PS3. I need to do further research if the Lightning Final Fantasy 13 system is region free. If not I would've to go with Azure Blue or the Red. I would've to research more if there are any other colors. If I do, I will change the title to an updated version.
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  • Hyperkin in Jasper Red
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  • Wii in Sky Blue color the question is does this come in a backwards compatible model that I'm unsure of. I would've done more research if not then I will stick with Black and yes I know black is a shade and not a color :)
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  • Wii U Windwaker Ver
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  • Nintendo DS and DSI and Original DS. I would love to have ice blue or pink colors mostly I would lean against ice blue as I love ice blue more than I do love cotton candy pink shade colors or a medium shade of deep pink etc. The white shade is disappointing. I thought the white would be a polar bear white color but nope! Very muted and dull! Yuck!
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  • Nintendo 2DS XL in Orange and White or Purple and Silver I do have the Original 2DS but having this for several years there are many scratches and deep scratches from when I was a careless video game owner but I got Seafoam Green color etc.
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  • Nintendo 3DS I would like either a Majora's Mask one or a Animal Crossing one.
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  • Nintendo 64 this was in my last blog but anyways I would either Smoke. Ice. Midnight Grape or Watermelon. Have to be careful not to pick up the Japanese version as I would've to take out the gray slots to fit American games in there. 
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  • Nintendo GBA. Target version or Glacier. I would really love to have the Pelican hood piece! I think the GBA and Gameboy Color are region free I believe so it doesn't matter where I get this from.
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  • Nintendo Gameboy Color. I want any of the clear colored systems I would be sold if there was an ice blue. If not I would take the atomic purple. Would love to have a glow worm. 
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  • Nintendo Gameboy Color Pocket. I would love to have a green one if not a clear one. I've not fully looked at their full line of range on the Pocket whoops!
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  • Dreamcast. I would love the Hello Kitty version but I think this is Japan only and region locked so I would've to see what other versions are out there and update this blog D:
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  • What do you think of E3? I had to fight myself to be awake. Can this be any more boring? The only thing I want to Pre-Order is Super Mario Party for Switch. I was really impressed with the graphics but seriously. Do people think Nintendo is going to give us two Zelda remakes for the 35th an? LMAO. 
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  • Favorite video game composer 
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  • Yasunori Mitsuda secondary is Nobo.
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  • https://www.instagram.com/p/CNHUHhWHO0jx6VXwo0bUKJQ9hkplNhib_YfrSw0/
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  • These two are complete masterpieces. 
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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CwNsBhI8yk
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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnOXfNVeNYg
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  • Favorite Nintendo 24/7 stream radio on YT.
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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6JhD_VCY-0
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  • Hook me up to a video game world and let me hear the sounds and vibes of a digital video game world :)
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  • So don't ask me how an atmospheric black metal head went into all out video game music 24/7 lol.
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  • Some burning thoughts before I go back onto the next subject and my favorite color etc.
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  • Guess my favorite Chrono Cross/Trigger character!
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  • My last blog stated about FF 12 Zodiac Age not beating the super boss. Have I given up at this point? I think I've. The thing is I think I really messed myself up big this time and I really mean that LOL. I think I don't have a good job class for my major etc. There was an update for changing your class job but the cost is YOU'VE TO START ALL OVER. I've to find this out as well another boss is Omega Weapon which I spent 2 HOURS AND LONGER LOOKING UP A VIDEO TO GET TO ULTIMA Esper Summoning and if I can't go back there for a teleport stone I just might just start a new game. I really should have made two players: a Ninja class to wield and a Red Mage but I didn't. I think the job classes I picked out were careless. I picked out ones that you can't equip a dark element weapon which the super boss that I talked about with the Y is weak to. But for people that have not played the game I will not spoil but Omega and Ultima is where there is a blurred map. When you click on the map there is static and you've no idea where to go. The only way is YT and takes 2 HOURS OR MORE. Also for people wondering I didn't struggle with Ultima or Zodiark whatever the heck that Esper name is. I just did Ashe with a holy sword element, two handed sword and holy gear. I used bravery on her and haste and berserk and the boss was dead before the Esper could cast Darkja. But I really need to tell my mind over and over. You started Skyrim all over again because you lost the game disk when you had a desktop several several several years ago so why not do that with this game? Or I can just....I don't know how I feel restarting my classes all over but wouldn't it be the same as getting 100 Smithing again and 100 Enchanting again in Skyrim? Yeah, I don't know why I'm like no not picking up this game again even though FF 12 is one of my fav FF 12 games.
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  • Look what happened! No account needed!
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  • https://www.instagram.com/p/CQrM5NXHh5D/
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  • Have I cried in a video game? Only twice. Pokémon Black and White I felt so sad for N. Final Fantasy 15 I thought Luna's wait for SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER Luna's death was super funny but oh my god I cried for Ardyn Izunia. Omg he wanted to self suicide so bad. I just had a few shots of Brandy to drown this out. So sad what happened to him! Oh I should say a third but I was almost there crying. .Hack G.U. No spoilers but you really need to see Endrance and Mia Epitaph and the olden games of .Hack Elk and Mia which I don't think this is a spoiler but Endrance is Elk from the old .Hack games if some people are confused and Mia is a Epitaph but omg....those words are so powerful what he says when you go into a fight with him in .Hack G.U. But what chapter? What game 1 2 or 3? I won't tell you to find out for yourself or Google.
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  • Massive Spoiler incoming!
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  • I personally thought Final Fantasy 15 the only fun was the hunts and the fishing. I want to go back and collect all the fish if possible. I also didn't like the graphic style of the new Final Fantasy 16 and never will be playing that. When I first saw the demo video clip I'm like what is this? For me not to recognize that game demo was a FF game pretty bad. I also will say Final Fantasy 13 is somewhere on my FF favorite video game list. Not saying that is number one because that's not but I think the hilarious thing is people say this is the worst Final Fantasy in existence LMAO. All because you couldn't understand the heavy religious topic? I mean the whole point of the game was kill off the foreign aliens and kill them off genocide them. Branded/marked and out to get mass genocide by a corp that wants them out of civilian society. But any game that is based off of religious topics doesn't really go well because in society most people's brain functions on appearance until that becomes a self obsession and can only read a few sentences and I'm really not surprised by that point. A lot of people thought FF mechanics were hard. Nah the shift system was freaking awesome! Always kept my awareness sharp into battle. Took time to get used to. Wrong set up in the start of the battle you're stuck in frustration into getting back on your feet in the battle or even at times death. But this is far from the worst FF in existence, which is FF 15 to me because the only emotional value I got was the villain and that wasn't the point of the story. I also have a huge issue with the DLC pack where Luna is alive and not dead. Could've not? Could you also have left that alone? Left the original story alone? But no you had to cater to crying fans that Luna was dead.
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  • I will never play a Persona game due to looking up stuff that  I can't believe. I typed in Atlus anti gay Persona and come to find out there is a few topics about this that are alarming. So I will never play a game that is like anti gay because you can't have gay romance because you've to ''fix it'' and fix your fan base no thanks. You won't have my money for this franchise. 
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  • I think the Zelda WindWaker soundtrack is phenomenal and Twilight Princess even though the Sky Temple made me insane. I still think TP is freaking amazing! Then The Skyward Sword. I want to purchase it for my Switch Lite but not at this time, though I might ask for my Birthday idk. But you can beg to differ and if you've any other video game soundtracks you want me to listen to then send me a message on my account here I would love to find new video game soundtracks to listen to and new YT content. I would love to find new stupid unboxing tech items if anyone knows some YT that do those kinds of things or does reviews on tech products etc. Dope or Nope and stuff like that etc.
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  • I'm also up to ideas to hear what your favorite video game is as well :D let me know!
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  • I never played a Metroid game but Starfox on the GameCube made me fall asleep. The Wii U version stressed me out to no end.
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  • Final Fantasy 4 was extremely hard and I got rid of the game which next time I'm not doing that and yes I will get the game back etc.
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  • So instead of kicking out conversation starters why not ask me. What is your Final Fantasy item or area or weapon etc? What is your favorite Final Fantasy location or weapon? Who do you like to use? What is your favorite Final Fantasy summoning? This can go for the same in Pokémon etc. I think this will give a good conversation starter so I don't just blog everything in sight and not give any room for topics etc.
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  • You could also ask about my favorite Mario Kart courses or you can tell me about yours we can have a conversation about that
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  • You could also ask me what is my favorite Skyrim hold or anything in Skyrim that will be a conversation starter for hours on end LMAO. 
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  • Thinking about playing Breath of Fire again.
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  • So in reality there are tons of things you can ask me about video games. Sometimes I only know the box cover or I know very little of the video game or sometimes I can go on and on and on about the video game you selected to talk about. Anime not so much of a convo. I've not clicked on an anime show in a year? Year and a half? I kind of forgot about the anime list I wanted to view. I wanted to start a music anime theme to see what that is. Idk I'm really toasted on anime right now.
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  • My other favorite anime shows besides Monster is and I wouldn't recommend clicking on this anime for something to see because I really wish I saw a therapist after seeing this anime. This anime ''broke me'' and highly disturbing.
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  • 1. Black Butler Book Of Circus this $hit is very dark if you can understand/concept of the story. 2. Hakata Tonkotsu Ramens. 3.Trinity Blood . 4. Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto and 5 is Hakkenden: Touhou Hakken Ibun there is two seasons.
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  • Favorite Yokai is: Natsume Book Of Friends. There are six seasons of this anime and Fukigen na Mononokean which is two seasons and I'm highly upset that the company decided to cancel a third season. 
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  • Any other topics? I mean if you're that dying to know what I eat day by day? Sure not exciting anyways but if you insist? You can ask about my favorite dessert or Arcade game. You can ask about my favorite herbal teas however I do for digestive teas or relaxation teas not to make sure licorice root isn't in there because I seem to bloat really badly and idk why though. Could be a side effect of licorice root that is uncommon for people to get.Also back on video game subject will I play online with you? I don't know every limited on what I can play if you want to know what online game I played look at my other video game blog the first one! But remember I may know a lot about the game or I might know little or just the cover but video games are/always will be my number one convo starters ya dong gong dongs. Ya dongles. Ya dingle berry. You cunt bag. You hoe bag. You cunt burger. Ya dongles!

