01/06/2023 10:56 PM  Clinical II Current mood:  rebellious Well...here it is...the dreaded Spring semester  It's hard to believe I am graduating so soon. It's also hard to believe that I have to be at BHS every f***ing day. I literally cannot even afford the alcohol it takes me to get through this sh*t. Speaking of alcohol, I am putting on some much f***ing weight from this sh*t. I want to try and just not really eat—at least to save some calories. I would also maybe switch to hard liquor, but I just can't. It's too hard to regulate how much I am drinking and I feel like I could drink a fifth in one day very easily. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than the beer.  Something has to change though because I spend so much cash on alcohol. I need to lose weight, and I'm just f***ing unhappy. I am able to enjoy things quite easily, but every day I have this huge argument with myself. I have been thinking of...k wording myself too often now. I feel like I could just park somewhere, drink like crazy and take some type of pill. I think about the aftermath, though, and that helps me get the thoughts out of my head. It's just hard to recognize that I won't be here to see the aftermath. In my mind, because I know my sister would probably copycat me, it feels like I would be able to see that happen. If that make sense? No, probably not.  I'm not gonna be teaching for another week or so. I really don't want to. This sh*t is so awful I could cry just thinking about it. In any case, my nails are very cute. I haven't had a cute set I did myself in a while. Well, one that I am very excited to show off at least. I didn't know they had nail decals on Shein...or well, I kinda knew bc my friend got me some for Christmas. But still! I am so excited about what I can do! And for so MUCH cheaper than CandyStone. I have a sailor moon set in mind and a NANA set. I am so excited about both! I'm gonna wait till my refund comes from school to buy the stuff so that prob won't be until February or something.  I am going to write something erotic to make myself go crazy.  0 Comments

12/02/2022 12:24 PM  bruh... Current mood:  apathetic I had a pretty rough night of sleeping last night but overall it was fine. I went to ant's house and had one beer (while I was there...I had a few beforehand and some wine), and I wanted to stay but I also really wanted to go home and eat and get drunk for once. On Wednesday night, I got pretty drunk because I drank so much beforehand. I just felt incredibly tired. Maybe tonight and I'll go and try to be normal and not drink a sh*t ton beforehand.  Several days ago, Jen asked if we could talk. I was sure she was going to talk to me about my drinking or the fact that I am quite a lousy girlfriend. I don't even know how to be a good one. It was the latter, but everything went VERY WELL! I am so glad she talked to me. She was upset I didn't get her anything for her birthday, but she was in Korea and I hadn't thought too much about it. I lied and told her I did buy her a gift but didn't even remember to give it to her. I explained that if she hadn't gotten me anything I wouldn't have cared at all, but it's understandable that she cares. I am going to go out and buy her something today and maybe see her tomorrow if she's free.  OH MY GOSH. A week or so or something ago I don't remember... my mom found my empty beer cans and bottles and didn't flip out. She just seemed concerned. She always asks me if I'm out drinking or not (which she kinda did before). She also found my vapes! My empty pods! Oh my gosh! She really wasn't mad at all. I wasn't even home, I was out with Jana. I avoided going home bc I was so panicked. I read a bit at Barnes and Noble (and drank) and came home and everything was fine! Now my room is nice and clean and I'm taking out my beer cans the day after I drink them. I wonder if she thinks I quit vaping...or maybe she's just leaving the choice to me.  I got some stuff to do for school to do tonight. I guess if I do go to ant's I got to bring my laptop and work. Maybe if Jen and I go out tomorrow, we can go somewhere and do work.  Well, that's kinda all I guess. I really need to work on my book... 0 Comments

11/02/2022 06:54 PM  in class...AGAIN! Current mood:  blah In the same class that I was in when I wrote my last blog post. I don't even know where to start to try and catch up LOL, so forget it I guess. Anyway, I had my second observation, and apparently went totally great! Even though I felt awful. Well, doesn't matter. I felt totally and completely shot and completely apathetic...BUT this last Monday I took over for Mr. Dubuque and felt as though I did really great! In my last class he was gone and I had a sub and I think I did relatively well... I think maybe if I was a man or if I was older, they would respect me more, but well, when they see me teach for real, they will be as serious as I am. It felt totally great to teach...such a turnaround from the previous weeks LOL  Anyways, I've come to terms with the idea that I am genuinely an alcoholic. For the last like 3 months, I have been drinking every day (and only cutting back less in an effort to lose weight). And before that, I had a pretty messy relationship with alcohol I suppose. I often think about the fact that I love alcoholism in literature (and I think I almost always have) because WHY CAN'T SOME PEOPLE GET IT RIGHT?! I guess maybe I ask that about myself too...but I don't know...in a lot of ways I feel like I chose to be an alcoholic.  That all being said, after class, I need to refill my alcohol supply. I have a TINY bit of wine left and that's it. I think tonight I'll allow myself to drink myself till I reboot! (futurama reference) because I don't start class tomorrow until 3:45.  Um ANYWAY, bye!!    0 Comments

