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Yes, I still do check up on him. On his socials, and I know he knows I'm watching. I know that's terrible and it makes me look terrible and horrible. Why I care so much, I dunno. Austin, just the name Austin triggers me. I see it daily, I'm reminded of him daily. Sometimes it's less sad than other times, but those are only some times. I hate him but yet also yearn for him. He gets a whole post because I have a whole post worth of feelings dedicated to him. It's crazy and sad. I know, my bad. My bad for a lot of things. Austin "Rohroar" Rohrer will never understand how our only meeting has affected me so much and so dearly. I was attracted to him like no other, not only physically but also psychically. Isn't that how dating apps work in the first place? Attraction? I told him so. I told him that I liked him but I didn't really know why; that I just felt sort of attracted and or pleasant of his being, with his interactions...? There’s just something about him, something I’m not quite sure of. It gravitates me towards him. I was very attracted to him. He was hot to me and I just felt deeply all right chatting with him. He didn't appreciate it. Just acted like so just to keep things aflow. Didn't care. I also told him that I wanted more than just a one-time thing cause I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for someone to have a relationship with, I wanted a boyfriend. He said okay and that that was fine. Maybe I should've had him clarify, I dunno but what happened makes what he said NOT MATTER and cease to exist; so whatever. Anyways, we chatted for a few days before meeting. I think he was the first person that I met up with quickly. I just felt that cool about him, around him. Fecking stupid my feelings were, stupid and wrong. The meeting started off weird which made the whole meeting weird. It was last minute and unplanned. Totally a spur of the moment thing suggested and initiated by him, agreed and consented by me. We. The second day of the new year and it was already raining. In retrospect, the rain was the foreshadow of my day; of course, I didn't know it then. I didn't know what he thought was gonna happen when we met or what we'd do. I didn't know what he expected, or thought of it, but I thought it was gonna be either a date type of thing or like a hangout kind of thing, where we go find something to do whether it be cool or not or a type of thing where we would hang out and have fun. By "fun", I mean non-sexual fun, totally platonic; fully dressed fun. It didn't go like that, as I said earlier, it was weird. We barely talked, since he supposedly doesn't like talking. I doubt that. We went to places that I thought of, which was the mall. I wasn't really thinking and everything was all last minute anyway. While we were at those places, when walking, we didn't even walk together. SO rude! SO hurtful! He'd be walking away and I'd be staggering behind and trying to keep up and stuff. I'm thinking about it now and that's just mean what he did. I slipped and fell, as it was raining that day. Instead of being helped up, I was stared at by him. Stared at, not offered a hand or anything...not using manners or nothing. I got myself up and started to realise that maybe this dude wasn't here to date me, I didn't know what his intentions were at the time but I was starting to understand. So in an act of defiance or as a little screw you to him, I brushed past him. After the shopping, I went and got more vape stuff, that was when I got a text from him rather than him just saying cause he hates talking oh. Asking if I can do sexual stuff for him even though I was on my period. It was alright with him, there were other places besides the mall. This being my first meetup, I was shocked and flabbergasted. Not only because he said such a thing, but because I truly didn't think it was gonna end that way. We ended up going to some park that was actually a church and ended up doing sexual things in his car. It's something too cause we're both supposed to be Christians. I say "supposed" because I know Christians don't be doing that, I know we both know that. I highly doubt any real Christian would have a*** sex in the back of a car in the church parking lot while on their period haha. I feel so bad and guilty about it. I wonder where I stand on God's chart of persons qualifying for heaven. I wonder what's my ranking, has it fallen? I think it has, it most likely has, it has. I was not ready or expecting that to happen, didn't really want it to too but I felt kinda cornered into it. Like I was in the dude's car, anything could've happened if I refused. Especially with the knowledge that he be carrying knives on him...we had a little knife show. It was cool in general, would I do it again? Only if I could change things. I didn't really know what to say or how to react afterwards so I said nothing. He ended up messaging me about how he liked it and blah blah blah. Yeah, I told him that I liked it partially out of truthfulness and out of nicety. We would continue to chat, but when we did, most of the times it would have a sexual undertone or have something sexual thrown in the conversation. That irked me. I should have cut communications with him after the first encounter but I didn't because I liked him and felt this way towards him. A way that I cannot describe other than magnetic. He magnetizes me. Eventually, communications wore down due to misunderstandings and my own depressed bipolar insanity. I admit, what I said could be taken as mean but I didn't mean it in that way. I didn't intend to be mean or sound mean spirited to him. He ended up blocking me after I let my delusions get the best of me and started spouting crazed nonsense while also making stupid accusations. It ended after that, whatever it was we had, it ended after that and I felt so bad, so sad, so lonely, so angry, so rejected, so pathetic, so used, so hurt, and so dead and gone. I felt so dead and gone that I tried to make it a reality by taking a bunch of pills two days before Valentine's Day. I felt so hurt and used. I was already hurt before trying to deal and get over the end of a 3-year relationship, so what he did just hurt me more. It just added more pain and hurt to my mind, not my body but my mind. So I'd say I had a big contribution as to why I've been blocked, why I've been used, why things happened the way they did and went this way. It is partially my fault. So in a way, I hurt myself by allowing all this to happen. I'm continuing to hurt myself by thinking about this over and over, by allowing this event and situation to live rent-free in my mind. I'm continuing to hurt myself by checking his socials, looking at his stories on snap, trying to see what he's doing, how he's feeling, how he looks, who he's with. He has a girlfriend now, I hate that, out of jealousy and anger of course. How the hell can he have a girlfriend? Why does he get to be loved by someone, why does he get to have someone who cares, why is his life going up and looking better and good while mine is going to sh*t, while my life is going down, while I'm all alone, while I have no one to care about me, to love me, while I'm here dealing with depression, dealing with extremely severe social anxiety to where I have 0 friends whatsoever completely honestly, while I'm dealing with blackmail, while I'm dealing with sh*tty family. It's unfair, so unfair! I hate it so much, I cry when I think about it. Life is unfair though, kill yourself or get over it. I never knew people could be so unkind, I never even thought about it or that…and yet I like him, I still can’t get my feelings for him to disappear. If he were to come to me today, I’d fecking say yes like an idiot and get used again but I know...I need to stop, I need to leave him alone, leave this alone, leave it in the past. I need to throw it away out of my mind. I need to heal somehow or try to, or at least learn to try to. I need to forgive, heal, leave and let be. Leave him be with his girlfriend. Wish him the best even though I wish him the worst and be done...forgive him too and I hope he forgives me as well. Now that I've written it, written about Austin and my feelings for and about him, I just need to BE. I only feel a tiny bit better after writing this all down. Hopefully I feel more better about it tomorrow. Hopefully I don't think of this as much tomorrow and that I don't think of this at all. It's so hard with all these dark Debbie Downings occurring though....
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