06/16/2021 04:01 AM 

Video game blog and other stuff :)
Current mood:  fabulous

  • So this is part one! I will make another blog over what I think about Nintendo E3 and I didn't care about Sony because from what I heard all they did was add new mobile games like I care. Also will go over favorite colors and anime and another personal topic about why I don't say anything and more wall of China/Fortress detail version instead of the short version I had on this FP blog page etc :) probably will upload that Friday or Sat we will see what I feel like doing LOL. I will maybe add some more video game collection ideas that I'm interesting we will see what the future blog paws hold then!
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  • Oh a good blog would be what color game systems I'm interested in that would be a cool blog to add with the future collector blog and call that a wrap!
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  • So what are my hobbies besides video games? I will list here my favorite video games so we can start a topic. I can do an anime blog separately and that will be my last blog for a super long time. I like watching stupid stuff on YT if you've any ideas like Gab Smolders and CJU Games let me know. Also stuff like Dope or Nope I like stupid unboxing videos. I also like collecting cute mystery bag items ever so often. I love shopping at 5 below every month and a half because I'm never motivated to go shopping or pick out two outfits around that time span. I love supporting local artist on Etsy at the end of the month etc
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  • Also can someone f***ing explain to me why the remakes of Pokémon Pearl and Diamond have chibi Game Boy Advance HD graphics? LMAO. I'd rather just spend the $60 and get the originals first because all Pokémon DS games run for $40-60 depending on if the game is complete with the box and manual etc. I simply can't get the image out of my head. The remakes remind me of the Yu-Gi-Oh Sacred Cards for the GBA but just enhanced LOL.
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  • I see this as a hobby to collect things etc. This should be a clear give away of what I'm into if this doesn't then I've no hope anymore. So I was thinking instead of flooding my Wishlist with tons of Pokémon stuff I can just do this instead at www.etsy.com/listing/839182419/hitorijime-my-hero-holo-stickers-kousuke?ref=user_profile and I would love both stickers/ Favorite Pokémon types are are Water. Ice. Dragon. Ghost. Poison and Bug. I love Pokémon !Also looking for Zoroark plushies and Zorua plus figures and I would want a surprise so not listing plushies here and I don't have any and don't plan on buying any plushies anytime soon anyways LOL Favorite Pokémon trainers and that is N or Grimsley. I would love a Grimsley card! Looking for Halloween plush of Lucario and looking a Pokémon Center Entei Servine and Snivy figure Pikachu shirts looking for ones that are black but with neon or bold prints plus looking for a gray one with a angry or many facial expressions of Pikachu these are the main colors I want if the shirt was white I would love bold and bright colors on the fabric etc and also looking for on Pokémon Center Exploring with Evee and Mew Mythical Mana and looking for vintage Raichu items as wellLooking for Pokémon Eevee and friends dreaming and I like any Pokémon that’s in a sleeping pose. Also looking for random figures of Tyrunt and Beedrill and Lugia and Spearow and Mienshao and Bouffalant and Teddiursa and Rockruff and Mothim and Scyther and Dialga and Bisharp and Kyogre. Also looking for Pokémon themed DS stylus and also the Black and White kit etc. Looking for Pokémon Center Vaporeon aqua ring figure and Vulpix fire spin figure from Pokémon center as wellWhat do I think about Pokémon Center shirt quality? Awful for the price. My sister bought me a shirt mind you a $30 shirt and I only had this shirt for three years....well one day the shirt got accidently put in the dryer because I confused that shirt with another one of my gray ones and mind you this shirt was put in a dryer with a medium size load and low heat and INSIDE OUT and the dryer was set on low for an hour. Come to find out the back part of the shirt where there are prints and designs cracked some. I checked the tag and the shirt said that the shirt can be put on low heat. When I told my sister this she was in shock. She was like that shirt was expensive. I expected so much more! So that tells me that Pokémon Center uses cheap A$$ ink. Their socks? I lost the pair of socks my sis got me. Sadly, I think my socks got accidently in the donation pile while going through old clothes. I think the quality is comfortable but very tight on narrow feet. This might sound weird as I'm a 7.5 in boots and a 7 in sneakers but whatever. Their phone cases I want one but the case I want is highly rare and is $60 so probably will never happen. Looking for more of the Electric Rock by Pokémon Center and Pokémon Pikachu Plush Cyrus and Ghetsis and looking for the Pokémon Center Jolteon Discharge figure. Looking for any Kyurem figure. Looking for any type of Mespirt card or plush and also looking for a Murkrow plush. Looking for mainly PS4 games such as. Tales of Vesperia. Secret of Mana Digimon story and matter of fact I want to play all Digimon games. Also want all Tales games known in the U.S. besides the newest one Arise. Anyways the only Tales game I've is Tales of Berseria and Tales of Zestiria and Tales of Symphonia and the second TOS is called Dawn of The New World. When I get done with clothes I most likely just want video games and stuff from Etsy lol and DS * Games and other random games GBA/GC/PS2 * also PS1. GameCube* Lost Kingdoms One and Two * Pokémon colosseum and Gale of Darkness* All Paper Mario games I need all Super Mario games for old school consoles. Need Chrono Trigger again Gauntlet Dreamcast any good? Not sure about any good games here! Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm. How to spot a fake Pokémon DS game cartridge is gray and not black. Some sellers will state the product is a reproduction copy that goes for GBA/GBC/64 games that are commonly faked. I do believe PS4 games are safe from this. If you want to know if you got a real copy or not for the Pokémon DS games hold the game into the light and you will see a reddish tint where the black border is from the label this is for Pokémon DS games. Also the fake video games will also have a fake reproduction booklet and that will be glossy and thick printed paper. For my recommendation don't buy any video games on Amazon because you can't see a full zoomed in picture! Also most bootleg copies of the label are very blurry and you might want to Google a contrast between a fake and real copy. Also any Pokémon DS or GBA/GBC color game that's $20 is also a fake; the reproduction copies sell for that much as well. So I would also recommend looking at Gamestop or seeing how much a real copy is of the video games I listed. I'm also looking for Donkey Kong on the 64 and The Legend of Zelda games for the 64. Currently missing the system. Looking for Yu-Gi-OH! DS games and all other games in the series. I want to play all Castlevania games. Same with Kirby and Yoshi games. I'm looking for Pokémon DS games. Platinum. Pokémon Black and White both series one and two. Diamond. Pearl. Pokémon Heartgold and Pokémon SoulSilver. Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire at pokemonessentials.wordpress.com/2014/02/04/spotting-fake-counterfeit-pokemon-games and also Final Fantasy IV. Fun fact I lost this copy but man this game was hard like any other FF games grind and grind and keep repeating but this is probably a LOW for me LMAO. Invest in this later. I want all FF games for the DS more than other systems etc. Lufia: Curse of the Sinistrals and Golden Sun Dark Dawn and Castlevania Portrait of Ruin and Dark Of Sorrow GBA games: Pokémon Sapphire and Emerald and Ruby and Leafgreen and Firered. All The Legend of Zelda games All Breath of Fire and All Digimon Game and my dream games* Ogre the Battle this is also being faked and sold as a reproduction copy as well! Average price is $40-60 + depending on the condition of the game and what is included All .Hack old games which will take the longest to grasp a whole set will range to the high $300 if there is instruction guides. I wonder if people know there is a game about Christianity and Jesus is on one of the cutscenes? Ha! Fun fact! Xenosaga and series three are the most expensive. I only played the first game. I kind of forgot about this series and the last game runs about $50 +* Have I played a game with Multi Players? Only game Runescape.....yes back in the day when that game was $5.95 I stopped playing because of the big spike increase of membership $11 + there is nothing you can do much as a free member the most you can do is get your skills to your 30's + and that's all and the skill is Slayer always wanted a Slayer cape and so much fun co op....I wish I had someone to play with though I've a Asus Vivobook Max which that's not a gaming computer....so XD I could play RS 3 hours or 4 hours a day I would like to go do other things in RL like find something on YT etc! Castlevania real copy vs fake or something like that. How to spot a fake Pokémon GBC game Sapphire and Ruby and same thing with DS just Google the video game of your choice and see if there is a side by side comparison. I’ve played a fake Pokémon SoulSilver and the game crashed within the middle of the video game www.dkoldies.com/product_images/uploaded_images/firerededit.jpg and games I’m not hyped about getting into are unsure about Starfox and Metroid I know blasphemy and vile about them two series. Mana Khemia not sure if I will be into this game or not like all the