09/28/2022 06:47 PM  in class... Well...I'm in class right now...I lied and said I had to get my car jump started. I just couldn't do a two-and-a-half-hour class. I just didn't want to sit there that long...plus I wanted more time to drink. I'll probably have 2-3 beers when I get home and watch some FUTURUAMA!!! Well, my first observation with my co-op teacher and my mentor went very well! I wanted to cry after because I thought they were gonna give me some big lecture about how badly I did. But! We hung out in the teachers' lounge and I was told how well I did! We just mostly talked about teaching and other things...so I guess that means good! Thinking about being a real teacher makes me nervous. I'm not sure if I even wanna do it anymore, but well...that's OK. My friend and I made up. He bought us sushi! That night was so enjoyable.  Two nights ago I got high and literally blacked out. I drank so much beforehand because I didn't know I was gonna smoke. Still enjoyed myself though and got home pretty early! There's this kid (he's older than me) who reminds me so much of my old English teacher. Autistic and fat and all... I would do anything to see my old English teacher. I really wish we could talk about the book I'm writing right now... I would love that so much! Alas, it is confined to my fantasies. Well, that's about it! I'll update again. Hopefully... 0 Comments

09/21/2022 05:12 PM  mcr tonight! Current mood:  excited So! I did not update last night as I had thought I was going to do....  But! Yesterday was uhm...interesting.... Coffee with my professor was great! It felt surprisingly casual and I stayed for one of her lectures afterward...a literary criticism class that I took last semester, just not with her. Then, I went to my friend's house afterward, which started out fine. Then, there was some small "argument", he got all broody and then had some bitch fit. He texted me this morning to apologize, but I'm not even sure how to respond. He made a very rude comment just to purposefully be an a**hole...but I make him feel bad...oh well... I'll probably find some way to respond but I'm not even sure how to apologize for what he's mad at me about. He's just a p**sy LMAO Anyway, I had pretty much the day off today bc my co-op teacher couldn't make it to school, but... I'm seeing My Chemical Romance tonight!!! I'm so excited! Right now I'm pregaming before I go with my sister and her friend. I'll have to find some way to respond to my friend without being rude, or else we'll just get into it again. I think I'll just have to bring up that I have never once purposefully made an a**hole out of him to be mean, as he did to me.  Anyway, that's all for now!​​​​​​​ 0 Comments

09/19/2022 08:51 PM  senior year Current mood:  drunk WHERE to start! Well, it's my senior year! I'm interning at a high school near me (BHS...all I'll say...) and it's going pretty well. I have to go two days a week, but only went once last week and might only go once this week (or do one and a half) since I have been sick...and my teacher's son has been sick. My co-op teacher and I get along SO WELL. I really couldn't have asked for a better placement. At least not a random one. I got myself a new macbook today! My first NEW macbook. I already love it so much and I find myself getting very acquainted with laptops very easily. My surface book is on the fritz and my chromebook isn't like...good enough to really function as an everyday laptop for a college student. At least not one who's not in community college anymore.  Also! I am somehow not a virgin anymore! HAHA. Finally. What an annoyance that was. Out to both of my parents now...4/5 siblings know about my gf...just haven't told my oldest brother cause it's awkward as hell. I always think I'd like to keep this blog better updated because I enjoy looking back at it, but it's not like I don't remember the gaps...I guess at some point I won't remember them.  I started a book in October of last year...can't remember if I mentioned that? I'd really like to get it finished by the end of senior year...here's to hoping! I think I might start setting aside time to write everyday. It's either that or never get it done. ALSO omg! I am going to have coffee with my old Shakespeare prof from last semester. I MUST remember to write tomorrow night about that. Also, I'd like to have this blog to document my clinicals for my cert. As of right now, I am obsessed with futurama! Let's see how long that lasts LOL Current mood isn't correct but soon it will be! Time to go write some fanfiction and then hit the booze.  0 Comments