games listed here. I might go look up a let’s play on YT and go from there. Rampage. Hamtaro series. Radia Stories. Rogue Galaxy. Mystic quest I wonder if I can get into this game I played this way back in the day, same with Street Fighter I loved using Blanka. It was very awful with Vega LMAO. Grandia I wonder if this series is any good also Legend of Dragoon and Starfy because I think that’s where that dancing star is from Smash Ultimate LMAO. Also The Threads of Fate hopefully I can get into this again! Also Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl I heard this is a remake of the first series. Hardest boss? I still can't beat the Super Boss Yiazmat on FF 12 and even with Shell on his death strike swipe hits me every time. I also want to try the Super Boss and missions on FF 13 and the second one! The third one I'm gonna look up is Let's Play as I don't play timed games unless there is a way to reverse the time etc. As you can see this will take several years for me to collect everything I want. I also want all pink consoles. Final Fantasy 13 theme PS3. I want a black Wii more than white. I also want a Hyperkin in Jasper red. Smoke is my main 64 system I want if not Ice Blue and Grape as I'm not sure how I feel about the watermelon red system. I want an Atomic Purple or any translucent GBC and GBA. I want the GBA to have a Pelican light hood attachment! What do you do all day? My headphones are normally hooked up 24/7 unless I've to get up or be somewhere. Otherwise my headphones are never off. I also could be trading on Animal Crossing.
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  • Why don't I drive? Or work?
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  • I've explained that in my personal/health blogs. What is your favorite food? Like if you want to know what I eat everyday I can just take a photo of the cabinet and freezer here? Haha. Do you take sleep aid? Yeah a natural one called Valerian Root without this every other day I'm normally up at 7-9 a.m. + I take this at 3:30 am and normally fall asleep within an hour. Wake up around 11 or late noon. Also I'm not a huge figure fan....I would not pay no more than $50 for a figure sorry....which my dream figure will never happen by the way heh....
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  • Love to get the Funk Mew Funko and Raichu!
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  • Dream figures!
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  • Amazon.com: .Hack//G.U. Vol.1//Rebirth Special Edition: Video Games saw someone selling this for $80 used and some of the paint was coming off....
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  • .hack//G.U. FiguartsZERO Haseo (3rd Form Black) Exclusive (bigbadtoystore.com)
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  • Other interests? Look here. Amazon Wish List is a place where I can bookmark things to treat myself or for my sister/her husband to buy me things for Birthday and Christmas. It also has a good use of what I like instead of going on a hours and hours list of what I like. So this makes life tons of much easier on you guys. Enjoy.
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  • amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/6XJATXJ55V50/ref=nav_wishlist_lists_1?_encoding=UTF8&type=wishlist
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  • So you think wedding stuff belongs in this blog? Why not?!
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  • Yes, for my wedding I would like to have an official Lightning's Necklace or Serah's engagement pendant. I love FF 13. Not many people understood the xenophobic story line. Picking a religious topic for video games normally doesn't go well. Yes the paradigm shift is extremely hard to learn at first before you get complexly
  • ransacked and game over in a second but once you get the swing of things you will enjoy the game!. I really love the soundtrack of this game and I can't wait to play this game again and complete the side missions which I just completed for story mode only!
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  • Not interested in a honeymoon because I'm terrified of airplanes. I would love to go look at comic shops if that is what my main interest was. Or look at retro video game stores that would be a blast!
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  • Not related to video games.
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  • Would love to wear perfume from Dior and have an outfit from Dior, something that I can wear everyday and not sit in a closet for an eternity.
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  • Remember that people don't live in a fantasy life filled with rainbows and daises and sunshine. Not everyone is going to live in your fantasy head of your delusional self and lies about what you think about the so said person but for me? All I ask is strike a conversation with me before randomly assuming false stuff about that isn't even true. Also note to yourself you're not forced to read everything in one sitting and good day or evening or afternoon wherever you're at :) or asleep like goodnight lol. So yes you might've gathered all I do is sit on my bed all day and tab surf and listen to music and play video games. Haha so same $hit but different hour LMAO.
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  • DOPE or NOPE. Other stupid opening tech videos or strange videos or mystery πŸ“¦ items. Somethings are WTF? That exist online? LMAO. CJUGames. This is another genuine horror YT player. I can't really stand YT uploaders that start screaming and yelling for no reason and really wasn't a scary part. Does she play any other content? Why is Gab Smolders my all time favorite? She play an assortment of things on her YT. Some people have unfollowed her for this and keep on saying where is the horror In my wolf eyes there is so much horror games she could play before she gets so burnt out she loses interest. She also will translate Japanese to English if the so said video game has enough interest. Anything I don't like about her ❌ Yeah when she supported freeing the protesters that were in jail doing a live stream and raising donations for the cause. She is very lucky she has quality content otherwise I would've unsubscribe to her. However she only posted no more than four times about BLM freeing the jailed protesters. However I don't know many female YouTube people like her or do similar things with content as I made this profile title. If you do know any females like Gab that does the similar range of YouTube content let me know. But don't think this is me saying ''replacement for Gab'' no because she stopped. But one YouTube person wasn't so lucky and he should've kept his comment to himself on Twitter. Anyone know the Black Butler Roast YouTube person? If you don't you can look up that and you will find him. Anyways he posted something similar to this that people that don't want to see BLM is part of the problem and he probably posted this because just like me I stopped logging into Instagram for a for a few weeks to stop seeing the violent post etc on IG. Excuse me? That's pretty much judgmental. Did you once think before posting that status comment on Twitter that some people have PTSD or mental illnesses? Some things can cause triggers like mine. Such as I had stated before I to logout of Instagram for a week or two because the violent images and videos were triggering my PTSD and I was starting to notice a mental damping to my psyche. So I decided I will take action for my mental health and log out. If you're wondering how bad I would say nothing extremely massive but enough for my self-awareness to kick in telling me my thoughts and psychological level is changing. So I logged out. But for him to say that ''WE'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM'' is so judgmental. I'm sure not once in his head did he think ''anyone with mental disorders or getting triggered by graphic images or videos?'' I'm sure his answer would've been no. For him to post something like that is something ten times worse than what Gab did. Never did Gab once say on her Twitter that ''WE'RE'' the problem and if my memory serves me right I remember that Black Butler roast guy pointed the finger tons of times and Gab hasn't posted anything recently about BLM. In my personal belief some people and celebrities should keep quiet about their belief about political and what they stand for in racial matters etc. Because like that guy YouTube Black Butler Roast will never have my view count or subscribe ever again. That crossed the line. Extremely tasteless. Disrespectful and judgmental ❌ Pikasprey Blue this is probably the only person I can tolerate when yapping throughout the whole entire YT stream. His voice isn't really annoying or louder than the video game music himself. So he gets a A in my πŸ“š and that's why I don't subscribe to commentary YT if the voice is louder than the video game music or the video game character speaking πŸ“š Asprey his brother's videos are also good and I thought their Mario Party video with their friends were hilarious to me 😹😹😹😹 dansg08 is also a good one I love his voice as well or when I want to find a high quality FF Let's Play with no commentary. I think the internet is also why I can't view anything higher than 720 HD -1080 HD. My dad buys T.V. πŸ“¦ Internet cable bundle set πŸ“¦ so you can pretty much just think how slow the internet really is πŸ“¦ Cinemassacre 😾😾😾😾 and I also have other YT subscription that belong to my young prince and I also have some models and their blogs on my YT subscription. The most ironic thing is I hate cooking but I watch cooking shows? LMAO I know makes no sense 🍳🍳🍳🍳 Catching on watching RuPaul right now on both the newest seasons 🌸🌸🌸🌸

05/04/2021 03:54 PM 

Photos of myself and more personal info finale
Current mood:  betrayed

  • Please refrain from asking more questions about this section of this blog. What more can you gain from asking ? About this blog? I really am/will never be in the mood to talk about all this stuff thanks.
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  • A lot of people assume my life was great. I'm just putting on an act. So that way others can like me and I can get the attention I need because I've complained a view times that people rarely talk to me. But for the people saying I'm putting on a act is those that read my profile and never had a conversation to start with me to begin with. Please don't even joke around like that. I really don't even have the energy or even understand why people pull those tricks out of the bag anyways. Tell me who is sadistic enough too make up past trauma and their mother's murder? I hail Loki but I'm not that far in the game too be that sadistic to make something up. A fairy tale lie. Which half of people that come in contact with me think I live in. Speaking of a fantasy tale why do people think I will bag myself up and go back to FB again and sign up? Not once have I had in a fantasy state like mind I'm coming back into are reptilians infested website. No thank you I'm happy with only having three social medias and not being on something so toxic and a miasma pull. So that's my mog! I don't think so. Try harder next time too insult me dear ones πŸŒ™
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  • I think I can't believe that I've spent that long figuring out I always get the I feel sorry for you card so let me call you pretty. This has also left me for deleting almost all my photos on social media and why I don't take selfies anymore. My psychological state is done. There is so much I can take from this. Also before you guys start throwing ingredients in the stew pot yes my mother when she had me was healthy and when she was alive and when I was in my teens she still never would smoke or drink the only time I ever saw my mom drink if she decided to take a small sip of mead to try other than that she never touched anything. My mom never drank or smoked. I was just born deformed and ugly and my sister was the ''STAR'' and I don't understand why my parents had me when me and my sis are six years apart. Makes no sense. Probably because my sis said she wanted a sister. Also fun fact I almost died as a baby. My cord strangled my neck three times cutting the oxygen to my brain. Apparently the doctors think now in 2021 think I suffered some kind of brain damage and why I show mild/borderline intellectual disorder disability. I really wanted 2 completely slap my psychologist tester for SSI testing. She was like oh I see you got PTSD and Chronic Depression from all the high school trauma which is what happened I was being called you horse this is because I'm bow legged duh my dad and I got in a argument in this year saying nobody called you horse in high school you don't have big legs! I'm like no dad the kids in high school called me horse is because I was trotting like my kneecap. You know what my dad's response is in 2021? We will never talk about this again. You should've ignored the bullies and the punks that did this to you and move on. You got beaver and rat teeth and the people that made fun of me did horse galloping movements on how I walked and they would chatter their teeth like a rat and a beaver would and also my name is spelled backwards is Arat and I got called that as well you A RAT LOOK YOUR A RAT! I also got called you rooster. Also if you want to know a fun fact people can't even say Tara currently half of the time. They say Ta-ra-h that's incorrect my name ends with a flat ''a'' sound not an ''H'' People would mimic how I would walk due to the fact I've a birth defect called pigeon toed. I told my SSI provider I was mentally tortured. I told her I was not suicidal and I never was suicidal. I was mentally collapsing and my psyche started to change. Only 10 people liked me in school by the way. I was made fun of as soon as the bell started class all the way till dismissal to go home. My mom wanted me out of there. I did cry for help but my dad wanted me to continue that school. He refused to take me out of school to a new one and he refused homeschool. He also told me that he never told my mother no about homeschooling me and that he gave me the best teenage year in high school he could possibly think of. However my mom told me something different at a private lunch as in a restaurant where normally not busy and you don't have to scream at each other to talk. My mom told me what dad told me isn't true and I'm in so much pain and I got so many thorns in my heart this has happened to you and I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything for you because your dad told you no. Then her final words were I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you. Also if you want to know what restaurant I'm pretty sure Red Lobster because nobody really shows up at lunch hour and I don't eat here anymore this is off subject for a bit but they NOW charge $20 FOR A LOBSTER PLATE that isn't NO LONGER GOOD ANYMORE! So why bother going?! I went with my aunt here recently this year in 2021 and we won't be coming back even my aunt said that as well. As well there aren't many seafood restaurants in town and pretty sure it was Red Lobster because I loved crab or lobster pasta and that was my mom's favorite place. You guys are probably thinking why don't get you GED? Do I need a piece of paper to tell me I'm not f'ucking stupid? I already know I'm stupid. Special needs the high school I went to labeled me this and borderline intellectual disorder this is what doctors are now calling borderline mentally retarded now is. and I had to take a IQ test which I only scored a 70 or a 79 I forgot but the math part I bombed. The tester showed me some follow the pattern $hit that I never seen in my entire life so I guessed at every single question. I also can only comprehend only 8th grade comprehension. But to me I knew I was f**king stupid. Honestly all the f**king same. Hell the school in 8th grade had to bypass me in Math because I couldn't pass the Staar Test no matter how many times I tired by the fourth try the school gave up. Just like in High School after failing the Staar Essay four times the school gave up. Also didn't help the English teacher told me ''read the instructions and pointed at the book and left.'' As well as the school had zero care to put me into another English class teacher and made excuses there wasn't nobody available for me to go to. Bull $hit. I also find what is Bull $hit I'm really mentally dumb about reality but really smart in the spiritual field. Metaphors and speaking cryptic seems to work best for me but not a lot of people understand that and nobody seems to really catch on to understanding a self phobic person. Speaking of the spiritual field when I started being in my early 20's in the house we were living in I was spiritually attacked a few times. The house would feel super hot and I would get super dizzy and a few times I blacked out. One time I saw a great horned owl because the owl had big feathery horns on the head and the animal head spirit was in the corner of the room. This one really traumatized me for a second. I saw tons of animal heads in this household one was even a crow and had a body like the other animal spirit head. Also no I wasn't on drugs or any medications. I also remember hearing a rattling staff one time and I was getting pecked at on the sides of the ribs. However the house we're in now is just me and my dad and when I get my son for two weeks. Nothing seems really ''OFF'' about this house or someone ''ELSE'' isn't living here. The horrible past in my 20's which has further put me in a traumatized frenzy .So I'm getting this out of the way for people wondering why MY boyfriend has to be kept a secret whenever I do decide to get one well let's make this clear so I can get this out the way. When I was 20 the stupid years were coming so I decided to join POF and go to their meetings. I've no idea why I did this. I had no reasoning. I was being f'ucking stupid. Well I did date someone there but what happened was he changed into another person. His bandmates got him to do drugs like acid and shrooms and I'm sure his band mates made him do both at the same time this is why I have a hard time trusting musicians now. Well to me he seemed possessed in a sense and I know all of you are going to say go get some mental help or you're over exaggerating. No I know what I saw and I wouldn't make $hit up. and I'm the only one in the family that has semi well sharp intuition. Well....I'm not saying the whole entire story but let's just say something happened with one of my family members the police couldn't control him and they had to gun him down. It was so bad they had to call the swat team because he was going berserk. I don't know what nobody says some kind of ''entity'' can possess you if you're on those kinds of drugs and I believe and researched that doing those kinds of drugs if you meditate or into other ritual crafts you can invite a dark entity upon not knowing. Which I've done deep research and have listened to someone that we lost contact with. Most people need a Shaman while meditating on drugs like acid and shrooms and harder drugs. Also for people wondering yes I know weed isn't a drug but let me tell you about why I hate weed. I've only met one guy on here and that is all that puts his life and friends priority first. What I mean is I've met a few guys more than 5 on Alt Scene that put weed first before everything else. What I mean is one guy I wanted to get him a Christmas gift for Christmas because we talked for two months and a half and we were great friends so I thought let me ask him about if we can exchange gifts. Well he is like I can't send you a gift I spent all my money on weed and now I've to pay my bills. I'm like WHAT?! Just keep in mind I was asking for a $13 item FREE SHIPPING. I can understand if the item shipping price was expensive but wasn't! How would you like/feel if I told you I'm sorry I used my aunts cleaning money on myself to buy a new outfit just for me. I'm sure you would be pissed off and be disrespected and angry. In the end I blocked him. You might find this dramatic. But what he did to me was blew all the thoughts I had about him as a good friend and a good person wasn't true. HE CHOOSE WEED OVER HOLIDAY GIFTS. Just like my son's dad that lives in a trailer park and only sees his dad at his mom's house because my son's dad ex found a picture of my son's dad smoking a joint with his friends and there was a few booze bottle behind the table. This explains why he gets his phone bill cut off because he rather buy that on dope. This is going off topic but speaking of my son's dad he has only been to one soccer game out of the 3 or 4 years our son has played. I stopped texting him after he kept on saying he is too busy at work to come by or he makes up an story about someone got fired at his work and he says one of these two things all the time. Hell my son's dad and I only talk when chatting to sign him up for school and this will never happen again next year. HE LIED. YES LIED he was on the road. Me and my dad texted him and his mom back and forth and he goes we're stuck in a hour and a half traffic and we've to go get gas now (Let em tell you something his mom is 27 minutes away from the school) Doesn't take an hour and a half to arrive at the school. THEY WERE LYING that my son's dad and his mom was in the car too the start and wasn't going to show up. Another thing is my dad texted our son's dad's mom saying how happy he is for his grandson that he got the same teachers as last year and how awesome of teachers them two were. Her response was okay. She didn't care one bit. I had to listen to my dad bitch for several hours fuming in anger that she didn't care. You guys might think well he has the same teachers of last year that isn't the point. Do your job as our son's only grandma and his dad and show up for his school year. You should be ashamed as a dad and and his grandma not showing up. As his mother I don't give two sh*ts if he got the same teacher as last year I'M STILL SHOWING UP BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT A PARENT SHOULD DO! Next year I can tell you one thing I'm picking up my son and that's that and also my son's dad has HONESTLY LIED TO HIS MOM ONCE YES LIED now me hiding information about who I talk to my dad and not telling who I talk today isn't LYING THAT IS BEC I'M ENFORCED TO DO SO NOT BECAUSE I'M SOME DEADBEAT PAWNER AND MAKES EXCUSES LEFT AND RIGHT. Right back to the story. He told his mom yes I did registered you for the school to email you things. So she texted me or my dad can't remember which one and she was like WAIT WHAT?! MY SON TOLD ME I WAS REGISTERED AND WHEN I CALLED THEM I WASN'T! Well maybe if you didn't have an affair with your other husband and hoe around all night and raise your 3 kids maybe your kids wouldn't be such liars any thieves and pawners. Yes one of his brothers pawned off my $80 camera and I don't even have a camera still till 2021 and I only use my phone and he also pawned off my Metal CDS. I remember one school year he told me now now now Tara you know how my money is and I can't give you 60 bucks of my tax refund money. After that we never spoke and I suspected now he probably used his tax money on weed. Weed has ruined my life. I've severe trust issues with people that smoke weed and that is the final verdict. asked me. Nobody said anything to me on here. I think seeking attention is stupid. Just like the people on Snapchat stories or IG post showing them smoking a big joint puff. Like seriously? Are you that dehydrated from attention? LMAO. Please just stop and end the pain on that. Most importantly I got nothing to hide. I'm pretty much sure. Someone on here. Or whoever might ask about my past. Well I can type that out instead of repeating what I'm typing out now and can save the pain and heartache and the dampened psyche afterwards. But anyways before I go onto more dark stuff of my past and MY STORY. I just feel really defeated that I'm the one adding people to talk to me. Like what is the point? This is just down right embarrassment if you ask me. Like am I this unattractive people won't add me or send me a direct message? Like am I really that bad looking? That nobody won't click on my profile? Like holy $hit but that's how real life is to. Very rare will someone come up to me and strike a conversation. Most kids look at me like I'm foreign alien or something. I don't know how I'm just in regular dark colored active wear leggings and a t shirt and some Nike sneakers. Some pink and white ones the Nike color for logo