02/03/2022 07:27 PM  l ron hubbard lol Current mood:  drunk drunk ... or trying to get there... I stopped working with my old "boss" LMAO. kinda a while ago. I actually realized I don't think about him as often. My last day was unceremonious.  Whatever. Also, I have been trying to write a good book. I hope it's good. I'm having such bad writer's block. I was reading my older posts. I thought in my last post I was talking about my boss, Peter, from my old job...I realized I was not...I also realized a ton of my posts involve me getting drunk or tipsy. oops. I wish I was 21. Cooking wine is so gross and annoying.  Let's see...updates....I kissed a girl!!!! Jen  We've been on like three "dates" and I finally f***ing asked to kiss her. I thought maybe she just said yes because she was was nervous. Then, she said, "wait!" and beckoned me to kiss her more. I hope I see her this weekend, I'd love to kiss her more. Going out with my friend, Jana, tomorrow. Might see  Ant's show in montclair....hopefully, the weather holds out. Alright, the subject.... I've been reading the Mission Earth series from L Ron Hubbard and I'm grossly obsessed. I've read like 4 (almost 5) books in one week from him. I started the series on Jan 18 and I'm prob gonna finish book 6 tonight. Book 6 is kinda...not as good. I feel weird about liking it. Supposedly some of his books aren't written by him...I don't care. It's so f***ing good. And the same person must have written it. But, because of the content, I feel like Hubbard wrote it himself. Ordered some more sci-fi...Campbell, Bradbury, Hubbard...gonna make a serious effort to read sci-fi since I say I love it. Alright....time to watch videos about dangan ronpa, get more drunk (or drunk instead of tipsy lol), and then read. BYE   0 Comments

10/05/2021 01:36 PM  tipsy….? Current mood:  drunk So! I haven't been really talking to my BOSS, I guess. Right now, I am drunk with my roommates and their friends and boyfriend, watching a scary movie. It's pretty sh*tty. We just finished a different sh*tty scary movie. One of my roommate's boyfriend reminds me so much of my ex-bf. Anwyays, tomorrow is my FOURTH day at my old school. My boss seems to be talking to me less and less, not really acknowledging me unless he has to...I think he can tell how I'm feeling kinda. Might start using a dating app if I can get enough good photos of myself... Im kinda drink and I'm typing on my phone ... so BYE.... 0 Comments

09/17/2021 11:27 PM  feelin weird Current mood:  sad Well, it's been a long time. I'll leave all the updating aside, since this blog is for me to vent and such. Anyway, let's get into it. A while ago I had written a ficticious dialogue between me and an old teacher of mine. We had a very close relationship where I leaned on him heavily for supported and trusted him completely and utterly. Later on, he accused me of lying but never said why. Our relationship had ended there. I was never sure why he did that or what he had thought I lied about. Even still to this day, I am unsure. These past seven, eight years I've thought about him a lot. I always have. I couldn't grapple witht the fact that things had ended the way they did. I racked my brain for a reason why he accused me of lying, but it didn't matter as I would never know what was the real reason.  I had always felt like he and I would see each other again, at some point. Whether we bumped into each other, worked somewhere together, or anything else. I always knew my path would lead to him again... This past tuesday I saw him. I am working at the school he is still at (now the principal) at least one day a week. I am not working closely with him, but obviously I will be seeing him. When he first came into the room I was, he greeted me. I was surprised he called me by my nickname and not my full name (which almost zero people call me). He asked about college and such. I couldn't even look at him. I averted my gaze and focused on the paperwork I had to fill out. I was nice, of course. I had to be. Later in the day, he spoke to me again. There was a brief exchange, a bit of our old banter, and then he left.  I hate myself for letting things feel normal. It almost didn't feel like we had this heavy history between us. It almost felt like things ended on good terms. I suppose I am going to be seeing once a week most likely. I might be there more...I'm not sure just yet. All this time I've been saying I wished I could have one more chance to speak with him and here I have it. I fear that he will run and ask my mom (also works at the school) why the hell I am pressing him about something that happened almost a decade ago. I can't believe I'm going to waste this oppurtinity. How can I possibly look at him and talk to him without blurting out something I'll regret? I'm so angry with him and I just want answers, but there I was warming up to his charm. Perhaps he thinks I've forgotten all about it. But I haven't. I still question why he turned his back on me. I still defend him whenever someone bashes him but just as quickly I bash him when someone defends him. My mom said he cared a lot about me and tried his best. I think he lied to her. I'm not sure I ever fully explain what happened between us.  0 Comments

05/20/2021 06:19 PM  mmmm Current mood:  calm haven't updated in a while! but ive been hanging with friends a lot that i haven't always hung w since high school. it's been so great. I had pretty much two weeks off from work but im back tomorrow! let's hope things are nice. so glad to be done with school. work doesn't seem so bad anymore, because my days off are ALL MY OWN! tried a new beer....dogfish head ipa...it was so ass, but i don't know....i'd drink it again haha 0 Comments

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