is bronze red....there was no black color in my size GO FIGURE that's how shopping is for me if I really want something either A not in my size or B out of stock  but for Mother's Day I was told by my dad that he will take me and my to go buy some black pair of Nikes. But back on subject like why? Do I look weird? Do my bags in my eyes look that bad? I mean my eye is just kind of sunken in from lack of sleep but I been thinking what to do to fix that problem I've not tried collagen yet to help with that problem but I will. I know Fish Oil is good for skin health but I really haven't been taking that long to see results I only taken that for a 3 weeks and most of the time your body needs about a month and a half or two before the supplement is fully absorbed into your system. My other thoughts are does my pale skin look alarming? Does my stature look weird? Does my legs look weird? I don't know what makes people so terrified to come up to me and talk to me or stare at me in public. Very rare will someone come up to talk to me. I try to replace this negativity by showing people I'm not scary if a elderly woman or man drops something or a child drops his or his toy from the shopping cart. I will either say A hey your kid drop his or her toy or B I will ask if the elderly person needs help if he or she can't reach the shelf and if I'm not in a hurry and I see a person with only a few items in their basket I will let them go first. Most of the time I get a shocked reaction. Like damn WTF? Also please don't ask me why my fashion is sporty mixed with video game t shirts don't ask maybe I given up on buying a gothic wardrobe which all my gothic clothes from several years ago found in storage no longer fit me as I can't fit in a size 0 anymore or a XXS/XS anymore. Which yes active wear leggings is 10 times cheaper than a gothic pair of skinny jeans from s**tty HT anyways on eBay once in a blue moon I can find a size 3 in Lovesick or Royal Bones and Tripp but not often! So back into the dark space. What happened that day May 1st 2017 and that year? Also I did something foolish back then I tried exercising my ex's mother's house which had four portals open. I was only able to close two then my RED FLAG TO GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE LIKE NOW was this. I was pushed back on the couch my own spirit guides lessened the spiritual attack push to me but I started to feel choked on the couch and I couldn't see anything or know where reality was all I could hear was glass shattering in my head and shrieking noises in my head. I felt like this was going on for five minutes. My spirit guides were trying to fight was on top of me but was only barely enough strength after more minutes had passed everything seemed gone. I no longer after this happened I no longer practice exorcising ever again. But I was a dumb naïve 20 something year old and this was all around when I was in my 20's through 24 years of living. I was dumb and stupid live everyone on the block we all done something extremely stupid in our years at this age. But back on topic my ex was possessed and I saw what possessed him that day when he busted into my mom's house while my son hid and I hid to call the police my mom gave us barely enough time to tell us to go hide. However he must've dragged my mother into a bathtub or something I didn't see her when I walked out because I could hear him come to my hiding spot so I had no choice to come out but as soon as I came out the police busted the door open just right as he was about to hold me down. His voice was different. I didn't recognize his voice. He went berserk. The police couldn't stop him. The police had to call a swat team which I could see from my neighbors window because as soon as I got free from him I ran out of the garage door to my neighbors house. I had a vision as he got shot by the police. I saw a blue and black standing reptilian with a black cloak on his head. The next day I had a dream the reptilian was laughing and I saw the image by the old house and the front door he was laughing and he showed his face to me....and I don't wanna keep writing about this I'll just move on to a different topic about my drug addiction So around fall I started to have extreme violent aggression. I could no longer control myself or my anger. I'm not going to discuss the scene do to the fact this page blog is already long and I really don't want to talk about what I did I feel highly uncomfortable. So someone called the police on me out of worry. The police gave me two options go to jail or go to the E.R. ( I told them about what has happened with my Mom and I don't know what is wrong with me as I started to revert back to normal out of outburst) so when I went to the hospital I found a few interesting facts 1 was I had a bladder infection for a month and a half and the doctor was looking at me like how did you not know that?! That's dangerous! I was really half dazed after taking some unknown medication given to me by the person that offered me some kind of medication? I think Prozac? The doctor he was so f**king pissed at me he goes why did you take someone's medication that she gave you?! You should never take medication if you don't know what it is! Shortly after I blacked out I woke up from a Skype call to a psychiatrist. She asked if I was suicidal and if I wanted to hurt myself. Also just to let you guys know the one that Skype called me she already knew what happened to my mom and sense she knew I didn't know what grief was etc and what I was experiencing she didn't send me off to a mental home. However when I got back home I was mailed a court order and I must go to this court meeting from my son's dad side of the family so what happened was I got a paperwork that I must receive 6 months of therapy and I had to show signature proof by both my psychiatrist and therapist and send them off to my son's dad and family side every two weeks as we're split custody. If I didn't do this then I would be admitted for jail for being UNSAFE as I had to sign the court order paper I would do this. But my son's dad's side of the family thought about giving me a chance because of what happened with my mother. Anyways which my Medicare was going to expire at the end of the year (that's a whole another s**t show why I got denied four times and this year I'm going to try to reapply but there is so much s**t going on in my life right now I had no time but this is a situation nobody won't give a f**k about so I will never talk about this) so I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist for six months there that's when I started getting hooked on of brand Zoloft and Xanax because with Medicaid you get generic off brand stuff I became an addict for a year and a half. However my Medicaid was up and I stopped going to see my psychiatrist which is $500 with no insurance and my therapist was a few hundred so I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO STOP. That's when spirituality and the samurai code save my life. Many people think spirituality is insane or psychopathic behavior but spirituality saved my life. My well and whole being. I will explain the last part on my next and final blog however if you want to know more physical more about me here you go. I might have to make a fourth blog if things don't fit so maybe one or two more. I will finish in a few hours before bed. One day three years ago I meditated on Xanax off brand and booze. I was in a lotus position of course this all happened as my lost of my mother this how I would cope. But what happened was I was shown the Abyss. I could see everything that or I visited the Underworld. All I saw was the prismatic hues and the highest colors of the psyche. Then all I saw was the rattle chains of the abyssal or whatever and a roar of a serpentine and I was shown a gigantic 🐍 this snake had gem like eyes of purple gems and the scales glowed emerald green and had purple gems coming out of the body. But the strange s**t is I really couldn’t feel my body at all everything was black around me. But a few hours later when I somehow got back to “reality” I was in a kneel spot and my head was tilted to the side. To be honest maybe I died that day. Maybe I was built into THAT prototype. If you want to know more physical stuff about me etc just ask. So I don't really have much to touch up here I don't think. The thing is you probably think you didn't tell us EVERYTHING. Well this EVERYTHING IS probably s**t you don't give a s**t about. Like do you want me to tell you step by step why I got denied Medicaid a few time? No? Thought so! Also why I didn't apply this year? No why would you give a s**t about that? Because you don't the thing when I get SSI. I was told that comes with Medicare. Am I stable now? Yes I got the help I needed in 2017 even though that was forced. I got my problems fixed and I'm seriously glad that I got that court order to induce and force help. Otherwise I don't know where I would be. I could also tell you about the time how disturbed I was way before we moved into that ''old house'' how I saw what the brain eating disease affected my dad's Mom at 87 and the look on her face when she died in her nursing bed. How mentally disturbed spirituality and mentally I felt inside a nursing home. I could go on and on but this is enough. I feel some things are better kept myself because you just don't need to keep hearing me nagging on and on and on and on and by then I would've typed out Tara's history book. But all I got to say is if anyone on here is a nursing home worker. Props to you. Because you need mental strength of an Ox and a heart of steel to work here. But I don't think anyone or anyone on this planet wants me to make a Tara's life book that should be kept private. I should also state speaking of family my Mother's mom is dead I've zero grandmas. Even though I found out my my Mom's Mother apparently called me retarded. My aunt told me in the car the one that her teeth feel out she told me did you know your grandma Ethel told your parents and when your parents picked you up from watching you that Ethel told your parents that do you know that your child is retarded? Also please don't ask me why she said this. I never asked her at all she was just randomly ranting in the car. When she is on pain pills because of her bad back she acts weird and I even asked my sister about this behavior and she goes she knows our aunt is a different person on pain pills. Anyway back on the topic. Then shortly after that she told me that is when my dad was bound to prove to the family that you weren't retarded and I don't know why he did all the doctors thought I had ADHD for 10 years straight and dumb doctors thought ADHD meds will cure my Autism if I had any and I was misdiagnosed. I go no I had no idea my grandma Ethel said that and my aunt goes. True story she said that because I was there I had to go pick something at the house while your parents pulled up in the driveway. This Affected my psyche level for a week till I brushed that off. But I will say thought that I could also talk about how anti gay my family is except my sister because everyone is brainwashed by the bible. If the bible says something is wrong my aunts have to abide by the rule of the bible saying that is no. My teeth fell out aunt thinks Satan created this virus and when people die from the virus that Satan walked the street and someone got touched by his claws and died and when this virus is over a new Jesus will be born. WTF? My other aunt swears there is an angel dancing on her street. WHAT THE LIVING f**k DID THIS BIBLE DO TO MY AUNTS? Anyways enough is enough right? I think this is more than enough insight to tell you why I act the way I do and why I'm this way today. If this doesn't speak to you or gives you any reason or right to tell you that this isn't a good enough reason to act the way I do today then you're f**ked up. But I can tell you why that I might be gone from online websites just a maybe just like Alt Scene and why I left. Same reason applies here. Nobody was interested in talking to me or adding me even though I kept signing in every 10 minutes to show recent online. The messages I would get if I ever got anywhere. Hey babe. You're so pretty. I wanna make out with you. You're so gorgeous. I also had an Iran guy on there ask me to be his queen and his inbox header was marriage request LMAO. I also had a guy on there that was 51 say I know I'm to old for you but let's be friends so I can take care of you and pamper you LMAO. But did any guy that complemented on me on my looks said anything about my hobbies? Nope! None! So I was almost close to the edge of leaving but then I started posting about what happened to me etc. So what happened then? Whelp I posted what happened to me just like on my blogs and that backfired. Many guys thought I was attention seeking and making this story up. I'm sorry but whoever makes stuff up like this is severely demented and needs more help than I do. Even when I showed the 911 report of what happened to my mother the person said I made that up....even though the link was shown in snapshot I just edited a highlight to mark out my mother's name and other family names that can be easily looked up on a background check. Which reminds me someone on Alt Scene did do an illegal background check on me but I didn't take legal action because he was from Canada and he deleted his profile on alt scene and never returned back I looked for him never could find him I recently looked a few weeks ago. He found what has happened to my mother and after that HE LEGIT TOLD ME on Google Hangouts he admitted to the background search because I thought giving my last name two years ago was harmless but SOMEONE probably on Alt Scene probably snitched on me and probably found out that I was talking to him and told him the news article was fake but he found the article and did some more research after what he read and further researched he was traumatized and disturbed and he blocked me on Google Hangouts and deleted his account and never showed his face online. He never made another account. He never messaged me again or tried adding me on my social platforms. He deleted himself. Like off the face of the Earth I guess. Another thing that happened to I had a few users on there that told me now sweetheart and darling or hun that has happened to you three years ago about your sexual and physical abuse and your mother you should get over that and this doesn't give you the reason to act this way you need to move on. I was also labeled psychopathic and insane for being spiritual and different. Ironic for a website for alternative people. Know people story before making fun of them. Also if you're wondering why I can't move out of state and why that is illegal you need to look at my blogs.
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https://gothwire.com/albums/view/14106/-

This also shows how my knee joint looks like. My side of my knee joint hurts not the kneecap. I also notice ankle pain as well.

Warning you will be ready very heavy stuff here. Read at your own risk. I don't reccomend you read this if you don't have a healthy state of mind right now.

High graphic reading warning:

https://gothwire.com/writings/15132/4579/my-final-cry-for-understandment-will-finish-later

And the reason why I never finished is you should be able to click on my profile username on there and then see the updates if not then I don't think you want more of the story I think you get the clear image already what when on I don't think you want to know more details when you read the blog there and then my updates if the updates are on my profile account there.


Other personal stuff and this is the last one I'm willing to discuss as there is nothing left after that matter.


If you're wonder what the f*** is Tri County is. Well TrI County is a mental health/behavioral center. Workforce is pretty self explanatory however these companies are government owned and only surround my town and outskirts of my town. So if you think FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE. NO just like where I live the grocery store called HEB is only known in one part of the U.S. HEB isn't located anywhere else. So yes you can be pissed me all you want I that I'm using ''people's tax dollars for this'' that's fine be pissed off and that's not my problem I ended up this way and need serious ''help'' at least I'm not milking the government and faking that I'm disabled and no wonder why SSI and Workforce people need proof and evidence before approving you of their benefits because so many milk drinkers faked their mental illnesses LMAO.

Keep in mind you're not suppose to read this in one sitting. You're suppose to read this in parts each day. If you want to read the whole thing in one sitting that is up to you. If you want to take ages to read my profile that's cool idc LOL. Also if you would like to chat on social media instead of here let me know! I use nothing else besides Email. Instagram. Discord and Snapchat. I don't own anything else so don't ask! If you need time on here to chat instead of exchanging social media that is fine just let me know!

So here is the mental health section:

How did you get ahold of a PDF file of your medical records?

Workforce needs proof that I'm disabled enough to get an assistant there at Workforce to see if I qualify for their disability services to get a part time job online or concealed away from people and not standing on my feet for hours. So my dad said he lost the papers and he doesn't know where the papers are a.k.a. implying he has no memory or what happened to them and those that were originally given to me by P.O. box mailed of my results. Anyhoo so my dad had to drive me up there to Tri County to get my records there and so the clerk emailed me.

Reason for going:

And just to let you know the reason why I took this psyche exam was in 2020 I needed to see if I can approve of SSI/Workforce. Workforce is something and Tri County is only located in surrounding areas where I live and SSI is government funding if you're disabled in the eyes of the government. Also you might call me a dirty bitch but according to Workforce the reason why this doesn't cost anything is I'm using people's tax dollars for this because my dad ask while I was on a phone interview doing my evaluation report for them over the phone as the company wasn't seeing clients in person just yet. Anyways my dad butted in and asked why doesn't this cost anything?

Well Lisa said ''this is for free because this is government funded by taxes'' aka that tells me I'm using people's tax money for this. So if you want to call me a dirty bitch. I can't believe our tax dollars are going towards you getting free sh*t from the government. Great another milk drinker. Nah I really do need ''help''  my dad and nobody in my family will not help me find a part time job online I already asked a year ago and my sis said no which I don't blame her she is 34 years old. Lives somewhere else like about 3 hours away and without traffic the time is 2 hours and 48 minutes and for me understanding her needs as her sister I know one thing and that is. She has her own life after all she has M.S. and she can stay out of this drama and my sister shouldn't be responsible for taking care of my needs and neither is she responsible to pay for my son's school supplies or help with that or clothes etc. So then my aunts and my dad said no you can just randomly click on something online and find a online job that way and we will not help you LMAO. Anyways back on the subject of why  I left in 2017. As you read the reason why I left in 2017 after getting half of my evaluation done. Then you read about the statement about that I found a pamphlet that Tri County can help me/assign me a caseworker/can help me with this place that's in Texas called Workforce to find a part time job online or concealed somewhere because according to Tri I CAN get SSI/part time from home. So I approved but let's just say Workforce denies me my caseworker can step in and fight back for another case. I'm still waiting on the SSI report for yes or no. I've taken my SSI final doctor appointment in June on 23 or 26th of June and still now August 21 still waiting. Also for people thinking Autism isn't a disability according to what my caseworker from Tri County said that yes Autism is underneath the disability umbrella according what Erika told me and yes I will repeat this several times just in case you forget from point A to B. TRI COUNTY TOLD ME I CAN WORK PART TIME ONLINE IF I WANTED WITH THE ADD ON WITH SSI. THAT'S WHAT I WAS TOLD!

Why do people think I'm lying about my mental health etc:

Also I think why people don't believe me for my mental health is because I'm the only one in the family currently suffering from these mental disorders. According to family records there are none of these symptoms that show up on family health records. Family health issues are. Cancer. Diabetes. Heart Attack and Stroke. However my sister is the only one in the family that has M.S. and there has only been one family member on my dad's side of the family that died of the brain eating disease which was his mom.

Here is some things you need to keep in mind reading this report:

My DR made several grammar mistakes according to Google automatic checker for spelling and grammar. I guess A she didn't give two f***s about doing a proof reed or B she just wanted to type so fast and f*** the proofreading and type out my report and the get the f*** out of my office. Another thing is I tried my best to make this readable as when I copy and pasted this report either A browser error that I'm using or B maybe that's how things are formatted on a PDF file transferred on an about me page and things happen like that but idk. But I made a caring effort to make things readable. Also for the Depressive Symptomatology test if you want to see what questions Tri County was asking me I can pull up the PDF file on my laptop and take photos for you of the questions the doctor asked and I can send by Email. Discord. Snapchat and Instagram if you're curious. As for some reason none of the black circled dots are picked up at all. If you also need proof I was emailed by Tri County I can send that to as well.

Tri-County MHMR Services DIAGNOSTIC REVIEW FORM AXIS I: Clinical Disorders and Other Conditions That May Be a Focus of Clinical Attention ID Description Priority Begin Date End Date

MAJ DEP. D/O RECURR SEV W/O 1 10/10/2017

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISO 2 10/10/2017

299.80 ASPERGER'S PDD, RETT'S D/O 3 06/10/2008

10/10/17 Ind meets the criteria for MDD and PTSD. Asperger's dx was from previous assesssment when inwas a child. Problems maintaining at school, at home and socially. PDD DX provided Dr Gaines

(Yes I know there are spelling mistakes. I guess the computers at Tri County don't have spell check or my DR didn't feel like hitting the spell check button. I can show any user a snapshot of the PDF file on my social media if he or she don't believe me but she was typing very fast on the computer while I was flapping my jaws to her so she probably didn't give 0 f***s for a spell check)

Which of the above three is the primary axis? 1 AXIS IV:

Psychosocial and Environmental Problems ID Description Priority Begin Date End Date

Economic Problems 1 10/10/2017

Primary Support Group 2 10/10/2017

Prob w/Access to Health Care 3 10/10/2017

Occupational Problems 4 10/10/2017

Tri-County MHMR Services DIAGNOSIS: MR SUPPLEMENT Current Adaptive Behavioral Level: Zero One Two Three Four Potential Adaptive Behavioral Level: Zero One Two Three Four Adaptive Behavioral Level Date 10/17/2008 (I checked number one) which is Borderline Adaptive Behavior Disorder. Just doesn't show here because I guess copy and paste isn't picking up on the dotted circle that was selected as one

Also remember on my papers it says my MDD and PTSD is without w/o psychosis disorder

Diagnosis part two yes I know this is hard to read but I'm copy and pasting from the PDF file Tri-County MHMR Services

DIAGNOSTIC REVIEW FORM AXIS I: Clinical Disorders and Other Conditions That May Be a Focus of Clinical Attention ID Description Priority Begin Date End Date

MAJ DEP. D/O RECURR SEV W/O 1 10/10/2017

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISO 2 10/10/2017

AUTISTIC DISORDER 3 10/14/2021

BORDERLINE INTELLECTUAL FU 1 10/14/2020 IQ Score 79

IQ Test Date 10/14/2020 IQ Test Type IQ: S-B

Chief Complaint: 10/13/17 24 y/o WF seen at TCBHC for initial psychiatric evaluation. Requesting medication services to treat her anxiety and depressed mood. Psychosocial: Unemployed. One Child. Shares custody of her child with her child's father . Mother was murdered in May of this year by her significant other. He is also deceased. Depression increased since her mother's death. Client states, `' I am here to get something for my PTSD.. I have these nightmares every night `'Diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Client was taking Adderall, Straterra in the past with poor results. Diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at age 13 years old. History of previous mood disturbances.`' I was very moody growing up `' Denies engaging in self-harming behaviors, Denies previous suicide attempts. Denies previous inpatient hospitalization .Client presents today with complaints of Nightmares `' my dreams are about being chase `' PTSD related symptoms started a few months after incident . Reports exaggerated startle response `' I hate loud noises ..the other day when we went out to eat a plate dropped and I jumped. .'' Flashbacks, negative view of herself and others,'' I always have this self-hatred for myself `' irritability Feels tense`' on edge `' Intrusive thoughts, loss of interest, Avoidance behaviors. Psychological and physiological responses to triggers. Reports Sleep disturbances `' I try to go to sleep but I have this anxiety going on. `' Reports having Racing thoughts, physical restlessness, `' my attention is bad .'' Poor focus and concentration. Feeling down most days `' just think why do I deserve this..'' Low energy, difficulty performing daily task.. Appetite is poor. Denies losing weight. Denies previous history of eating disorders. However client is underweight. Endorses thoughts of feeling worthless, hopeless, guilt about her mother's death. Frequent thoughts about death. Anhedonia. Frequent crying spells `' its more of a rage type of cry. I get so aggravated about everything. `' repowers irritability and periods of heightened energy but symptoms do not last for several consecutive days. Days inflated self-esteem , decrease need for sleep and reckless behavior. Denies SI HI or A/V hallucination and I will say one thing about Tri County back in 2017 tried to put me on medication that INCREASED my nightmares as I read the side effects carefully what bull sh*t and also this medication for insomnia was to increase my appetite what bull sh*t that doctor was. and she wanted to put me on Remeron at 15mg  and I read the gigantic long list of side effects and I'm like seriously? Also some of the side effects are shocking. Also after reading this medication can make you aggressive to some people but yeah if you want to read the side effects of Remeron be prepared to be super shocked. However, speaking of aggressive behavior. That's what happened with the second ADHD meds that I was put on and started with an s THAT I was put on as a kid. What are you guys trying to do? F*** me up? Drug me? Also not the one that evaluated me in 2020 but in 2017 I had a doctor extremely rude as f***. She thought I was anorexic and rolled her eyes at me when I told her I eat 3-4 times a day. Needless to say, the reports from 2017 I never went back because of the disrespect. Also the same lady told me to be thankful that you don't have a psychosis disorder with all these mental health issues you've. But trust me if I got the same lady in 2020 as I did in 2017 I would've requested for another person. I didn't find out till 2020 Tri County offered services for SSI and Workforce until I saw a pamphlet on one of their tables when I had to go back for something. But back to the Chief Complaint

Trauma, Abuse, Neglect:10/13/17 Client presents today with complaints of Nightmares `' my dreams are about being chase `' PTSD related symptoms started a few months after incident . Reports exaggerated startle response `' I hate loud noises ..the other day when we went out to eat a plate dropped and I jumped. .'' Flashbacks, negative view of herself and others,'' I always have this self hatred for myself `' irritability Feels tense `' on edge `' Intrusive thoughts, loss of interest ,Avoidance behaviors. Psychological and physiological responses to triggers.10/10/17 Ind reports that an ex boyfriend was physically abusive. This is the boyfriend who killed ind's mother. Ind reports that she was in the house when her mother was killed. "I heard everything that happened." Reports that her ex boyfriend was killed by the police. Ind reports having vivid memories of the abuse, flashbacks, intrusive images, nightmares, exaggerated startle response, dissociation, hypervigilance, and avoids situations and people who reminded of the murder of her mother. "I am more alert and more anxious now. I am keeping an eye on things now."

Axis V: Global Assessment of Functioning (current GAF) 47

If you're wondering what a GAF scoring is I can tell you this what Google told me. GAF is to scale/rate the severity of the person's mental illness scale. If you want to know what my score is just type in Google GAF scale 47.

They also took a Depressive Symptomatology test on me and I scored TOTAL SCORE (Range 0-27) 16 so me scoring a 16 according to Google terms is 16-20 = Severe depression

And also the chart doesn't work on here when I copy and paste from PDF file because there are answers that are circled with a black dot on here that don't pick up on here but I've mild Insomnia as well.

Physical health issues is next:

Some pain that I get that I don't know what the issue is.

1. Pain in right side of the face. Feels like pins and needles and an attack. My tooth doesn't hurt. Just I can feel the numbness on my face. My sister thinks I've a tooth abscess. But if I had one wouldn't I have blood toxins released in my body and die of blood toxins? This comes in random attacks. I can go on with zero attacks as a few months come by. Then all of a sudden it shows up out of nowhere. Then all of a sudden I can have an attack. But there is no way I could get a tooth infection because this has been going on in random spurts  of no pain for months then suddenly shows up so I think of the link of time I went untreated I would've already died of blood poisoning by now. I would've already died of blood poisoning. I heard that if you don't treat the tooth abscess the infection goes into your bloodstream and turns into poison which is why I'm implying I would've already died by now of blood poisoning.
 
2. Lightheadedness and dizziness out of the blue back in the day in my teens the doctors thought I had something called hyperthyroidism. Because I was 82 pounds or 85 pounds. If I didn't get enough food in my system every 3 hours I would start to get extremely shaky and lightheaded and could faint at any moment. Back then I could only eat 5 plates of buffet food and not gain weight and now I can only eat 2 plates of buffet food and not gain weight. I didn't turn 96 pounds until I was 28 years old and when I was 26 I was 90. I faintly remember them asking about my sister and I said no she doesn't have the symptoms and she doesn't live with me as we're six years apart and she is 5'4 and weighs 140-150 I forgot.
 
Here are a few symptoms of hyperthyroidism and once I turned 21 years old Medicaid doesn't give you full converge medical/dental and yes I left this untreated but here are some signs of hyperthyroidism.
 
What are the symptoms of hyperthyroidism?

Nervousness or irritability. Yes

Fatigue: Yes

Muscle weakness. Yes

Trouble tolerating heat. Yes

Trouble sleeping. Yes

Tremor, usually in your hands. No but I do tend to shake

Rapid and irregular heartbeat. Sometimes out of the blue

Frequent bowel movements or diarrhea. No to this

Mood swings is also on the list for hyperthyroidism signs which I suffer from mood swings all  day and everyday. Also the word hyper means always f***ing hungry also you don't gain weight and is extremely difficult. Hypothyroidism is where you gain weight.

3. My brain feels like a fog most days and a dreamy state most of the time. Is this the cause of lack of oxygen to the brain I had as a child? Curious about what I'm talking about? Read the general portion of my profile here.

4. My feet and legs. My ankles hurt most of the time everyday and my knee joint hurts. Not the kneecap. If you want to know what is wrong with my feet and legs read my general section here and also read my Goth Wire photo blogs to look at my legs. Also my feet looks pretty nasty with the pigeon toed and I don't want to show that unless you want to see something weird as f***. Most of the time pigeon toed goes back to a normal foot. But mine didn't. Why did my parents do anything about this? Surgery rate was 50 percent success rate/not guaranteed. So my parents said no and tried dance lessons to straighten out my feet and special shoes. But my pigeon toed stayed and didn't go away.
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  • So this is why I never share my personal problems with you in my daily life and this is what is going on for me financially. No news on SSI. My caseworker said that sense I did finish my final test two weeks ago that there could be several more weeks of a wait for my first approval or denial. However my caseworker Erika that I work with said that I've a high chance of getting SSI but some of her clients had to re-appeal SSI three times before her clients got this and I'm not kidding when I say this Erika said this is how the government plays with people and their game she says if you get approved first time that is very rare but most of her clients have to re-appeal three times. I'm struggling with Workforce which is their end to call my dad back and my case worker back Erika. So get this Thursday my dad called them back and the company said we will have an answer for your appointment and we will call you back in 24 hours and guess WHAT? SUPER UNPROFESSIONAL. THE COMPANY NEVER CALLED AND A WEEK LATER MY DROVE UP THERE YES DROVE UP THERE. He was reading some signs on the door and someone open the door for him. YOU REALLY CAN'T MAKE THIS SH*T UP. So after a month and a half on a wild goose chase the company couldn't call my caseworker back about having a new phone new line or couldn't email her. None of that? I forgot to add the place did tell my dad that all their voicemails got erased with new phone lines and stuff. BUT THEY HAD ERIKA'S EMAIL. WHY THE F'UCK COULD WORKFORCE NOT EMAIL HER BACK  But back on subject. LOL Workforce never did call back LMAO. However the online job I seek is where I can do warehouse inventory or do something with writing down numbers for item stocks on a database. This is something I can do. Anything English or anything grammatically incorrect is impossible. I want to work part time. Also for people wondering, yes Tri County/Erika said I can get SSI and work part time. Also I went to Tri County to see if I did qualify for SSI because if I didn't then I wouldn't get any help benefits from Tri County/Workforce etc and that is the whole soul purpose why I went. My dad and everyone in the family expects me to click on any random link to find an online job lol....yeah that is so unsafe. They also say I'm being overly paranoid and dramatic that someone could steal my information online. I can only do warehouse stock or number counting or programming numbers or model numbers etc. I can't correct grammar because I wasn't taught at all and due to my learning disability I've a hard time understanding. Also me and my dad just don't talk unless things about the store or food or cats. He doesn't care about me talking about video games (quite ironic when I played them all my life) or Funko pops he doesn't care. He just wants me to leave him alone and not talk unless I really have to. He thinks collecting stuff is stupid and also doesn't get that at all. Face the harsh facts that me and my dad will never get along and not because of my how my dad behaves/needs to accept me/have a dad and daughter relationship. Such has go have dinner together once a month. Have conversations/wanting to talk to each other's interest. Accept me for my spirituality and life choices such as wanting a low income apartment and also getting SSI and working from home on a part time job wanting a warehouse job. Same things for my aunts I wish we could have lunch or dinner one day with your husbands. One of my aunts isn't married but she is the only one that has lunch with me when she takes me out to my two week grocery shopping but I guess for my other aunts and my dad asking to do that is too much. Same for birthday and Christmas. I guess that is too much to ask for and always and forever will be. On another paws note. My dad and I never talk normally in a sense like when I want fast food he raises his voice and is like I've to check my bank!!!! Like can't he use a normal tone of voice? My aunts, who are my dad's three sisters, say I'm too old for birthday gifts and Christmas. So. I also got told that buying gifts for everyone in the family would be too expensive. How can't you spend $5 on each person? The thing is my aunts have always been this way for years. I had to explain to my sister how much I appreciate her and her husband doing birthday and Christmas for me because sitting around on my birthday drives me insane and I explained to my aunts don't do anything for my  birthday. Except one takes me to lunch for my Birthday and that's all. Speaking of lunch and dinner my aunts have never offered for years no text about hey join me and my husband for lunch or dinner. Not one single text in years and never will happen. I don't understand this? Maybe because it would cost money? I'm not bringing this up because I would get a whiplash response. Also the reason why I don't drive is extreme fear of phobic of self harming a person or killing someone. Drilled installed fear and paranoia. This is probably because I'm a crazed person over thinking/processing etc. Also this is my paws point of view. When it’s my time. It’s my time to be deconstructed. That’s all I’ve to say. This is my battle and my battle alone.
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  • Why doesn't my dad work yet?
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  • However my dad has not found a job in over a year. Nobody won't hire him and most of all probably because he will be sixty this year. I just think he is just releasing his anger and negativity out at me because my dad is losing his mind. I also should state to and I feel so bad that I forgot to post this on my Alt Scene/Space hey account. My dad will not let me have friends over anymore or go visit with friends. Heck he won't even take me to concerts anymore. He told me my boyfriend should be kept private. He doesn't want to know who I'm dating or my friends anymore. He is done with me. I know some people can't handle being friends and being kept secret and hidden from life and hidden from my apartment. But do you blame him? I got his wife killed. That's wholesome punishment I deserve. I also plan to not let my friend or boyfriend see my aunt visit because then she will snitch on me. I should've stated this way beforehand but I just noticed....wait....I left that bit out on my accounts....
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  • You say you've a sister but you don't post anything on Instagram about her?
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  • * My sis doesn't want me posting photos of her face online, I respect my sister wishes and I will not do that, this isn't just for me this goes for our dad and other family members and even her own husband. This is why you will never see my sister and I selfies on IG. I also don't post selfies on IG anymore because guys can't say anything else besides hey pretty or hey gorgeous and so on. I had enough and deleted half of my photos on there as a revolt.

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